ACT THREE, chapter fifty—seven :
i pray to god i don't die in my sleep
i'm as sick as all these secrets i keep
but the truth is, i can only be me

ϟ

Lili was late to the dinner party at Slughorn's.

When she told Hermione to go ahead without her, Lili wasn't sure if she was going to be able to physically make the journey, but then knowing that Harry was about to pester Slughorn on Dumbledore's behalf meant that Lili had to be there. After all, they made a deal, Lili and Harry did. He had to include her and she had to help him.

So.

Body still aching with every step, Lili knocked and stepped into the professor's large office where the appetizers were already served. Everyone turned in shock at her arrival. Slughorn was standing at the head of a round table, goblet raised to the students seated before him: Harry, Hermione, Neville, Marcus Belby, Blaise Zabini, and the Slytherin twins whose names escaped her at the moment. A distinctive crystal hourglass sat in the center of the table. Interesting display piece.

"Oh my dear Miss Snape," cried Slughorn happily, "You were able to make it! Wonderful! Come in, come in."

Lili took one step when Harry's voice interrupted her.

Having jolted to his feet at her entrance, he was gazing at her with glazed eyes, "I didn't know you were out of the Hospital Wing.

Jazzing her hands, she offered an awkward smile, "Surprise."

Lili limped across the room as best she could, tugging at the sleeve of her dark green satin pantsuit. She tried to ignore the flush rising to her cheeks, knowing she hadn't managed to successfully hide all of her wounds from a few days before. It wasn't easy to glamour away her bruises and scrapes (especially those made by Dark curses — which she had plenty of experience with).

Lili felt literally all of them staring as she eased rather painfully into her chair between Hermione and Neville, Blaise Zabini in particular. She wondered if he was going to report back to Draco whom she hadn't seen in days; it seemed likely if Harry's theory was right, even if she hoped (so desperately hoped) he wasn't.

Then, when she lifted her goblet to match the rest, Slughorn crowed, "To Hogwarts' best and brightest!"

Everyone tucked in.

Except for Neville who stared hopelessly at the vast array of forks, knives and spoons placed beside his plate. He leant over and whispered desperately to Lili, "Which one do I use for the soup?"

If it hadn't been for Auntie Cissa, Lili would've had no idea, but bless her Pureblood aunt because she was able to direct Neville to the right one with a subtle nod. He gifted her a look like she was a god who had come from on high and then he dug in, too.

By the time they got to dessert, Slughorn was going round the table and (kindly) interrogating each of them about their parents. What joy. Lili just had to hold on, ignore her aches and pains and the worried looks Harry kept shooting her, and she had to make it to the end of the party where Harry would begin an interrogation of his own.

"So tell me, Cormac," Slughorn began, spooning into his ice cream scoops, "See much of your Uncle Tiberius these days?"

"Yes, sir." The Gryffindor boy responded eagerly, side—eyeing Hermione as he did so. "In fact, I'm meant to go hunting with him and the Minister for Magic over holiday."

Ugh. Gag. There was something about Cormac McLaggen that made Lili want to kick him straight in the bollocks. And seeing as how her gut had kept her alive for the past sixteen years, she was inclined to believe it.

"Well, be sure to give them both my best." Slughorn beamed, proud to be in the know. "What about your uncle, Belby? Working on anything new?" The professor turned to everyone else at the table, very proudly, "For those of you who don't know, Marcus' uncle invented the Wolfsbane Potion."

As he responded, Belby never once looked up from his dessert. "Dunno. He and me dad don't get on. Probably because Dad thinks potions are rubbish." He went on through smacking lips, digging his spoon against the bottom of the bowl, "Says the only potion worth having is a stiff one at the end of the day."

Oh, how perfectly stupid. Did he not know he was talking to the literal Potions Professor? And he was a Ravenclaw? Poor Professor Flitwick. The standards had clearly slipped for the supposed "smart house" since Belby got Sorted. Slughorn looked rather disgusted, and in truth, Lili agreed with the sort of loony man.

"And you, Miss Granger?" The professor was going from student to student, blinking nicely at Lili's best friend, "What is it your family does in the Muggle world?"

"My parents are dentists." At the looks of confusion, Hermione added, "They tend to people's teeth."

"Fascinating." Slughorn squinted in plain confusion, "And is that considered a dangerous profession?"

"No," Hermione answered before remembering and beginning to grin, "Though, a boy named Robbie Fenwick did bite my father once. Needed ten stitches."

Hermione giggled while Harry and Lili smirked. Unfortunately, no one else seemed to get it. Awkward. Still smirking, Lili turned back to massive scoops of ice cream and smiled into the delicious bite of chocolate. Merlin, but did this make getting hexed to hell and back almost worth it. Until...

"And you, Miss Snape," said Slughorn jovially, turning the attention once more. "You must be relieved to be in attendance of our little dinner party, aren't you?"

"Oh." Lili hated when everyone looked at her, cheeks flaming slightly at being in the spotlight. "I'm glad to be out of the Hospital Wing, yes, sir."

"Oh well, of course you are, but that wasn't what I meant. As you may know, I nearly did not invite you, my dear."

Harry straightened in his chair like preparing for a fight while Hermione frowned. Even Neville had his nose scrunched like he was about to leap to her defence. Now more than a little embarrassed, Lili considered simply getting up and leaving the room entirely. This dinner party was so not worth it.

"Uhm."

The girl fidgeted, fearing more humiliation, gripping tighter to her spoon. She briefly considered banging her head against the table. Repeatedly. Over and over 'til she'd suffered enough brain damage to have a proper excuse to leave. Why was leaving a party so d—mn difficult?

"Sir?"

"I'm sorry, please understand I do not mean to insult you, I merely thought you would've known."

"It's like with Nott." Shocked at the sudden interruption, Lili jerked her head to find that it was none other than Blaise Zabini speaking. "You know Theodore, Lilium. He's smart enough to belong in the Slug Club—,"

Slughorn bristled... until Zabini added.

"—But his dad was stupid enough to join the Death Eaters."

"Yes, yes. Quite right. And with your mother being rather infamous in her support of... well, You Know Who, I was unsure whether or not to invite you." Slughorn gave her what she was sure he thought was a nice smile. "But of course being the daughter of Severus Snape redeemed you."

Lili stared. Even here, even now, she could hear Bellatrix mocking:

"Hold still, Delphi. It's time for Mummy to teach you a lesson."

"Silly, silly girl... You know you're making Mummy very cross."

"Hello, Delphini. Didn't you miss Mummy?"

Harry reached and gripped Lili's hand tight under the table. The tension was thick in the already stuffy air, and they were only saved when the door squeaked open and Ginny arrived. Of course Lili felt bad she was having relationship problems with Dean (again), but she also couldn't be more grateful for providing a distraction. Soon, and yet not soon enough, the dinner party was finally over. As Slughorn said his goodbyes at the door, Harry hung back and Lili understood that it was time.

"Thank you, one and all, for a most stimulating evening," the professor was saying, "We'll have to do it again—,"

Lili limped over to Harry to whisper quickly, "I'll wait with you."

Harry's cheeks flushed strangely and his gaze shifted slightly past her face, "Yea, but could you just..."

She arched a brow, "Just... What?"

"Wait outside?"

Lili was shocked, "What?"

"Please."

So, bewildered, Lili did. She shuffled past Slughorn, murmured a short goodbye, and then waited out in the bloody empty corridor. She couldn't believe this. She was so shocked by the situation, she could barely think past her rising frustration until Harry returned. And return, he did. Lili narrowed her eyes at Harry when he finally emerged from Slughorn's office, ten minutes later and clearly unsuccessful.

"What the hell was that?"

He gave a weak shrug.

"What aren't you telling me?" Lili shook her head, couldn't understand, "You agreed to tell me your plans."

"I agreed to tell you about what I used the Felix Felicis for," Harry pointed out a bit stiffly, seemingly still unable to look her in the eye. "I didn't agree to anything else..."

No. Nope, Lili could — not — believe this.

"We tell each other things, we've always told each other things — since the very start. I don't understand, we're supposed to be friends!"

"Then be my friend!" Harry snapped, suddenly furious.

Lili snapped back, just as furious, "How can I when you bloody don't tell me anything, when you break your promises? I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other!"

"Yea, well, that was back when I thought you loved me!"

Lili caught her breath. Harry squeezed his eyes shut.

"F—ck. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You know why we can't... why we can't be together," she whispered, tugging at her sleeve uneasily.

With his eyes still shut, he nodded his head just once and said, "I know. I understand."

"Then tell me: what's going on?"

He blurted, "Dumbledore told me not to tell you."

Lili's jaw dropped. Harry's green eyes finally opened again and they had never once filled her with such confusion before. The girl defensively wrapped her arms across her chest and pressed her fingers into her forearms just to distract herself from the ache growing beneath her sternum.

"What?"

Harry sighed heavily and didn't reply.

Nails digging into her arms, Lili demanded an answer, "He told you to keep this a secret from me, specifically?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry, but I've got to—,"

"What the f—ck is this supposed to mean?"

Harry huffed hard, "I don't know, but he thinks—,"

"What does he think?" Lili challenged furiously, "That I'm turning Dark?"

"Lil—,"

"That I'm somehow disloyal?"

"Just—,"

"That I can't be trusted?!"

Finally, Harry shouted, "Yes!"

Lili recoiled. The tears in her eyes had a heartbeat and she could feel them drumming against her eyelids, banging to be released.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut once more, rapidly shaking his head, "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean that's what I thought, it's just—,"

But the girl was already turning away, numb and cold and full of Darkness.

"Lili, I'm sorry! Lil, please wait—,"

Too ashamed for her tears, Lilium Snape walked away and she didn't look back.

ϟ

Harry showed up at the Snape's the next morning.

Honestly, he wanted to come earlier, to see her and apologise immediately, but he thought she might want some space away from him, and when Hermione found this morning — sleeping on the floor outside the girls' dormitory, she told Lili never came back last night. That meant she could only have gone one place. Hopefully.

So, yea, Harry went to the Snape's.

He was seven knocks in and since no one was answering, he wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon until suddenly the door ripped open and there stood a furious Snape in all his glory glaring down at him. Brilliant.

"Hi." Harry said, more than a bit awkwardly, "Erm, may I see Lili?"

"Oh, Mis—ter Potter," crooned Snape quite nastily, "You'll be lucky if I let you see her ever again."

Harry heaved a weary sigh. So this was how it was going to go, then. He tried anyway, "Can I just come in?"

Snape curled his upper lip in clear disgust before ripping the door (only slightly) wider, and Harry had to squeeze through the space to gain admittance. He stumbled into the sitting room and turned to avoid keeping his back to Snape, just in case the professor got twitchy and felt like hexing him. Snape, piercing black eyes never leaving him, closed the door with a resounding thud and slowly tread closer with slow, steady footsteps.

Bloody hell.

Harry wiped his clammy hands on his jeans.

"I thought I was wrong about you, Potter," said Snape. "Indeed, that I had misjudged your character in place of your father's—,"

"You were wrong," Harry insisted firmly.

"Now," Snape carried on as if he hadn't heard him, "Imagine my greatest regret when my daughter arrived at my door in the middle of the night — in tears, with no explanation — and I find that it is you who has come to no doubt apologise."

Harry sighed again, pinching at his brow, wishing to hell and back he could just talk to Lili.

Apparently breaking eye contact was a mistake because it made the professor snap, "Shall I remind you, Mister Potter, of what I am capable of doing to your miserable existence if you persist in tormenting my family?"

"No, sir." Harry spat through clenched teeth, fighting his rising temper. "You've always made it crystal clear."

"Good," he crisply snarled, "Then get — out."

Snape turned to leave in a swish of robes, and Harry could feel his chance slipping through his desperate fingers.

"I was wrong!" The words were practically shouted at the man's back, but it was enough to make the father pause for a moment. Harry took courage from that and continued, "I was wrong, and I hurt her feelings, and I'm sorry. I just want a chance to tell her that."

Very slowly, Snape swiveled to look back at Harry. The boy held his breath. There was contemplation in the professor's gaze, though he still curled his upper lip in something sort of like disgust. With a low hum, he pressed a finger to his mouth while he gazed at him, as thought he were a particularly interesting bug or potions ingredient or what have you.

Then, Snape snapped, "Fine. She's in her room."

Harry's chest heaved with his relieved sigh and he nodded gratefully, "Thanks."

He'd just turned to go as Snape called sternly, "Fix this mess, Potter, I mean it." His face was screwed up as if in pain and he waved his hand between them, as if that explained everything, "I don't... like... this."

With a small smirk, Harry said, "Yes, sir."

He jogged away before the Great Bat could change his mind, and with a gathering breath for strength, he let his knuckles lightly tap on the wood door of Lili's bedroom. With a quiet murmur, Harry was allowed inside, but he didn't think she knew it was him if the look on her face meant anything. Instantly, Lili rolled up from lying on the bed and sat on the edge, fingers curling into the blankets like it was keeping her grounded.

"Hi."

God, Hermione was right: what an idiot.

Lili arched a brow and replied, "Hi...?"

"I'm sorry," Harry blurted before he could say anything else so entirely stupid. "About what I said. About keeping secrets. About everything."

Lili stared blankly at him for a long, long time, shoulders loosening but her face staying so very guarded.

"I promise," his voice was hoarse, almost pleading, "I—I'll tell you anything — everything — you want to know."

Lili gave him a sad smile that made Harry's chest ache.

"But it's not even about that, Harry. It's the trust. It's stupid," the girl dropped her head between her shoulders, scrubbing hard against her damp cheek, not letting him see her face. "I feel so bloody stupid. My whole life, Sev's told me that you can't trust anyone, but when I met you, Harry, I thought he was wrong because... I don't trust anyone, but I trusted you. I just never realised that you didn't trust me back."

Harry felt hot tears sting at his eyes, and he crossed the few steps that separated them. She tensed and straightened herself up as if to ward him off. He winced while he studied her, the girl he loved more than anyone and anything. Her shoulders were jerking every few seconds as she fought off her tears, shivering like she was cold even with the fire in the hearth blazing.

"Lili," he whispered, halfway begged. "Let me hold you?"

Lili shook her dark head firmly, frowning so deep that it twisted the famous scar on her mouth.

"Please, Lil, I can see you shaking," Harry murmured, moving just another step closer, "Please."

As if all the strength left her, her body sagged forward and he rushed to catch her, on his knees before her bed. He held her tight against him and she wound her arms tight round his neck. She was warm and safe and he loved her.

"I do trust you, I swear." He whispered in her ear, wanting so badly to be believed, "More than anyone and anything. You have to know that I don't agree with Dumbledore; you've always been the person I trust most in the world."

When he pulled back slightly, Harry could see the debate warring on Lili's face, the hesitation brewing in her eyes, and he desperately wanted her to believe him. He purposefully locked gazes with hers and squeezed her hands. He could feel the slightest, softest brush of her mind against his, and when she exhaled, he knew she believed.

"You really mean that... Don't you?"

"I do."

Lili huffed and buried her face in her free hand, groaning before dragging her fingers through her hair. Harry sighed, too, and rose to sit on the bed at her side, still keeping a hold on her right and few—fingered hand. Bloody hell. That was exhausting.

Her voice was barely a whisper: "It's more complicated now, isn't it?"

"Yea."

Harry wasn't exactly sure what this feeling was, but it might've been defeat.

"Being with you, it used to be so easy."

Harry winced and scooted a bit closer so their legs could touch, "Being together isn't the hard part; it's everything and everyone else."

Lili gave him another one of those sad smiles that made him think the world was going to end. He hated it. He tried to save it.

"Lil, I should tell you what Dumbledore said—,"

The girl sighed and waved a dismissive hand, "No, Harry, if he wants you to keep it a secret, then you don't have to—,"

"I want to." Harry insisted, but the follow—through was a bit harder. Where to even start? With a sigh, he scrubbed at his fringe and flattened it against his scar. Then he began with a simple question, "Did you know Slughorn taught Tom Riddle?"

Lili's black eyes went shockingly wide and she whipped round to gape at him, "He taught that... that scheming, manipulative, disgusting sh—thead?!"

Harry smirked, just a little, before getting serious again, "Dumbledore thinks Slughorn told young Riddle something that still holds true to this day. He thinks he told him something that he's using against us but maybe we can use to bring him down. We just have to convince Slughorn to tell us, and he's being..."

She arched a brow, "An arse about it?"

Now, he smiled for real. "Yea."

"Hm." She pulled her thighs to her chest and put her chin on her knees, tapping her fingers in clear contemplation. "Oh Merlin... Harry James Potter, we're ejits!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, we're ejits!"

"Speak for yourself!"

Lili leapt up onto the bed and gripped hard to his shoulders, shaking him wildly back and forth, "The d—mn Liquid Luck! Harry Potter, use the Felix Felicis to weasel the truth out of that weasel!"

Harry gasped and jumped up onto the bed with her, shaking her right on back, "Genius! You're a bloody genius, Lilium Salazar Snape!"

Lili laughed with her head thrown back, and Harry couldn't help but grin back at her.

"So." He began and extended his hand, "Friends again?"

She smirked and shook his hand, "Friends always."

It was sad, heartbreaking actually, but Harry would take what he could get.

ϟ

The Great Hall was positively teeming with activity, as it always was on the morning of a Quidditch match. Lili stirred her tea and conjured shapes out of the steam, entertaining Harry and Hermione with rather crude depictions of the Dark Lord receiving a wedgie or picking his nose or something equally deprecating.

She bloody well hoped the Dark Lord managed to Legilimise this particular memory.

Out the corner of her eye, Lili saw Ron shuffling into the Hall, eyes lowered, knuckles taped for Quidditch, flexing his fingers anxiously as he made for their table. He seemed to be continually bombarded by well—wishers and hopeful betters and sniggering nay—sayers. Poor Ron. The redhead averted his eyes and almost ran into Cormac (f—cking Cormac), who eyed him with disdain as he passed. Already looking exhausted, their friend dropped down beside Harry who eyed him knowingly and then pushed over a plate of eggs and rashers. But Ron merely sighed and took a fork, poking at the food glumly.

Merlin. Things had to be really bad if Ron didn't even have an appetite.

"So." Ron grumbled, cheek on his fist, "How was it?"

Hermione continued to read The Prophet, unaware of Ron's mood. "How was what?

With mock refinement, Ron answered, "Your dinner party."

"Painfully boring," Lili grumbled back before Hermione added with a smirk, "Though I think Harry and Lili rather enjoyed their own personal after—party."

Lili and Harry flushed bright pink and scowled at Hermione who simply smiled faintly from behind The Daily Prophet.

"Ol' Sluggy's having a Christmas do, you know," Lili's best friend began again a few moments later, sounding forcibly casual, "And we're meant to bring someone..."

"I expect you'll be going with McLaggen," Ron interrupted snidely, apparently not noticing Lili's wince and warning expression. He went on, "Isn't he a member of the Slug Club?"

"Actually, I was going to ask you."

Ron blinked, "Really?"

"Really." Hermione snipped, making Lili's wince worsen. "But seeing as you have such a distaste for the idea—,"

Lavender appeared out of bloody nowhere to gush, "Good luck today, Ron! I know you'll be brilliant!"

Ron smiled feebly and glanced back down at his plate. Hermione stared daggers, and Lili exchanged a knowing yet pained look with Harry.

As soon as the girls' giggling dormmate was gone, Ron blurted desperately, "I'm resigning. After today's match. McLaggen can have my spot."

Hermione looked wide—eyed, and Lili pressed her lips in sympathy.

"Have it your way." Harry shrugged indifferently before reaching towards a clay jug, "Juice?"

Lili blinked, surprised by Harry's uncharacteristic callousness. Ron looked surprised as well and mildly put out. As the Potter boy poured a cup, Luna arrived at the table wearing a massive head—dress that bore an uncanny resemblance to a real lion. Lili grinned.

"Hello, everyone," Luna chimed airily, pointing a bit needlessly at her head—dress, "Did you notice I'm supporting Gryffindor?"

Then, with a tap of her wand, the lion's mouth opened and bellowed a deep and very realistic roar. Hermione cringed at the loud noise while three Hufflepuffs from the next table jumped a foot. For their part, Ron looked mildly unsure how to react and Harry beamed with approval.

Lili grinned with a gleam in her eyes, "That's brill, Luna. You'll have to tell me where you got that. The twin's will be dead jealous."

"Oh, of course." The blonde girl chimed her agreement before cocking her head at the redhead, "You look dreadful, Ron."

Lili smirked at her accidental brutality while Ron grimly nodded and lifted his glass to drink.

Curiously, Luna turned to Harry to ask, "Is that why you just put something in his cup? Is it a tonic?"

Lili's eyes darted, and she gasped softly at the tiny vial of Felix Felicis glinting in Harry's hand. But wait, wasn't he saving it for...?

Hermione gasped, "Don't drink that, Ron!"

But Ron was frozen in mid—sip, his eyes darting to Harry's palm too. Then, without another second of hesitation, he quickly gulped down the rest. No, no, Lili was not convinced, Harry had a plan here.

"You could be expelled for that," Hermione hissed.

"Dunno what you're talking about." Harry replied guilessly and pocketed the vial.

Ron eagerly leapt to his feet, all traces of fear completely gone, "C'mon, Harry. We've got a game to win."

Lili narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Harry who gave her a clever wink and trotted off.

Very suspicious.

Less than an hour later, the Snape girl sat with Hermione during the match, black eyes locked on the Quaffle as it rocketed into the air. Instantly, Slytherin snatched the Quaffle and rushed as an entire squadron toward Gryffindor's end of the pitch, weaving and dodging with wicked skill, until finally viciously blasting the Quaffle towards the goal. Just when it appeared it would clear the hoop, Ron streaked out of nowhere and sent the Quaffle screaming in the opposite direction.

"Holy Merlin." The girl's eyes went wide, "That 'Felix Felicis' did a number on him."

Just then, LIli glanced up at Harry who was circling high above. As Ginny scored a goal and the crowd screamed, Harry eyed the Gryffindor section where Luna's lion hat roared and Lavender clapped giddily for Ron. Hermione, albeit begrudgingly, began to clap too for Ron's good fortune. And at her side, Lili wore a growing smirk and arched a pointed brow.

Harry grinned down at her and smoothly jetted off.

Once the match was won (by Gryffindor of course), they took the party to the common room.

It felt a bit like being in a mosh pit. Or a riot. And Ron was right smack in the middle of it as everyone cheered his last name. Harry took his own backslaps from amongst the crowd, standing with Lili and Hermione, smiling as he sipped a butterbeer and enjoyed Ron's turn in the spotlight. Lili loved — no, liked — that about him.

"Ron seems to be enjoying himself," Lili mused, smirking at their redheaded mate.

"Yep." Harry beamed, "Apparently it's his lucky day."

Though she was smiling, Hermione still scolded, "You really shouldn't have done it, Harry."

"Yea," acknowledged Harry, hands slipping into his pockets, "I suppose I could've just used, I dunno... a Confundus Charm?"

Lili's eyes widened and scoffed teasingly, acting utterly scandalised, "Confundus, 'Mione? Really?"

Her best friend blushed, obviously caught. "That was different; tell her, Harry." When he didn't, she insisted a bit higher—pitched, "It was just try—outs. This was an actual match—,"

"Oh, but he didn't really do it," Lili cut in with a knowing glint in her eye, "Did you, Harry?"

Harry grinned and then dangled the vial before their eyes. The sealing wax was unbroken, the bottle still filled to the top. Oh, how bloody brilliant on him.

"You didn't put it in?" As he shook his head, Hermione pressed, "Ron only thought you did?"

Proud, Harry nodded. Lili laughed when Hermione popped him playfully on the arm, but suddenly the trio jumped at the sound of whistles and catcalls.

Lili's heart dropped to her stomach when they turned to follow the commotion and found, on a table in the center of the room, Ron and Lavender. Wrapped up in one another, mouths pressed, kissing like it was the end of the world.

"Oh no..."

It was extremely difficult to be happy for Ron and mad for Hermione at the same time. Both Lili and Harry whipped round to find Hermione, with her eyes full of tears, turning round and quickly bumping her way through the crowd. Lili sighed and prepared to follow when Harry suddenly grabbed her arm.

"I'll talk to her..." She opened her mouth to argue, but he beat her to it, hoarsely adding, "If anyone understands this, I do."

Harry gave Lili such a look, something so heartbreaking, that she couldn't dare speak. She nodded jerkily and watched while he followed Hermione out the portrait hole. The commotion of the party became a distant hum, and every other person in the room felt miles and miles away.

Numbly, she stumbled and pushed through the pulsing crowd to get to her dormitory where the silence was even worse than the noise. She pressed her sweaty palms against the window by her bed and gazed out into the darkness, the scars on her heart and body stinging, tears trailing down her cheeks.

It was wrong, it was all so f—cking wrong.

ϟ

Leaving behind the roar of the House party, Harry found Hermione on the tower staircase. She was sitting into a small huddle on the bottom step, a small ring of twittering birds circling her head. He watched curiously as the birds changed colour while they orbited, from sunny yellow to a dark and angry scarlet. Harry understood the mood shift well enough.

His friend sniffed at his arrival, hastily wiping at her glistening eyes, "Charm spell. Just practising."

"Ah. Well..." He offered quietly, "They're really good."

Hermione nodded miserably. Harry frowned and eased onto the step at her side, tucking his legs close to his chest. He made sure to sit close to her, hoping just his proximity would comfort her somehow. They watched out at the still night beyond the open window where the moon was big and sad. The wind was frigid on their faces, even more so now that they were a bit damp with tears.

After a while, Hermione croaked, "How does it feel, Harry?"

Harry glanced at her, uncertain, hesitant.

"When the person you love doesn't want to be with you?"

Despite himself, he flinched at the word 'love' and opened his mouth to whisper, "H—How—?"

"I know you love her, Harry. You're both my best friends. I see how you look at her."

Harry didn't get a chance to respond.

Just then the door bursted wide, and with it Ron came stumbling in with a wildly laughing Lavender pulling him by the hand. At the sight of Harry and Hermione, they skidded to a stop. Red—cheeked. Still grinning like idiots. God, could this get any worse?

"Oops." Lavender actually simpered (which always made Harry's hackles rise), clutching tighter to his best mate's arm, "I think this room's taken."

As the girl tried and failed to tug Ron towards the door, their mate slowed and asked far too casually, "What's with the birds?"

Before Harry could reply, Hermione rose very stoically and aimed her wand with a whispered, "Oppugno!"

Instantly, the birds began to spiral into position and then raced like angry red bullets towards a very wide—eyed Ron, who stumbled and then fled, just barely managing to dodge as they collided into the wall. The birds exploded softly into small feather clouds, and with a confused and dirty look, Ron turned and stalked away.

Dragging in a soft gasp, Hermione covered her face and dropped back to the step with a sob. Harry eyed her gently and then draped his arm over her shaking shoulders. As she turned her damp face into his chest, he tugged her that much closer and watched as, across the room, the last scarlet feather drifted to the floor, joining the pool already there.

Softly, so softly, Harry croaked back, "It feels like this."

ϟ

Lili's shadow followed her like an evil spirit as she and her father crossed the grounds outside Malfoy Manor.

This was Lili's first ever revel, and she hated it already. The celebration of the most recent Muggle massacre in Glasgow was in full swing when they arrived. They weren't late, not hardly, but it didn't matter — it wasn't as if their absence had been noticed. Everyone was far too entertained with their own cruelty and self—celebration. Lili stayed close to Severus' dark side, hearing the unmistakable sounds of drunken celebration before they had even reached the manor proper.

Inside, it felt like the inner circle of hell from Dante's Inferno.

The manor was thrumming with Death Eaters in all states of inebriation.

Firewhiskey flowed over their twisting bodies, rutting against one another, still covered in blood from their most recent raid. They screeched and shouted — like they were the animals, cackling and boasting about their latest victims. Lili did her best to forget the details of gore and violence as soon as she heard them. Severus didn't speak a word, face impassive to every bloody thing.

The stench of perfume and liquor and blood burnt at her nose, making her black eyes water. There were dirty plates scattered on the steps and floor, wine—stained flutes, wooden boards where cheese rinds lay, knives, sausages, empty bread baskets. Several house elves were fearfully clearing all this away.

Lili followed her father through the writhing bodies, pushing through the thick crowd, holding her breath as if it could make her disappear somehow. When she passed, a few of the men whistled. Lili almost shrieked when one of them tried to lift her robes with the tip of his wand. Instead, she whacked aside his wand and kicked her foot straight into his bollocks. The man cried out and stumbled back, only for Severus to catch him by the lapels and drag him upward so he could hiss in his ear.

"I'll curse your filthy fingers off if you dare touch her again." Severus' face was pale with rage, shoving him away by his wand hand, "Every one of them, and your tongue too because I'm feeling so generous."

The man — Rowle, she thought was his name — groaned drunkenly and left her alone.

F—cking good.

Severus led her to a place where they could skulk alone and in the shadows, and the girl watched numbly while he poured two tall glasses of swirling amber. It should surprise her that her father was providing her with alcohol, but it didn't really. They both needed it at a time like this. Lili stared at the thick glass now extended in her direction. It wasn't her first time drinking Firewhiskey; it was the second time, in fact. It burnt worse this time, when it went down.

Lili turned at the sound of the heavy doors creaking and saw the Dark Lord appear between the silver columns. A good half—dozen of his Death Eaters were following him, like crows following a snake. Their steps seemed to echo all the way up to the ceiling.

Lili reached for his hand.

Severus squeezed hers tightly.

There were many vying for the Dark Lord's attention tonight, and thus the father and daughter were able to stay off his radar, at least for a little while. But he found them soon enough, practically cornering them on the far side of the room.

"Ah, the Snape's, so glad you could join us." The Dark Lord's hissing voice echoed in her ears, although he kept it lowered. "You do not wish to join in the festivities, Severus?"

"Unfortunately," Severus quirked a brow, as if sharing a joke between old friends (Lili wanted to shudder at the familiarity), "Joining in the festivities does not quite suit my personality."

The Dark Lord smirked in indulgent amusement, "Hm. And you, Delphi? What is your excuse, my pet?"

"Well. It's a school night, my Lord."

The Dark Lord cackled. Severus smirked. Lili tried not to cringe.

"Poor Delphini, what a sacrifice she has made for me." Their Master's voice was a mocking croon that made her skin crawl, especially as he petted her head, "Always so loyal, so eager to serve. Practically salivating at the chance; it must run in the family."

Lili wanted to scream. She wanted to explode. She wanted to let her magic burst free and burn this entire hellscape down. Instead, she simply stood there and nodded. Their Master's mouth curled while he took in the scene of his celebrating followers. She couldn't tell if it was in approval or disgust. It likely wouldn't matter. Someone would end up writhing under the power of his yew wand tonight.

"Every day we are closer to bringing Harry Potter to his end, as we have from the very start. Then again, perhaps we have you to thank for that, Severus."

The Dark Lord must have seen Lili's flicker of surprise before she'd a chance to bury it.

"Oh, haven't you told her, Severus? It's a very good story, pet. It might entertain you to hear. Would you like to tell it, Severus, or shall I?"

Severus didn't say anything, knuckles turning white from his grip on his glass, a slight flinch to his overly stiff body.

Lili found herself holding her breath.

"It began in a pub, a filthy rundown place, on a cold, sixteen years ago. On that cold, wet night, Albus Dumbledore was found at his brother's establishment, attempting to fill a Divination post, when Sybill Trelawney breathed to life a prophecy that would change the course of wizarding history — speaking of a boy born at the end of July who would have the power to defeat me — the greatest sorcerer in the world."

The Dark Lord cackled at that, as if bemused, before he darted a slit—shaped pupil upon Lili's father.

"But it wasn't just Albus Dumbledore who heard the prophecy that night, was it, Severus?"

It was over. Lili couldn't keep from glancing at him anymore. And to her shock, Severus was looking straight back at her. There was something questioning in the girl's gaze, something desperate that pleaded for him to say this wasn't true, to explain that this was all a deception meant to confuse and trick and manipulate. But nothing in his suddenly open face reflected that. His face was pale and bloodless, lips pressed, black eyes shining with... with... shame, yes, but also confirmation.

What the Dark Lord said was true. All of it.

"Severus reported the prophecy to me as soon as he was able, elated to prove his devotion to myself. And of course I rewarded him..." The Dark Lord's almost invisible lisp twisted into a gleeful and utterly cruel smirk, "By killing James Potter where he stood. He hated the man, you know. Oh, how Severus boasted for days at his part in leading me straight to that despicable James Potter."

Lili thought she might be sick all over the edge of the Dark Lord's robes.

"Soon, you shall do me the same service, my pet, and lead Harry Potter straight to me."

He stroked a cold, scaly hand over her cheek with such disgusting tenderness.

"It would be my honour..." Lili tried to make her voice sound bold and unafraid, but she knew she hadn't succeeded. The sobs in her throat would only let a whisper emerge. "My Lord."

They didn't stay at the revel for more than ten minutes after that. They had paid their dues, seen the Dark Lord, expressed their loyalty to him as demanded. Then, they Apparated back to the wards of Hogwarts and marched across the school grounds, through the castle, and deep into the dungeons where a familiar door awaited.

The moment she tumbled into their chambers, Lili spun round and demanded of her father: "How could you not tell us?!"

Severus' dark eyes were locked on her face. His face was still bloodless, but his lips were somehow even whiter than his face. Her father had less control over his expression than she'd ever seen. It was slipping all over the place, looking guilty and angry and sorrowful and desperate all at once. The truth was laid plain for all to see; something he could not deny or hide, something he could not take back.

The truth was this: her father had made a choice more than sixteen years ago that had ruined the life of the boy she loved.

And then, he had boasted about it.

"Lilium. There were," Severus' voice was horse and very quiet, "Many factors that played a part in—,"

Lili couldn't help but shout, "The Potter's are dead, and you were one of the d—mn factors, Sev!"

"What?"

Lili gasped when she whirled round, and Severus jerked in surprise at the sight of none other than Harry Potter shakily standing from his usual spot on the sofa. Lili shuddered at the sight of him and gritted her teeth to ward off the instant tears she felt pricking at her eyes.

Softly, she said, "Oh f—ck, Harry..."

"What..." Severus's words were stilted, "Are you doing here?"

"I... was waiting for you, to make sure you both were all right."

Harry's hands were clenched into fists on either side of him, his jaw locked and gaze stuck on Severus who stood so very still, as if afraid to give them a moving target, as if he thought even the slightest motion would set off the bomb.

"Harry." Lili's father began very slowly, sounding out of breath, though he hadn't moved an inch. "You must understand... I would have never knowingly put your mother in danger."

"Knowingly," Harry croaked his repetition.

Lili squeezed her eyes shut, tears slipping loose against her will. Bile rose in her throat. She so badly wanted to grab Harry's hand and run out of the room before Severus could say another word. But the endless wordlessness was beginning to take its toll, and the tension was rising higher and higher until they could barely breathe through the choked air.

"Sev." Lili's voice shook when she asked him, "Aren't you going to say something?"

Severus didn't speak or move or even seem to breathe. He kept his gaze aimed down at nothing at all.

"Say something!" Harry burst, voice ringing out in the sitting room, pain giving way to anger.

Severus actually flinched. Lili had only ever seen her father like this one other time — when he told her the reasons for her birth. It felt just like it did now. She could barely bear to listen when he finally began.

"As a young Death Eater, I was considered low—born and thus was given mainly grunt work — aside from my skills with potions. Thus, I was instructed to spy on the Headmaster. And I did my job dutifully, followed him around like a dog, pathetic." Severus spat out the words with such vile disgust, shoulders heaving as if he'd just run a marathon. "I didn't often hear much that impressed the Dark Lord, not until..."

Severus' lips twisted to the side and he quickly shut his eyes, shaking his head slightly as if warding off a blow. Then, all at once, he opened his eyes, raised his chin, and looked Harry straight in the eye to confess:

"It was I who overheard Sybill Trelawney's prophecy."

Silence.

Dreadful, awful silence.

"Oh my God..."

Harry sounded sick, like he might vomit at any moment. Lili felt much the same.

"I heard only half of it, before Aberforth tossed me out. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies."

"You..." Harry repeated softly, voice scratchy as it repeated with horror, "You told him? You're the one who gave him the prophecy?!"

Lili dragged her shaking fingers through her mussed hair, blinking hard with lashes thick with tears.

Severus gave a very slow nod. "Yes. I knew it spoke of a child, but I didn't know who and I didn't care. The Dark Lord was so pleased with me, and I was fully indoctrinated into his most inner circle that night. I was f—cking proud of myself. So f—cking proud."

"Are you f—cking proud now?!" Harry shouted, sounding hoarse and slightly hysterical.

"No. No, it is my deepest regret and greatest shame."

"Is it?! You're the reason he went after them! You told him the prophecy, and that's why he killed them!"

"Of course it is!" Severus shouted back, two splotches of colour appearing on his cheeks, "The half—heard prophecy I gave to the Dark Lord resulted in the death of my dearest friend! Don't you think I'm sorry for that?"

"I don't know if you're sorry!" Harry cried, "I don't think I know you at all!"

It was all falling apart. Or had it ever been whole in the first place?

Severus' hands were trembling when they folded together in front of himself. Lili could see him straining to keep his voice steady when he confessed, he couldn't stop confessing. "When I found out that it could mean Lily, I... I stayed behind and begged the Dark Lord to spare her.'

Spare her. Not Harry, not James. Just Lily. Oh Merlin.

"But I had long since lost faith in his words so I went to the Headmaster and pleaded for him to save Lily. He agreed... in exchange for my services as a double agent."

Harry gasped for breath as if his lungs were choking him and his green eyes sparkled with tears beneath his glasses. Lili wanted to go to him, to comfort him, to hold him, but how could she? This was their legacy, their origins, and Lili was as tainted by it as Harry was.

Then: "He wasn't going to kill her."

It was a distant whisper, barely a breath of air that left Harry's mouth. It stole the air from the room, and everyone was left to suffocate.

Lili managed to find her voice first, whispering, "What, Harry?"

Severus' eyes had sharpened to razor blade points, narrowing in on the boy's sickened face.

"When a Dementor comes, I hear my mum — screaming as Riddle kills her." While Severus sucked in a harsh breath, Harry scrunched his face and shook his head, "It's a memory, I think, and he kept telling her to stand aside to get to me. That he'd spare her instead, like you wanted. But she didn't. You've always known that she only died because she was trying to protect me."

Lili tried to step in, tried to take his hand, tried to comfort him in some way, any way, "Harry—,"

The boy's lost tone twisted and turned to an accusation, "That's why you hated me, isn't it? Because she died and I didn't? Maybe, the only thing you really did was trade our places. Maybe, you should've just stayed a Death Eater and not bothered to warn Dumbledore. Maybe then, I'd be dead and she'd be alive. I bet that's what you want, isn't it?"

Severus' eyes narrowed nearly down to slits, "Harry, I—,"

"No, shut up!" Harry suddenly roared, face red and tears dripping, "Just— shut up! I'm done. Don't talk to me — not ever again."

"Harry, wait," Lili tried, but Harry was gone, slamming the door shut behind him.

ϟ

At this time of night, the Astronomy Tower would be silent and empty, nearly eerie, if it weren't for the boy currently curled into a ball and sobbing his heart out into his hands. Harry had come because he thought no one would look here, and he was right. He wanted to scream; he wanted to get this anger out and let it breathe. He'd not cried in an age, maybe not since Sirius, and before then — not since he was only little, at the Dursley's when he was hungry and lonesome, receiving slaps and insults instead of love and support.

He cried now.

There was shame in this; in the way his chest ached and his lips quivered, in the way he sobbed even though he wasn't in physical pain. Still, he couldn't get himself to stop. He was unable to stop himself from dragging his hands through his hair and yanking on the ends, hating himself for these tears, for these gut—wrenching sobs.

It was pathetic. It was stupid.

How stupid did Harry have to be to trust Snape? Snape?! That lying, cruel, backstabbing b—stard! God, he'd even started to think... to think of him like... like family.

But Harry couldn't be a part of his family, not ever, because Snape had killed his.

ANNIE SPEAKS

ϟ

trouble in paradise!! troubles between hermione and ron. troubles between lili and harry. troubles between harry and snape. i hate it, but it's necessary... for plot reasons. i still hate it though. also, death eaters are gross and disgusting, and i always feel like i need to take a shower after. ew. also, i'm sorry but harry HAD to find out about snape's role in the potters' death bc the books didn't really deal with it so now our poor little family unit has to do it instead...

yaaay.

also, sorry i haven't been super on top of responding to comments - i've been soooo busy, but i shall do my best to respond asap!!

leave your thoughts???

also, next chapter: jealoussssssyyyyy

CHAPTER FIFTY—EIGHT :

Harry had a date to Slughorn's party.

He had a date to the party!

When she told him to start looking round for someone else to date those months and months ago, Lili hadn't actually wanted him to. But since things were so fraught between them at the moment (what with Snape and their entire bloody lives), it made sense if he thought they needed distance from one another. And she was wrong to be jealous, wasn't she? She told him she didn't want to be in a relationship with him. She couldn't have it both ways.

Still.

He had a date to the bloody party!

my meme for this chapter:

goodbye found family, it was nice knowing ya...