I was watching a video on Youtuber burnout today, and I realize it really resonated with me. I wanted to see if it resonated with anyone else, hence I'm posting here.

I've been posting on this platform for, God, how long has it been? Since 2016. In that time, I have written 10 novels, a novella, and I am currently working on four books. I have written hundreds of thousands of words, and with each passing day, I'm getting closer to a million. I'm sure there are other prolific authors on here, but none of my mutuals seem to be as intense as me. 

This is my primary hobby. I play instruments, I cook, I work out, I do other things. Right now I'm not in school or working (taking time off for my mental health) so this is really the only thing I have to do. And I can't do it.

When I was first here, I was posting a chapter a DAY. That's 2000 words a day. Now, that feels insurmountable. My chapters keeping getting shorter and shorter (now clocking in at 1500 words) and my uploads are further between. I'm still trying to publish three times a week. Before, I was publishing every two days. Now, I'm lucky if I write a chapter a week. It's becoming impossible for me to keep up with myself.

It's not writer's block. I'm brimming with ideas. I have been updating my drafts section of this book quite a bit because I have a lot to say. I have everything plotted out. I know how to write it. It's just exhausting, and tedious, and it makes it hard to do.

The longer it goes between each chapter, the harder it becomes. Like, I need to come back with a really good chapter to justify the break, and I can never get it perfect enough. Even on just a functional level. I always upload and then find another grammatical error. I feel like I'm chasing perfection on a treadmill.

Before, reads motivated me. I could just look at the count and saw that one person had read it and it filled me with joy. Now, reads are meaningless. I have a story with 150K+ reads. And it's my worst. Comments, they used to excited me. Now, they feel like the bare minimum. If I didn't inspire anyone to say anything, then what is the point?

This isn't a pity party. I'm successful, I'm getting better at writing the more I practice, and I love you all. Like actually. Except for the people who tell me that they hate me and that my book is awful. Like, argh, get a life. And this isn't me crying for more attention. I honestly prefer apply fics which have little success compared to my fanfic books because my apply fics feel so intimate. Like, they are a little family of people who helped me create something beautiful.

Anyway, this is the most I've written in days, despite my efforts. Does anyone else relate? I feel like I'm alone in this.