"All right, I think I've got everything," Lucas smiles his perfect white smile at me as I munch on some cereal. He sticks the leather bound notepad that he got for Christmas into his briefcase, patting his hair down in the mirror before looking back at me. "Wish me luck?"

I return his smile lazily, still sleepy from his parents New Years party the night before. The party got crazy - who knew working adults could drink so hard? Even Mom let loose a little bit.

Lucas looks so handsome, dressed in a tailored suit and tie. "Good luck," I stand on my toes, placing a gentle peck on his nose. "But you don't need it, they'll be lucky to have you." I send him off to his interview - he's hoping to get a position in the emergency room to help his medical school applications later on. Lucas gets nearly perfect grades and has worked in his professors  chemistry labs every year, so he's more than qualified for the internship. We were practicing interview questions all week but no matter how many times I reassured him, Lucas was still feeling pretty nervous.

I return to my breakfast, looking around Lucas's kitchen. His mom and dad have left the house already, both have big higher up jobs that require lots of work in and out of the office, with little time for much else. No one cares that I spend the night, even though my house is just next door.  Even Mom doesn't argue. I think they figure it'll work out in their favor if they just let us do what we want - maybe then we'll get married some day, like they've always planned. The funny thing is that we don't do anything besides watch movies and sleep. Lucas doesn't try anything with me beyond kissing and for now, I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm still getting used to being together... in that way, anyways.

I consider Lucas's interview today, remembering all the saved applications waiting for me on my laptop. I've got to start applying, too, I make a mental note before returning my thoughts to Lucas. There's no way he won't be offered a position, I smile to myself. Oddly, I don't feel jealous that his medical school dreams are working out so much better than my own.

My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts before I can deliberate much longer. I pick up to find a very distraught Hannah crying on the line. "What's wrong?" I try to make sense of her sobs. "Hannah, slow down,"

The crying goes on a few more minutes before Hannah is finally able to speak. "Sorry," she blubbers. "What I was saying is you know how my mom always throws that big New Years Eve party every year?" Hannah's mom is a lot like Lucas's, from what I've gathered. Her parties are always amazing to the point where sometimes it feels more like a chore to attend - looking absolutely perfect, behaving the right way, dealing with pretentious family members and work colleagues... I feel almost bad for Hannah. But it's the life she's used to, I suppose.

"Mhm," I prompt, putting her on speaker and cleaning my dishes in the sink.

"Well Cass came this year and she... she was just such a ... a bitch," Hannah is crying again, sad hiccups interrupting her complaints. My first thought, selfishly, is to wonder why Cass was going when I wasn't even invited. Not the point, I remind myself, drying my cereal bowl and placing it back on the shelf.

"What happened?" I ask softly, trying to push the nagging feeling of being left out from my mind.

Needing no further comment, Hannah dives into the story, telling me everything from how Cass complained about the party from the moment she was invited to how rude she was saying goodbye to her mom's family. I listen intently, offering sympathetic oh's, soothing ah's and somewhat confused apologies, the entire time wondering why any of these things was enough to upset Hannah so much. I know better than to ask, though, and I'm sure she has her reasons. Still, I wonder why for the first time since we've been friends, Hannah is keeping things from me.

"Have you told her any of this?" I ask already knowing her reply, as I lock Lucas's front door with their spare key.

Hannah sighs dramatically on the other end. "No," Of course not, I roll my eyes. "How's that kid you were talking to?" She changes the subject, suddenly tear-free.

I decide to play dumb, as I've been trying my best not to think of him. "Hm?"

"You know, the dirt field date guy?" Hannah giggles. "Have you seen him again? God, what was his name?"

"No," I answer truthfully, wondering once more how CJ is doing. "Maybe you guys were right about him," I bite my lip, feeling guilty even as I'm saying the words. Because CJ isn't like what they were saying and it's probably my fault that we aren't speaking anymore. Okay, I admit to myself, it is my fault we aren't speaking anymore.

"Oh, that's too bad." Hannah's voice doesn't really sound like she thinks it's too bad. "I can always call my brother for you," she teases, back to her upbeat self. We chat for awhile longer before she finally decides to hang up and try to work things out with Cassandra.

An email notification pops up on my screen as I finally hang up. My heart stops at the subject line: FINAL GRADES POSTED. With shaky hands, I log on to my student portal, locating the academic tab and patiently waiting for the site to load.

The seconds feel like years as I watch the small loading circle spin around and around.

Creative Writing and my literature class are listed first. Both A's, like I calculated on my own. I close my eyes tightly, scrolling to see my Biochemistry and Physics grades. Tear prick my eyes as soon as I open them, and my hand flies to cover my mouth. I slam my laptop shut, feeling my stomach sinking into my socks.

My phone vibrates again as I furiously wipe a tear from my cheek.

Lucas: celebratory lunch on me? Made it to round 2 of interviews!

It's rude of me not to respond, I remind myself. I should congratulate him, at the very least. But even still, I can't bring myself to feel happy for Lucas, not after seeing my own grades. I grab my car keys, ignoring the text invitation on my phone. I'll think of an excuse later, I tell myself. Right now, there's just one person I want to see, and if I look at Lucas's message again, I know I'll chicken out. Before I can stop myself, I'm buckled into the drivers seat, pausing only to text Mom and tell her I'm driving up to Hannah's place for the afternoon.

A lie, I know. Add that to the list of everything else I've lied about recently, my mind taunts me as I pull out of the driveway.

It's evening time by the time I arrive onto campus. This is crazy, I lean my head against my steering wheel. My random burst of confidence has faded some during the hour long drive to school, but I push forward, entering the Science Building and ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut.

I walk down the Psychology wing, peaking in the office I saw CJ in that one time. Empty. Of course, my brain scolds me, it's Christmas break, what did you expect? I wish I knew which off campus apartment was his. If I knew, would I be bold enough to go to it, to knock on the door and ask for forgiveness?

I give up, leaning against the cool wall and sinking to my feet. I glare at the empty Science Center, abandoned by students for the break and so eerily quiet. The reality of the situation sinks in finally and I feel utterly stupid.

"Can I help you?" A man's voice jolts me upright. I stand to see the same professor CJ was talking to in the office that day staring at me, a concerned look plastered to his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I mutter sheepishly, "I was just, um..." I struggle to explain as he watches me patiently. "Actually, do you know if that student worker is in today? CJ? He said he was working over break,"

The professors brows pull together in confusion as I ramble. Surely he can't be so pompous that he doesn't remember the student workers, I almost roll my eyes. "Oh!" He almost shouts, pointing a finger at me. "You must mean Christopher,"

Christopher? I shake my head. "Um, I don't think-" but the professor is already walking down the hall.

"He's just taking care of some boxes for me, let me go grab him," The lanky professor calls over his shoulder, rushing down the long corridor. I lean against the wall, debating leaving all together when CJ appears out of one of the office doors.

"Kat?" His pretty hazel eyes are ringed with dark circles, hair disheveled around his head. He looks awful, I notice. But still so beautiful.

"CJ?" I gasp, surprised. "Or should I say, Christopher?" I tease, biting my lip nervously. We aren't exactly on good terms so it won't be surprising if he tells me to leave him alone. But God, I hope he doesn't. The thought scares me but I do my best to push it aside.

To my surprise, and my delight, if I'm honest, CJ laughs, his eyes bright. "CJ is fine. I never felt like Christopher really fit," His eyes search my face and I'm unsure of what to say next. "What're you doing here, Kat?" He gazes down at me, tucking a dark strand of hair behind my ear.

A million possibilities race through my mind as I stare up at his face. Because, I got grades back and my life plan is pretty much useless. Because, my friends don't really seem like they're my friends anymore and I don't know what the heck happened. Because, I'm lying to my mom and I can't make myself stop. Because, I have a perfect boyfriend at home waiting for me... waiting for me. And because, well... because I miss him. "I wanted to see you," I choose. His smile lights up his face and relief floods through me. "I'm sorry about before,"

"Hey," CJ shakes his head. "Let's forget about it. You hungry?" I smile at him gratefully, all the negative feelings of earlier slowly subsiding in his presence.

"Actually, do you want to get a drink?" I chew my cheek as I wait for his response. It's not even four in the afternoon yet, but I can't stop thinking about how easy everything was when I was buzzed at that party. I just need a little bit of time when everything in my head is quiet, I tell myself.

"I'm not sure anywhere is open right now." CJ tells me and I feel my face fall. "But there's a liquor store down the street," he suggests instead. I nod my head, feeling giddy - I'm drinking with CJ. I almost laugh out loud - I, Kat Taylor, drove an hour to get drunk with a boy. I sigh, if only Dad could see me now...

We walk to CJ's car in comfortable silence and I have to fight to keep this stupid grin off my face. There's nothing to be smiling about, my mind screams at me - I'm lying to my mother, to Lucas... my actions are going to hurt someone. Still, I don't stop myself when CJ opens the passenger side door for me.

I hop in happily, ignoring the warning in my mind that out of everyone... it'll be me who hurts the most.