And yet to every bad there's a worse . - Thomas Hardy

Arsonist's Lullabye

Hozier

When I was a child, I heard voices

Some would sing and some would scream

You soon find you have few choices

I learned the voices died with me

When I was a child, I'd sit for hours

Staring into open flame

Something in it had a power

Could barely tear my eyes away

All you have is your fire

And the place you need to reach

Don't you ever tame your demons

But always keep 'em on a leash

When I was 16, my senses fooled me

Thought gasoline was on my clothes

I knew that something would always rule me

I knew the scent was mine alone

All you have is your fire

And the place you need to reach

Don't you ever tame your demons

But always keep 'em on a leash

When I was a man I thought it ended

When I knew love's perfect ache

But my peace has always depended

On all the ashes in my wake

All you have is your fire

And the place you need to reach

Don't you ever tame your demons

But always keep 'em on a leash

A/N  Sorry guys I just love that song so much and wanted to share it with you all. Some of the lyrics have to do with hurt, pain and being different. Being different is awesome and don't ever forget it, if you do contact me and I will remind you. Well enjoy the stories and keep your head up high.

Interrupting my self loathing Dr. Gillies came back with my stuff.

" Mr. Jones the bottle with the clear top is an anti depressant and the one with the black top is for your anxiety/panic attacks. Sign these papers and return them to the front desk downstairs before you leave. Take care son and remember our agreement."

I quick sign the paper without reading them because I just want to get out of here. When I reach the front desk I see a whole bunch of nurses and when they see me their laughter dies down. I over-heard the blonde nurse call me hot. As if on cue I scrunched up my nose thinking of how she could never even compete against Bella. As I walk out of the hospital I just remembered that I did not drive here. Luckily I have my wallet and phone so I get a Uber. I give the Uber driver  Bella's address and I go to sleep.

                                                                                   *Skip car ride*

The Uber driver woke me up to say that we are here. My words get caught in my throat and tears are threatening to spill when I see Bella's house. Images of me finding my mothers lifeless body along with my memory of seeing Bella in a body bag are flowing through my head.

"Sir are you okay, you are shaking."

Noticing my upcoming panic attack I quickly pay the driver and jog to my car.

"Your okay mi amor just breath. I am here for you."

"Get out of my head Bella you are not here, you left me alone."

" My son take your medicine and calm down please I love you and we are always here for you."

" Mom you never loved me because you left, I needed you and I still do. You are only messing with me and screwing with my head. WHY can't you leave me alone?!"

As I take my medicine I can literally feel my heart breaking into tiny little pieces and it hurts. I just sit behind the wheel and cry. It was the only thing that came to mind. The voices in my head left and I can only be thankful. I know for a fact their voices aren't real because they only come when my anxiety level rises. I look at the time and it is midnight, I feel so drowsy from crying for most of the day in my car. Thinking it is about time for me to go home I put my keys in the ignition and carefully drive home.

When I get home I take a long shower while two years of memories with Bella flood my head.

" I will always be here, you can't get rid of me that easily."

"Same here." Looking down I see my version of the promise ring on my finger. When I bought it I vowed that I would never take it off and even though she is no longer here I will keep that promise. When I was done preparing myself mentally for school it was already 3:15 in the morning. The only problem is that I feel wide awake. On nights like this I would have Bella next to me. Laying in my bed looking up at the glow in the dark stars.

                                                           *Flashback*

Since I couldn't sleep I called Bella and she came right over. She never liked me going over to her house unless nobody was home. We were laying in my bed in a comfortable silence with me stroking her long beautiful hair when she broke the silence.

" You know what I do when I can't sleep?"

"Think about me babe what else."

"No you condescending moron, I look at the stars and start to count them. You should try it when you can't sleep."

"Well there is a slight problem with that beautiful, I do not have a balcony connected with my room like you do. So I don't have any stars t look at."

"Well then I am going to have to get you some aren't I. Actually let's go get them right now."

" Right now? Babe it is 2:45 in the morning, it can wait my problems don't matter."

" Yes right now, I am aware of the time and yes they do matter. You matter to me and I love you so lets go get those stars."

                                                          *End of flashback*

That night ended with us putting up thousands of stars to were it covered the whole ceiling. I also missed practice because I was so tired. Coach made me run more than I was supposed to when I told him exactly what Bella and I were doing. I decided to call Bella's phone so I can hear the voice I knew was real when she created her voicemail.

" Hello you have reached Bella, but I am probably with the love of my life right now so leave your name and I will get back to you later."

Since I heard her voice I think it was only fair for me to speak. " Hey Bella baby I miss you so much. WHY did you leave me alone? I loved you so much the thought of you leaving me made me hysterical. I thought I expressed that to you. Well it is late buenos noches mi amor."

I still can't go to sleep so I am still laying here in the dark looking up at the stars. I get out of my bed to go to my work out room, just to get my mind off of things just for a little bit. I have basketball practice in the mornings and in the afternoons. We have a two hour practice in the morning and just an hour in the afternoon. I work out for an hour before glancing up at the clock that reads 4:15. Practice starts at 5:00 sharp and we end at 7:00. That means we have an hour to do whatever we want because school starts at 8:00. I usually go home to take a shower, get dressed and go get Bella. I get in the shower and put on my Nike sponsored shorts and sleeveless shirt. Wanting to be the first one there I leave early. When I get to the gym I get started for a two mile run. Normally we have to only do a mile but since I missed both the morning and afternoon practices I did two. I had no problem doing it, it was easy considering a had a track star for a girlfriend. We conditioned like this and harder every time. It took me 10 minutes flat. I then see my coach and the whole team start to come in the gym. When I walk up everyone's shocked to see me.

"Hey coach sorry I missed both practices yesterday and it won't happen again. I did my two mile run before you all got here."

Still shocked I guess coach just nodded an okay and I walked over to the boys. Jacob was the first to speak as always. He is the co-captain of this team, but that title really means nothing unless I am not here.

"Hey man I am sorry for your loss, Bella was a special girl. You know you didn't have to come here right? We don't need you all the time and you can step down and give me the position of captain if it is too much right now."

Thinking this is not the time to piss me off I responded. " Jacob just shut the hell up for once would you. You just want me to step down because you are not even close to being good enough to receive the title on your own. You are more of a dumbass than I thought."

" You did not receive that title for captain because you were better than me. It was because he felt sorry for you. You are a disease and everyone that gets close to you dies, your m..."

That's all he had to say to drive me overboard. So I punched him in his face. No one has ever seen me fight but hey this is a new me and I don't care. All I could see was red as I kept hitting him. Years of frustration coming out and it was like my arms had a mind of it's own. I didn't even feel bad because Jacob deserved everything I was dishing out. Coach broke us up and he told me to run it off. Jacob on the other hand needed to be helped by two other boys to reach the nurses office.

A/N Hi guys I set this book's date to update on Thursday's but I have to go to work tomorrow and I was also called in today and right now I have to start getting dressed so bye bye hope you enjoyed the chapter. Wow that was a run on, but anywho um don't be a silent reader comment and vote. XOXO Renee_Salvatore