--- To struggle: ［no object, with adverbial of direction］ Make one's way with difficulty. ---

I gave up on sleeping when the dawn of the next day shed the first rays of light in the guest room. My eyes were wet and puffy from all of the crying I had done during the long hours of darkness and a sharp headache was already hounding me.

I breathed in heavily and sat on the bed, looking around the nearly empty room. The start of tears stung my eyes once again when the pained voice of Max echoed in my head, reminding me of the cruel reality and the things that waited ahead of me.

Josh was not here anymore.

I could never hear his voice again; I would never meet his warm gaze anymore. I was never going to feel safe as I felt when I was near him. A sob left my lips and I covered my face with both hands, releasing the wave of grief that had washed over me many times during the past hours.

When my eyes had no more tears to shed, I forced myself to go over the conversation I had with Max the night before.

When I had finished telling him all what happened and finally stopped bawling, we decided on what to do. Going back immediately was not an option: it was dangerous and it would make all the sacrifices meaningless. I had to stay, finish the internship, and show the attackers we weren't backing down at anything.

Besides, the original conditions of my deal to stay there had to change. The level of security would increase, plus, I was to have a bodyguard to stay with me at all times. The idea of having someone babysit me constantly wasn't thrilling, but see the circumstances, I needed it.

About the remains of our warriors, we would hold a small funeral in the Silver Crest pack to guide their soul to the Moon Goddess. Nonetheless, I would be taking them with me back home and hold a proper funeral once again as soon as making the trip was safe for me and for them. We didn't want to risk for anyone to defile their bodies the same way they did to our father's corpse.

And lastly, we realized it was due time to start the trials for the Gamma position. We had postponed it far too much and there was no way around it now that Josh was not there anymore.

I felt my lower lip tremble with emotion as I recalled the last word we exchanged the past night.

"I'm so sorry Max...If it weren't for..."

"Don't, Riley." It was my Alpha talking, leaving no space for arguing. "It is not your fault. You need this. We all agreed on it. Especially Josh. He wouldn't have had it any other way, and you know it."

Nothing he said would make me feel less guilty, but I owed it to Josh to try and go on. Or at least bear it in front of the rest.

Someone knocked on my door, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Miss Riley, I brought you a change of clothes and some breakfast."

I felt my stomach grumble in disgust, not willing to receive any food, even though I had rejected the dinner too.

I stood up and opened the door. A person I had not met yet was carrying a bag with a change of clothes and a tray with food. I thanked her and took the bag, passing on the meal. Just the smell was making me feel sicker than what I already felt.

Closing the door, I headed to the bathroom, undressing from the pajama they had lent me day before. I glanced quickly at the sink, where my stained clothes were still soaking in freezing water. The blood would never be completely removed, like the scar in my heart, but at least I was trying to get rid of the smell before I threw them away.

I turned on the shower and stepped in when the steam started to fog the mirror. I let the boiling water run down my body, burning my scratches, making sure there was no single drop of blood left behind, even after yesterday's thorough shower. When I started to feel dizzy enough not to know if I was standing straight or not anymore, I turned the water off and dried my body, putting the borrowed clothes on mechanically. Some blue jeans, a plain red t-shirt, and a warm, a little oversized, cream coloured jumper. Stupidly enough, they reminded me of Josh. He always told me to avoid them because they were a bother in battle. Memories of him started to flash in the front of my head with no specific order.

The proud look in his eyes when he opened the car door for me when leaving the pack just one day before. The first time I rode on his wolf's back. Him rolling his eyes at Max and me when didn't stop reciting every single line of 12 Angry Men, his favourite movie, and he couldn't watch it properly...

I gathered whatever strength I had left and went on brushing my teeth and hair, lost in the memories until a knock on my door interrupted me. I starred at my scruffy reflection and sighted. It was evident I hadn't slept a wink, but I had no make-up to try and cover it up.

It took another nervous knock on the door for me to start moving. I was inches away from the door when it opened abruptly, followed by Kenneth's figure bolting inside. I jumped into an alert stance, roused by his obvious nervousness. I focused on hearing some commotion noises from within the house, but could only catch Kenneth's steps darting towards me hastily, making me step backwards when he was too close for my own comfort.

"What's going on?" It was not until I talked that he snapped out of his weird state. He stopped on his feet and blinked a couple of times before averting his look around.

"Sorry, you didn't answer and I suddenly got worried..." He shoved his hands deep into his jeans' pockets and looked at me once again, concern evident in his tone. "How are you feeling?"

My body relaxed in an instant and I felt the tiredness of the sudden tension adding to the lack of sleep. I looked down and massaged my forehead, trying to pipe down the increasing pain in my head.

"Could be better." I wanted to be angry at his foolish concern, but seeing him and hearing his voice was in many ways more comforting than what I would have liked to admit. I moved a bit further away from him and crossed my arms, placing my gaze on his disheveled hair. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

My sass didn't go unnoticed. The worry in his eyes disappeared instantly and he squared his shoulders, towering above me. Looks like muscles wasn't the only thing he had grown in the past years.

"Alpha Clyde wants to meet you." I nodded, ignoring the hurt I was feeling with every curt word of his. "You can go after having some breakfast."

"Breakfast is over, let's talk." His face hardened slightly, but he decided to stay silent. Turning on his feet, he headed out of the room with me following behind, limping on my leg.

He was probably informed about me refusing dinner and breakfast in the room, but I didn't care. The idea of me enjoying a meal while Josh was never going to take a bite ever again had sealed the pit of my stomach. I would eat at some point, I knew I had to, but right in the moment it was something I was not up to.

We arrived soon to Alpha Clyde's office. Kenneth announced my presence and stayed outside, closing the door once I entered the room.

"Good morning Alpha Clyde." I bowed respectfully and, following his indication, I took a sit in front of him.

"Good morning Riley." He flashed me a pearly white smile that contrasted with his dark skin. I tried to mirror it, managing only an uncomfortable side smile. "I see you didn't have the best night, but who could blame you." I stayed silent and his face turned serious, placing his elbows on the table, weaving his hands together in front of him. "I talked with Alpha Maximilian yesterday. Be reassured nothing is going to happen to you while you are in our care."

"Thank you." I answered out of politeness, not liking the idea of more people dying just to keep me safe. "What about Gamma Josh's funeral?"

"You start your internship on Monday so I thought about holding the ceremony tomorrow morning. You can move to your own apartment after that. Also, your personal bodyguard will move in with you too."

"Sounds reasonable." My newly established cohabitation came as no surprise. I just hoped my guard would be easy to life with. "Did you decide already who is it going to be?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." The corner of his lip curled slightly and I felt a chill rolling down my spine, dreading his next words. "Kenneth." I opened my mouth to protest but he continued, not giving me a chance. "I thought it would be good to have a familiar face around. Plus, you have already lived under the same roof. Can't be very difficult to get used to it again."

"No. I'd rather have someone else." Call me rude, ungrateful... Whatever. I could not let Kenneth back into my life.

"He is the best warrior and I promised your brother I would provide only the best." By his tone I guessed he was not going to change his mind, but I was not going to give in that easily.

"What about the Gamma?" I was being stubborn, I knew, but it was for my own mental health. "Isn't he your strongest warrior?"

Alpha Clyde's lips crooked into a proper smile, amused by my insistence.

"Not exactly. Kenneth declined the Gamma position." I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath. Now I really didn't have any reasonable excuse to refuse. The Alpha stood up and paced to the door, stopping briefly next to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "He will do a good job; I have no doubt about it." He squeezed my shoulder in a comforting manner and continued his way to the door, opening it and signing the person outside to come in.

"Alpha. Riley." Kenneth's voice made my stomach constrict. I answered with a whisper, not bothering to turn and face him. "Is everything settled?"

I held back a snort. Nothing was settled. My life was upside down and my head and heart were a turmoil just by having him in the same room. I clenched my hands on the armrests and breathed in slowly. I needed to get a grip. If I wasn't able to control my feelings, I would never be able to concentrate on my research. Thus, coming there, the death of Josh, the loss of invaluable warriors to our pack... Everything would have meant nothing. I could not have that.

"Yes." I heard Alpha Clyde answering and I lifted my head, masking my feelings with an indifferent expression. "Pack your things. You will be moving in two days."

"Roger." His answer was void of emotions. A soldier following orders.

I realized I was reading too much into this situation. I was just a temporary client and I was letting my memories mess up with me. I had to turn over a new leaf and go ahead with my plans. I stood up and faced Kenneth, offering him my hand.

"Please, take care of me." As much as I was resolute to act unfeeling, I couldn't bring myself to look directly at his eyes and ended up focusing my gaze on a point above his head. "I will try to give you as little problems as possible."

"Same here." His rough hand wrapped around mine gently, waking up the butterflies in my stomach. I closed my eyes and pulled my lips into a tight smile, concentrating on steadying my heartbeat, that I was sure he could hear. "I'll be in your care too."

I could feel his eyes waiting to meet mine, but I simply let his hand go and focused again on Alpha Clyde.

"Now, what can I help with to prepare Gamma Josh's funeral?"

When I reached the room later that evening, I found my luggage in a corner. Scarce and beat up, just like me.

I had spent the whole day in a bubble, avoiding Kenneth successfully and busying myself with preparations not paying any deep thought into what they were for. Seeing the battered suitcase was a slap of reality I was not expecting. I felt nauseous and my hands started shaking. I felt weak on my knees and realized I had skipped the meals for the whole day. Not a good idea.

I staggered carefully to the bed and sat down, focusing on a point on the floor to keep anchored to and not passing out. I leaned on my knees and rested my head on my crossed arms, making controlled intakes of air, shutting everything else out.

I spent several minutes in that position before muffled sounds reached my ears and a warm hand grabbed my shoulder. A warm and pleasant feeling washed over my body, making me reconnect with the rest of my senses.

"Riley, are you okay?" I raised my head and followed the voice to meet a familiar pair of amber irises looking at me in panic.

Kenneth was on his knees, crouching slightly to reach my eye level. I smiled faintly, not having enough power to keep pushing him away. I leaned into him and rested my forehead on his inviting chest.

"Come on, Riley, tell me something." His soft whisper rumbled in his rib cage and poured into my head, soothing my day-long headache.

After a couple of minutes of not reacting, he placed his hands on my shoulders, sending an electric current over my spine and I nodded slightly. I gave myself a couple of seconds more to secretly enjoy the sound of his hectic heartbeat and then pulled myself together, sitting up straight. I ignored the heartache I felt when my eyes met his and crooked my lips into a tiny smile.

"I might need some food."

A/N

Hello everyone! I've been out for nearly three weeks! That went by in the blink of an eye, though... lol
I moved from my apartment and a pile of work came crushing like a tsunami, sorry I could not make time to update any sooner! Also, writing about Josh's death is turning out more difficult than I expected... I'll try to get back to the once a week update pace now that I am stuck at home for working too... ^^U

Thanks for being patient and coming back to read this chapter too

Comments and votes are always welcome! (灬♥ω♥灬)