ACT THREE, chapter forty :
i can't afford to love someone
who isn't dying by mistake

ϟ

The train ride had been full of discomfort.

Harry had been declared innocent of all charges, as Severus assured he would, but that hadn't lifted his spirits. Even when they got to Platform 9¾ (which never failed to bolster his spirits every year before), Harry was still so far out of it. With Hermione and Ron busy with prefect duties, Lili pretended to sketch while watching Harry stare off into space with a strange look in his eyes, rolling his neck and shifting somewhat. It worried her. It worried her so much that she found herself gently brushing back his hair and pressing a kiss to his scar. An out of body experience, surely.

They were both so shocked by her action that they could barely look at each other without blushing for the rest of the train ride.

Lili's concern for Harry only grew when they came across Draco, the blond prat calling: "I'm surprised the Ministry's still letting you walk around free. Better enjoy it while you can. I expect there's a cell in Azkaban with your name on it—,"

And then, all of a sudden, Harry suddenly lunged for Draco, looking ready to pull his head from his shoulders. While Hermione clutched at her arm, Lili flinched in surprise and Ron only barely managed to hold Harry back, quickly grabbing at his forearms

"What'd I tell you?" Draco sneered, hurrying away with his two goons, "Complete nutter!"

Harry roared, "Just stay away from me!"

"It's only Malfoy..." Ron was still pulling him back. "What'd you expect?"

Lili and Hermione shared a weary glance.

It felt like everyone was walking on dragon eggshells, cautious and quiet, especially when Harry apparently noticed the Thestrals pulling the carriages. Invisible horse—like creatures, visible only to those who have witnessed death... Cedric. Lili's heart pounded, the name like a chant in her tainted mind: Cedric Diggory, Cedric Diggory, Cedric Diggory, Cedric—

"You're not going mad; I can see them too," called a light airy voice, speaking to Harry, "You're just as sane as I am."

Eyes quickly following the voice, Lili looked up and gasped far louder than she meant to, completely disregarding that the girl had dirigible—plum earrings and that she was reading a magazine upside down.

"You're here!" Lili was whispering in half—awe, half—relief while climbing into the carriage. Honestly, she'd started to wonder if she would ever see that odd blonde girl she liked so much ever again. "I can't believe it..."

The girl smiled, "Hullo, Lilium Snape."

"Hello, uhm... I never did catch your name?"

Climbing into the carriage to be at Lili's side, Hermione straightened to attention, "Everyone, this is Loony Love—," she immediately stopped.

Lili winced audibly, face scrunching, "Ooh."

Hermione's cheeks flushed bright pink with embarrassing realisation, but she hurriedly finished, "Luna Lovegood..."

It was painfully awkward. Everyone exchanged tense glances. The girl didn't seem to mind too much, though. All the same, Lili decided to step in.

"So," she began determinedly. "That's your name: Luna."

The girl — Luna, apparently — smiled rather vaguely.

Feeling bad and wanting to be nice, Hermione blurted, "What an interesting necklace."

Lili looked. It was an interesting necklace, made solely of butterbeer caps. Hm.

"It's a charm, actually." Luna replied dreamily, leaning closer to confide, "Keeps away the Nargles... Actually, I made one for you too, Lilium!"

"Did you? Well. Thank you." Lili put it over her neck and let it rest over her chest, "It's lovely. Uhm, truly."

Hermione and Ron side—eyed her. Harry blinked. Neville looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Hungry," Luna randomly announced, staring off into the distance. "I hope there's pudding."

How wonderfully odd. Lili smirked.

"What's a Nargle?" Ron whispered before Hermione whispered back, "No idea."

The Welcoming Feast went much the same as usual, except for the Hat's mildly frightening song going on about Hogwarts being in danger and that it might crumble from within if everyone didn't unite together. Honestly. What the hell? As if they didn't have enough problems...

Seeing Fred and George in their element again was, of course, brill. Suddenly appearing on either side of her, the twins swiftly lifted Lili off her feet between them, shouting and cheering and squeezing her tight in greeting.

"Put me down this instant!"

"No can—,"

"—No how."

"You bloody ejits, I adore you and you must stop," she shoved them both off, smirking slightly, "It's only been a few hours since you last saw me, what's going on now?"

"Didn't get the chance to discuss it at you—know—where! But now it's time!"

"Time for what?"

"To sample the merchandise, of course!" George rolled his eyes like it was obvious while Fred shoved a brightly coloured box in her face, saying, "We're calling it Sugar Hexes, isn't it brilliant?"

"Completely," Lili eyed it appreciatively, leaning to give Harry a better look over her shoulder.

"Oi!" Ron interrupted, outraged, "Why's Lili get to have free products? You said I wasn't allowed a preview!"

"Maybe it's just because—,"

"—We like her better—,"

"—Tough luck, Ronniekins."

Poor Ron. Lili patted his shoulder while he grumbled into his next forkful of his meat pie.

After the Sorting Ceremony, the eating part of the Feast officially commenced.

Not much had changed since the summer in that Lili still had no appetite. But Harry was watching, and so were Hermione and Ron, so she had to at least try. Rolling her eyes at the twins, she reached for a small scoop of potatoes and noticed Seamus staring Harry from across the table, with what Lili almost thought was hostility before he noticed her gaze and turned swiftly away. That was... odd.

Might've been nothing.

Might've read it wrong.

Shaking it off, Lili spotted Luna at the Ravenclaw table, happily helping herself to some pudding. Then, sitting beside her was Cho Chang, and when their eyes met, Lili swiftly looked away. No. No, she could not think of that.

All dinner long, she'd been doing her best to avoid so much as glancing at the Hufflepuff table. She couldn't bear the thought of glancing back and not seeing Cedric shooting her a knowing glance, smiling kindly, giving her a wave like he would've done every day last year... Before he was murdered by Lili's own godfather. It made her sick just thinking of it.

"Good evening, children!" The Headmaster stepped to the front of the dais with a lot less vigour than usual, though still smiling with his arms extended at his sides. "Now, we have two changes in staffing this year. We're pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly—Plank, who'll be taking Care of Magical Creatures while Professor Hagrid is on temporary leave."

There was a round of polite but fairly unenthusiastic applause while the Golden Quartet exchanged confused and even slightly panicked glances. Where was Hagrid? He certainly hadn't mentioned anything to any one of them...

Ignorant (or perhaps ignoring) their distress, Dumbledore continued, "We also wish to welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... Professor Dolores Umbridge."

Lili didn't bother to so much as glance at the woman; another year, another new DADA professor who would ultimately try to kill them in some way or another.

At this point, it was getting rather predictable.

"And I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing the professor good luck." The Headmaster concluded the introductions, "Now, as usual—,"

Harry let out a faint gasp that drew her attention. Lili's eyes were quick to follow his, finally deigning to look at their new professor. The woman, Umbridge apparently, was a squat little woman with mousy hair, dressed head—to—toe in some horrid pink colour that literally made Lili's eyes water. Her face was just as pink and unpleasant, with pouchy little eyes and a rather toad—like face.

"She was at my hearing," Harry murmured, with obvious dislike, "She works for Fudge."

"Fudge?" Lili repeated with a deep frown. "What the hell is she doing here, then?"

"Dunno..."

Hermione scanned the staff table, with soft brown eyes narrowed. "No, surely not," she muttered before looking sharply at her best friend, "Lili, you don't think...?"

"Nothing would surprise me anymore," she hissed back, teeth gritted. "Hell, it almost makes sense."

Harry was giving them a peculiar look, "What are you two—?"

He didn't get a chance to finish because:

"Hem, hem."

It was Umbridge, who Lili was already starting to dislike with a passion. Everyone in the Great Hall turned to look at her in surprise; the students, the professors, even the Headmaster. Because she interrupted Dumbledore. The b—tch.

"Thank you, Headmaster, for those kind words of welcome." The Ministry lady slowly stepped round the head table with a strange smile on her face, moving centerstage to outshine Dumbledore and address all the students, "And how lovely to see all your bright... happy faces smiling up at me."

Everyone — literally everyone — seemed to glare at her.

In a disgustingly high—pitch voice, she simpered, "I'm sure we're all going to be very good friends."

Together, the Weasley twins mused, "That's likely."

Lili had to agree.

"The Ministry of Magic has always considered... the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance."

Lili's eyes darted to the staff where Snape looked ready to poison her tea and McGonagall had pinched her lips in ready distaste. At least they all agreed, then.

"Although each Headmaster has brought something new to this historic school, progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged. Let us preserve what must be preserved, perfect what can be perfected, and prune practices that ought to be prohibited."

Lili could only blink wide eyes. Was she really just insinuating...?

After a beat, Dumbledore and the staff clapped, though several of the professors brought their hands together only once or twice before stopping. Lili smirked at that, even as she refused to join the few students that followed their lead.

"Thank you," said the Headmaster after a moment, rather stiffly, "Professor Umbridge. That really was most illuminating."

"Illuminating?" Ron muttered in disgust, "What a load of waffle. What's it mean?"

Lili and Hermione exchanged a knowing glance, worry already taking over.

"It means the Ministry's interfering in our education," Hermione started with a frown.

"It means," Lili added darkly, "That Dumbledore is already losing control of Hogwarts."

ϟ

The Gryffindor common room was rife with tension.

Lili sensed it as soon as she passed through the Fat Lady's portrait, sucking out all the air in the usually comfortable safe haven. Brill. Harry was just ahead of her, and she didn't like all the looks he was receiving from their would—be 'friends'. It made Lili want to spontaneously combust, really. And hex them a little bit, too.

"Dean, Seamus." Harry greeted, almost to the boys' dormitory, sounding awkward. "Good holiday?"

"All right," Dean murmured, clearly uncomfortable. "Better than Seamus', anyway."

Following the obvious question on Harry's face, Seamus stood to answer, "Me mum didn't want me to come back this year."

Oh, she so didn't read Seamus' expression wrong in the Great Hall.

Holding himself rigidly, her friend seemed to force himself to ask, "Why not?"

"Let me see..." Seamus hummed in mock thought before blurting, "Because of you! The Daily Prophet's been saying a lot of things about you and Dumbledore."

"What, your mum believes them?"

"Nobody was there the night Cedric died."

Lili flinched at the memory, even at the mere mention of the Hufflepuff boy.

Harry's green eyes narrowed when he hissed, "I guess you should read The Prophet, then, like your stupid mother."

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that!"

"I'll have a go at anyone that calls me a liar," Harry countered furiously.

When the other boy opened his mouth to respond, Lili cut in with a vicious hiss, "Back — off, Seamus."

Her anger was frightening, startling him and her friends and every—bloody—one into a brief yet dangerous silence.

The fire flared larger in the hearth and in the candelabras.

The wallpaper shriveled, threatened to melt.

The air hummed slightly, making their ears ring.

Ron hurried to join their sides, glancing quickly between the group, "What's going on?"

"They're mad, is what's going on, the pair of them!" Seamus shouted back in outrage, "D'you believe the rubbish Potter's come out with about You Know Who?"

"Yea. I do," with a sharp glance at Lili and Hermione, Ron corrected, "We do." He levelled his fiercest glare at everyone else in the common room. "Has anyone else got a problem with Harry?"

No one dared speak. But they didn't have to, more than enough had already been said. Biting hard into her bottom lip, Lili watched over her shoulder when Harry swiftly turned and jogged up the staircase. Ron lingered for another minute more, glare remaining, before he followed. Hermione and Lili exchanged a worried glance but left the boys to it for now.

In the silence, everyone stared.

After a moment, Seamus stepped toward her with his voice down low, "Come on, Lili."

"Come on... what, Seamus?"

"Come on, you've always been the more realistic one."

In that dry Snape—ish tone, she drawled, "Have I now?"

"Don't be like that. You'd know the truth, after all, 'cause you're... you know..."

Hermione sucked in a sharp breath and Lili bloody dared him to say it, "What am I — exactly, Seamus?"

Finally, with his hands thrown up, Seamus burst, "Everyone says you're bloody Dark, Lili! And we all know it! So if anybody can refute Potter's nonsense, it's you. You know better."

Lili's black eyes narrowed and she stepped oh—so—slowly closer, "Oh, but you're right, Seamus, I do know better... Better than you, and your dear old mummy, and anyone else who dares look at Harry Potter sideways. You want to believe I'm Dark? Fine. Then believe me when I say the Dark f—cking Lord is back."

With that, Lilium S. Snape whirled round in a flash of black robes and stormed up the staircase to the boys' dormitory. She met Ron halfway down the stairwell, head low and shoulders slumped. She didn't think she'd seen her redheaded friend look so dejected, not since the whole fight with Hermione last year. Her heart instantly lurched in her chest, and she took his clammy hand tightly.

"Ron...?"

"You talk to him. Maybe he'll listen to you."

Smiling sadly, she squeezed his hand, "I'll try. Thanks, Ron."

"Yea." His fingers squeezed right on back, and with a flip of his hair, he nodded over his shoulder, "Go on, now. He needs you."

Lili nodded stiff and stern (on a mission), and then continued up the winding staircase to Harry's dorm. She pushed gently into the room and leant on the door to close it behind her, eyeing the Potter boy thoughtfully. He sat on his bed with his back to the door, shoulders completely rigid, head twisting on his neck rather strangely. The motion... something about it worried her.

Quietly, "You shouldn't have shouted at Ron."

A deep shuddering sigh. His shoulders slumped.

"...I know."

"I know you do." She nodded once, letting them both exhale three times before saying, "I won't bother asking if you're all right—,"

"I've told Ron I'm bloody fine!" He snapped so loud that it shocked them both into silence. But barely a moment later, "Sorry, Lil..."

Lili waved the apology off, eyes intent on his flushed face when she dared to step closer, "I know you're not 'bloody fine', so will you tell me what you really are feeling, then, Harry?"

"Nothing. Everything. Ugh." Harry dragged his fingers down his face and peered at her wretchedly, "I mean, I knew people wouldn't believe me, but it's... it's already harder than I thought, Lili. And I hate being here when nobody believes me, doing nothing, when I know he's out there — being bloody Voldemort."

Lili flinched instantly.

"Lili?" Eyes widening, Harry quickly crossed the dorm to take her quivering hands, "Lil, what is it?"

She didn't want to tell him, she didn't want to worry him, but it was Harry. And looking into those green eyes, Merlin, how could she refuse him anything? So, she gave in.

"There's something I need to show you." Biting her lip, Lili shook her head and tugged up the sleeve of her jumper to reveal that detested Dark brand. With a soft sigh, she managed, "Say... Say the Dark Lord's name."

His brow wrinkled, "Why—?"

"Harry. Just trust me."

Hushed now, "Voldemort."

This time, Lili couldn't stifle her gasp when the Dark Mark visibility darkened and then began to writhe on her skin. Harry's gasp followed her own when they watched the muscles beneath her pale flesh jerk and spasm 'til the Mark faded back to its new normal grey—black, lying dormant once more upon her arm.

"Merlin, Lili," Harry's voice shook just slightly, "Did saying his name... did it hurt?"

The girl licked at her lips and roughly tugged the jumper sleeve down once more. Snuffing hard, she said, "My father explained it just so: when his name is spoken in the presence of a Death Eater, the brand reacts with a pain similar to a lesser, more localised Cruciatus. It serves as a reminder to his followers to fear not only the Dark Lord himself, but even the sound of his very name."

"Sadistic, twisted, egotistical b—stard," he spat darkly, anger flaring once more.

"And that's why we have to bring him down," she determined grimly, though she made herself smile. It hurt, sort of, to force it.

"I worry about you," Harry whispered after a moment.

"I worry about you, too," Lili whispered back, meaning it. "Maybe that will go away, once this is all finished?"

The boy snorted, and she was relieved when he seemed more like himself with those sparkling green eyes and that crooked smile. "I doubt it. I do plan to be an Auror, you know."

"I planned on that, too..." Lili's nose scrunched in distaste, and when he gave her a questioning look, she had no choice but to explain, "Honestly, Harry, don't you think you'll be tired of constantly fighting mad criminal wizards by the time this is over?"

And Merlin help them both, Harry sounded utterly sincere when he replied:

"No."

So, Lili could merely sigh and roll her eyes. "Fine. But you've got to vow to stay safe, Harry James Potter. Because I need you, just... just as you need me."

Her cheeks turned bright pink at the admission, and there was no stopping them. His eyes softened brilliantly when his hand slowly raised to trail up her neck to cradle the back of her head, tangling into the thick locks of her hair. She closed her eyes at the tender touch and leant in 'til their foreheads touched.

"Lili? Would you—do you mind if...?"

Lili's breath hitched when she quietly encouraged, "I—If?"

Harry's face filled with determination when he asked, "Can I kiss you, Lili?"

An idiotically soft gasp escaped her beyond all control.

"Yes. Yes, please."

"Thank God."

Though they had kissed twice before, Lili felt intensely nervous, exposed and raw, but she pushed it aside when she tilted onto her tiptoes while he lowered his head and their lips met with that same burst of fireworks. True, the kiss started off a bit cautious and hesitant, neither recalling what it was like to be treated with such tenderness, but they easily slipped into remembrance of what it felt like to be loved.

She kept a hand on his cheek while his came to rest in the small of her back, holding her oh—so—gently. They kissed softly, sweetly, lips moving in a light caress. Lili was shocked at the heat in her blood and the way her lips blazed. She could hardly breathe, could hardly think of anything but the white—hot heat rushing through her. Oh yes, she thought that she could lose herself in this feeling.

Finally, they were forced to pull away for lack of breath, and their foreheads pressed once more as they panted for air. Her blood was thrumming loud in her eardrums, and his breath was hot against her tingling lips, his eyes dark and pupils wide.

"We're doing this." Harry whispered hopefully, "Aren't we?"

"Yes," Lili whispered back, "You and me, we're doing this."

Flowers bloomed in a circle round their feet.

ϟ

Lili needed to speak to Hermione, immediately.

Once she was out of the boys' dormitory, she fairly sprinted down the staircase, dashed through the common room, and ignored the squeaks of Lavender and Parvati when she shoved through the door. The girl skidded to a halt at the end of her best friend's bed, practically humming with excitement, fiddling with her braid, biting her bottom lip.

"So."

With a smile threatening to bloom, Hermione lowered her book and cautiously asked, "So...?"

"So." Lili beamed. "It's official."

Hermione shrieked, threw aside her book (genuinely shocking!), and leapt forward to grasp her hands, "Oh, Lili, I'm so, so happy! God, it's about time, isn't it?!"

"Well. Yes." Lili blushed bright pink, glancing at her feet. "I suppose we rather have been dancing round it, haven't we?"

"Yes! It's been agony having to wait and watch and know that you're meant to be together — ugh, you've no idea!"

"Really? No idea, have I?" Lili arched a brow, "Well, what about you and Ron?"

Her best friend turned bright pink, "Oh, what about me and Ron?

"Well. Harry and I have finally made it. Why can't you two?"

Hermione sadly rolled her eyes, "It's different."

"How?"

"It just is... Oh, I can't explain it. You and Harry have a connection that not many can understand, much less put into words. It's as if your souls understand one another; whatever souls are made of (if they even do exist), yours and Harry's are made of the very same thing. You tried to fight it at first, I know, but anyone could see — you're both in love."

Her eyes went wide and she quickly shook her head, "Oh. No, 'Mione, we haven't... It's not, it's not that."

Hermione's face creased with utter disbelief, "What do you mean? You don't love him?"

"More than anything," Lili answered immediately, her feelings now never in doubt.

Fifteen seemed very old all of a sudden. The truth was: Lilium S. Snape had never been more sure of anything in all her life, even though she had never said she loved anyone in her life. It had always seemed a wild and reckless thing to do, very Gryffindor in retrospect. She had written these three words, once, in a letter to Harry that he never received. Still, now, she wasn't sure she was capable of breathing the words out loud. Much less of hearing them in return.

"But... I could never hope that... that he... that he would ever..."

"Oh, Lili..." Her best friend gently squeezed her hands, eyes full of sadness and sympathy.

"It's all right, Hermione. Really." Lili quickly shook her head as if this would banish both of their sudden sadness. "Harry is so good to me. He always has been. He understands me, and I understand him. But I'd never call it love. We've never brought up that word, and I don't think we ever will."

With a deep sigh, Hermione tugged her close and soon Lili was gathered up safely in her best friend's arms to rest her head on her shoulder. It seemed silly to be distracted with talking boys with her best friend when the Dark Lord was literally walking the earth, but every part of this was wonderfully real and true and actually happy. Lili couldn't not enjoy the moment.

ϟ

Finally, their first Potions class of Fifth Year came along... and ended in disaster.

When it started, everything about it was comforting. After a summer of nightmares, every little bit of familiarity helped. The ominous creak of the dungeon door. The smoky fumes of the previous class' potions. The stack of dirty cauldrons already waiting for some poor soul to scrub them in detention.

The Golden Quartet took their typical seats somewhere in the middle — having decided that the back was unnecessary but the front was still too dangerous. Hermione and Ron were still spatting, but when weren't they, anymore? Anyway, Lili and Harry were of course getting along as usual, smiling and leaning close and whispering under their breaths.

Everything was as it should be.

It all felt like home.

"Settle down," her father's voice echoed coldly, the door shutting solidly behind him.

In truth, Severus — no, Snape — had no reason to really call everyone to order. Snape's mere presence was more than enough to ensure utter silence. No one dared to even fidget. Lili was nearly amused.

"Before we begin today's lesson..." Snape swept behind his large desk and glowered at all of them from across it. "I think it appropriate to remind you that next June you will be sitting an important examination, during which you will prove how much you have learned about the composition and use of magical potions. Moronic though some of this class undoubtedly are, I expect you to scrape an 'Acceptable' in your OWL, or suffer my... displeasure."

His black gaze lingered upon Neville, and her friend gulped hard. Lili frowned slightly.

What was happening right now?

Her father's classes hadn't been this tense in... well, ages.

"After this year, of course, many of you will cease studying with me," Snape went on in that cruel and detached way that used to make even Seventh Years shudder at the thought of his classes. "I take only the very best into my NEWT Potions class, which means that some of us will certainly — be — saying — goodbye."

At this, Snape's gaze darted to Harry while his lip curled. Harry blinked back, darting a confused glance at Lili who honestly felt just as bewildered. Her father ignored this and continued.

"But we have another year to go before that happy moment of farewell," Snape crooned oh—so—softly, "So whether you are intending to attempt NEWT or not, I advise all of you to concentrate your efforts upon maintaining the high—pass level I have come to expect from my OWL students..."

The potion they were instructed to brew today was an OWL level potion: the Draught of Peace.

Lili drew in a soft but sharp breath. She had brewed this one before, a few times she thought, though always with her father's supervision. It was well known amongst potioneers that if one was too heavy—handed with the ingredients, the consumer would fall into a potentially irreversible sleep. Talk about deliciously dangerous. With the instructions on the board and the ingredients in the store cupboard, they had an hour right...

Now.

With her hair clumped in a wild bun on top of her head, Lili got to work. She liked working alone now. She thrived on adding the ingredients in the correct order and precise quantities, stirring the cauldron exactly the right amount of times (firstly in clockwise, then in counterclockwise direction), and lowering the flames 'til her potion was simmering for seven minutes before the syrup of hellebore was added.

With ten minutes to go, a light silver vapour rose from her potion.

Lili grinned to herself. Perfect.

Having been absorbed in her work (like usual), she glanced round the room to see how her classmates were faring. Hermione looked to be doing amazingly as usual, only a few seconds behind Lili in the process. Draco looked to be doing the same. It was her other friends she was worried about. Harry looked to be sweating profusely; his cauldron emitting some dark grey steam. Ron's was spitting green sparks, smelling rather like rotten eggs. Seamus was desperately poking at the flames engulfing his cauldron (good riddance). Neville (and poor Neville) had somehow turned his potion into what was basically cement.

Ah, hell.

Holding her breath, Lili watched Harry jump when Snape suddenly appeared over his cauldron, wearing a terrible smirk. "Potter, do tell me: what is this... supposed to be?"

Everyone froze, and a faint trepidation filled the air from the Gryffindors and the Slytherins. It had been a while since Snape had thoroughly taunted Harry... But he wouldn't start again now. He wouldn't... Would he?

"The Draught of Peace," Harry replied tersely, if a bit uncertainly — chancing a glance at Lili.

"Tell me, Potter," Snape mocked softly, "Can you read?"

Lili's brow furrowed in disbelief, and across the classroom, Draco laughed. Arsehole.

She wanted to hex him; she wanted to hex all of them.

"Yes, I can," Harry hissed, fingers clenching spastically round his holly wand.

"Hm... Then I must insist you use those new glasses of yours and read the third line of the instructions for me, Potter."

Lili watched in rising horror while her father proceeded to humiliate Harry into reading the blackboard out—loud in front of the entire classroom. His cheeks turned redder and redder when he realised where he went wrong, what he had missed. As the Slytherins snickered, the fifteen year old girl thought she might actually sick up right here in the Potions classroom.

Finally, Snape taunted, "Did you do everything on the third line, Potter?"

"No," Harry murmured.

"I beg your pardon?"

"No," the boy repeated, louder and angrier than before. "I forgot the hellebore..."

"I know you did, Potter, which means that this mess is utterly worthless. Evanesco."

Then, with a wave of the professor's ebony wand, the contents of Harry's potion vanished.

Lili's jaw dropped.

Two, even one year ago, Harry might've accepted this. Yea, he would've turned bright red and fumed and resented and hated him. Cursed him out behind his back. Wished all sorts of terrible hexes upon him. But now — now, he knew Snape. He'd spent summers in the man's home and knew what kind of music he liked and how much he hated brussel sprouts, and so Lili couldn't blame him when showed his outrage.

"Why did you do that?! I could've fixed it—!"

"Quiet, Potter."

"—I could've figured out how to fix that! Besides, mine was hardly the worst there was—,"

"Do you dare... argue... with me, Potter?"

"Yea, 'cause you're not being fair—!"

"Enough!" Snape suddenly roared.

Everyone bloody jumped — Gryffindors and Slytherins. Neville was so frightened that he dropped his ladle back in his thick potion, splattering his cement—mixture onto Dean's textbook. Speechless, Lili could only gape, and Harry looked much the same.

"Detention, Mister Potter. Tonight, seven o'clock — sharp."

Her father whirled away in a swoop of robes.

Burning, burning so much, Lili scooped her perfect potion into a flagon, labelled it, and dropped it onto her father's desk with such an attitude that Snape's brows arched. But his lips stayed sealed. And Merlin, that only made her angrier.

As soon as the bell rang, Harry darted out of the dungeon and had already started his lunch by the time Lili and the others managed to catch up to him in the Great Hall. He didn't look up when they entered, instead kept stabbing at his meal as if it was Snape's face rather than shepherd's pie.

"Merlin, I'm sorry, Harry," Lili whispered when she dropped herself at his side, clenching her fist in her cardigan pocket. "I can't believe he did that."

"It wasn't your fault," the boy murmured, rubbing a hand against his scar.

"It was really unfair," Hermione added sympathetically, serving herself some potatoes. "Your potion wasn't nearly as bad as Goyle's, when he put it in his flagon the whole thing shattered and set his robes on fire."

"Yea, well," Harry scowled down at his plate. "Snape never used to be fair to me. Stupid of me to think he'd keep doing any different."

The burning in Lili's chest turned to an inferno. "It doesn't make any bloody sense." She hissed, "He's not been like this in ages, taunting you and that. Hell, he even—,"

"What?" Harry interrupted, obviously dubious, "Likes me? I rather doubt it now, Lil."

"I did think he might be a bit better this year," Hermione murmured gently, eyes darting to her best friend questioningly. "I mean... you know... Now he's in the Order and everything."

Lili had no idea what to say.

"Poisonous toadstools don't change their spots," Ron said with all the wisdom of his fifteen years. "Anyway, I've always thought Dumbledore was cracked trusting Snape, where's the evidence he ever really stopped working for You Know Who?"

Lili flinched, sucking in a sharp breath.

"I think Professor Dumbledore probably has plenty of evidence, even if he doesn't share it with you, Ronald," Hermione snapped defensively, tilting her head purposefully towards Lili.

"Oh, shut up, the pair of you," Harry sighed heavily when Ron opened his mouth to argue back.

Hermione and Ron both froze, looking angry and offended. Lili arched a brow.

"Can't you guys ever give it a rest?" Harry grumbled, "You're always having a go at each other, it's driving me mad."

Abandoning his shepherd's pie, he swung his bag over his shoulder and left them sitting there.

The high ceiling of the Great Hall cast a gloom over them all. Outside, rain lashed wildly against the high windows, and above the clouds had slipped in, thick syrupy clouds, dark and plump. The murky grey made them all look like ghosts. Not humans, but shapes, moving round beneath the lead—coloured clouds.

In his wake, Hermione and Ron looked to Lili for answers.

Lili didn't have any, no, but she soon would.

At seven o'clock — sharp, the fifteen year old stormed into her father's office with fire in her eyes. Striding quickly across the room, she distractedly muttered, "Excuse me, Draco."

"Hello, Lili," her childhood friend smirked kindly, if a bit confusedly.

Her father glanced up with a strange and cautious hopefulness to his eyes, "Pleasant evening, Lilium."

"Oh, don't you 'Pleasant evening, Lilium' me, you addle—minded Machiavellian b—stard!"

Draco's grey eyes went comically wide, slowly trailing from the girl to the professor, "Uhm. Should I leave, sir?"

"It rather sounds like it, Draco," Snape's lips were pursed tight.

As soon as the office door shut behind her scurrying friend, Lili whirled on her father with pure accusation burning in her black eyes, "You humiliated Harry."

And oh—so—dryly, Snape replied, "So I did."

"You vanished his potion."

"I was present at the event."

"You gave him detention!" She wouldn't let up; she was so bloody furious.

"Yes, Lilium, believe me, I am aware."

Lili shouted, "Why?!"

"Because I had to!" Snape finally shouted back.

The girl thought she might spontaneously combust, but before this particularly gory misfortune could take place, her father raised a hand, sighed — quite hard, and said:

"Follow me."

Still contemplating explosion, Lili followed Snape into the classroom where Harry was bent over the sinks, scrubbing at a crusted cauldron from some untalented First Year. Disgusting. The boy looked up as they arrived, first looking surprised and then angry and then confused. He opened his mouth to speak, but with a quick look at Lili's face, he clamped his mouth shut and then fully turned away from the sinks to face the two.

Snape looked between them with a flat expression and spoke with an even flat—er tone, "I believe it is time we had a discussion."

Arching that infamous Snape brow, Lili crossed her arms tightly over her chest while Harry wiped the back of his wrist across his forehead, accidentally smearing something black across his skin. They stood in complete silence for what felt like forever but what could only have been a full sixty seconds.

Then, "Following the Dark Lord's return, and with fellow Death Eaters in constant close proximity... we must admit to ourselves and one another that certain things must evolve."

Lili held herself stiffly before the man, "What things, particularly?"

"Many of which I will not go into now, as I have neither the time nor the inclination to share it. What I must acknowledge is the change in my behaviour towards the students. That being said, P— Harry, there was a reason I was so... harsh with you during class."

"Besides you just being a terrible teacher?" Harry snapped.

Lili winced and put her face in her hand.

"Sorry..." The boy muttered, at least sounding genuine.

Snape's expression didn't change, though his tone was a bit harder. "In the previous years, I have allowed for a certain lax in my behaviour towards the students which is a mistake that I must now rectify."

Lili couldn't breathe.

She really could not bloody breathe.

"In the coming weeks and months, I will be seen to favour the Slytherins — more than I ever have, particularly Purebloods and the children of Death Eaters. I will be what you will perceive as 'cruel' towards many of your acquaintances as well as yourselves, and you will have to react naturally to this in order for it to be believable. I will be the cold and sadistic Potions Master, and you both must be the unwilling and spiteful victims."

So, it would all change. Every single bright, burning piece of their shattered lives. It was over, completely, what little happiness they had created between themselves over summer dinners and homework and chess games. Harry swallowed hard, dropped his head from view, and scrubbed hard at his nose. Lili, honestly, truly, thought she might cry.

The silence lasted longer now. Minutes, hours, maybe days.

Finally...

"That's..." It was Harry who spoke first with a voice that broke, and he sounded halfway strangled when he snapped, "That's bollocks. It's complete, utter sh—t!"

Then he yanked up his bag, rubbed hard at his cheeks, and then, with his hands still dripping with soap, stormed from the room without a backward glance.

"Complete, utter sh—t." Snape spoke into the straining silence, eyes neither on Lilium nor the open door. "Yes... Yes, I am more than certain that your mother would have agreed, Harry."

Lili wiped her tears and left her father to it.

ϟ

"Silly, silly girl... You know you're making Mummy very cross."

Bellatrix slinked toward the cowering child in the cot, silver knife circling in the air as she tried to decide which cruelty to employ first. The skinny toddler was a helpless mouse under the watch of a hungry cat that was her mother.

"Poor baby," she cooed in a cruel way that made the child quiver, "Are you going to cry?"

Silent tears trailed like raindrops down her light—deprived face. The knife spun expertly between Bellatrix's pale fingers; Delphini's frightened black eyes followed the movement unerringly. With the knife in one hand, the woman cupped her daughter's face with the other, fingernails digging into soft skin. A wicked smile stretched across Bellatrix's face.

"You must be quiet now, little girl. We absolutely mustn't interrupt our Lord's speech."

Eyes glowing with sadistic glee, Bellatrix lightly dragged the edge of the sharp blade across Delphini's collarbone, not hard enough to break skin but just enough to watch terror bloom on the baby's face. The little girl knew this song and dance oh—so—well by now. She knew not to move. She knew not to flee. But she couldn't keep herself from whimpering, crying softly, thin chest rattling with fresh sobs.

"You filthy little Half—Blood, you want to cry?" Bellatrix raised the glinting knife over her head and plunged it with a hissed: "I'll make you scream!"

Fifteen years old and safe, safe, safe, Lili bolted upright with a hoarse shriek. In the space of a breath, Harry's arms were already wrapping tightly round her. He hushed her softly, hand trailing up the rigid bumps of her spine, rubbing away the painful trembling. She shuddered, covered in sweat, suddenly freezing when she ground the heels of her hands into her wet eyes.

She was so glad they cast a bloody Privacy Charm on their bed before they went to sleep.

"I was alone with her..." Lili croaked with a shiver, "I was all alone, Harry..."

Harry held her close, carding fingers through her tangled hair, lips pressed against her temple. His hands on her skin was the most comforting thing she'd ever known. The protection that he gave her, the way he took care of her; it all reminded her that she was safe, that she was home.

"You're not alone, I'm here, love," Harry whispered, "I'm here for you."

"I hate her," Lili whimpered through tears, "I hate her..."

ϟ

Talking to a Slytherin was more dangerous than it had ever been.

Especially when they were discussing matters such as this. Lili and Draco had taken to meeting in shadowy alcoves and abandoned corridors and unused classrooms. With the Dark Lord well and truly back, she knew she had to be careful, even with Draco, especially with Draco. Merlin knew she cared for this boy she'd known since she was four years old, but she also knew him. And she knew he was not yet strong or brave enough yet to keep her secrets or break free if the time came.

So, the first thing Lili said to him was this: "Lay off Harry."

And of course Draco decided to taunt, "Oh, has the big brave Chosen One sent you running to defend him?"

"Shut up, Draco. I mean it." The girl was deadly serious. "Back off him."

"My, my, aren't you touchy. Are you and the Boy Wonder finally knocking boots?"

"Oh, how disappointingly crude, Draco." Lili tutted with a confusing mix of amusement and genuine disapproval, "Auntie Cissa would be so displeased."

Draco arched a mocking brow and asked, "Would you prefer another euphemism?"

"I'm not above hexing you, you arsehole."

"Believe me, I am well—aware."

She offered him a tired smirk that he returned. They shared a deep exhale (almost a sigh) and their backs hit the wall so they ducked further into the shadows.

Many Slytherins had returned to school this year looking particularly rough — those with Death Eater parents, that is. Many of them had uncertain home lives on the best of days, but it seemed that their parents had only intensified their training following the return of the Dark Lord.

So, wearily, Lili asked, "How are the others doing?"

He distracted himself by inspecting his nails, "As you would expect."

"Yes."

Terrified. Excited. Confused.

He asked her, "How are you?"

"Much the same."

Terrified. Excited. Confused.

"My parents are thrilled, just as Uncle Sev is. They're constantly at his beck and call, I hardly saw them over the hols. The others report their parents are the same. They're training them to take the Mark."

"Them?" She questioned, voice tight against her will. "Or us?"

Draco gave her a look. Lili didn't push it.

"I'd like to meet up with them," she said, "If you can arrange it. The others, I mean. To talk about having the Mark and that."

The boy arched one regal brow, "What do you mean?"

She hesitated, for only a moment, and then...

"My Mark hurts all the time, Dray," Lili whispered the confession, frightened to be doing so, knowing it wasn't safe. "All the bloody time. It's not like that for Sev. It only hurts when he calls him. But mine, it just... hurts."

He sounded frighteningly excited when he asked, "Have you met him yet?"

"I've not had the privilege," it took everything inside her not to gag on the words. "And you?"

"Not yet. Father says anytime now, though Mother says it will be the summer. I'm not sure... Perhaps that's why your Mark hurts so badly — because you've not gone to him when he's been calling everyone else."

She tensed just slightly, not enough for him to notice. "Sev says I'm to wait until he calls for me specifically. That he's waiting for the proper moment." Then she paused, held her breath, and took a (stupid, risky, Gryffindor) chance, "If it hurts this bloody much, maybe taking the Mark isn't worth it...?"

Draco sucked in a sharp breath, rolling his head to glance carefully round the empty hallway, "Watch what you say where you say it, Lilium."

The girl bit her lip. The boy forged on.

"It is an honour, you know. You understand what it would mean for our families to refuse it? You're lucky you didn't get a choice."

All her caution, all her fear, it went out the window so she could snap:

"No, Draco! I'm not bloody lucky!"

His grey eyes went wide, "Lilium, don't s—,"

Oh, but she wasn't finished just yet, "Because now I'm forever tied to a snake—faced mass murderer and I never got the chance to decide the fate of my soul for myself. Remember that, Draco, remember what's at stake the next time you gush about being branded with the f—cking Dark Mark."

Then, with tears in her eyes, Lili left Draco standing in the dark corridor all alone.

ϟ

A knock on the door surprised Severus.

The Potions Master was in absolutely no mood for visitors and he was fairly certain his snippy tone made clear of that. Then one of the two last (most) people he wanted to see right now stepped through his office door. Harry bloody Potter, the Brat Who Lived To Make Him Guilty as Hell. If the boy was about to guilt him a second time, he had another thing coming.

Instantly, Severus' lip curled, "Potter. "

He knew he had no right to feel so angry, but d—mn it, he felt it just the same.

Potter quietly eased the door shut behind him and leant back against it, a frown wrinkling his brow. Honestly, if the brat wasn't going to say anything... Severus thinned his lips and focused back on his grading, marking up this dunderhead Fourth Year's paper on the Wit—Sharpening Potion with violent red ink. Oh, the irony.

When Potter's gaze truly started to itch, Severus snapped, "If you are only going to waste my time by staring, then I must insist you leave."

His words seemed to spur him onward. D—mn. Finally, the brat pushed off the door and stepped across the classroom. He paused right in front of his desk and fidgeted with his fringe until Severus deigned to meet his blasted green eyes.

"Well?"

"I just wanted to say that... that I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. At first I wanted to be angry with you because it feels like it's taken a long time for us to get here, for you not to be glaring at me and insulting me and acting like a right b—stard to me all the time."

Severus' eyes narrowed dangerously, but Potter gave him a Look. They both knew he was right. So, following a concessional eye roll on his part, the boy continued.

"The fact that you have to go back to it, even if it's just pretend, it... It didn't feel good. But as long as you can swear that it— that you don't mean it, then... Then I can live with it, I guess. So. Do you swear it?"

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Inhale. Inhale. "I don't often say things I don't mean, Mister Potter."

"Sure you do. You're a spy."

Severus grit his teeth. "Fine then. I swear it."

Potter exhaled and smiled lopsidedly, shoulders sagging somewhat, "Good. That's good. Okay, well, then I think we should still try to get along. For Lili's sake. Because we're both, er, you know, important to her."

Potter turned pink. Severus nearly rolled his eyes out of his head.

Merlin, save him from hormonal teenagers.

"That is, I only mean that—,"

"Mis—ter Potter." Severus held up a hand to silence the brat and managed to keep his voice quite calm when he spoke, "Allow me to make something abundantly clear — to you. I don't know specifically what is going on between you and Lilium, and quite frankly, I do not wish to."

Potter looked relieved. Ah, thought Severus, Not for long.

"However."

Now, the boy tensed. The Potions Master resisted a mean smirk.

"Potter, if you ever—,"

The brat suddenly blurted, "She's the most beautiful person I've ever met."

Severus first blinked and then sneered at that. Of course the son of James Potter would comment merely on Lilium's beauty; a fluke, a one in a million chance, a characteristic that said nothing of one's character. Beauty; how trivial and how painfully fleeting. How typically Potter of the boy he was starting to think better of. His mistake.

His sneer only increased its intensity.

In truth, beauty was never something Severus had ever emphasised in the raising of his daughter. In retrospect, he knew such trivialities were what allowed his daughter to be initially taken advantage of by Gilderoy f—cking Lockhart, and the thought sickened as much as it saddened him. Still, he had never made it a priority (and still did not indeed to) likely because he was not beautiful himself, and he did not care to be.

Not anymore.

But... even now, sitting in his office as a thirty—five year old Potions Master, Severus could still hear the taunts regarding his own hideousness. He still felt nine years old, smelling stale air rank with flat beer and fresh blood, hearing Tobias' drunken slur, 'Don' look a' me with tha' ugly face o' yers, Sev'rus, go cry someplace else'. He still felt fourteen, turning bright red at his school desk, watching Sirius Black smirk cruelly, 'I'm working on an insult, just give me a minute to decide which part of you is ugliest, Snivelly'.

It was during these years that Severus still cared about his appearance (with his patch—work robes and intolerably greasy hair), even though he knew there was no changing how he was perceived. Only after did he come to value his mind above all else, scorning beauty in any and all forms. After all, he thought, beauty was not earned or sharpened, not like the mind.

He was wrong about that.

No matter what taunts or insults slung at her, Severus knew from when he first held Lilium that he possessed a child who was beautiful inside and out.

Beauty, in his child — whom he valued about all others, had been nurtured. She had the seedlings of inner beauty when she was born, and it wasn't until she was freed from all the terrible weeds of her birth and early childhood, that it could truly bloom like a flower inside her heart. Still, this was getting all too poetical for his tastes.

In summary: Potter was a shallow, cold—hearted little b—stard.

But the boy was quick to correct his thinking.

"I don't just mean her looks. Because she is beautiful," now the boy was blushing bright red, and ugh, how did Severus end up in this situation? Still, he did not stop until he said: "But she's beautiful inside, too."

Severus caught his breath.

"Lili's got a beautiful heart and spirit and mind. Anyone can see it, if they bothered to actually look. Her magic is beautiful because her heart is beautiful."

"Well." He said, rather stiffly, feeling foolish.

Potter — Harry — gave him a grin. Severus rolled his eyes. He had misjudged the boy for years now. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he'd managed to do it yet again.

ANNIE SPEAKS

ϟ

HEY!! happy wednesday and i hope you enjoyed the chapter! we're back at hogwarts and things are bad. big shocker. there are a lot of changes this year from the new relationship status to snape reverting to his old ways and new tension amongst gryffindor, and we're only just getting started. but hey, at least our babies are dating now!! they're all grown up!! and snape and harry's relationship continues to be complicated. i love it.

next chapter we really dive into some tough subplots i've got planned and i'm so excited!! it's going to be terrible.

CHAPTER FORTY—ONE :

We're doing swimmingly, Lili love. How're you?"

"Harbouring murderous tendencies," she thought grimly, only realizing that she'd said it out loud when she saw the surprised but excited expressions.

"Really?" Fred leant closer.

George quickly added, "Do tell."

"Umbridge is a disgusting old hag, and I hate her bleeding guts." At her words, the twins' eyes gleamed, and Lili leant in closer to whisper a very dangerous sentence: "I want to make some mischief; are you in?"

Instantly, the Weasley twins grinned.

here's my meme!!

i love them with my whole heart