eleanor rose brooks

i moved a box labeled 'shorts' into the closet since it was closer to winter than summer. this is my first week back in the city. i've been unpacking boxes in my new apartment somewhere on the upper east side. "eleanor, is this your box?" i heard my mom yell. it was only her and i and it has been since i was three, one month before turning four. my golden birthday. my father passed away in boating accident when i was three. it kills me inside that i don't remember him. but i was very young so how was i supposed to? i've seen pictures, my favorite being from the day i was born. him holding me in the hospital. my mom says i look like him, but i don't see it. three years later, when i was seven, i moved to london with my mom. her job got transferred there. i remember not wanting to leave the city, i begged badly to stay. i didn't know when i would be back. but now i am and at this moment, i wish i was in london. i grew up there, my life was there. it's not like it's a short car ride away. maybe i'll like it here better. finn was here, permanently, like me. finn was my boyfriend who i've been dating for a year. thanks to one of my old friends, we were together. she dragged me to a concert of his and he saw me in the audience and the rest was history. he was the lead singer of a band called calpurnia that everyone loved. "surprise." i heard him say as he hugged me from the back. i turned. "you weren't supposed to be back from l.a. until monday!" i said. "i know." he smirked as he kissed me. last time we were together we got into a fight. they became more and more frequent, but he knew not to start one with my mom here. "can you put this on the high shelf in my closet?" i asked handing him a box. he was tall, where i was short. every time i'm with him my mind wanders off to if he would ever cheat on me or not. i've suspected him of it before but i wouldn't tell him that. while at the airport in london before flying over, i wished that i could completely start over, start over without him even. just be a new eleanor. but people knew me because of him. most of the student body at my new school would probably know me, i long for that one person who wouldn't. i didn't want to be known as 'finn wolfhard's girlfriend', i wanted to be known as eleanor brooks. after a while my mood becomes worse after being around him so long, like he's weighing me down. i dream of a time where it's mom and dad and i and finn is not there replacing every memory i've had with my father. when i think of my family all together, it's my mom and i and it makes me feel so guilty that i don't think of my father right away although i know he's there.