It's the only thing that I'm holding unto,
yet it is also slipping from my fingers.

The heavy feeling came back
settling in my chest, again.
It's so hard to breathe.
So hard to act like everything's still fine—
as if I'm not affected.
Facing the screen,
keeping myself from breaking down
right there and then
Sometimes I just wish
everything would end.
'Cause I'm already so tired.
I want to rest.

I know I love myself,
but I'm not proud
of what I am now.
Probably because I'm still tied to my past.
To the what if's that I wish I could've been.
Yet, now I can't go back
and change anything.
I feel my worth deteriorating.
Guess, I have degraded into something lower than being human.

I want to free from this but I don't know why it still keeps coming back
turning me into a slave.
Holding me by the neck, torturing me into thinking of everything
that I want to move on from.

I know I might be laughing it off now.
But, I know, deep inside
I am crumbling down.
I want to hurt myself
to let the worldly pain
distract me from what I'm feeling.
But, I know it's not right.
So, I sit here embracing the feelings, absorbing the pain
hurting even more than before.

I see myself on the camera
looking so unstable.
Where did my smiles go?
The blooming lady emitted positivity everywhere she goes.
I guess she's lying on her deathbed.
I'm still praying for her though.