ACT TWO, chapter twenty—three :
you can't take it back, it's good as gone
well, flesh amnesiac, this is your song

ϟ

Lilium S. Snape walked into the Leaky Cauldron.

It was sprinkling outside, a foggy day in London, and raindrops clung to the black fabric of her long coat. She didn't look quite the same, darker than she'd been in weeks, returned with new scars and fresh wounds. She was smaller looking, both wise beyond her years and more childlike — traumatised into feeling like a helpless little girl again. Snape had left her here, secure in the knowledge that the Weasley's would keep her safe... but nothing could keep her safe now.

She would never feel safe anywhere and with anyone again.

"Lili."

The girl turned her head slightly to find none other than Harry Potter standing across from her in the small and shabby—looking pub. Her face was held carefully still, and when their eyes met, she did not smile but her eyes softened just a bit. Harry gaped at her like the sun after a year of rain, like an oasis in the middle of a desert. Under his gaze, Lili felt small and strange and out of place, and for the first time in a long time, she felt she did not belong near him.

"Hi, Harry."

The Potter boy stared at her in what seemed like total disbelief for a long moment, chest moving in rapid but silent breaths. He looked like he wanted to run to her, throw his arms round her, and hug her close, but somehow he knew... she didn't want to be touched. She couldn't stand to be touched, not when everything still hurt so much.

Quietly, he asked, "How—How are you?"

"Fine," she even smiled a little now, to really sell it.

"Right," he didn't believe her, but he didn't call her out on it. After a moment, he stepped closer, "I'm so... That is, I wanted to—,"

"Lili!"

Hermione cut him off to throw her arms round her best friend, squeezing her tight. "Oh, I've been so worried, why haven't you written? Did something happen? Missus Weasley said Dumbledore assured her everything was under control, but—,"

"Oi!" Standing just behind with Scabbers in his hand, Ron cut in with a bemused smile, "Don't strangle her, 'Mione, she's only just got here."

"Hey—a, Ron," Lili managed once Hermione freed her.

"Hey, Lili." The redhead said brightly, "Nice summer?"

"Fine." She knew Harry was staring at the side of her face, "You?"

"The best!"

Lili felt Harry lingering, but she didn't dare to look.

Her friends had nice and normal summers, and Lili was glad. Hermione had been in France with her parents while the Weasleys were enjoying a free trip to Egypt as Mister Weasley won a raffle from The Daily Prophet. They had both been so far away, and now only Lili and Harry knew the terrible things that had happened.

"Hullo, you lovely lady," Fred appeared to put an arm round her shoulder (he didn't seem to notice her flinch), the task easier this year as she'd finally hit her growth spurt, which was a bloody miracle, because it meant she was at least as tall as Hermione and nearly up to her father's forearm. "Haven't you grown."

"I have," she confirmed with a faint lilt.

With that arm still round her shoulder, Fred guided her to the table where the others were oogling over a newspaper clipping. "Did you hear we're world famous now? Our photo's in The Prophet," he pointed them out, the whole family posed before the Egyptian pyramids. "But look, George's nose looks positively massive."

Lili arched a brow, "That's your nose, Fred."

The Weasley twin gasped in apparent shock, dragging the clipping closer for a better look. "Bloody hell. 'Tis, isn't it? Take after your side of the family, don't I, Mum?"

The Snape girl's lips twitched slightly, a flash of amusement breaking through the cold interior of her chest.

Lili's black eyes trailed to Missus Weasley who chuckled and tutted and fussed over her children, and a strange sense of longing pulled at her heart. It was stupid and embarrassing and ridiculous. But... She desperately wanted Missus Weasley to love her, to care for her, to consider her one of her own. She wanted to be hugged and kissed and protected from the world. It made her feel outrageously pathetic. She wasn't an orphan, not lacking family, not like Harry. She had a father.

A father who said: It's not love.

And as if her thoughts conjured her, the Weasley matron kindly took her face in her soft hands, smiling as if relieved that she was here (Did she know?). "It's so good to see you, Lilium."

"You too, Missus Weasley," she blushed.

Mister Weasley suddenly appeared with a smile, "Harry, Lili. Wonder if I might have a word?"

The pair exchanged a glance before shrugging. Harry answered for them both, "Yea, sure."

The kids curiously followed the red—haired man who seemed to act casual, greeting Hermione kindly and asking Lili and Harry about their upcoming term. With a forced smile, her friend assured the man that it was sure to be a good one. Lili let Harry speak for them both; she had very low hopes for this next year anyway.

Once they were safe enough away from the others, Mister Weasley's entire demeanour changed and he glanced nervously at a fugitive poster tacked to the wall. In it, Sirius Black glowered under the words: 'Have You Seen This Man?'

"Kids," Mister Weasley began with a low murmur, the severity of the words made clear. "There are some both within the Ministry and at Hogwarts who would strongly discourage me... from divulging what I'm about to reveal to either of you. But I think you both need to know the facts. Because you're in danger. Grave danger."

At once, all three allowed their eyes to drift to the fugitive poster once more.

Lili bit her lip, murmuring, "Has this anything to do with him, sir?"

Mister Weasley's silence was answer enough. His lips thinned as he glanced between the pair of serious teens, "What do you two know of Sirius Black?"

"That he's escaped from Azkaban," she answered, dark eyes on Black's deranged face, "That he killed lots of people, that he might've been part of..."

No, no, she wasn't supposed to share that, she didn't want to talk about that. Lili's teeth clacked when her mouth shut, and if Ron's father noticed her sudden silence, he didn't mention it. Harry, however, certainly noticed. He gave her a knowing look that made her mouth go dry, but Mister Weasley simply nodded with understandable grimness, though seemed relieved that was all they knew.

"Harry, thirteen years ago, when you stopped..." He paused, seemingly unable to continue.

"Voldemort...?" Harry supplied, and Lili buried a wince.

Somehow the name felt worse to say aloud after what happened at the end of the summer.

Though slightly wincing, the redheaded man nervously nodded, "Black lost everything. But he remains a loyal servant to this day. In his mind, only you stand in the way of—," 

Once again, Mister Weasley hesitated so Harry added darkly, "Voldemort."

"Don't say his name, Harry," Mister Weasley's voice grew oddly stern. "I don't like it when you say—,"

"I know, sorry. Lili hates it too."

Lili's eyes were on the tips of her shoes. It felt so hard to swallow for some reason, and her fingers idly pressed at her tender throat as she tried hard to breathe.

"In Black's mind, only you, Harry, stand in the way of... You Know Who returning to power. That's why he's broken. That's why he's broken out of Azkaban. To find you."

Painfully, Mister Weasley had fallen silent once again, and a well of dread opened up in the pit of the girl's stomach.

Lili flinched when Harry realised lowly, "And kill me."

No. That was not happening.

Mister Weasley nodded. Very nervously.

"Harry." He levelled her friend with an intense stare, "I want you to swear that — whatever you might hear — you won't go looking for Black."

"Mister Weasley, why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?"

"Because you're you, Harry," Lili told him, not at all cruelly, but a certain fondness that made Harry blush. She swiftly looked away, though, a frown taking over her features when she squinted up at the redheaded man, "But what's all this to do with me, Mister Weasley?"

Mister Weasley frowned sadly at her, one hand gently finding her shoulder to give it a squeeze. Then, in a voice so quiet that it was hard to hear, the man said:

"Because Sirius Black didn't escape alone. He escaped with your mother, too."

ϟ

As the Hogwarts Express blared its horn, a milling horde of students boarded the train.

Parents hurried their children onboard; tiny siblings waving goodbyes, mothers weeping and fathers sighing with longing. Lili's father was nowhere to be seen. In the flurry of activity, Ron almost left his pet rat behind which would've been a tragedy (in Crookshanks' opinion, anyway). Aboard, the aisles teemed with Lili's fellow students. Their quartet worked their way down the small cluttered aisle, looking for an empty compartment on the moving train.

"—I didn't mean to blow her up. I just..." Harry winced slightly, "Lost control."

"Brilliant!" Ron crowed with a laugh, still gripping Scabbers tightly.

"Honestly, Ron, it's not funny," Hermione tutted in disapproval. "Harry's lucky he wasn't expelled."

"Think I was lucky not to be arrested, actually," Harry muttered, making Lili smirk half—heartedly.

She was far too dazed, far too distracted, by Mister Weasley's news to feel much of anything. 

"I still think it was brilliant." Ron shrugged a shoulder, "So where'd you spend all summer, though, Harry?"

"Oh. Uh." Harry and Lili briefly glanced at one another, faces suspiciously blank. "Diagon Alley."

Hermione's brow wrinkled slightly when she squinted between them, but she didn't have any time to question them when snap, snap, snap! Lili quickly lifted her boot so a copy of The Monster Book of Monsters scuttled under her foot and down the aisle, pursued quickly by a very red—cheeked Neville.

"Hi, Lili." The Longbottom boy panted as he squeezed by, "Harry. Ron. Hermione."

Together: "Hi, Neville."

Poor Neville.

As he bumped past, Hermione nodded to the closest compartment, "Come on. Everywhere else is full."

Lili tumbled inside, being her usual clumsy self as she tripped over her own boots 'til she landed roughly on the bench. She blinked in surprise that they were not alone in the compartment. A man dressed in a rather shabby suit was slumped against the window, coat pulled over his head, apparently asleep. In truth, he looked terribly ill. The quartet eyed him warily.

Ron whispered, "Who d'you reckon he is?"

"Professor RJ Lupin," Hermione answered immediately.

"You know everything." The redhead was amazed. "How is it she knows everything?"

"It's on his suitcase, Ronald."

Lili softly snorted when Hermione pointed to the luggage overhead. Indeed, stamped in peeling letters on a battered case were the words: 'Professor RJ Lupin.'

"Lili," Harry called her attention, "Does he really seem asleep?"

Frowning, the girl leant in to study the man before responding warily. "Can't say for sure, but yes...?"

She didn't need to ask why he wanted to know. She knew exactly why. Somehow, without even needing to say it, they had both agreed the tale of the summer (most of it anyway) and their latest news needed to come out.

Her friend nodded sternly and glanced at the others. "Close the door."

Lili felt sick all of a sudden, feeling like it was impossible to swallow, feeling like it was impossible to feel safe ever again. Hermione and Ron exchanged a curious glance, and then Ron rose, slid the door shut, and the story of Lili's kidnapping and the mass murderer named Sirius Black began. Him, and of course Lili's own mother. There, bundled up in the warmth and safety of the compartment, over whispered secrets amongst friends, was where the Dementors found them...

ϟ

Lili was cold.

A kind of cold that went more than skin deep, an unforgiving chill, a need for warmth settled into her bones that couldn't be satisfied. Dementors did that. Dementors found the very worst of you, dragged every rotting piece to the surface, and made it your entire existence.

After... it, the storm had grown only worse and the quartet rode in carriages to the glimmering castle, sitting in complete and utter silence. Lili's boots splashed in a massive puddle when she hopped from the horse—less carriage, mud and water splattering on her raincoat and tight trousers. She didn't care. The girl turned back to watch her friends do the same, gaze lingering on Harry just long enough for him to catch her staring.

"Lili," Hermione tugged on her sleeve, "Lili, look!"

Look, Lili did. She followed her best friend's finger and found a familiar figure striding smoothly down the steps towards them, cloak billowing behind him like big dark wings. Snape, her father. Lili's breath hitched as he came to a stop just before her (mere inches, really), dry despite the rain, eyes dark as endless tunnels.

"Lilium."

Snape's voice was deep and dark, with a hitch that showed his upset was more than anger.

Instantly, the words came flowing out, "It wasn't me who fainted, it was—,"

Harry unsteadily nudged her back, and with a jolt, Lili forced herself to keep silent. Well, apparently the whole passing—out—because—of—a—Dementor incident was meant to be kept secret. Snape's eyes trailed suspiciously from Lili to Harry, but as if seeing something painful, his gaze snapped back in her direction almost instantly.

"You're pale. You should rest, come—,"

Snape's hand gripped her shoulder firmly, clearly intending to direct her safely towards the castle. He had barely managed to usher her up three steps, her friends following closely behind, when a familiar voice stopped them.

"She is all right, Severus, I assure you," came from behind them. "I made sure to check all was well."

Lili looked back and found that Lupin was gazing up at them from the last step. Snape whirled round, his face twisted, and the man practically growled. Lili and other members of the quartet were almost startled at the expression twisting his thin, sallow face. It was beyond anger: it was loathing. All together, his expression and his sounds were just frightening enough to cause Ron to shudder. Lupin, however, didn't seem overly affected, if a bit intense in his stare.

"I certainly would have informed you should anything have been amiss, Severus, if I had known you were her Head of House. Of course I had assumed..." The man's brown eyes trailed purposefully towards Lili's three clearly Gryffindor friends.

"We both know what they say about assuming, Lupin," Snape sneered.

Lili almost cringed.

"Of course," the other professor accepted mildly, strangely unoffended by her father's extremely rude tone. "In any case, I will make sure that any message regarding one of your students makes its way to you in the future."

"She is not merely one of my students."

Snape's hand tightened on her still healing shoulder, almost to the point of pain, though he clearly didn't realise it.

"I must note how utterly surprised I am that you decided to deign us with your presence, Professor. I had hoped against hope that you were wise enough to turn down the Headmaster's thoroughly foolish offer to bring you on. If I were you, Lupin, I'd hold off unpacking."

Her friends gaped, and Lili's jaw threatened to drop.

Lupin's face were strange, resigned rather than offended or annoyed. Snape, though, his face was dark with pure hatred and... and what seemed like... fear? She would've doubted it because she didn't think she'd ever seen her father be afraid of anything, but the ever present tightening of his fingers on her shoulder had to be some indication of his unease.

But for who?

Himself, or Lili?

"Sev?" The girl asked a bit hoarsely, tugging lightly on his wide sleeve, "What's happening?"

Lupin — that is, Professor Lupin — swiftly looked at her and then back at Snape, and then to Lili once more. Then, as if in both surprise and understanding, the man's brown eyes widened.

"I see," he said quietly.

Her father's eyes narrowed.

"Severus." Lupin stepped one step after them, speaking calmly, "Surely we could discuss this, rather than remember—,"

"Enough!"

Snape's voice startled them all, like a crack of thunder. Then his arm wrapped protectively round Lili's shoulders and he guided her up the stairs so fast that her feet barely touched the stone at all. He was pelting her with questions, sharper than the needles of heavy rain, his gaze searching every feature of her face.

"Have you been hurt?"

"Do you need to rest?"

"Did that mongrel say anything to you?"

Lili was staring at him in utter bewilderment until they reached the big doors of the Great Hall.

Why wasn't he asking her about her mother? Why didn't he tell her about her mother in the first place?! Why was he trying to keep it a secret? Did he not know that her mother was free and out? It didn't make any sense. None at all.

Finally, she shook herself into speaking. "We're all right," she managed hollowly, sounding far away. "Professor Lupin gave us chocolate."

Oh, that just made it so much worse. Snape's face darkened like the sky outside, but before he could thunder in reply, a sad horde of muddy First Years shuffled in, looking frightened and cold and absolutely soaked. Her father's face twisted into a sneer and he straightened himself to go back to the Head Table once more. Snape cast one last dark look at Harry before swirling away in his usual billow of black, and Lili trailed dully after her friends to their usual spot at the Gryffindor table.

As a flash of lightning bleached the ceiling of the Great Hall, the sweet sound of the Hogwarts choir rose on the chilly air:

In the cauldron boil and bake, fillet of a fenny snake, scale of dragon,

Tooth of wolf, witches' mummy, maw and gulf.

Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Something wicked this way comes!

As Professor Flitwick's choir concluded, Dumbledore eagerly rose to beam over the sea of black hats.

"Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say, before we become befuddled by our excellent feast. I myself am particularly looking forward to the flaming kiwi cups, which, while somewhat treacherous for those of us with facial hair..."

Snape rolled his eyes while McGonagall pointedly cleared her throat.

"Mm. Yes." The Headmaster dove right back in, "First, I'm pleased to welcome Professor RJ Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Good luck to you, Professor!"

Lupin gave a brief but polite bow. Amid scattered applause, the other members of the quartet clapped loudly. Lili could only watch from far, far away. Her mother, her mother, her mother... Her thoughts were consumed by her. She was coming for Lili. 

Finally, finally, Bellatrix was coming for Lili. 

"Of course!" Hermione chimed with the air of someone who just had an epiphany. "That's why he knew to give you the chocolate, Harry."

"Potter? Potter!"

Lili flinched at the voice, following her friend's eyes to see a familiar boy leaning from his bench towards them, flanked by his ever—present ejit lackeys. 

"ls it true you fainted?" Draco Malfoy sat there with a smarmy grin, his haughty voice actually hurting her ears. He smirked cruelly. "l mean, you actually fainted?"

"I'd rather like to see how you'd react if a Dementor tried to suck out your soul, you obnoxious prick," Lili spat, fingers twisting into Harry's sleeve as Ron turned their friend back round.

Even her friends look surprised. Stung and properly shocked, Draco's mocking expression faltered before he scoffed and turned away, muttering something that made Crabbe and Goyle snicker. B—stards.

"How did he find out?" Harry grumbled as Ron dismissed quietly, "Just forget it."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was still giving his start of the year lecture, "As some of you may know, Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher for many years, has decided to retire in order to spend more time with his remaining limbs... Fortunately, I'm delighted to announce that his place will be filled by none other than our own Rubeus Hagrid!"

The quartet exchanged quick, stunned glances before applauding vigorously. You know, Lili's world might've gone to sh—t, but good for Hagrid, really. She needed some good news in her life, to be perfectly honest. Hagrid turned ruby red, and at the urging of McGonagall, stood up — only to nearly topple the entire staff table, sending silver goblets and their contents all over the place. Lili cringed in sympathy.

"Finally," the Headmaster's voice turned grave, "On a more disquieting note, Hogwarts — at the request of the Ministry of Magic — will, until further notice, play host to the Dementors of Azkaban until such a time as Sirius Black has been captured."

A murmur of apprehension filled the hall.

No sh—t, the girl wanted to grumble.

And yet, he mentioned only Sirius Black... Just Sirius Black? Why was no one mentioning her mum? Why did no one seem to know?

At the Slytherin table, Draco caught their eye yet again and feigned a dead faint. Lili flipped him a very particular finger. It was only then that boy sitting across from Draco turned round, and she nearly fell off the bench.

Theodore. Theodore Nott.

Instantly, Lili could feel the wood splintering into her knees, the rope disfiguring her neck, the steady drip of her blood against the floorboards... She was going to throw up. No, she was going to pass out. No, she was going to— This, his being here, it shouldn't have surprised her. They were the same age. Theodore Nott was her classmate.

Still. For only a moment, she wanted nothing more than to escape, grab her wand and dash through school wards and bloody learn how to Apparate. Forget Hogwarts, forget a magical education, forget bloody everything. She would leave, run away, go right back to Cokeworth— It was the thought of returning to the scene of the crime that brought her up short. No. She couldn't go back home, not when it meant letting those men win.

"—ili? Lili?"

She jerked when a hand tugged on her sleeve, and she found her friends all watching her with worried eyes. She could do nothing but stare back at them with a blankness that frightened even herself. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Lili didn't let him get that far. Almost numbly, the girl turned to watch the Headmaster as he finished his grave speech.

"—Stationed at the entrances to the grounds. While they are under strict orders not to enter the castle itself, you will on occasion see them as you go about your daily activities. Under no circumstances are you to approach them. It is not in the nature of a Dementor to be forgiving..."

As always, it was too little, too late.

ϟ

Lili was called to the Headmaster's office.

It was a bit early in the year for an Inspection but seeing as all that had transpired in the past week or so, she supposed this impromptu meeting wasn't too shocking. Still, she didn't have to be happy about it. She shuffled rather pathetically through the corridors, and she genuinely contemplated just sitting on the steps when the gargoyle staircase spun her up. With a trembling fist, she knocked on the dark wood door and hesitantly peeked her head inside to find not one but two men awaiting her.

Snape was already there. This can't be good.

"Lilium, it is very good to see you again," Dumbledore's voice was amicable and kindly, and it burnt Lili's ears to hear it.

Stepping fully into the room, the girl jerked her head slightly but did not respond. The girl could not find it within herself to speak, and she found herself staring blankly at the wall behind the Headmaster. Dumbledore, apparently, was unfettered.

"How have you been faring, dear girl?"

How had she been faring? That was a good question, actually.

Lili tried to take stock of herself, forcing down her shields to actually feel something for once. What couldn't be vanished had turned to scabs and scars. Her neck still hurt sometimes, and it felt quite bad right now. Most of her bruises had yellowed with the help of bruise paste, and the abrasions on her chin and chest were all but healed with Episkey. The skin had mostly grown back on her knees, though sometimes she still felt like splintered wood was still in her kneecaps. The Curse scars, however, didn't seem to be healing at all and—

"Lilium." Snape's voice was sharp and stern, snapping her from her daze, "It is mandatory to treat your elders, especially your Headmaster, with even a modicum of respect. Therefore, do us all the service of providing Professor Dumbledore with a response."

The girl's black gaze flatly glanced toward her father for a moment before focusing back on Dumbledore whose expression was somehow both open and cautious at the same time. 

"M—My apologies, Headmaster, I was..." Lili squeezed her eyes shut and shook herself briefly before saying, "That is, what did you say?"

"I know you've had a very difficult summer," understatement. "I simply wanted to see if you are... quite all right, dear girl?"

"Of course, sir," her voice matched her face's blankness. "Whenever am I not?"

Snape's eyes were dark and frightening on the side of her face.

"I see. And have you been feeling any more pain?"

Did he mean from her Mark? Or from the abuse from those men?

"...No."

Dumbledore gave her an indulgent smile, as if he didn't believe her (but who did these days?). "All the same, you know you may always excuse yourself to the Hospital Wing if you ever have need of Madam Pomfrey's expert services."

That was not happening, not in a million years.

"Thank you, Professor Dumbledore."

His eyes twinkled with understanding. "Now then. Have you experienced any more of those dreams you described to us at the end of last year? Other than the one regarding the Incident, of course..."

"No, sir. I promised I'd report it if I did."

Silence. A very tense one where both Snape and Dumbledore tried to decide whether they could trust her or not. Finally:

"Very well, then." The Headmaster smiled warmly, hands folding in his lap under the desk. "Back to the matter at hand: how is the first term shaping up, Lilium?"

"Quite well..." Lili was confused, glancing at her father again, unable to believe the Headmaster called her here to ask that. "I have electives available this year: Care of Magical Creatures, Divination, and Muggle Studies. I'm also taking Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Lupin this year. I hope he doesn't turn out to be an egotistical maniac or a murderer like my last two professors."

Dumbledore chuckled, even if she hadn't meant it as a joke. Snape, on the other hand, certainly did not laugh. Her father looked pointedly at the Headmaster who happily ignored him. The tension was so thick and her confusion was so strong, she couldn't handle the suspense anymore.

Lili nearly burst, "What's happened?"

As always, she lacked a certain level of manners. Not to mention, right now she possessed about as much subtlety as a freight train — very Gryffindor of her, Snape would say. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her father roll his eyes, but Dumbledore was kind enough to answer anyway.

"Nothing as of yet. I simply wanted to confirm your friendship with Mister Potter?"

"I wouldn't say friends... exactly."

She shifted uncomfortably, a shy blush rising on her pale cheeks. Last year, yes, she'd considered him a friend. Now, though, they were not just friends; Harry felt too important to simply be called a 'friend'. Though what she could call him, she had no bloody idea.

"All the same." Dumbledore smiled as if he knew something she didn't. This was not surprising. "I'd like to ask a favour of you."

She peeked at her father, brow furrowed lower than usual. His displeasure somehow outweighed his own confusion. That was concerning.

"Sir?"

"This year, would you mind terribly looking out for your friend, Mister Potter?"

Her mouth opened and closed at least three times before she frowned at the Headmaster, then she looked at her father whose lips were very deeply turned downward. She blurted, "Is this about Sirius Black?"

Snape sharply asked, "What do you know about that, Lilium?"

"Oh, I know more than enough," her black eyes snapped to his, feeling vicious, "I know he escaped with my mother."

Snape's spine became a broomstick, and suddenly he seemed twice her height as he went completely rigid. Good, she thought cruelly, Be as bloody miserable as I am. She winced at her own thoughts and shook her head to clear it.

Instead, she focused on accusing, "Why didn't you tell me?!"

Snape gritted his teeth and refused to meet her eyes. "I did not believe you needed to know."

"Of course you didn't! She's only my bloody mother!" She scathed before turning towards the Headmaster, "Why does no one know?"

Dumbledore's expression was calm but rather sad when he replied, "Her escape has not yet reached the papers, and as it stands, the Ministry would like to keep it that way, as it comes mere days after Sirius Black's escape."

"No, of course not. Wouldn't want everyone to ever know the whole truth, would we?"

"Lilium," Snape tried to scold, but it just came off strangely... pleading.

She ignored him.

"All efforts are being put into the capture of Sirius Black," continued Dumbledore, "And as we heavily suspect them to be travelling together, it did not make sense to bring untold terror upon the wizarding world."

Softly, tentatively, hopefully: "Do you think she'll come after me, Headmaster?"

"Of this, we have little doubt."

Lili was torn.

They didn't seriously think that she was in danger too, did they? Her mum was a Death Eater, but she wouldn't hurt Lili... would she? Really, Lili did not know if her mum was one of those who hurt her so during her first years, but in truth, she knew very little about the woman who birthed her other than the fact that she was a Death Eater and loyal follower of a Dark Lord.

"Do you think she was involved in... in...?"

"Perhaps. Regardless of her involvement, we must be vigilant in the future months — even in the safety of Hogwarts." At the sudden frightened flash in her eyes, Snape explained darkly, "You must be wary of danger; there will be more than one interested eye on you here. Young Nott will be around you constantly, and anything of interest will certainly be reported back to his father and his accomplices."

Lili paled at the mention of Theodore Nott, eyes falling to the ground, a full body shudder wracking through her thin frame.

"Yes." Snape tensed at her reaction, gritting out, "You and Potter must be on guard this year, more than ever before—,"

"You can look out for him," Dumbledore cut in, "Just as I am sure he will return the favour."

Snape practically growled.

Harry needed someone watching his back (because he had a horrible habit of getting into life—threatening situations without even trying very hard), and she was more than willing to fill that role. Still... her lot in life seemed more destined to playing the role of protector from the shadows, not... whatever it was that Dumbledore wanted.

Finally, she asked, "And you're asking... me... to do that, sir?"

Snape tensed his jaw, eyes darting out the window as if he couldn't stand to watch.

"If it isn't too much trouble, of course."

Still angry, still numb, Lili cocked her dark head to the side, "You're not worried?"

Dumbledore blinked, "About?"

"Murders."

The Headmaster laughed, "Oh, you'll do brilliantly, I know. I have every confidence, Miss Snape."

Lili was glad someone did. 

ϟ

In the Gryffindor dormitory, a thirteen year old girl hunkered down in the space between her bed and the window. The world outside looked dark and dangerous, full of escaped convicts and Death Eaters and men who wanted to hurt Lilium Snape and her friends. Her chin rested on her kneetops, resisting shivers as the cold of the flagstones seeped into her skin. She wasn't willing to crawl into bed yet, not 'til she was sure she wasn't going to have nightmares, not 'til Snape checked in like he said he would.

"It's good to be home, right, Lili?"

Lili flinched and turned to find Hermione studying her from her own bed, Crookshanks cradled in her lap. Looking far, far away, the dark girl nodded and turned to the window to watch the dementors drift into positions outside the grounds.

"Yea." Watching soft breath clouded the glass, she whispered, "Home, sweet home..."

Then, when Hermione wasn't looking, Lili reached into her jumper pocket and downed an entire vial of Dreamless Sleep.

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Severus was a dark shadow stalking through Hogwarts.

By now, he had finished with his annual welcome to his returning Slytherins and the introductions to his First Years along with the short meeting with his Prefects, and still his night wasn't done quite yet. True, Severus couldn't deny that he enjoyed watching professors and students alike tremble before him as he went about his usual storm through the castle, but, at the moment, he was alone in the corridors and he had a mission in mind.

He needed to see his daughter before the night was over, to ensure she was settling in, to see that no one had bothered her, to... he wasn't sure what.

Severus had long suspected (and feared) that Lilium had realised that he wanted to be free of her, once. Had she somehow sensed how unsure he had been that he was the right caregiver for his own daughter, and had even considered thrusting her upon some other wizarding family instead? And, after the Incident this summer, perhaps he was most afraid that Lilium thought that he did not want her even now, that he would not — or even worse, could not — save her from the Darkness that now threatened her more than ever.

But Severus knew he could not dare speak these thoughts to even contradict them; his desperate need for privacy and shameful amount of cowardice was simply too d—mn strong.

"Severus."

He had his wand out before he could blink, instinct and past experience forcing him to bear arms. He lowered it, only very slightly, when he realised who it was standing across from him in the corridor.

Severus' teeth bared slightly when he crooned, "Is there a particular reason you are lurking in the shadows, Lupin... especially when I know you so enjoy the moonlight?"

Lupin, d—mn him, seemed unfettered. Mildly, he replied, "Full moon is still two weeks away, Severus, and I have you to thank for the wolfsbane, I know."

"Indeed."

If looks truly did have the capacity to kill, Lupin would have been dead ten times over since the start of the Welcoming Feast. How unfortunate. The wolf seemed to hesitate slightly, as if he wasn't sure what to say now he had the chance. Severus was quickly losing patience.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Lupin." He growled, "Just say what you have to say. Some of us have things to do."

Lilium would be waiting, and he didn't like the idea of his child lingering in portrait holes and dark corridors, wondering if he would be coming to get her. It was too reminiscent of the end of the summer, and it was something that still made his shriveled black heart go cold.

"Right." Lupin seemed to steel himself, stepping further into the pale light, "Severus. I do understand that you are likely not entirely comfortable with my presence here at Hogwarts—,"

"What—ever gave you that impression?"

Lupin paused, seeming to lose steam, but Severus arched an eyebrow and glared blankly.

"And yet," the were—man continued, "We are to be stuck here together — for better or for worse, so I see no reason as to why we can't at least try to be civil."

"Do you not," Severus drawled flatly.

"I'm aware we have wronged each other, Severus, many times over. Of course I do not wish to force us to relive the past by discussing it — if it will only make things worse for the both of us, but I am more than happy to speak of our past grievances whenever—,"

"Grievances?" He cut in with a truly frightened snarl. "You speak of f—cking grievances?"

Lupin winced slightly and dipped his ashen hair in understanding, though he (unfortunately) did not back down. "Yes. Grievances, Severus, some out of each of our hands and some entirely the fault of us both. I am certain I owe you an apology, or many, for how things were when we were only boys, but—,"

He couldn't be hearing this. He could not possibly be hearing this. If Lupin heard another word, Severus' ears were going to f—cking bleed and crumple and fall off.

"Enough."

Severus' voice was a blade cutting through the air and severing Lupin's truly appalling attempts at peace. Wildly, Severus found that he was nearly shaking, but with what emotion, he could not tell. Anger? Resentment? Fear? Remembrance? Perhaps all of it at once, and it was too bloody much. He took five deep (shaky) breaths and through his teeth, he spat the words out like glass.

"Allow me to make this abundantly clear: I have no need for your apologies, no wish to listen to your tales of woe, and certainly no desire to engage in a heart—to—heart. The only thing I want is the ability to pretend you do not exist for the remainder of this school year."

Lupin stared at him.

Severus stared back.

Another five deep breaths later, and:

"Now, get out of my way. I have a child to tend to."

annie speaks

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so, let's recap, shall we? dumbledore sucks and that's that. snape is a protective father, and he's trying his best but he's not doing very well atm. lupin wants to make peace with snape, but am i going to let that happen? hmmm, wait and see. harry is of course still in love with lili and in-love-harry is my fav harry. not to mention lili might be developing something of a drug dependence...? oh, and also, bellatrix is on the loose. muhahaha. 

i'm so freaking excited for the plot twists. 

PLEASE, tell me your thoughts and theories!! 

CHAPTER TWENTY—FOUR :

Lili's eyes narrowed somewhat, "What is it, Draco?

"The upperclassmen, my father, you know what it's like. We're all raised the same."

Lili wasn't, though. She hadn't been raised like Draco had, thinking that Muggles were lesser than and fully supporting the Dark Lord. Still, she couldn't say that, now could she?

"We're starting rather early..." She swallowed hard, "Aren't we?"

"We are."

Their faces were grave.

now, for the funny thingamabob: