Rain beats down on me as I sit in the small rowboat that haunts my nightmares. Perhaps it was seeing my brother's face again that ignited the memory. Gods know that the guilt is alive and well within me, even after what he did to Cordelia.

A flash of white catches my attention and I look across the boat. Cordelia sits on the other end. Her silver hair is plastered to her face and the thin shift dress she wears clings to all her curves. My mate is out of place here, like an angel present in the darkest of memories.

"I—" The words jumble together in my throat, making it impossible to speak.

"This is where you tried to kill him."

Shame spreads through me, saturating my entire being. "It is."

She watches the empty space between us, and three bodies appear like ghosts. Cane is on his back as Lorelai sits at his head, pinning him down. I hold myself over him, straddling his weak body and aim a black wood stake at his heart.

"I didn't want to do it. This was the most difficult moment of my entire life. I would have given anything for the outcome to be different," I say.

Her voice is a shaky whisper as she asks, "Why did you do it, then? Couldn't you have spared him?"

He really didn't tell her anything, did he? She has no idea of the reasoning behind why I did what I did. That it wasn't because I wanted the throne or I wanted Cane dead.

"Gods, Cordelia, I wish I could have."

We both turn to watch the horrifying scene before us, and I can tell Cordelia is seeing it from a brand-new point of view.

I watch myself raise the stake high in the air, and when it slices through Cane's skin, I can feel the pain just like it was yesterday.

When I speak, it's in a voice I can barely hear over the crashing waves. "When I stabbed him, I felt it too. That's something I've never told anyone before now. Not even Lorelai."

She turns her face toward me, her eyes wide and shining with unshed tears. "Gods, Elias," she murmurs, raising from the seat to come to me. I hold my hand up to stop her.

"This boat is small. You have to stay where you are so we don't tip over," I say. It's true, but I also don't want her to feel how badly I'm shaking all over.

She nods and we both continue to watch as Cane writhes in agony.

"It's not working, Eli," Lorelai says through clenched teeth.

"I know, fuck...I don't want him to suffer." What I didn't say to her is that I intentionally missed his heart. As much as I wanted the world to see that I did what I set out to do, inside I failed on purpose. How would I live with myself if I succeeded? It didn't matter what my brother's intentions were. It didn't matter what he would do to those weaker than us if he took the crown. I just wanted him to live, and I prayed to whatever gods were listening that this would be his wakeup call.

"We could drown him. Put him out of his misery," she suggests, her voice low and emotionless.

As the image of me debates Lorelai's suggestion, I say, "I fought with her plan. If he couldn't swim, the ocean would take him. But at least it was the sea and not his own brother that killed him. Technicalities. I was reduced to finding loopholes so I could live with what I was doing."

Cordelia leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. "But why, Elias? Why did you do it? If you didn't want to, then why did you?"

I match her pose and hold her eyes as I say, "Our sire, Andres has been dying for decades. But not knowing the fate of our people has had him hanging on to life. The night he turned Cane and I, he didn't realize there were two of us. Add to that our transformation into vampires within seconds of each other and you have a complicated as fuck situation. Vampire law calls for the eldest to become heir, but I was born first and Cane transformed first. We've basically stunted the ascension process, and the only way to fix it is for one of us to die. I was willing to forgo the crown and my life and give it to my brother." I run my hand along the back of my neck and sigh. "But of course Cane complicated matters. He started talking about hierarchy and vampires taking their true place in the realms. He wants humans to serve supes as they did centuries ago. That is not the belief of Andres and me. So my sire told me I couldn't give him the throne. And here I am." I point to me as I drop my brother's body into the water.

Her eyes narrow and then widen as she realizes my meaning. "Wait. Are you saying that Cane wants to...use humans for whatever purposes he sees fit? For all vampires to do that? Would that mean, like..." She swallows before whispering, "Killing them for sport or something?"

"Chattel. Humans would be essentially slaves to us until vampires found themselves hungry, then they would be dinner. His frame of mind also means he thinks of other supes below us, so it is only a matter of time before he would treat them as lesser beings as well. Everyone would be slaves to vampires."

"Hades' sake," she murmurs, pushing her rain-soaked hair out of her face. "I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. He wouldn't tell you that part, would he? That didn't fit his narrative. He knew you'd never go for that plan. He also knew that you'd understand why I did what I did. But I couldn't even go through with it. But he doesn't know that I missed on purpose. I'll at least give him that. I never told him...never had the chance to tell him."

"I'm sorry I believed his side, even if only for a little while," she says, shame clouding her features.

"It's okay," I say with a nod. "If you don't mind, I'm ready to leave this nightmare, belle rêveur."

She doesn't hesitate to end the dream and release me from sleep. I bolt up in the bed and draw in an audible breath. The reasonable part of me knows I'm safe, that it was all a dream, but it doesn't make the hate I have for that moment of my past any more tolerable.

But what does make it just tolerable enough is feeling my mate's arms slip around my waist as she pulls me close to her. "Elias? Are you okay? I know that wasn't easy to relive, but thank you for sharing it with me. It was something I needed to see, I think." She reaches up and places her warm palm on my cheek, tilting my face down to hers. "And before you ask, it doesn't change anything. I feel the same about you as I always have. The only thing it does is deepen my understanding of why. Do you hear me?"

I did. Every word she spoke to me was a cherished new memory; one that outshined the horrible ones. And it wasn't just what she said to me but the way she touched me, how she smelled like summer flowers and my laundry detergent, and it was the sight of her looking at me with such compassion. This is my mate. I understood nothing better than that.

"I hear you, Cordelia." I press my forehead against hers and breathe her in. I'll never make the same mistakes I made before.

"Good," she whispers, slipping her hand up and into my hair, holding me right in place, like she's afraid if she lets me go, I'll disappear.

As if I would ever make the mistake of letting her slip through my fingers ever again.

I glance at the alarm clock on her nightstand and say, "It's already 7:00 am. Do you want to do something fun today?"

She sits back so she can see my face, her eyes lighting with hope. We haven't left the palace since I brought her here; I've been too paranoid that Cane might be lurking around. Even though there are wards around my property, he could still be close by. But my guards have told me they've seen no sign of him, so I think we're safe to go somewhere today.

Somewhere I know she's dying to go.

"Like what?" she asks, and I can't help but smile at the joy in her face.

I twist a strand of her soft hair around my finger, noticing that the silver color has intensified since the summer. I wonder if it's connected to the development of her powers.

"Uh-uh. It's a surprise, belle rêveur. Just get ready and meet me in the hallway in half an hour?"

"But what do I wear?" she says in a not-so-subtle attempt to trick me into giving her a hint.

I shake my head. "It doesn't much matter. The climate here is temperate, but you may want to wear a light jacket for the destination."

She cocks her head to the side. "Please don't take me somewhere cold. I can't take any more snow."

I laugh. "Hell no. No more snow."

"All right, fine. Let's go, let's get ready," she says, jumping out of bed and pulling me to my feet.

"Damn, if this is all it takes to get you up and moving in the morning," I tease.

She shoots me a playful glare and I hold up my hands in surrender as I back out of her room. "Meet me right here in thirty."

***

I'm waiting outside her door twenty-seven minutes later wearing jeans and a blue button-down. When she comes out of her room a couple minutes later, my heart seizes in my chest.

Cordelia is gorgeous to me anytime at all during the day, night, makeup, no makeup, hair a mess or perfectly styled. It doesn't matter to me.

But the way she's dressed right now is just so...her. There's no other way to explain it. Lorelai picked out clothes for her that she thought she'd like; I couldn't do it because it made me too fucking sad. But I see my best friend does indeed know exactly what Cordelia likes.

The black leggings she's wearing are tight in all the right places and fit her like a second skin, and she's paired them with a purple v-neck sweater that's loose at the waist and falls off one shoulder, showing the creamy, freckled skin I want to lick every inch of.

The snow boots she'd worn the other day have been ditched and she's back to wearing slip-on Vans. Her hair is curled and she's wearing it down her back, my favorite of all her regular styles. She didn't put on much makeup, and I love it; her skin is glowing all on its own and her eyes are bright with excitement.

"Okay, I'm ready. Can you tell me where we're going yet?"

I shake my head. "Not yet, but you will know it when you see it. Besides, this trip is way overdue."