A Historical Fanfiction. Song based (If I Could Tell Her from Dear Evan Hansen)
Ship: Philidosia [Philip x Theodosia]

Philip tugged at his collar, deliberately taking slow steps. Putting off what he needed to say.

You can only put something off for so long. So long before it begins to eat you alive, to steal your sleep and state of mind. The weight of a secret is way heavier than any brick or cannon. It's a crushing weight that will pin you down and never let go.

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. A few more steps to the porch. A few more steps to the door. He knocked, thinking about turning and running. He bounced lightly on the heels of his feet a, scratching the back of his neck and fidgeting with the tails of his coat.

Aaron Burr, his father's friend and enemy, who Philip had known since he was a child. He nodded in greeting. "Hello, Philip."

"Hello, sir, I was, Uh, wondering if Theodosia would be able to join me for a walk around the park?" He cringed at the slight stutter in his voice. Sweat rolled down his neck. His face filled with heat.

Almost as if summoned, the tall and graceful daughter of Aaron Burr appeared in the doorway behind her father. She instantly smiled when she spotted Philip, her eyes crinkling in happiness. "Philip," she said, her smile never ceasing, "What are you doing here?"

"He came to ask if you would accompany him for an afternoon stroll in the park," Burr said, his eyes never leaving Philip's. Anxiety ran in waves through the young man. "I see no reason for you not to."

It didn't seem possible for her smile to get any brighter. Yet it did. Her curls bounced down her back. "Thank you, Poppa!" She called, lifting her skirts and walking down the steps of the porch, wrapping her arm around Philip's.

"Take care of my daughter, son."

"I will, sir, thank you," Philip said gratefully, leading Theodosia out onto the cobblestone road.

She leaned her head against his shoulder; they were almost the same height. "I love the springtime."

"Yeah, I do too."

He sighed, enjoying the breeze tousling his hair. She brushed it out of his eyes and said, "I like seeing your eyes."

He gently took her hand and guided her to a park bench near a patch of wildflowers. "Theodosia, I... um..." he tugged on his collar nervously.

She tilted her head, resting her hand on his knee. "Just say what you think, Philip."

"Your smile— I just... I love when you smile. Even just a little bit. It's so subtle and perfect and... and real. You don't know how that smile can make someone feel," he said all in one quick breath, running a hand through his hair. She opened her mouth to speak but he wasn't stopping now; if he stopped, he doubted he'd have the courage to finish what he had planned. "And when you get bored you scribble little stars on the hem of your dress and your dad hates it but I think it's adorable and you read dime store novels and newspaper advice columns and I just... there's so much about you. And I don't really know how to say it. If I... if I could just tell you how I feel, but it's so difficult to find the words and it's like we're in totally different worlds and... and I just want you to know that I think so many things about you, so many amazing things... if only I could tell you."

He ran a hand through his hair and she laced her fingers with his. "What other thoughts do you have in that brain of yours?"

"About you?" Philip asked, turning to her. "There's so much... uh... I'm just trying to think of the best ones..."

Theodosia gave an airy laugh.

"Uh, I thought that when you let your hair down it's really pretty... pretty, Uh, nice. Like really nice. And when you dance, I've just always wondered how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn't there. If I could tell you everything, it would be so amazing because then you'd know how I feel about you. What am I supposed to do when it feels like we're on different planets? I want so badly for you to know how I feel, if only I could find a way to tell you.

"There's this gap I can't bridge, you know? You're right here, but it's as if you're so far away. If I could tell you... if I could just get the courage and tell you that I love you this would be so much easier but I can't because you probably don't feel that way about me and if only I could just get on with it and say that I love you because I do and—" he froze, realizing what he'd just said.

He was about to stammer out an apology when suddenly soft lips were against his, just for a breath. He barely had time to register what was happening when she pulled away.

Theodosia looked at him, a hand on his neck. "I love you, too, Philip."

"I— you—"

She grinned and landed another soft kiss on his cheek. "Don't tell my father."

"Wasn't planning on it... I'd kind of like to keep my head attached to my body," Philip chuckled, placing a hand on her waist. "Do you really mean that?"

"Of course," she said, nodding, their faces just inches apart. "I will love you until I die, Philip Hamilton, and you can count on it."

"When you're worlds apart," he said softly, staring into her eyes, "how do you say I love you?"

"Like this," she whispered, kissing him again on the lips for just a moment. Less than half a second. But it was plenty, a moment he would never forget. It was perfect.

"I love you, my dear Theodosia."