I wake the next morning stiff and uncomfortable. It's early - the house is still dark, and it takes me a minute to get my bearings. A dull ache in my head reminds me of the three drinks I had, the last much stronger than the rest.

I groan as I sit up, the floor having probably not been the best place to fall asleep. Groggily, I take in my surroundings, noticing the empty cups and chip bowls strewn about between sleeping bodies. I guess there wasn't many other options, I rub my head, sore from the hardwood.

I reach for my phone to check the time and the hazy memory of last night hits me. "Oh no," I whisper, pulling up my recent call log. "Oh no, oh no, oh no," I repeat, realizing the calls I made to CJ weren't part of some alcohol induced dream.

Hannah stirs beside me. "Kat?"

"Shh, go back to sleep." I pat her shoulder and let her know I'm headed out to get breakfast. It's only 5:30 but I'll wait outside if I have to, I just need to find CJ.

She mumbles to herself before falling back to sleep, snuggled in close to Cassandra.

I find my shoes and denim jacket by the door amidst all the other girls things and make my way back onto campus. The volleyball apartment is only a few minutes away, especially if you're rushing. The Science Center sits atop the hill on the outskirts of campus, glistening white in the early morning light and I quicken my pace, nerves propelling me forward.

I sigh as I tug at the tall glass door, not even budging it a little. The Cafe opens at 8:30, the building opens... when? I wrack my brain for the schedule but come up empty. Still determined, I take a seat on the bench outside, the morning dew dampening my sweats, hoping to catch CJ as he heads into work for the day.

After what seems like forever, a familiar voice jolts me from my half asleep state. "Kat? Are you alright? What're you doing out here?"

I look up into the sun to see CJ staring down at me. "I'm fine," I mutter quickly, blinking sleep from my eyes and standing to face him. "Well, actually, I'm not." I admit, meeting his green-brown eyes. "I'm so sorry, CJ. For everything, but specifically, for blowing up your phone last night. I was drinking, but that's no excuse."

I stare at my feet, not knowing what to say that'll make him forgive me.

He shrugs. "I guess I did tell you to call me the next time you were drinking, huh?" He chuckles and I remember his words following my first ever party last semester.

"Still, I know you want your space and I respect that." My cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"It's fine, Kat. Really. I'm glad you're okay," he turns to head into the building.

Before I think it through, I call after him. "Hey, CJ?"

His tall frame faces me again, "Yeah?"

"I broke up with Lucas."

His brows come together in thought before he smiles sadly. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm not," I take a few steps towards him. "You asked me what I wanted and I didn't know, or at least I thought I didn't. But this whole time, what I've really wanted is you. And I just wanted to tell you." My voice is surprisingly firm, and my ever worried mind is finally calm.

CJ is quiet before he finally breaks out into my favorite, one-dimpled smile. He looks down at me, so close I want to reach up and kiss him, but I resist the urge. "Thanks for telling me." He finally says.

My heart sinks as my mind asks me what I expected to happen. Remembering his persistence the first few times we met, I decide to push on, finally ready to go after what I want. "If you'll let me, I'd like to pick you up from work today. There's someone I want you to meet,"

He shifts his weight, "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Kat."

"But why not?" He smirks as I use his own words against him. "If after you never want to see me again, I promise I'll leave you alone." He considers for a minute and I use his silence to my advantage. "Think about it. I'll be here, and if you want to join me, great. If not, I'll have my answer."

Feeling more confident than ever before, despite the uncertain circumstances, I smile to myself and walk away, feeling proud of myself for the first time in a long time.

By the time I'm back in my dorm and charging my phone, I realize I have a text from CJ.

CJ: I'm off at 4

***
"You really won't tell me where we're going?" CJ bounces his leg in my passenger seat and I resist the urge to do the same. The nervous energy feels like it'll bubble out of me at any moment. After my moment of fearlessness passed, I'd been left to worry all afternoon about what CJ would say. I got to the Science Center to pick him up an hour early, just to get out of my dorm room and away from the homework I wasn't able to concentrate on.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" I try to joke before turning my attention back to the road. CJ holds his hands up in defeat, and maybe realizing how anxious I am, doesn't ask any more questions during the ride.

I pull into the dirt parking lot just outside of the tall, iron gates. I don't say anything as I turn the car off, waiting for CJ's reaction.

"What're we doing here?" CJ's voice is soft.

I let out a sigh I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Come on, I'll show you." CJ hops out the car and follows me into the cemetery quietly, taking my lead.

We pass about ten rows of headstones before I stop us underneath a big cedar tree. The first time I came, it was so hot out, and the tree provided shade as I sat there for hours, not knowing what else to do. The headstone is black and sleek, with gold writing and a portrait etched beside his name. His smile is as contagious as ever, but I can't help the tears that fall every time I visit.

"Well, CJ... meet my dad." I clench and unclench my fists nervously before continuing. "Can we sit?" I slowly sit cross legged on the dewy grass in front of Dad's stone. CJ follows my lead and stays quiet for a little while. I wonder if he's thinking about his brother, the way I think of Dad every time I pass a cemetery.

"Can I ask what happened?" He rubs my back slowly before dropping his hand. I miss the warmth as soon as it's gone.

I sniffle. "He got sick," I shrug. "It was cancer, and it was pretty late stage. My mom was always on him about going to the doctors more often," I sigh, remembering the many arguments my parents had gotten into simply because Dad was stubborn. "By the time they found it, they said they would do what they could to make him comfortable." CJ holds my hand in his and I continue. "I was just finishing up my senior year of high school and so ready to just take my next steps, ya know? All that was left was prom and graduation and then I'd be dorm shopping before I knew it."

Always patient, CJ rubs slow circles on my hand as I catch my breath. "I spent my prom night by his hospital bed. By graduation, he was gone." My voice catches and I rush to collect myself. "We always did everything together, he was my best friend. When he was gone... I didn't know what to do with myself, you know? My mom tried but it... wasn't the same."

I shake my head, already guilty at the confession. "Ugh, okay. The whole point of me telling you this is that when your brother died, it made you brave. You go after what you want. Me? My dad dying just made me more afraid. We always talked about me becoming a doctor... so I didn't take any time off, I came to school the Fall after he passed away and I declared pre-medicine."

CJ leans forward, hazel eyes soft. "And that's why you don't think you can give it up?"

I nod. "And it's why I dated Lucas - my dad loved him, and he already knew everything."

A strange look crosses CJ's face before he pulls me into a tight embrace. "Kat, you don't have to be afraid with me. I won't hurt you." I let myself relax in his arms, all my thoughts suddenly not seeming so alarming. "Your dad would be proud of you, you know that, right? Even if you don't become a doctor?"

Would he be? I think about everything I've done wrong the past few months and admit, "I don't know."

CJ lifts my chin so I'm looking into his eyes. "I mean it, Kat. He'd be so proud of you." He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly as if it'll make me believe his words.

"He probably would've liked you anyways," I smile and wipe a tear from my cheek. "He'd be glad someone got me to loosen up... he probably wouldn't like the trespassing, though." I laugh, surprising myself.

"Do you think you could let it slide one more time? I have the best date planned." CJ's eyes are wide and playful.

My heart stops in my chest. "A date? You mean... you're not mad at me anymore?"

CJ shakes his head. "I'm going to wait in the car. Come whenever you're ready,"

I thank him, somehow he always knows what I need, and hand him my keys. Once he's gone, I crawl closer to Dad's headstone and let myself cry. I haven't been by in months, too afraid to face all the bad decisions I'd made recently, to face him knowing how disappointed he'd be.

"Hi, Dad." I whisper, a small smile on my face despite the tears dampening my cheeks. In silence, I let myself feel how much I miss him. Things would be so much easier if I could just talk to him, even just one more time.

After a few more minutes with Dad, I head back to my car. "Hey," I lean into CJ as he hugs me.

"Ready to go?" He makes sure and I nod, getting into the drivers seat.

As we head back to campus, we listen to an old rock and roll station that reminds me of Dad. I interrupt CJ's humming and aggressive drumming on the dashboard, "So what's this date you're making me trespass again for?"

CJ flashes his brilliant one-dimpled smile. "Oh c'mon now Kat. Where's your sense of adventure?"