Sutton

I ABSENTLY DIG MY FINGER UNDER THE metal claw clip digging into my scalp, fighting the urge to rip it from my head. I awoke late this morning, my mood so grumpy Vivi questioned whether I was PMSing early, so I didn't have time to deal with my hair. I settled on throwing it up in a clip hoping to avoid the headache that a ponytail or messy bun usually gives me.

"Hey, sugar," Mary says as she walks up next to me in The Flower Shop. She's an elderly lady that works with me a few mornings a week; and normally I enjoy her company, but today I'd prefer being alone to stew in my sour mood. In fact, I've been in a similar mood all week. I can pinpoint the exact moment the mood started, but I'd rather not let my mind wander back to that moment yet again for the millionth time. I'm quite sick of reliving it, to be honest, the memory of his lips on mine aggravating me beyond measure.

"Hey, Mary." I attempt a smile, but I'm sure the lifeless way my lips curve upward is not fooling this astute lady. "You done for the day?"

She studies me while she unties the straps of the apron. "It's a boy, isn't it?"

When I only blink at her, she sighs. "Boys are a necessary evil, I'm afraid. They bring as much bad as they do good sometimes. Is yours at least worth the bad?"

"He isn't mine," I declare in a toneless voice, turning away from her. I busy myself with the empty vases on the shelf, arranging them in a tidy row.

"Well, in that case," she says, placing a wrinkled hand on my shoulder, "round up some girls and drink until he's a distant memory."

She laughs at the shocked expression on my face. "I might be old, sugar, but I wasn't always. I've lived long enough to recognize heartache when I see it."

Blowing out a breath, I shake my head, but then I consider her idea. "Yeah, maybe you're right, Mary. Maybe I just need some girl time."

Once she's gone, I pull out my phone and scroll through my messages to locate the chat with my sisters.

ME: I'm invoking my emergency sisterhood card.

VIVI: That's rather dramatic, even for you, Sutton.

JJ: What's going on?

ME: Tonight. Slumber party at my place. Bring snacks and lots and lots of alcohol.

VIVI: It's Friday. We're skipping Roxy's?

ME: Definitely. This isn't a Roxy's kind of sisterhood emergency.

JJ: Well fuck. I'll get the tequila.

VIVI: I'll get the ice cream.

ME: I knew I could count on you bitches.

VIVI: Always, sis. Always.

Now I need to decide just how much I divulge. Do I tell them about my idiotic plan to meet with my mother's ex with the pretense of needing legal advice? Or the way he looked me over before declaring his outrageously expensive fee to retain him? His judgy, smarmy eyes telling me without ever expressing with words how he doubts I could afford him.

Since I hadn't gotten ready that morning with the knowledge that I'd be meeting with the family lawyer that day, I dressed the way I normally would for work in denim short overalls and a bright yellow shirt. I'd gotten the call as I was leaving the farm for my doctor's appointment that there was an opening in Stifelman's schedule and he could meet with me that afternoon instead of next month as arranged the day before. I didn't consider my clothing choices when I accepted the appointment; and, apparently, that had been my fatal error.

One look at me, and the lawyer boxed me into the lowly category of being beneath him. He barely said two sentences to me, but the judgement was plain as day. He didn't have time for clients who couldn't afford him.

I've gone over the brief encounter several times by now, and I'm still not positive why his judgement cut so deep. I don't normally react so strongly to narrow-minded assholes. The only explanation that makes sense is that he was once important to my mom and maybe I unknowingly sought his approval.

The whole experience has left me with even more questions than before. The chief one being how could my mother be with someone like him?

And to top off the already confusing cake, in swoops Kelly. Why was he even there? Probably my meddling sister. His timing was impeccable; and I can't decide whether I'm grateful for it or wish I could have slunk off in secret to lick my wounds. Because now on top of being caught in uncertainty where my deceased mother is concerned, I'm drowning in a sea of mixed emotions about the guy who keeps seeming to catch me off guard, my feelings oscillating between confusion to anger to elation all the way back to confusion and repeat the cycle over and over and over again.

Why the hell did he kiss me? Before that moment I was managing my stupid crush. I could live on denial island and pretend my feelings for him didn't exist. But now I can't wash the very vivid memory of his lips on mine from my brain. It's hard to survive on denial island while a photo reel of the best kiss of my life is on a constant loop in my brain.

I bend to bang my head against the table, trying to rid the thoughts. "Why won't you just go away?" I groan into the cool surface. "Be gone!"

An incoming text buzzes next to my head on the table, interrupting my spiraling thoughts. It's a picture of the ice cream cartons in the freezer section at the store.

VIVI: Flavor?

ME: All of them.

JJ: I got the tea-spilling juice. Tonight is looking to be interesting.

I smile at the incoming selfie of JJ kissing a bottle of tequila. Coming in directly after her text is a selfie of Vivi hugging an armful of ice cream cartons. Tucking my phone into my pocket, I set about locking up the shop so I can go home to my girls. I realize the sleepover is as much a tactic to avoid the man blowing up my brain as much as it is a much-needed night to unwind, but I can't even care at this point. I need to do something to purge this bad mood before I explode.

-

I CAN ALMOST FEEL THE MUSIC PUMPING out of my house when I walk up to the front door. Apparently, they started without me. The house is lit up from the outside, the windows glowing in the semi-dark night. I stand on the stoop for a minute, considering the story I'd invent on one of my walks, but before I get the chance to fully develop it, the front door flies open to reveal my cousin.

JJ grins at me before pulling me inside. The music is even louder in the house, and I fight the urge to run and hide in my room. Vivi emerges from the kitchen carrying two mismatched coffee mugs and shoves one into my hand. Mine is bright yellow with a drawing of a sun flipping the bird with one hand and a conversation bubble that reads: I'm a ray of fucking sunshine.

"Drink up," she says, clinking her cup against mine. Hers is bright pink that says "Hot Stuff" with flirty cursive letters.

I sniff the drink and notice a citrusy smell. "What is this?" I ask as I take a tentative sip. Once the first taste goes down smoothly, I take a bigger drink.

"Tequila Sunrise," JJ answers, lifting her own coffee mug to her lips. As she takes a drink out of the mint cup, I spy the words, "How you brewin'?"

"You know, Sutton," Vivi says as she crosses the room and turns the music down a few notches. "We should really invest in some proper drinking glasses."

"I don't know. I'm rather fond of a huge handle to hang on to while I drink." JJ demonstrates by slamming the contents of her cup. "Less chance of spilling."

Taking another generous drink, I pass through the living room, calling behind me, "I'll be right back. Gotta get comfy."

In the semi-quiet of my bedroom, I set the cup on my dresser and dig in a deep drawer for my favorite sleep shorts and a loose-fitting tank top. First things first, though, I rip the claw clip from my head and massage my fingers over my sensitive scalp, sighing in relief. Avoiding all mirrors—no need to see the state of my appearance—I dress quickly and then empty the tequila drink before joining the girls in the living room.

I shake my empty cup at them. "Refill anyone?"

"That's my girl. Drink up that tea-spilling juice!" JJ chirps before taking my cup. She's already exchanged her usual business professional clothes—typically a tight pencil skirt and flirty blouse—for black leggings and a red crop top. Her blonde hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and glasses adorning her bare face, scrubbed clean of her usual makeup. She understood the assignment for tonight's slumber party.

As Vivi and I follow our cousin into the kitchen, I notice Vivi shed her work clothes as well, opting for a proper pajama shorts set. We've always been so different, our unique personality traits both drawing us together and causing rifts, depending on the minute of the day.

I sink onto a stool at the counter to watch my cousin mix orange juice, tequila, and grenadine into all three of our cups. Once we all have our drinks, we lift the coffee mugs.

"What are we drinking to?" Vivi asks.

"To the very best sisters a girl could ask for," I say.

"Too sappy," JJ argues. "To a night of debauchery."

We clink glasses and then take large gulps of the sugary drink.

"So," Vivi says, sitting in the stool next to me. "I ordered pizza so we don't drink ourselves sick on empty stomachs. But while we wait for it to be delivered, why don't you tell us why you pulled the emergency sisterhood card?"

Shaking my head, I avoid the question by taking another drink. "Nope. Too soon. The name of the game right now is to forget, forget, forget."

I notice my stepsister and cousin exchange looks, but I decide to ignore it. "Come on," I say, hopping off the stool and breezing through the room. "Let's go to the living room and play a drinking game."

Once we're situated in the room—JJ and Vivi on the old worn couch we snatched for a steal at a garage sale before moving into this house and me opposite them on the floor crisscross applesauce in front of the equally worn coffee table—I grin at them over the rim of my coffee mug. "Never Have I Ever."

"Lame," JJ whines. "We already know practically everything about each other."

"Do we now?" I ask, lifting my eyebrows at them.

"Fine," JJ relents, "but the minute it becomes a snoozefest, we're switching to something cooler."

"I'll start," Vivi says. "Never have I ever dumped someone over text."

JJ swats her with a throw pillow. "You can't just say things you know the others have done to get us drunk. That's cheating."

"Drink up, bitches!" When both JJ and I drink, Vivi howls with laughter. "If you don't want your shitty choices thrown in your face, put on your big girl panties next time and dump them to their damn faces! Who does that anyway? Such a chickenshit way to break up with someone."

"It was years ago, Viv! I've grown and matured since then!" I yell in my defense. "And I've only done it the once. JJ has done it multiple times. She's a serial text dumper."

JJ chuckles, not looking even a little bit remorseful. "Hey, it's better than ghosting. Maybe only slightly, but still, it counts. Which brings me to my turn. Never have I ever ghosted someone."

Vivi groans. "He was a creep! Definitely stalker vibes. I needed a clean break."

"Uh huh, drink up," JJ says, gloating.

I laugh as I watch the exchange. "Ok, my turn. Never have I ever hooked up with two different guys on the same night."

"Like a threesome?" JJ asks. "Need further clarification."

Vivi and I exchange glances before cracking up. "I feel like there's a story there," I say, "but, no, not a threesome. Like you hookup with a guy at one part of the night and then a different one later."

When neither of them drink, I scoff. "Really? Never? Fine." When I take a drink, they roar with laughter.

"Sutton! Spill!" Vivi demands.

"Which time? What?" I ask defensively when they're gaping at me. "I went to college. With frat parties. Did you guys not go to frat parties?"

"Listen," JJ says, tucking her legs under her. "I'm not judging. I'm just surprised. I've had my share of wild nights. You do you."

"Would a threesome be included in your wild nights?" I ask my cousin.

"It's not your turn and you didn't phrase it as a Never Have I Ever. Viv, it's onto you," JJ says, avoiding the question.

With a laugh, Vivi says, "Never have I ever had a threesome."

Vivi leaps off the couch when JJ tries to hit her with the pillow again. "Fine," she whines, taking a large drink. "One time in college I found myself in a situation where two dudes were trying to pick me up. I couldn't pick a favorite, so I chose both."

"Two guys?" Vivi asks with wide eyes, settling back onto the couch. "I was picturing it differently. I don't know, two girls and a guy, I guess. Did the guys...interact?"

"Interact?" JJ falls back onto the couch laughing loudly. "Jesus, Viv. Your prude is showing. Yes, they interacted. A lot. It was hot." She fans herself thinking of the memory. "Anywho...my turn. Never have I ever been with another girl."

We all eye each other waiting to see if anyone drinks, and when no one does, we all laugh.

The game is interrupted by the doorbell. Vivi grabs the pizza from the delivery guy and plunks the box onto the coffee table. I disappear into the kitchen to collect paper plates and napkins and all the Tequila Sunrise ingredients.

"Who needs a refill?"

Once we're settled with food and drinks, I resume the game. "Never have I ever had sex in a public place."

Both JJ and I take a drink, and Vivi asks, "Where? And with who?"

JJ waves her off. "Too many to name. Plenty of cars. Bathroom at a bar. Breakroom at work."

"Wait, wait, wait," Vivi says. "What job? Because if you say the breakroom at the farm, I will gag."

"Shit, then I guess you don't want me to list mine," I say with an evil cackle.

"Sutton! Shut up! With who? When? We eat there!"

"Careful, Viv. Your prude is showing again," JJ says between bites of pizza.

Vivi's face warms from the chastisement. "Just because I like to keep my sex confined to spaces that aren't meant for eating, doesn't make me a prude, JJ."

"You might enjoy sex more if you let loose a bit," JJ comments offhandedly, but I rush in to quickly change the subject because I know it's a touchy one.

"Ok, moving along. Your turn, Vivi."

My stepsister takes a big bite of pizza, stalling as she composes herself. I take the opportunity to shoot my cousin a harsh look. We may be grown women, but we can still fight like the teenagers we used to be, knowing exactly which scabs to pick at.

Finally, Vivi says, "Never have I ever seen a male family member sporting their birthday suits...with their flags flying proudly, if you know what I mean. And," she clarifies, "I don't mean when we were young and we were forced to bathe together. I'm talking fully matured bodies."

JJ and I exchange horrified expressions. "What the fuck, Viv?" I ask. "Either there's a story here or you are disturbed."

"Unfortunately, there's a story," she admits, taking a drink. When she's slow to elaborate, I wave my hand in a circle to move her along.

"It was Sully," she says in a rush, squeezing her eyes shut tight. "I didn't mean to, and it haunts me to this day."

"You saw Sully and, um, Little Sully?" JJ asks, and when Vivi simply nods, she throws her head back and laughs hysterically. "Wait," she suddenly says. "How little was Little Sully? What are we talking about here?" She uses her hands to demonstrate possible sizes.

"JJ!" Vivi screams with a horrified look on her face. "That's disgusting."

"If it didn't feel slightly incestual, I could admit he's yum," I say with a laugh about our foster brother. "He's all tatted up and bad boy broody. I could see his appeal."

Vivi gags. "He's like our brother."

JJ scoffs. "He's not my brother."

I study my cousin a moment. "You know," I hedge, a slow grin curving my lips. "You two are always bickering. It's either a sibling type bickering or..."

"Oh please," she says, rolling her eyes. "He's an infuriating POS. And if we're going there, why don't we talk about how you and a certain brother's best friend are always bickering?"

I throw the crust of the pizza slice I was eating into the box and slam the lid closed. Getting to my feet, I snatch the pizza box off the table and stalk off toward the kitchen. "Not talking about that," I call over my shoulder.

"Shit," I hear JJ say behind me. "There's obviously something to talk about, though, right?"

I cram the pizza box into the nearly empty refrigerator with a huff and groan when I'm unable to will my thoughts away from the topic that's plagued me since Tuesday. Running my fingertips over my lips, I scrunch my eyes closed in protest. Why won't my mind just shut up about him? The kiss—excuse me, kisses, plural—being at the forefront of my thoughts.

I can recall in vivid detail the way his lips felt against mine, the possessive yet tender way his tongue caressed mine, the way his arms caged me in, the feel of my body pressed to his.

Ugh, stop, I chastise myself, banging a fist against my head. Stop, stop, stop.

The last thing I need is to keep examining every last detail, starting with how he turned his hat around and gripped my neck, ending with the way his tense body seemed to almost reject me afterwards, his fists clenched in tight vises.

I felt the way he kissed me. He can claim it was out of a sense of protection. But his body told a completely different story, his lips and hands making him a liar. I'm not sure which is worse—his denial or rejection.

And the saddest part of it all is how much I fucking miss him. It's only been three days since we last talked. I didn't realize how much I've come to like our random text conversations filled with our familiar banter. The silence feels so loud.

When I return to the living room, my sisters are bent over an ivory-colored canvas tote that sits on the coffee table in front of them. JJ is holding a bunch of random pieces of folded paper in one hand, the other holding a scrap of notebook paper up to her face. She reads it out loud and then throws her head back in laughter.

"Oh good grief, these are so corny they're almost cute," she declares, tossing the paper back into the tote and unfolding another one.

"The sparkle in your eye is so bright, the sun and stars must be jealous," she reads with a snicker. "There's even a drawing." She holds the paper out to me as I return to my seat on the floor. I take it from her and realize it's a receipt from the local gas station dated a few weeks ago. I flip it over to the back and see the sketch of a sun with big, sparkling eyes.

Kneeling before the tote, I stir a hand through all the mismatched scraps of paper and then look at my stepsister. "What the fuck, Viv? You never said you got this many. This is like a stalker amount."

She shrugs. "They just keep appearing. There's no rhyme or reason to it. I tried keeping a log of when I got them to determine a pattern. But there isn't one. They're as random as the notes themselves."

"No shit. They're somewhere between positive affirmations and corny pickup lines," JJ declares, discarding the stash of notes back into the tote and falling back onto the couch with a sigh. "And you have no idea who they're from?"

"Nope," she says, shaking her head. She plops the lid onto the tote and stashes it under the coffee table. "No freaking clue."

"And you're positive they're from the same person who was sending them to you in high school?" I ask as I mix myself another drink.

"Like 99.9% certain. I mean, what are the chances I have two weirdo admirers in my life?" She shudders and then takes a drink from her coffee mug. I study her for a moment, watching to see her genuine reaction seep through, and there it is—a teeny, tiny hint of a smile creases her lips. Deny it all she wants, but I'm pretty sure she likes the idea of a secret admirer. Why else keep all the notes tucked safely in a tote?

"Anywho..." Vivi says, quick to change the subject. "Enough stalling, Sutton. What is going on with you? You've been bitchier than usual and now you call this emergency sisterhood BS. Spill already."

I fall back onto my butt with a groan, lowering my head to the table to hide from their prying eyes. When I refuse to engage, Vivi continues her interrogation. "I mean, you and Kelly have been spending an awful lot of time together lately. Can we at least talk about that?"

"Or," JJ pipes in. "Let's talk about the way he covered you up with his shirt the other night at Roxy's."

My head pops up to see JJ smirking at me, and Vivi laughs. "You mean the shirt she constantly wears around the house, sniffing the collar like a little doggie in heat."

I laugh despite myself. "Shut up. I do not do that." Lies. I definitely do that.

"Look," JJ begins, pausing to take a drink from her mug. "Every single person alive knows how you feel about the guy. It's written all over your face. It's a well-known fact. We know it. You know it. Hell, I'm pretty sure Kelly knows it. The thing that seems to have changed lately is that maybe perhaps Kelly is doing a little bit more than just knowing it, if you know what I mean."

I hide my head on the coffee table again with a loud plunk. "He kissed me," I blurt out, my words muffled against the wood surface.

"What?" Vivi yells and then screeches. I lift my head to see her pawing at her wet clothes. Apparently, she spilled in her excitement. "Dammit," she curses, but then abandons her clothes to level her eyes at me. "What did you just say?"

"He kissed me, you guys. Twice." I stare at my sisters with wide, pleading eyes, and I blink when I feel the burn of tears. A few trickle down my cheeks. I don't bother to wipe them away. "He kissed me, but then he took it back. Claims it was to shield me or protect me or some bullshit. But I call his bullshit because those kisses weren't fake. They were real. Super fucking real. Which really fucking sucks because now I know I'm 100% ruined because there's no possible way any guy could ever even come close to comparing to the way Kelly kissed me."

More tears stream down my cheeks. I rub the moisture away with angry swipes. Vivi and JJ sit quietly on the couch, looking at me without speaking. Finally, Vivi whispers, "Oh, Sutton."

I blow out a deep, steadying breath. "So now you know why I invoked the emergency sisterhood card."

JJ holds up her mug. "Shit, we need to drink more."

I clink my mug against hers. "No truer words."

Vivi looks inside her empty cup and then down to her wet pajamas. "First, I change. Then, we drink. And let's not forget the ice cream."

As we laugh, my phone buzzes on the coffee table. My heartrate doubles with the thought that our three-day no-talking strike may have ended, but then my whole body instantly deflates when I see it's a text from Teddy, not the man responsible for my terrible mood.

TEDDY: Where is everyone? It's a ghost town at Roxy's.

ME: Vivi, JJ and I are having a slumber party at my place.

ME: Why? Who else is missing?

I bite the skin around my thumbnail, nerves fluttering in my stomach, as I wait for confirmation of my suspicions.

TEDDY: Kelly is suspiciously absent as well. Know anything about that?

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, relief washing over me. Could Kelly be avoiding me just like I am avoiding him? A small smile curves my lips at the thought that maybe the kiss affected him more than he let on, but it instantly fades before it completely takes root when pangs in my stomach remind me how I feel about his avoidance. It sucks to want to both hide from him forever but also miss him like crazy. Would it hurt him to send one of his patronizing texts telling me to behave? Or one of his sweet ones wishing me goodnight?