I sleep through all of my classes Monday morning. I wake up to several worried texts and a missed call from Lucas. I never replied to him last night, I recall, guilt settling in my stomach. Selfish, my mind reminds me harshly. I call him back and tell him that I'm sick, and in a way I feel like I am. The sadness and guilt bubble in my stomach like poison.

I dial Mom's number next and wait for her to pick up, needing to hear her voice, even if I can't tell her everything. "Kat, how was your visit with Lucas?" She asks as soon as we're connected.

Great, just what I needed. I feel myself frown. "How did you know about that?"

"His mom told me. Why didn't you?" I rub my hand over my eyes and wonder the same thing - wasn't I excited enough to tell her? I can't remember. "Kat? Are you there?" I'm jolted back to our conversation and away from my thoughts.

"Sorry. I'm not feeling well, I think I have the stomach flu," I lie to her, in case Lucas mentions that to his mother, too.

"Do you need anything? I can bring things up for you," I roll my eyes, knowing she's practically one step away from getting in her car this second. Still, I'm grateful. All I want right now is a hug from her.

"No, Mom, I'm good."

Without missing a breath, she asks, "Did you miss class today?"

"Yeah." My appreciation dissipates,"I already emailed my professors to let them know I'd be out for a few days, they sent me work." I can't say I'm surprised our conversation turned to school so quickly. All junior year, she's been on me more than ever.

Mom pauses on the other end. "Well. Get better but don't miss too much, this is a really big time for you right now." She reminds me for the millionth time as if the detail isn't burned into my mind already.

We hang up and I curl into a ball in the center of my bed, pulling my coziest blanket around me tightly. As the sun goes down outside my window, I text Hannah and tell her I won't be at dinner and keep up with my stomach flu fib. Then I pull up CJ's contact and stare at it, for I'm not sure how long.

With shaky fingers, I text him "I'm sorry" and turn my phone off for the night. I grab my things for a shower and head down the hall. It's never busy around dinner time since everyone is at the dining hall, which is precisely why I chose this time to shower. No one will hear me cry.

***

By Thursday, I decide to go back to class. Partly, because I know that if I miss much more, I'll fall way too far behind to catch up by midterms, but mostly because I know I can't miss many more classes without a note from Health Services. And seeing as I'm not sick... Just a liar, my mind sneers.

However, I really wish I wasn't going back on a Stats day. I sigh as I settle into my seat and take out all of my make up work to pass into my Professor once he arrives.

Before class begins, I feel my phone vibrate in my bag, interrupting my pre-class review of the chapter.

Lucas: Hope you're feeling better, KitKat, love you

My stomach flip flops but I can't tell if it's butterflies or nerves. I know what I have to do, the problem is actually getting myself to follow through. I type back a generic, "I love you, too" and decide to push the inevitable off until the weekend, too cowardly to handle the consequences just yet.

***

By the time Sunday morning rolls around, I can't take the guilt much longer. Lucas and I have video called every Sunday since we've started dating, and I decide this is when I'll do it. I'll break up with him. My only issue is that I'm not sure if I should tell him the truth about CJ - there's nothing I can do to change what I did, so why hurt him with information when I don't plan on staying with him? But still, I feel like I owe it to him to be honest. My mind goes back and forth between trying to come to a decision and reminding me how I've let everyone down. Mom, my grandmother, Lucas... Dad.

The half hour leading up to our call feels like an entire day. Heavy rocks of dread, guilt, and worry sit at the bottom of my stomach as I try to get any of my readings finished. I thank God that Hannah is helping Cass prepare for an oral presentation today - there's no way I would be able to go through with this in front of her, and it really can't wait much longer.

My heart stops when the familiar ring tone blasts from my laptop. I stare at Lucas's bright smile in the contact photo, feeling a tight clenching in my throat. "Hey, Lucas," I smile weakly. How do you start a break up? I think back to my encounter with CJ and decide that is not the greatest example.

"What's up, KitKat, hows your stomach?" Lucas laughs over his shoulder at something his roommate says off-screen.

"Better." I lower my voice, "Lucas, can we talk?"

Concern flashes across his face. "Yeah, of course. One sec," I hear the bustling sound of him carrying his phone through his apartment before his face fills my screen again. "What's up?"

I feel my face get hot and my palms begin to sweat. "I think... I think we need to break up." I wish the words came out differently, but it's too late now.

Lucas's brown eyes blink at me once in confusion. "Wait, what?"

Tears begin to fall and I angrily wipe them away, knowing it's not fair for me to be the one who's crying.

"Kat?"

I rack my brain for the right thing to say. "You're one of my best friends, Lucas." He shakes his head slowly, but I continue anyways, "But I just don't think I feel that way about you. I didn't know before but now I do," I cringe at my own words, knowing how unsatisfactory they must be for him, how empty they feel saying them, even if it is the truth.

Lucas shakes his head, "I don't understand."

I let out a cry, wishing I understood any better than he does. He is so good for me, and good to me. Dad loved him. So why couldn't it have been him that I fell for? "I'm so sorry, Lucas. I really am." My voice shakes.

"No, Kat. Don't apologize," Lucas offers an easy-going smile. "People break up, it happens. I'm not mad at you," His compassion only makes me cry harder - he deserves to be mad at me. I have to tell him. "I'm just lost." He continues, "You said you didn't see it before, but now you do? What changed?"

I want to cover my face with my hands and run away, to hide from his kind, even if sad eyes. But I know that I can't. "Lucas, I fell for someone else." Confusion crosses his features and I push on. "It took me realizing that to know it wasn't the same with you," He winces. Before I can stop myself, the words fly out of my mouth. "I kissed him." Even knowing the trouble the confession will bring, relief floods through me and I can breathe a little easier.

"You what?" Lucas finally looks angry. Despite it being exactly what I deserve, it feels awful. "How could you do that?"

All I can do is shake my head, truly unsure how I got myself into this mess to begin with. "I'm so sorry."

Lucas runs a hand over his cropped hair. "Look, Kat. I've got to go okay? I need time to process," I'm stunned at how nice he is still being, considering the circumstances. "Good luck with that guy, or whatever." I grimace as the call ends, still reminding myself that I deserve far worse.

I click my laptop closed and pull out my Statistic problems, looking them over with newfound resolve. I tell myself that Lucas will forgive me, the idea that he won't too difficult to consider. Lucas already knows all the skeletons in my closet and I hope we can stay friends, uncertain if anyone else will love me once they discover what he already knows.

By the time I'm through half of my practice problems, my mind is numb, only registering the numerical symbols and calculations, nothing else. If I just focus on school, I tell myself, there won't be time to dwell on CJ's one dimpled smile or the lifelong friend I probably just lost.

Had I just focused on school to begin with, my ever-snarky subconscious reminds me, I wouldn't be in this trouble to begin with.