I watch the older woman typing on her computer, jabbing the keys so hard I'm worried she might break them. Her thick glasses make her eyes appear bigger than they are, but even still, her face is stern with thin lips and a pointy nose. The numerous degrees decorating her walls don't make her any less intimidating.

"So have you started thinking about which schools you're looking to apply to?" Professor Lynch pulls my records up on her monitor, tilting the screen so I can look too. She's actually pretty nice, despite the bored expression she tends to wear and her reputation for being a notoriously hard grader.

I peak at the screen, the F in Biochemistry the only thing I can see, sure she notices it too.

"Um," I stare at her desk when I speak, avoiding her unflinching gaze, "I don't really know. I'm kind of lost with everything actually," In more ways than one, I add to myself.

"Hm, well first things first, we will have to do something about that Fail," Professor Lynch eyes me over her glasses. "What happened there?"

I shrug casually. "I had a hard time with the material." I almost wish she'd tell me that it's nothing to worry about, that I can manage without Biochem. But I know that's just too good to be true.

"Well," she clasps her hands together on her desk. "If you're serious about this, when you do you plan on retaking it?"

I stare back at her and feel the tears pricking my eyes, no matter how hard I try to keep them back. Once they start to flow, I can't stop them, so I finally give in, letting the tears fall as I hang my head in my hands. "Oh, Kat. Here," Professor Lynch pushes her tissue box closer to me and I grab one politely, even if it's useless. The tears don't stop and for awhile, Professor Lynch lets me cry it out, the entire time staring at me with her knowing eyes. I wonder how many other students came in here with big dreams, only to realize there's a huge chance they won't ever get to live them out.

After a bit more talk about the remainder of my pre-med requirements and when I will take them next year, Professor Lynch lets out a deep sigh. "Kat, I'm going to ask you something. And it's not to dissuade you, but the 'rest of your life' is a big decision to make." She pauses to make sure I'm listening. "Why do you want to be a doctor?"

I blink at her a couple of times, unsure of how to answer. I have always wanted this and I could always go on and on about it. Now? What am I holding on to?

She nods her head understandingly, sending her graying bob shaking over her shoulders. "It's a big decision. I don't need an answer now, but you should think about it. Okay? Why don't we do that - go home and think about it and then come back to me,"

Wordless, I grab my backpack off the floor and trudge out of her office, finding myself even more discouraged than I had been before.

I pull out my phone and send Lucas a text asking to call me after he's in for the night. My heart begs me to message CJ, but right now, I need a clear head and CJ makes my thoughts anything but. Lucas, of course, replies immediately saying he'll call as soon as he's out of class.

***

"So what'd your advisor say?" Lucas asks after filling me in on his internship, his sweet face filling up my phone screen.

"Basically she asked if this is what I really want." I shrug.

"What'd you tell her?"

I bite my lip for a minute. "Nothing,"

"Nothing?" Lucas repeats, sounding shocked. "It is what you want, isn't it?"

I let out a deep sigh. "What if it isn't?"

Lucas chuckles. "Well, I'll love you anyways. But of course, I think you can do it if you want to." Warmth spreads through my chest at his words.

"Thanks," I breathe gratefully. "My mom probably won't," I joke half-heartedly.

He chuckles too. "Of course she will," But I'm not so confident. "Hey, I was thinking I might come up to see you this weekend."

"Oh," I should say more but I can't make the words come out. CJ and Lucas on one campus. Around Hannah, who I love more than anything, but who is also awful at secrets.

"Don't sound so thrilled." Lucas's voice falls flat and I kick myself for disappointing him, hating the little frown on his face.

"No, I am. I was just thinking of a paper I'll have to finish before you get here so I won't have any distractions," I lie easily. That's something I've been doing more of lately, too. Crying and lying - what a catch I am. I make a couple notes in my calendar, rearranging the schedule I had made for the rest of the week. I'm determined to do better this semester.

"Oh, well, good. Because I've been missing you," his tone becomes flirty and I blush, eyeing Hannah and Cass across the room. I shouldn't worry in the least - they're cuddled on her bed, watching some documentary series on Hannah's laptop. It's been strange seeing my two friends so affectionate - seeing them give each other a quick peck on the cheek or watching Cass stroke Hannah's hair when we're all lounging on the couches in the common room. But I'm getting used to it, and they seem happier than they have all year.

"I miss you too, you know that," I lower my voice into the phone. "I'm excited to see you," I claim the nervous energy in my belly as excitement so I don't have to think about the disaster this weekend could cause. Well, the disaster I have caused, really.

***

"Babe," Lucas wraps me in a warm hug as soon as I reach his car in the visitor lot. "Aw man, I've missed you." He plants a kiss on my head and throws his duffel bag over his shoulder, keeping his other arm over my shoulder as we walk back to my dorm.

"This is crazy," I nudge his ribs. "You've never seen my campus before," I try to ignore the paranoia in my mind and pray we don't run into CJ.

"I know, I expect an extravagant tour," he laughs but I decide to take him up on it, promising the full experience.

Within an hour of being with Lucas, I feel better about everything. He's so familiar - he knew me before everything was broken and he knows me after, it feels safer when he's around somehow. "So how about this tour, huh? Maybe the first stop can be the dining hall?" Lucas rolls off my bed and to the door.

"Han? Cass? Want dinner?" I slip on my boots and coat.

"We're ordering Chinese," Cass shakes her head and we head out into the cold.

"So as you can see," I begin dramatically. "This is the dormitory area - very dingey. Especially fun on weekends, when you can find the occasional vomit again or a poor kid locked out of the building waiting for someone to walk by,"

Lucas laughs, slinging a long arm over my shoulders. "I think that's every school, babe."

"Hey, I promised the full experience. I will give nothing less," I laugh, tilting my head back for a kiss. We continue down the hill to the main cafeteria, right before the dinner rush.

Once inside, we pick a table and head to the grill. "This is the grill, famous for inedible steak and cheeses, which, if you're brave enough to eat, most definitely result in abdominal cramping. On a brighter note, they do serve amazing grilled cheeses," I continue the charade while loading a grilled cheese onto my tray.

"So pass on the steak and cheese, got it," Lucas nods seriously, playing along.

We sit back down and eat in silence for a few minutes. Finally once I'm less starving, I ask about his internship.

"Oh, Kat. It's amazing." He drops his pizza to talk animatedly. "I'm learning so much, I mean these doctors - they're incredible. The ER, wow. The cases that come in can be crazy," he shakes his head. "I'm just an intern I mostly do paperwork but getting to see it is cool." I smile at him as he speaks, excited at the excitement in his voice. I'm so proud of him.

"What's the coolest case so far?" I urge him on and am captivated the entire conversation as he explains cases of car accidents to drunken bar fights. Surgeries and stories of medical school from the first year interns.

Good for him, I think, wondering why I don't find myself wishing I was doing the same thing.

"Okay. So I've had this food, what's that one spot off campus everyone goes to? We have this wing place," Lucas wipes his hands on a napkin and leans back in his chair.

My mind flashes to the BBQ place I went to with CJ. I can't lie, so I tell him the truth.

"Let's go, I'm still hungry." Lucas stands and puts his hand out.

"Are you serious?"

He nods, urging me to hurry up. Too taken off guard to think up an argument, I follow him back to the visitor lot.

I'm quiet the entire trip, turning the music up louder than necessary. A rock and roll song makes me think of CJ and I kick myself, praying he isn't at this stupid restaurant tonight.

Lucas hums along to the radio, completely relaxed. I wish I could feel that cam right now, I wipe my sweaty palms against my jeans as we pull into the parking lot, dread filling my mind.

Lucas rushes to my side to open my door and my chest warms at the gesture. I take his hand but my stomach immediately drops at the pick up truck in the parking lot. As we approach the building, I see a familiar dark head standing in line at the counter.

"This place is really good," I blurt to fill the silence.

Lucas nods, "It smells great."

Once in line, I can't stop the anxious tapping of my foot, worried CJ will turn around and see us. Of course he will, and of course this is my fault. Way to go, Kat - really stellar decision making, my mind insults me. Lucas is too busy reading the menu to notice my nerves and I'm grateful for how much the guy can eat.

I watch CJ place his order and immediately I look down once he's paid, pulling my hair to the side to hide my face. I position myself behind Lucas, hoping I'm not noticeable in the groups of people standing at the counter.

I watch my boot tap the scratched up floor, wishing the line would go faster. "Kat?" My heart stops. "Kat, is that you?"

I try to ignore his voice, but Lucas tugs my hand. "Hey, that guy is talking to you." He points at CJ and I have no choice but to face him.

"Oh, hey, CJ." I wave lamely.

His brows knit together and I watch his eyes drift to my hand holding Lucas's. "Hey," he mumbles.

"I'm Lucas," Lucas extends a hand politely, keeping the other entwined with mine.

"Right, yeah. Lucas this is CJ, CJ, this is Lucas." I don't meet either of their eyes, even though I know they're both searching my face for answers.

"So you two are..." Lucas motions between us.

My eyes flash to CJ's face, fear gripping my heart. His eyes meet mine, a painful realization in them. "We're in Stats together." CJ lies easily, his eyes never leaving my face.

"Oh, yeah. Kat hates Stats."

CJ nods in agreement, leaving to grab his food from the to-go counter. "Well, hey it was nice to meet you, man. Kat, see you in Stats." CJ's voice is colder than I've ever heard it, and I can only stare after him, wishing he could hear the apology in my head. He doesn't turn back and I can't stop the guilt from building in my throat.

"What was that about?" Lucas grabs our tray, bringing us to a booth against the wall. One table away from where I sat with CJ. My mind berates me while I try to focus on an answer for Lucas.

I dip a fry into my shake, unable to find one. I shrug, "I don't know."