Kelly

I awake with a start, a loud object falling to the floor with a thud. The offending noise that woke me continues to disrupt the silence. Lexi pops her head up from her perch at the end of the bed and we simultaneously peek over the side of the bed together. My phone sits face up, the alarm screeching at us.

Snatching the phone off the floor, I silence the alarm and fall back onto the bed with a groan. Apparently, I fell asleep with my phone on my chest.

A quick glance at the screen tells me I have no new notifications, and I thumb open my text conversation with Sutton. All it takes is a few swipes up in the thread to be reminded of my complete inability to chill last night.

I knew something was off with Sutton, but she was ignoring me. Although I knew I was acting over the top, I couldn't stop. I knew I had no chill. I was aware that I was being unreasonable. That I was creeping way over the line of whatever we're pretending this relationship is. Or is not. It's getting hard to remember these days. To remember why we're pretending. Why it matters. What we're doing.

All I could focus on last night was that I didn't like the feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing Sutton was sad.

It's as simple and complicated as that.

My thumbs stall over the keyboard, mentally typing and deleting a million different morning greeting drafts. I don't want to sound too needy or clingy or like I'm hovering. I have to remind myself she isn't really mine. But I'm starting to believe that less and less.

I'm pretty sure she is mine; I just need to go get her.

It's as simple and complicated as that.

I throw my phone on the bed next to me, giving up on coming up with the perfect text. I decide to let it marinade, instead opting for a shower. After I shower and I still haven't come up with any great greeting ideas, I retreat to the kitchen for coffee and toast. Partway through the partially burnt jelly toast, I set my phone down on the counter, my head soon following with a heavy clunk in the otherwise quiet room.

"What the fuck is my problem?" My voice is garbled with my mouth pressed against the counter.

Lexi rounds the island, nudging my hand with her cold, wet nose. After petting her head a few times, I retrieve my phone and quickly tap out a text before I can overthink it. Then I offer my dog the remnants of my breakfast and take my plate to the dishwasher.

ME: Morning, baby girl.

That's it. That's all I can come up with. Plain and simple. Not too needy or clingy or obviously hovering. Right?

Sutton doesn't answer until I'm halfway across town on my way to my new house. Once I pull into the driveway, I look at my phone.

SUTTON: Morning, Kell.
SUTTON: Before you ask because we both know you want to, I'm fine. I promise you. I'm fine.
SUTTON: You don't need to check up on me all day or come up with an excuse to come see me.
SUTTON: I'm fine. People get sad sometimes. It happens every minute of every day all around the world.
SUTTON: Thank you, though. It's sweet you care. But go back to pretending you don't and call me a brat. I'm Sutton. You're Kelly. We're mean to each other.

I laugh as I read her series of messages. She texts just like she talks.

Sticking my phone in my front pocket, I head into the house, pausing to take in the progress. The floors have been installed and the cabinets in the kitchen are halfway finished. It's been a slow job with me mostly tackling the jobs on my own when at all possible, but I'm not feeling especially rushed to finish this particular project.

Since I'm not interested in digesting why exactly that is, I busy myself with opening the windows to air out the lingering paint smell. Then I procrastinate some more by digging my phone out of my pocket to reread Sutton's text vomit.

ME: Fine. I'll make sure to be meaner from now on. Wouldn't want to upset the equilibrium and all that.

I get busy with work and hours pass before I check my phone again. No new messages. It's lunch time the next chance I get to look at my phone. Nothing.

I decide to grab lunch at home, but when I drive past our favorite Japanese food truck that only passes through every few weeks, I turn around and head back to it. After snapping a picture of the food truck, I send it to Sutton.

ME: Baby girl. Look.
SUTTON: Gotta pass today.

With a dejected feeling, I order our favorite with extra lobster sauce, and I eat it at home on my deck while staring at the neighboring houses. I make up stories about them like Sutton taught me, and I force myself not to text her about them like I usually would. It's become our thing. Randomly we'll send each other pictures of a house and an elaborate fictional backstory about the people who live there. It's kind of become a competition on who can come up with the most ridiculous story. Sutton nearly always wins. That girl is diabolical.

Instead, I play out the stories in my head, committing them to memory so I can retell them later.

Later that night when I'm stacking my dishwasher after supper, I debate whether I should text Sutton again. This space thing is stupid hard. I know it's ok to be sad. And I know I'm being ridiculous. But I don't like this foreign, completely unpleasant feeling that won't go away when I think about a sad Sutton. I don't like it. It bothers me.

ME: Baby girl. Are you ok? And don't lie to me.
SUTTON: Kelly. You're impossible. You're worse than my mom. You're making a bigger deal than it is.
ME: Just answer the question then.
SUTTON: Why? Because today I wasn't all sunshine and glitter when you wanted to talk?
ME: Don't be a brat. You know it isn't like that. Just like we both know I'm being a ridiculous ass. But I still need you to answer the question.
ME: Are you ok?
SUTTON: Yes. I'm ok. I'm just processing. Apparently my brain likes quiet when it processes. It's like a really old computer that gives you the spin of death while it thinks. That's me right now. Except it's my brain doing the spin of death.
SUTTON: My world was just rocked a bit. I'm reorienting myself.
SUTTON: Was that honest enough, my lord?
ME: Brat.
ME: I hope your brain doesn't start on fire from all that thinking.
ME: And you missed out on the best Japanese. I ate it all. Sorry.
ME: Also, feel free to call me your lord always.
SUTTON: There he is. Welcome back, Kell. Glad to see you're back from your short stint in looney land.
ME: What are you doing tonight?
SUTTON: Netflix and chilling. With my sister.
SUTTON: What's your sad sack self doing tonight?

A half an hour later, I reply.

ME: Netflix and chilling. With you. Open your door.

I lift the tote bag in my hand the minute the front door to Sutton's house bursts open. "Ice cream. Hot fudge. Whip cream. And cherries."

When she doesn't move to let me in or greet me in any way, I lean across the gap between us and brush my lips over the flushed skin of her cheek. "Hi, baby girl. Are you going to let me in?"

I show her the plastic bag in my other hand. "I lied before. I got you your own Japanese. You're welcome."

She stands in the doorway blinking rapidly at me, and I pretend not to notice the dewy appearance in her eyes. Instead, I take in the sight of her. Messy hair frames her makeup-free face. A white and black checked flannel drowns her tiny frame, and I smile at the sight of her in my shirt—one I knew I'd never get back after draping it over her at Jensen's a few days ago. Her legs are bare, the short, pink cotton shorts barely covering any of the golden skin. Purple fuzzy socks complete the look.

When I meet her eyes again, they're clear of impending tears. "Did you really invite yourself over here?" A smirk quirks her lips. "My lord." She can barely squeeze out the title without giggling.

The simple sight of a smiling Sutton thaws a bit of the frozen lump in the pit of my stomach. "If I waited around for you, I'd be waiting the rest of my life. And as you like to point out pretty much on the daily, I'm getting up there in age."

"Of course, my lord. Come in." She steps to the side, gesturing into the house with a dramatic flourish.

"Brat." I make sure to brush up against her as I enter the house, the sweet, alluring smell of her lingering as I make my way through the living room, nodding at Vivi as I pass by her on the couch, and make a pit stop in the kitchen to deposit the bags in my hands.

Sutton comes in on my heels, taking the Japanese food from me and plopping it into the nearly empty fridge. I grab bowls from the cupboard while she grabs spoons, and we work side by side as we concoct ridiculously huge ice cream sundaes. 

When I only drop one maraschino cherry on top of the whip cream, she nudges me. I scoop out three more and add them to her bowl, raising a questioning brow at her. Grabbing one more from the jar, I hold it in my fingers by the stem and offer it to her. Instead of taking the offered cherry with her hand, she opens her mouth. I feed it to her, holding onto the stem as she closes her lips around the cherry, and I feel her tongue flick across the tips of my fingers. We lock eyes as I suck the cherry juice off the fingers she just licked.

"You guys coming any day now?" Vivi's voice from the living room interrupts our moment, and we break the heated eye contact.

Carrying the bowls, we join Vivi in the living room, handing her a sundae. Vivi looks between her bowl and Sutton's. "I see how it is. Seems your stinginess with cherries only applies to the peasants."

Sutton looks at the pile of cherries in her bowl. "Does that make me the queen then?"

Vivi ignores the comment, picking up the remote to hit play on the TV. "I hope you like New Girl, Kelly. If you've never seen it, too bad. We are not pausing to fill you in. No asking questions on characters and love interests and plotlines. Figure it out or your invitation will be revoked. Ice cream will not buy you a free pass to be annoying."

"Hard to revoke an invitation that never existed." Sutton sticks her tongue out at me as she plops down in the middle of the couch next to her sister. Once I settle next to her, I try stealing a cherry from her bowl in retaliation for her rude comment, but she blocks the action with her spoon, covering her bowl with her whole body. I laugh, her ridiculousness easing more of the unease in the pit of my stomach.

At the end of the episode, Vivi stands and stretches her body, a yawn following. "All right, kids. It's about my bedtime." She picks up the empty bowls and carries them to the kitchen. A few moments later, she passes through the room again, stopping only briefly to say goodnight on the way to her bedroom.

Once we're alone, I snag the fuzzy throw blanket off the back of the couch and drape it over our laps, pulling Sutton closer to my body. On a sigh, she rests her head on my shoulder, snuggled tight against my side.

I'm not sure how many more episodes we watch. I'm barely paying attention. I only notice the way her body feels as it quakes with laughter against me. I've lost count on the number of times I've dipped my nose into her hair, not even trying to hide it when I take in big lungfuls of the scent. At some point, she snaked her cold hand under the hem of my shirt, and it gradually warmed against the skin of my stomach. Occasionally, she'll feather light touches with the pads of her fingers; and every time she does, I suck in a breath, willing the blood from wandering downtown and alerting the girl next to me just how much I like her touches.

At some point, I realize she's gone mostly still, and I glance down to see her eyelids fluttering closed as she fights off sleep. Placing a kiss on the top of her head, I begrudgingly announce it's probably time to call it a night. She tilts her head to look up at me, blinking those hauntingly blue eyes as she struggles to focus. I boop her nose, smiling at how cute a sleepy Sutton is.

I stand and pull her to her feet, wrapping the blanket snugly around her shoulders. Then I pull her into a hug, my lips pressed firmly to her temple. Before pulling out of the hug, I whisper, "I'm here while you process, Sutton. Don't hide from me, ok?"

With another kiss on her head, I pull out of the hug. "Sleep tight, baby girl."

-

INSTEAD OF GOING HOME, I POINT MY truck in the direction of my best friend's place. A glance at the clock on my dashboard tells me it's far past an appropriate time for a visit, but I ignore social niceties and park in the space next to Jensen's empty spot. Lights in the apartment above the office building tell me someone is home, so I kill the engine and climb the stairs, banging my fist against the apartment door.

Barking immediately sounds from inside, and the minute Teddy opens the door, Scout attacks my legs, his little tail wagging faster than his body can keep up.

"Kelly?" Teddy peers around the doorframe to look into the dark stairwell as if looking for something.

"It's just me."

"Jensen isn't here. I sent him out to get me tampons."

"What?" I chuckle at the thought of my friend in the feminine hygiene aisle at the store. "He buys you tampons?"

"Like any good boyfriend should." Teddy ushers me and the dog inside before closing the door. "He should be back any minute. Is something wrong? Is it Sutton? Did you fuck that up already?"

I shoot her a warning look over my shoulder as I walk through the open space of the loft apartment. Sinking into a stool at the kitchen counter, I drum my fingers over the surface. "Your confidence in me is so comforting, Chipmunk."

She snorts. "Don't say that nickname in front of J. Unless you want to piss him off, which I'm guessing you want to remain in his good graces until you work up the courage to unload a certain confession..." Her voice trails off as her eyebrows raise.

"We came up with that nickname for you together. As kids. He doesn't own it." I decide to stick to the safer topic and avoid the one she hinted at.

She waves the comment off, opening the fridge. "Beer?" she offers.

I decline the drink, and resume drumming my fingers on the counter. Teddy clocks the nervous habit. "You know," she says, leaning a hip against the counter opposite me, "you should give J the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, sure, he's hot-headed and stubborn, but we both know there's a soft teddy bear hiding inside. He's a gooey cinnamon roll."

"Is there a point in there somewhere?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Kelly. We can talk in circles and pretend like you don't if you prefer. But if you want my advice, you should do what's best for Kelly. Not Jensen. Like I was saying, give him the benefit of the doubt. It'll take him a bit to accept the new reality, but..."

Her sentence is cut off by Jensen bursting through the front door. "You are here," he says as he strolls through the apartment with a plastic bag in his hand. "I saw your truck and was confused."

He dips his head to press a quick kiss to Teddy's lips before handing the bag to her. "You're welcome."

She pushes him away. "I don't remember thanking you. But your friend here got a good chuckle out of you buying me tampons."

Jensen glares at me. "Was I supposed to let my girlfriend go out by herself at night to get them?"

Teddy scoffs. "I'm perfectly capable of going out by myself at night, thank you very much. I'm not a delicate flower." When Jensen wraps her up in his protective embrace, her back to his chest, she grins at me. "See, cinnamon roll."

"Speaking of going out at night, why the fuck are you here so late?" Jensen directs the question to me.

I remove my hat, raking a hand through my hair. My childhood friends notice the nervous habit. It's hard to hide from people you've known your whole life. "Have you talked to Sutton lately?"

"Why? What's going on?" Jensen's hackles are up, already in defense mode for his baby sister.

"I'm thinking the box of your mom's stuff has spooked her more than she's letting on. Maybe you can reach out?"

Jensen studies me, and in his silence, Teddy steps out of his arms to stand next to him. "What was in the box?" she asks.

I shake my head. "I don't really know, honestly. She didn't get into details. Besides the letter. But it's the letter that really shook her."

"What letter?" Jensen asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Shit, has Sutton really not talked to her family about this yet? I tug the brim of my hat lower over my eyes, instantly regretting this conversation. Finally, I meet my friend's eyes. "Look, she's probably going to be pissed at me for talking to you about this, so I'm not going to say much. But just talk to her, ok? I think she probably needs to talk this out with you even if she doesn't think she does."

"So you know what's best for her now?" His voice is sharp, and his gaze is intense. A challenge. I don't back down, keeping my eyes locked on his, I simply nod. A confirmation.

I rise from the stool, pulling my keys from my pocket. "Sorry to barge in so late, but I'm a little worried about her, to be honest. So if you could please just talk to her...?"

Jensen nods, the only confirmation he heard my request.

As I walk to the door, Teddy quickly follows, calling for the dog. She tells Jensen she's going to let Scout out one last time, and she follows me down the stairs. Once we're outside, she grabs my arm to stop me. "Wait, Kell."

"More advice?"

She ignores my grumpy tone, accustomed to my moods. "J isn't as blind as everyone thinks he is, and he sees more than he lets on. You probably scored brownie points coming tonight to give him a heads up about his sister, but don't be a complete imbecile and wait too long to do the right thing."

"And what's that, Teddy?" I ask with an edge to my tone, irritated with this conversation. "There's just one hard decision butted up against another hard decision. What would you do? Side with your lifelong friend who has only ever been a loyal family member to you? Or chase after the one person who has ever made you feel anything resembling happiness? What's your impossible choice, Teddy?"

When she doesn't answer, I shake my head to try to rid the frustration bubbling up. "It's easy to have all the answers from your safety bubble of finally being with your person, Teddy, but it's not all happily ever after for every single person on the planet. Some people have to settle for stolen seconds and secret fantasies."

She laughs, and it's a bitter sound in the stale air. I decide I've had enough and turn to leave. Her next words hit me from behind, and I pause, my back stiff, shoulders shoved up to my ears. 

"If you really believe that, you're worse off than I thought, Kelly. Maybe you're a lost cause after all. Go be all doom and gloom in your dungeon all by your lonesome. But," she warns, "just know that your girl will eventually brush herself off and try again. With her being a catch, it's only a matter of time before she's snatched up. Can you honestly say you will be able to sit on the sidelines and watch her story unfold with someone else?"

I cringe, visibly restraining my temper. She ignores me and calls to Scout before adding, "Remember this, Kelly. This is only the tip of the iceberg of your future if you shit the bed and let her slip through your fingers. Don't be an idiot. Do the right thing."

Turning to face her, I give her a tortured look. "How do I reconcile my 'right thing' against the one person who's always been there without question?"

"By giving him the benefit of the doubt, Kelly. Do you honestly think he'd hate you forever?"

"Yes," I admit softly, my head bowed under the admission. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of."

"I guess you might be dumber than I thought then."

Before she can walk away, I ask, "Are you sure, Teddy? Like 100% sure? Because this is a huge gamble. How do I make this decision?"

She shrugs, taking a few steps backward, her dog yipping around her feet. "It's less about what percentage I'm sure and more about what percentage you're willing to risk and with what consequences."

When she spins around and begins walking away, I call after her, "You've been as helpful as a slug, Teddy! Thanks for all your invaluable insight. Remind me to go to you for advice never!"

At the entrance to the stairs, she turns to me one last time. "I can't make this choice for you, Kelly. But Jensen told me you gave him some good advice once that I want to remind you of. Shit or get off the pot. You and I both know our girl deserves better than this. You deserve better than this. Take J out of the equation, what is your choice? Go with that."

"To hell with J then?"

She shakes her head in exasperation. "You know Jensen will always be my priority. I would never discount his feelings. You and he share some special bond. And between the two of us, we know him best. But you must also know that I see the bigger picture, big enough to recognize you're both being idiots. Put yourself first for once. The rest will work out. I promise."

"You promise, huh?" I cringe at the way my voice breaks, the vulnerability leaking out into the silent night.

"As much as I can guarantee such a thing, yes, I promise. Go get your girl, Kelly." Then she leaves me standing alone, the darkness a cloak to my spiraling mental state.