Deep breaths, I remind myself, sitting at an empty desk in the large lecture hall. Just two more hours and I'll be done with Biochemistry forever. I smile at the thought but the nausea rises in my stomach and the grin fades. No matter how badly I do, I tell myself, I will still never have to see these Biochem notes ever again. I curse myself for wasting so much time last night texting CJ - it was enjoyable at the moment but now look where I am, feeling under prepared and anxious.

The good thing is that I have a three hour break between Biochemistry and my Physics 2 final. I'll use that time to study more, I promise myself.

"All right everyone. Couple things before we begin," the proctor holds a thick stack of printer paper, and my stomach flips at the sight of our exam. "These," she raises the stack. "Are you exams. All answers must be recorded in the space provided in the blue answer books," she puts her hand on a different stack still on the desk. "Or they will not be counted towards your grade. Scrap paper is at the front, you may use your calculators. You have two hours, I'll keep the time on the board here. Good luck," she smiles grimly. My eyes never leave her as she walks up and down the rows, placing a stack of exams at the end of each table. I take one and pass the rest down, reminding myself to keep breathing.

As soon as she hands us our blue books, I open my exam. An entire list of true or false statements assaults my eyes, and I push through the shakiness of my hands to try and fill them in. I rack my brain for anything I can remember about thermodynamics, trying to remain calm. I continue this way throughout the exam, flipping the pages with shaky fingers and listening to my own heart pounding in my ears.

I take a breath, flexing my sore hands. Two essays down, and I have another forty-five minutes to go. I eye the multiple choice, knowing they're going to give me trouble. Professor M. is notorious for giving killer multiple choice portions. I scan the two pages worth, noticing how each question has six possible choices for the answer, rather than the traditional four. As I begin reading through the section on proteins, I quickly realize that to make it even more challenging, each possible answer is only a tiny bit different than the other answers. I didn't study well enough for this, I realize. I take a moment to refocus, staring blankly at the board in front of me. The proctor meets my eye and I swear I almost see a sympathetic smile. I push on the remaining forty minutes of the final, feeling both relieved and horrified once I pass it in.

I check my phone as I leave the exam hall, seeing texts from Lucas, CJ, Mom and Hannah.

Lucas: I know you were busy studying last night - good luck today, you're going to crush it!

I feel a pang of guilt knowing I ignored Lucas yesterday. Talking to him is so easy, especially about school. He just understands all the pressure I'm under. I type out a reply, explaining how difficult Biochem was.

CJ: good luck, catch you after Physics

I smile to myself, thankful that we made plans for after my finals. He's just helping me pack up some things for the Christmas holiday, but even just seeing him might lift my mood.

Mom: Good luck today baby!! Make me proud (you always do!!!) love you!!

I roll my eyes at her excessive use of exclamation points but text her back without telling her how tough Biochem actually was. Or how I don't feel much better about this next exam.

Last is Hannah's text.

Hannah: Good luck today girly! Rooting for you

A series of hearts fill the screen. I bite my lip, still irritated at her and Cassandra. Still, I answer her kindly, as if I'm not bothered at all.

I find a seat on a big leather sofa, spreading my physics things out before me, while ordering a large iced coffee from my phone. Time to get to work.

"I'm serious. I don't think today could have gone worse," I groan as CJ holds open a garbage bag for me to shove clothes into.

He shakes his head, strands of dark hair falling into his eyes. "I'm sure you did great," he's so patient with me.

"I really messed up," I mutter, tossing another handful of shirts into the plastic bag. The weird thing is, even as I'm saying the words out loud, I don't feel that upset admitting the fact to him. Nothing like the massive pit that grows in my stomach when I consider facing my mother soon.

"Did you do your best?" He stares intently at the photos on my wall and I feel bare, scanning the pictures to make sure they don't reveal anything too embarrassing.

"Yeah," I squeak, guilt eating at me when I think of the time wasted talking to him instead of studying.

CJ smiles brightly back at me. "That's all you can do." He leans forward and kisses the top of my head, sending butterflies wild in my belly.

I sigh a big huff and fall back onto my bed. "Tell that to the medical school admissions people," CJ joins me, rolling onto his side to face me. His breath is warm on my face, and I inhale deeply, intoxicated by his scent. "I'm afraid I won't be good enough," I whisper.

"Do you like it?" I'm taken aback by his question and blurt out an immediate yes. He raises his dark brows at me, a half grin on his lips. His long fingers drum against my thigh, his body never staying completely still.

"Yes?" I repeat, much less sure. I hadn't ever stopped to think about whether or not I liked my pre-med classes. I wanted to go to medical school, I needed to take the classes, so I took them. End of story. CJ's hazel eyes bore into mine as he traces my lips slowly. I exhale, relaxing into his palm. "Maybe, I don't know. I hate Biochemistry and Chemistry, and Physics." I fling my arm over my face. "Okay, maybe I don't like it."

"So why do it?" CJ asks simply, gently tugging my arm from over my eyes to get a better view of my expression. He leans forward, his long hair brushing against my forehead. His lips touch mine gently, his tongue softly tracing the outline of my lips.

"It's not that simple," I shake my head, pushing his chest. CJ's smile grows as he nods his head in protest.

"It is." He sits up on the edge of the bed. "It can be," I hear a hint of sadness in his voice but remember the times he has recoiled when I asked too much. I bite my tongue.

"But," I pull myself up beside him, tucking myself closely to his side. Being so close to him sets my skin on fire, makes me think of things I never have before. "What would I do instead?"

His head tips back in laughter, the sound echoing off the walls. "Ah, that's the best part, Kat - whatever you wanted."

For a tiny moment, I allow myself to indulge his fantasy, thoughts of studying writing or fine arts filling my mind. No pressure to get the top grades in classes I don't even like, no more lengthy labs that I don't actually understand. I take the classes I want, I stress less about studying. I know what I want and I get it. I eye CJ shyly, bringing my lip between my teeth. I would be bolder, I'd be the type of girl CJ would fall for, actually fall for - outgoing and carefree.

My phone rings, interrupting my daydream. "Mom," I pick up before she has time to worry.

CJ's brows pull together curiously, his eyes watching my face. I turn away feeling self conscious, but he tugs my elbow closer so he can see my face. Electricity shoots up my arm and straight to my heart, beating faster and faster at his touch.

"Honey I'm just getting off the highway, I'll be there in about an hour." Moms voice sounds distant, like she's using the phone in the car.

"Sounds good," I watch CJ observing me.

"How'd your exams go? Glad they're over?" I'm thankful she's driving, not giving me her full attention. It makes it easier to lie to her.

"Yes, can't wait to be home." I agree with her second question. "Um, the exams were hard." I bite my lip, blushing under CJ's gaze. "But I think I did fine," I rush out the last bit, hoping to avoid questions from them both.

CJ's eyes widen as I finish up chatting with my mom.
"I think I get it now," he smirks slyly once I hang up. I sense the direction this conversation is going, and the heat I feel between us cools instantly as I back away from him to get some space.

"Don't," I stop him, shooting warning daggers at him with my eyes.

He continues anyways, folding his long arms over his chest and learning on the wall. "You do what mommy and daddy tell you to," he teases. His tone is playful and I know that, but I can't help the anger rising in my throat. "A good girl," CJ cooes, his finger gently touching my cheek, crossing the space between us.

"Don't touch me," I snap, shoving his hand away. His eyes are shocked, but he drops his hand suddenly. "You don't know anything about me." I lift my chin defiantly.

I continue shuffling around the room, shoving necessities into my duffel bag. Hyper aware of CJ's eyes following my every move, I am careful to avoid his eyes. Finally, CJ mumbles quietly, "You're right, I don't. But whose fault is that?"

I hear the door click softly and I sink to the floor, gripping a pillow to my chest tightly. The feeling in my chest is unfamiliar - I'm not used to feeling my heart crack over something so seemingly insignificant.

The part of my mind responsible for never letting me down easy taunts me, Told you so, told you so.

Mom texts to let me know she'll be here in a few minutes. I lug my bags to the bottom of the stairs, ready to get home as soon as I can. Home. Where things are safe and easy. I hear the soft click of the door replaying in my brain as I wait for Mom's car to pull in. So now I realize, I not only failed an exam so I could talk to a boy... I failed an exam to talk to a boy that I would push away not even hours later.

I throw my duffel over my shoulder as I notice Mom's familiar headlights getting closer. Nice, Kat, I think to myself, really nice.