Azaezal's office: the underworld

Azaezal is reading notes on Sacred Gears that he has studied, Vali Lucifer walks in, visibly annoyed

Vali: Old man, I haven't had a good fight in a long time, I thought that the Grigori would be more combat proficient.

Azaezal: If you want a fight, go after Kokabeil, I hear he tried to restart the great war. Please try to bring him back alive so he could be punished.

Vali: I make no promises.

Vali teleports to just outside Kouh Academy

Azaezal: I've almost cracked the code. Yaweh, how did you do it? How did you create the first Sacred Gear?

Just outside Kouh Academy

Vali looks at the barrier set up by the Sitri peerage and growls. He punches it once, twice, three times before it shatters! He activates his Divine Dividing Balance Breaker and flies towards Kokabeil's energy, before it suddenly plummets

Vsli: What? His power, it's dropping immensl-it's gone. Albion, do you know what could have happened?

Albion: I think he's dead. I feel a power that I haven't felt in centuries. A Nephilim killed him. Wait, he also has Ascalon!? Vali! Don't engage him!

Vali freezes once he hears what happened and growls

Vali: How dare that Nephilim kill my opponent. I guess I'll have to fight him the next time he shows up.

Albion: But, I can sense Ddraig is there, but his energy is very weak, as if it was drained. But I can tell he was weak to begin

Vali: So, my rival is severely weak and a Nephilim killed my plaything. Today is not going well for me.

Albion: You can say that again. My rival has a weak host, and I wanted to have an even fight with him.

Vali teleports back to the Grigori headquarters to tell Azaezal the news

Crimson's Base

Crimson and the Heretic Champions teleport into the living room and they all separate to do their own things. While Crimson walks around outside with Handler, Crimson feels like something is watching him

Crimson: Do you feel that?

Handler: Feel what?

Crimson: I feel like I'm being watched.

Handler: You're just paranoid. It's probably nothing.

Crimson shakes his head

Crimson: No, it's more than just paranoia.

Schrodinger: He's right, you know, zere is somebody following ze boz of you, unt it seems to be a black cat in ze trees around you boz.

Crimson looks around in the trees and spots a distinctly feminine looking black cat

Crimson:...........Really Kuroka? That's the best you could do?

The cat transforms into a busty, lusty, black haired Nekoshou

Kuroka: C'mon Crimson, you need to loosen up, nya!

Crimson: If I do, you'll try to rape me and get yourself impregnated with my kids. I'm not letting that happen.

Kuroka: Eh, you're not wrong, nya!

Crimson chuckles and lightly glares at her

Crimson: You've learned well, young padawan. But how are things going in the Grigori?

Kuroka: They could be a lot worse, Nya! Bikou is fun to be around, but he's too prideful, nya! And Vali is fun to tease, but he's a battle maniac and isn't much fun to be around, nya!

Crimson: And Vali is the White Dragon Emperor, and technically my nephew. You know, it's a shame. If he would focus on more than just getting stronger, I would invite him to the family reunion. You know, get the children of the true Devil kings, and have a nice, violence free dinner and chat. Grayfia might not like it, but it'll happen.

Handler decides to speak up

Handler: Umm, Crimson. Could you please introduce me to your friend here?

Crimson: Where are my manners. Handler, this is Kuroka. Kuroka, this is my girlfriend, most people just call her Handler.

Kuroka playfully glares while Handler blushes heavily

Kuroka: Nice to meet you, nya!

Handler: It's nice to meet you too.

Schrodinger: Boz of you ladies are lovely, I would have chosen Kuroka if I vasn't stuck in zis infernal device

Crimson: But, the question is, would she be into a Nazi Neko Vampire Trap?

Kuroka: That depends on how strong he is, Nya!

Crimson: His physical power is nothing to be impressed be, but his ability, and by extension, my ability is truly and completely borken. Though, he does cement himself as the strongest counter-longinus. The easiest way to explain it is "I think, therefor I am."

Kuroka:*blushing* I may have taken Schrodinger up on his offer, if he wasn't in your gear. Nya!

Schrodinger: Zank you, mein fraulien. Zough, I may be able to make a projection of myself, if you vould like.

Crimson: You know what, why not. I kind of want to see Kuroka's reaction.

Schrodinger appears in a slightly transparent projection

Schrodinger:*stretching* Ah, zat's better. Now, mein fraulien, vat do you zink?

Kuroka: You're adorable! Nya!

Crimson: And he's a Cait Sith, so he's basically a European version of a Nekomata. There, you two are a match made in fanfiction.

(Crimson, what have I told you about breaking the fourth wall? Shut your fictional ass up, before I decide that you suddenly get 12 STDs starting with the letter H)

(Crimson: How can you do that if you're dead?)

(.......Shit, you right)

While the author and Crimson work some stuff out, Schrodinger decides to make his construct solid

Schrodinger: Zere, now I am completely physical. It seems zat my power works on boz me and my host! Vunderbar!

Kuroka dashes over and hugs him, pushing his face into her breasts

Schrodinger: Please let go of me. I may be a Sacred Gear, but I still need to breaze.

Kuroka: Awww. But I was enjoying that. Nya!

Handler: Did anyone else notice that Crimson just disappeared?

Kuroka: I'm used to it by now. Nya! He's done it since before I met him. Whenever he gets back he seems to have someone else's blood on him. I wouldn't be worried, he's never hurt. Nya!

Schrodinger: Vell, Herr Crimson is a very violent person unt has a very short temper. He probably vent somevere unt is crippling somevun as ve speak.

Kuroka: Or getting his ass kicked. Nya! We can never know with him. Nya!

Handler: Is anybody going to question where he went?

Greed:*in the distance* NO!

MEANWHILE

Crimson is fighting against me, the author

Crimson: Mother fucker! I'll kick your ass!

Me: Bitch, you ain't gonna do shit!

Crimson: Oh yeah? Just watch me!

Crimson punches me in the face, causing me to spit out blood

Me: Fuck you! You're a piece of shit!

I kick Crimson in the face, causing him to crash into a wall.

Me: Take that you shithead!

Crimson: Fuck YOU!

Crimson tackles me through a window and we start falling to the ground.

Mother FUCKER! YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!

Crimson: You can only thank yourself for that, you retard!

Right before we hit the ground at terminal velocity, he teleports away. I land on the ground, head first and my brains and skull fragments splatter across the pavement.

They start to pull back together as I regenerate. After a couple of seconds, my head has fully healed itself

Me: I hate when that happens.

Can somebody please suggest a name for Handler, it's kind of annoying to call her Handler every time. Plus, she deserves a name other than "Handler". It's all up to you, the readers.