"Maybe you should slow down over there," CJ says from the drivers seat, a wide smile plastered on his face despite his words. I shake my head, bringing the bottle of vodka to my mouth and quickly chasing it down with some fruit punch. Mmm...

"No thanks," I dance in the passenger seat of his parked car, enjoying the way the liquor loosens my limbs. He isn't drinking and I'm curious as to why not, but I don't push it. More for me, I giggle. I reach over to the volume knob and turn the radio up loud, singing along to an old rock and roll song.

CJ laughs, leaning his head back against the seat. "Hey, you're not too bad,"

I blush, but I'm not really that embarrassed. I feel good. I feel light despite the fact that I'll have to go home and face reality at some point. Home. Maybe I should stop drinking... I shove the thought away with another swig from the bottle, shivering as the liquid hits my belly.

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" I ask sincerely. Thinking of him alone in an off campus apartment makes me sad.

"It was good," CJ's smile twitches but he quickly covers it up by joking, "Everyone's family is a little crazy around the holidays, right?"

I nod, raising the bottle at his statement. "Here, here," I take another swig.

We're quiet for a few minutes, now that I'm feeling a bit better about his holiday. At least he wasn't alone, even if his family is nuts. I peer at him through my lashes as he stares at the snow falling to the ground. Oh, he's so pretty, I sigh. His hair is a little bit more grown out now and I want to run my fingers through it. Maybe it's the alcohol making me weird, or maybe the alcohol just helps me see what I really want. Who knows?

"It's really snowing, crap." I groan, the realization that I probably shouldn't drive home hitting harder than the vodka. "My mom is going to kill me."

CJ nudges my arm reassuringly before starting the car. "Let's hang out for a bit, get you sobered up some and then we'll see if the snow has stopped." I chew my cheek as he pulls out of the stranded parking lot we found. Closing the bottle and putting it in the backseat, I wonder if he'll bring me to his apartment. Do I want him to? The butterflies in my stomach say yes, despite thoughts of Lucas flooding my mind.

Ignoring the conflicting thoughts, I close my eyes and lean my head back, not asking him where he's taking me. I don't want to ask and seem silly. Lucas is easier to read than CJ. Still, for some reason, not knowing with CJ doesn't bother me. Not one bit.

I must've drifted to sleep during the drive, because I'm jolted upright when I feel the car come to a stop. "Oh, sorry," I mumble, rubbing my eyes. Looking out the windshield, I notice the front windows of a barbecue restaurant bragging about their award winning pulled pork. So not his apartment then... am I disappointed?

"I thought you should eat something to sober up before you went home," CJ explains, opening my car door for me. "Plus, I'm starving." He smiles, his tongue between his teeth in a playful grin.

I gaze up at him and can't help the returning smile on my face. "I love barbecue," I say as I follow him inside. We don't have to wait long to be seated, and I'm grateful. The smell of tangy sauce and smoked meat fills the dimly lit cabin style restaurant. My belly gurgles, and still a little drunk, I nearly moan as a waitress walks by with someone else's dish. CJ raises his brows at me, amused. "I'm hungrier than I thought," I blush.

His eyes are intent on my face and I feel my breath quicken under his gaze. "Hi, I'm Mary and I'll be your server today," an older woman with dyed red hair sets down our menus, making me jump. CJ doesn't shift his gaze as I order my drink and it's all I can do just to get the words out.

Once she leaves, CJ clears his throat and leans across the table. "So what about your Christmas? Santa bring you everything you wanted?" His hazel eyes twinkle under the overhead light.

My eyes trail down to his mouth. "Not everything," I shrug. His eyes widen in surprise, but he quickly regains his composure as Mary sets down our drinks. I gulp the water down, my throat drier than I realized.

"Well, that's too bad. Know what you want to eat?" His tone is cooler, less playful as I watch him scan the menu, feeling the distance growing between us. No, no, I don't want distance, I want to be right beside him, feeling his arms around me. The vodka has worn off a bit and my anxieties from this morning are returning, filling me up with bubbles of nervous energy, ready to overflow. I ignore his question, searching the menu myself before I crumble apart.

We're mostly quiet, with the exception of ordering our food. I got a burger, but I'm suddenly not in the mood to eat anymore. "We got our grades back," I say as nonchalantly as I can. "Have you checked?"

"Hm?" CJ mumbles. "Oh, grades." He sits up straighter. "No I haven't looked. I'm not too worried though, you?"

I feel the tears prick my eyes and put my head down. I will not cry in a stupid, dingy, old restaurant. I won't. Not in front of CJ. "Uh, yeah, I did."

CJ's hand rests on mine across the table. "And?"

"Well," I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. "Physics wasn't so bad, I guess. I got a B-,"

His voice softens, "And Biochemistry?" He remembers?

I bite my lip and look at our hands to avoid his eyes. "I think I can say goodbye to medical school, I got an F." And there it is, out loud and in the open. It's like all the air has escaped from my lungs as I try not to cry, the lump in my throat growing larger and larger by the second.

"Hey," he lifts a finger to my chin, tilting my head up to face him. "You can retake classes, right? No big deal." I can't respond without losing all control and turning into a blubbering mess so I don't say anything. I just grip his hand tighter, as if holding onto him will keep me from floating away into nothing at all.

Mary brings us our plates and CJ digs into his sandwich. I push my dish closer to him, unable to eat with the nervous nausea building inside me. There's no way I can run from this anymore, is there? Grades are out, it's done. I need to face this head on and that is terrifying.

"Can I ask you something and then I promise we'll drop it?" CJ sticks a fry into his mouth. I nod somberly. "I asked you before, but do you like it? I mean, when you think about it, does the idea of being a doctor make the way you feel right now worth it?" I look up to the ceiling, hoping it might provide me with an easy answer. When I think about being a doctor... that's it, that's all there is. I don't know anything else, what would I even do? "Okay. I lied," CJ chuckles, but the concern in his eyes almost sends me over the edge. "Just one more. You don't have to answer me but just think about it okay?" I nod again. "Why do you want to go to medical school? If the only thing you can think of is your parents... is that a good enough reason?" My head snaps up at his question and I feel my walls shutting him out already.

I squeeze his hand tighter again, fighting through my defenses. Because even if the questions scare me... no one else has ever asked them. Hannah has seen me break down many times, more than I can count, but has never questioned it. Mom seems to forget about the meltdowns the minute a good grade is returned. A million thoughts muddle my brain and I can't think straight anymore.

"I don't know if it works like that," I say nervously, wiping my eyes again. "But thanks for asking."

CJ nods, not pushing the subject any further. As he chews, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and a whole new wave of guilt washes over me.

Mom: Checking in, will you be home for dinner?

I tell her I ate out with Hannah but will be home soon and check my messages from Lucas, cringing at his last unanswered text. He was probably so excited and I let him down. A new message appears under the old one asking me to lunch.

Lucas: hey, what's up? Where are you?

I type a quick response, explaining Hannah's emergency with Cassandra and tell him I'm sorry for missing lunch. When I look back up, CJ is staring at me curiously and I feel like I've been caught cheating on an exam. Is this... cheating? "My mom," I wave it off before shoving my phone back in my bag and taking a bite of my burger to please CJ.

"I think you owe me something," I drop my napkin after a few more bites. "Three things, actually."

CJ twirls the straw in his iced tea. "Okay. Even though I'm pretty sure it's your turn," he rolls his eyes at me playfully. His lips form a small pout as he concentrates, coming up with his things, and I actually feel myself swoon. "One, I was born in Maine, so I really like the outdoors, ya know? Camping, hiking, fishing, all that good stuff." I scrunch my nose and he laughs before continuing, "Two, these fries?" He holds up a thick potato wedge to show me, "are so superior to thin cut fries." I can't help but to giggle at his serious expression.

"Really?"

He nods vigorously. "I take my fries very seriously."

"Okay," I roll my eyes and push my hair back behind my ears. "But I disagree," I shove my plate back across the table so it's closer to him. "Thin fries are the only fries worth eating,"

CJ pretends to be hurt and I laugh some more, despite all the negative thoughts from only a few minutes ago. "Okay, well, you still have one more thing," I prompt him.

He waves the waitress down for the check and refuses to let me pay, handing the book back before I can even see the bill. "Hm," He teases me, making me wait for his third fact. "What else can I tell you?" He grabs my hand naturally as we walk to the car and my skin burns, sending electricity straight to my heart. He opens the passenger door again, and despite my protests, reaches over to clip my seat belt.

I hold my breath as he leans across my body, feeling the heat radiating off of his skin. He stops when his face is only inches from mine, a soft smile on his lips. "Three," He cups my cheek gently. "I think you're so fucking beautiful,"

My mouth pops open in surprise and I can't think of a single thing to say. Maybe sensing this, CJ chuckles and places a kiss on my forehead before shutting the door and climbing into the drivers seat.

"What if I didn't go home?" I ask after a few minutes of driving. The snow has stopped and the roads are perfectly clear, but that's not why I'm asking.

"What?" CJ peaks me from the corner of his eyes before looking back to the road.

"You know, what if I, um... stayed at your place?" Surprised at my own confidence, I quickly look down at my hands, feeling ridiculous.

"You're bold today." CJ leans over and grabs my thigh. "I like it,"

I feel heat rush up my neck and settle into my cheeks. "You make me bold," I whisper, catching his smile in my peripherals.

"I wish I could, but the heat in our apartment is all messed up," He sighs. "So I actually borrowed a friends key and I'm crashing at his place," I nod my head at him, unable to stop the suspicious feeling from creeping into my thoughts. The words make sense and he looks like he means them, but it doesn't feel any less like a rejection. Which doesn't make any sense following our afternoon. Why did I even ask - I have a boyfriend waiting for me to get home so he can tell me about his awesome day, a good boyfriend who doesn't deserve this. "Hey, you okay?" CJ looks at me once he parks next to my own in the school lot.

"Yeah, just dreading this conversation with my mom," It's not a lie, but it's also not the truth.

"Well, hey." He rubs my shoulder. "If you need to talk after, just call me, okay?" I stare into his eyes and promise to call, despite everything inside me telling me not to.

I wave goodbye as he pulls out of the lot and get into my own car, trying to process everything that happened. CJ isn't mad at me, we're talking again. But he doesn't want me to spend the night, and I have a boyfriend. I groan in frustration, putting the key in the ignition and finding my way to the highway, trying to focus my thoughts on Lucas and his good news the entire way home.

But I find myself smiling every now and again as CJ's words replay over and over in my brain - he thinks I'm beautiful.