I honestly don't care if you read this or not because I'm about to get emo and write down how I'm feeling right now

I mean, I guess that's kinda what this book is for.

But I get it if you only read for my random stuff that I put up for giggles. Cause who wants to read about sad things unless it's some book or drama? No one likes bad news.

Anyways, I just want to write this down as a way for me to just breathe.

My grandfather is currently dealing with Parkinson's Disease, which is "a progressive disorder of the nervous system that effects movement" according to Google.

But he also has dementia because his mental ability is also getting worse as time goes on.

We're starting this thing where my grandfather stays at my house with me and my parents Wednesday evenings while my grandmother goes out for a Bible study since he can't really go anymore.

He doesn't have the strength to get out much and falls a lot because of his balance loss. He also doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality anymore. So his hallucinations are actually happening in his eyes.

I'm not going to get real deep into that or some of the things that he thinks are the right thing when they really aren't because sometimes it's dark what he sees or what he thinks he hears from the TV or conversations and I hate thinking about it.

My mom came to me later after my grandmother picked him up so she could talk to me. I was having a pretty good day and just read a Jeno fanfiction so I felt really bubbly, but she decided to talk to me about my grandfather.

She said that when he comes over, she wants me to talk to him more and spend a lot of time with him.

And I know exactly why she's telling me that. It's obvious that he's getting worse and worse and she's implying to me that anything could happen at this point.

His blood pressure has been getting too low lately and they've been struggling to get it back to normal. He falls all the time. He wanders off all the time.

One time, in the middle of winter, he left their house in the middle of the night. Early that morning, someone had brought him home.

But just imagine if someone didn't find him? In the middle of winter when there was snow covering the ground. At night.

I just nodded and told my mom that I'll talk more and smiled while hugging her and saying goodnight.

When I returned to my room, I then allowed myself to cry because I couldn't do that in front of her. I act stoic around my parents but I actually cry a lot. Never go to the movies with me if it's sad because I will cry and cry and cry...

Back to the point, I didn't to tell her that it's hard for me to talk to him. When he replies, it's always so weak and hard to hear and most of the time doesn't make sense.

He'll say things that didn't have anything to do with the conversation and it makes me hurt because he doesn't know that. He can't tell that what he's saying isn't what we were talking about.

It's hard to talk to him a lot because it could always be the last and my throat closes. Nothing can come out. I want him to know that I love him so much, but my words get caught. What if he doesn't even understand it? And he thinks it's something different?

I've dealt with two other deaths in my family, but they died happily and aware. Seeing him being slowly eaten away by this disease in front of our eyes makes it harder for me to experience.

Idk, I'll probably delete this part later. I made a book in the past that was letters to him in a poetic form but I deleted it because I couldn't write in it anymore without crying.

If you actually read this, thanks for letting me go on about something that's been bothering me. I hope I didn't bore you or scare you away.

I just really wanted to get it off my chest and sometimes it's hard to talk to people face to face about it. Cause I'll start crying, like right now.

Enough of this, I'm sorry to make a sad update. I'll talk to you in the next one with a more happy and funny message

♡♡♡