It occurred to me that maybe the want is there to fill the void of the unfound need. At samantalang hindi pa dumating ang isang pangangailangan, dito muna ako sa aking gusto. Gwyneth was a want. I still have yet to figure out how Davina became a need to me.

Kasi oo nga naman, ano nga ba ang makukuha kong pangangailangan mula sa kanya? If it's only a one way affection. An unrequited feeling. You're the only one who gives. You'd never be able to get the other half of what you need.

My wants became useless when Davina came along.

As her ethereal and supple lips molded against mine, beyond need was being fulfilled. This overwhelms the soul. I couldn't ask for anything better than to stay. The place be damned, but I'm with Davina so right here and right now with her transcends heaven.

I felt her slight shiver as I slid down the strap of her brassiere. I gently kissed her shoulders, then down to her collar bones. I rolled us over making her place beneath me.

"This is making love, Vin. And I don't make love to the women I am just attracted to. You are not an attraction anymore. You're a world wonder. You know...the kind of painting that I want to take home, tapos isasabit ko sa kwarto ko."

Mahina siyang tumawa. "How about the girls you are attracted to...?"

"Iiwan ko lang sila sa museum.They're the kind of paintings that I like, but not enough for me to take home." And I kissed her.

I could never move on from this. This kiss is written in blood. On my skin and in my heart.

"So wala na nga kayo?' malademonyong humalakhak si Denver na masigla akong tinabihan sa couch. "What are we waiting for? Let's party!" hiyaw niya at tinakbo ang kusina nila Evan.

I don't know who's idea is this, pero napagdesisiyunan naming dito pumunta ngayon. Na-distract ako bigla sa ingay ni Denver sa kusina na kumukuha na ng mga baso habang kumakanta.

Talking about reconciliation, my break up with Gwyneth put him in a good mood. Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung saan galing ang pagkaayaw niya sa kanya. Not that it mattered but, curiosity eats me at times.

"Dito na lang tayo! Ayaw bumaba!" sigaw ni Riley mula sa taas. Nakahilig ito sa railing na konektado sa hagdanan.

Tumango ako at tumayo na.

"Den, sunod ka na lang! Sa taas kami." Tawag ko habang papaakyat na ng hagdan.

"Help me out here, asshole! Ang dami kaya nitong dala ko."

Napairap ako sa hangin at pinuntahan siya sa kusina. True enough, hindi lang beer ang balak niyang dalhin. Anong gagawin namin sa Vodka sa ganitong oras? It's three in the afternoon! May ulam at kanin pa! We only need finger foods.

"Akin na nga!" Hinablot ko ang mga inumin at siya ang pinadala ko ng mga pagkain.

"Anong nangyari? Bakit kayo naghiwalay? C'mon! Give me the bites!"

Napailing na lang ako sa hindi maawat na pamimilit ni Denver na tumatalon-talon pa. Pumasok na kami sa kwarto ni Evan at natagpuan sila ni Riley sa terrace. Saktong natapos ang kanilang usapan nang dumating kami.

"It's not working out," tanging sinabi ko at binaba na ang mga dala sa mesa. They know better than believe my answer.

"Mas matagal pa iyong panliligaw mo kesa sa naging relasyon niyo. Bungga!"

Tumawa si Riley at nagbukas ng isang bote. Nilingon ko si Evan at ikinagulat ko ang pangingitim ng ilalim ng mga mata niya.

"Holy hell, Evan! Are you dying?"

"Thanks," pagod niyang sabi.

Parang may taning na ang buhay niya. He just looks so pale and weak. Sinuri ko ang mga alcoholic drinks sa mesa. Hindi ba 'to bawal sa kanya?

Tinapik ako ni Denver dahil dadaan ito. Umupo ako at inusog ang silya, hinayaan siyang sumiksik sa pagitan ng silya ko at ng glass door upang makatawid sa kabila.

"Ang laki mong lalake kasi! Naiipit ka tuloy diyan." Tawa ko.

Tinulak niya ang ulo ko. "Usog ka pa!"

"My intestine's in knots!" naiipit na rin ang tiyan ko sa mesa. Habang nangyayari iyon ay nagbukas ako ng chichirya.

Dumaing si Denver nang sa wakas ay makatawid at umupo sa tapat ni Evan. Sana sinama ko si Davina, but then she's probably busy tattooing. Pero gusto ko talaga siyang puntahan, e. Mom has been bothering me regarding my masterals but that can wait. Ayaw ko namang ipilit ang sarili ko sa bagay na hindi pa ako handa. I'd be ready to study again eventually. But first, Davina.

"I don't even wash my own underwear let alone die for her!" biglang bulalas ni Denver tungkol sa bagong dini-date niya ngayon.

"Life motto mo," biglang tanong ni Evan na makahulugang tinitigan ang kaharap. He looks deadly with that shadow underneath his eyes. Ang gulo pa ng buhok, mukhang galing nakipagpatayan.

Nahuli ko si Riley na sumilip sa cards ni Denver. Wala siyang nahalata dahil nagsasalin ito ng inumin sa red cup.

"Hole's the goal!" hiyaw niya. Natawa ako.

"Jaxon, favorite thing?"

Bumagsak ang tawa ko at kinunutan si Evan. We're playing cards but he's asking questions from girly slum books.

"Reclining chair," sabi ko na lang at kumuha ng baraha. Nanindig ang balahibo ko nang maalala iyon. I'll keep that our secret. They don't have to know why.

"Bakit reclining chair?" Ningiwian ako ni Denver.

Ngumuso ako. "Favorite ko." At nagtapon ng magkakaparehong cards.

"Bakit nga?"

Nagkibit ako. Hinayaan niya lang. I let him think that it's just a random and inconsequential reason.

Nang biglang humalakhak si Evan. Sabay umikot ang paningin naming tatlo sa kanya.

"Bakit?"

Sa mga baraha niya siya nakatitig. "I know why..."

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. H-how... there's no way he would know! Unless he's pretending to know something and is only trapping me. So I quickly schooled my features to bland disinterest.

Ngunit mas lalo lang siyang humalakhak!

"Kahit kailan Jaxon hinding-hindi ka naging mysterious sa paningin ko. Your eyes couldn't hold secrets, man," aniya.

"Oh...kay. I think I get it." ngisi ni Riley at nilagitik ang mga baraha ng mga daliri niya.

"Hala! Ako, hindi pa!" Denver whined. "Fill me in, dickheads!"

"Talaga, Jax?" Hinihimas ni Evan ang panga niya. "Hindi man lang umabot sa..."

Sinampal ko ang mga baraha sa mesa at tumayo. "I'm done!" anunsyo ko.

Lalo silang naghagalpakan. Di ko inasahang makukuha iyon ni Evan! Ang talino ng ugok! Bakit naman kasi iyon ang sinabi ko? Kung sinabi ko na lang na ballpen, e hindi ako mabibisto! Bullshit.

Maingay kong pinulot ang mga walang laman na wrapper ng junk foods saka inubos ang beer ko. I have to get out of here before they could fish out a shit ton of information.

"Wait! I think I'm getting it! You and Davina...?" Namilog ang mga mata ni Denver. Tss, pa-virgin pa 'tong isa! May kinumpas siya sa kamay niya na mas nagpahagalpak pa sa dalawa.

"Bakit ko sasabihin sa 'yo?" asik ko.

"Kasi nagtatanong ako," nakangising aso niyang ganti.

Inirapan ko siya at umalis na dala ang mga basura. Humiyaw ang lintik.

"Manglibre ka Jaxon! Hindi ka na virgin!"

Hinubad ko ang aking tsinelas at binato sa kanya. Tumatawa siyang umiwas. "Bakit ikaw, nanglibre ka ba?"

"Bakit ako manglilibre eh birhen pa ako."

"Virgin my ass! Who would believe you?" Nilakihan ko ang bukas ng pinto.

"I did third base! So technically, You're the first one to get to be deflowered, Jaxon."

"I'm not! Wala akong sinabi!" Umiinit ang mukha ko. So that speaks for something to them.

Umiling siya at pinanliitan ako ng mata. "What the fucking ever. Wala ka rin namang itinanggi! So how does it feel? Any advice for virgins like us?" Nagtaas-baba siya ng kilay.

"At anong alam mo sa virginity ng dalawang iyan?" Natatawa kong turo sa dalawa.

"Hindi na ba? Kayong dalawa?" inosente niyang tanong.

Pinakawalan na ni Evan ang mga baraha at bumulanghit sapo ang kanyang tiyan. Nilamon ng pamumula ng mukha niya ang putla kanina. Riley's grinning at his cards while nursing his drink.

"Bakit namin sasabihin sa'yo?" si Riley at ngising uminom sa baso.

Lalong nasira ang mukha ni Denver nang binalingan ako. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

"So kaming tatlo yata ang magpapayo sa 'yo, bunso," pang-aasar ko.

"Fuck you, Jaxon!" At tinapon pabalik sa akin ang tsinelas ko.

Nagtawanan kami at lumabas na ako ng kwarto. Patuloy akong umiiling habang bumababa ng hagdan, inaasahang mapapaypay nito paalis ang panginginit ng mukha ko.

Damn this. Sana talaga ballpen na lang ang sinabi ko!

I went to Davina that day. Kulang na lang sa bahay niya ako tumira. I have actually planned on staying every night at umuwi sa amin sa weekends. But that would worry my mom.

But Davina feels like home. Gustong gusto ko iyong tinititigan niya ako. Especially now that she has shown me her face without the dark colors.

In her deep-set, sultry, doe eyes, it already felt like she was seeping my soul to her inner world. And I'm trapped. Around the grating bars that is her heart. I'm her only prisoner that would never ever think of escape. Because in her world, I love to be jailed.

There I saw at the back of those dark lines and shadows are broken windows of the soul. So I have to go in the door. Her heart.

If she ever loves me the same way I do, I hope her slim frame has enough strength to carry the feeling. Because the love I'm giving her is too much, she might strain her slender arms.

Until the world had a throughgoing spin to its axis by Tori's death. A best friend. A sister. One of the few ones who accepted Davina's flaws.

Masakit sa aking makita na hindi siya nagsasalita. She didn't even talk to me and I understand that. Kaya hindi ako umuuwi sa amin. Tumira ako sa bahay niya. I don't want to leave her while she's mourning. And I tried my damnedest not to attack those people talking crap against her everytime I attend the wake.

She cried in my arms. I bottled her tears in my heart and every drop sliced a wound within. I hurt for her. I have a share in her heartaches. Because like I said, her pain is my pain.

Magpapabugbog ako sa kamao ng realidad. Ako ang pinapasaya mo pero lahat ng natitirang kasiyahan mo ay pinamigay mo naman sakin. Gusto kong ibigay lahat sayo para makita kang nakangiti. Iyong totoong ngiti mo.

Kung trabaho lang itong ginagawa ko, hindi pera ang kailangan kong suweldo kung 'di ang kasiyahan mo, Davina. At ang pagmamahal mo.

I'm a man, and my pride matters to me. But I just risk it for just this woman. One woman who has the power of breaking my heart. And Davina, you just proved that to me.

"Tignan mo ako, Jaxon. Malakas ka? Huwag kang umiyak! Huwag mo akong iyakan!"

Nanghihina man ay sinikap kong makatayo upang lapitan siya. Wala akong maintindihan kung paano nagkaganito. What did I do? Ngunit nawala lahat ng pag aanalisa ko nang makita ko kung ano ang ginagawa niya.

She inhaled that white substance. But it just blows the remaining sanity that I'm trying to pull a tight rein in.

"That's enough. Tama na, Davina. Tama na, nasasaktan na ako. Tagos sa buto, Vin. Tama na..."

Inuugoy ko siya kasama ng mahigpit kong yakap. I just wanna squeeze out every evil that seemed to posses her for acting like this. Did that Angelov guy influenced her to use drugs? I don't know...ayokong isipin na hinayaan niya ang sariling maimpluwensyahan ng ganito. Na hindi ako naging sapat upang mapunan ang kakulangan na dinadamdam niya.

Hindi ko siya binitawan sa kabila ng kanyang pagpupumiglas. Lumuhod na ako, nagmakaawa na itigil na niya ang ginagawa. This is not her. It's the illegal chemicals talking and not my Vinnie. Please, bring my Vinnie back.

"Look at yourself, Jaxon. Ngayon pa lang sinisira na kita. Wala akong nararamdaman habang umiiyak ka diyan. Get up! I don't do boys who cry."

Umiling ako at pilit tinataboy ang mga salita niyang pasukin ang tenga ko. I don't wanna hear the painful words, Vin. They're just words. They could be an empty threat. Kung gusto mo akong saktan, patayin mo na lang ako!

Why are you trying to hurt me? Kahit anong sagot na ang mga naiisip ko na posibleng dahilan mo ay hindi mabisa para sa akin so I wanna hear yours, Davina!

Hinila ko siya upang magpantay kami. Desperado na ako. Kung ito man ang paraan upang maibalik siya sa dati, then I'm going to squeeze the emotions out of her by showing my desperate ones. My pride is on the line here, and a single fuck is not given that I let it break at once with my heart.

"I love you...Please, huwag mong gawin 'to...tama na." I cried, not because it's the last resort. I cried, because I'm scared to lose her tonight. And the next nights, days or even years.

Kung pagbibigyan ko siya na lalayo ako ngayon, bukas ay babalik ako. Babalikan ko siya at pag-uusapan ulit namin ito. She can't leave like this without pointing out a sensible reason. Kung paggamit lang ng bawal na gamot ang rason niya, I would help her seek help. I would wipe out her guilt away. I would bloat her self esteem. I would shrink her insecurities. I would put up with her mood swings. Everything! I would bend over backwards except leave her!

This isn't how I pictured ourselves tonight. Kasi ibang-iba ito sa nangyari sa amin kagabi at kanina. We were both happy, dancing, laughing...those were the scenes I have envisioned for us for the rest of our lives.

Not this...

"I love you...sabihin mong mahal mo ako Davina at hindi ako aalis dito."

I kissed her too many times in the hopes of bringing back her sanity. Nandito ang presensya mo Davina pero nasaan ang puso mo? I want your heart back with me. The heart that loves me. Not this heart and presence of yours that's killing me.

But she cast the first stone.

"Your emotions are talking, Jaxon."

Curses my wounds.

"We can't live on love alone, Jax. We can't live on just love alone. Hindi tayo bubuhayin ng pagmamahal mo! Hindi ako mabubuo ng pagmamahal mo! Heck! I don't even love you. I just needed you!"

Tore me to shreds and my heart's on the floor.

"I only fucked you. You fucked me back with feelings."

And I'm done. She pulled me to her only to break me and made me lose myself.

Here I thought you were the furthest thing a heartbreaker as I'll ever meet, Davina. But you never were the closest thing either.

You are the heartbreak.

Kung sa bawat iyak mo ay sugat sa damdamin ko, you couldn't even afford to do the same. Am I tricking myself after all, then? Wala nga ba siyang nararamdaman sa akin? I thought it's worth the risk but I guess what's worth it here was for her seeing me in pain.

I melted to the core and dropped myself on the floor. How could words be so powerful enough to break someone? To break, kill, lose yourself and stay numb. Kung literal na nakakamatay ang mga salita ay siguro marami na kaming nililibing ngayon.

Tumitibok ang galit na walang laman para sa kanya. I am mad instead at myself for even finding forgiveness despite what she said to me. I comforted myself with the straining of my bones, sting of my tears. While she just stood there watching me.

So so ruthless, Davina. I should hate you to the extremes. I should.

"I forgive you..." Sinabunot ko ang aking buhok sa galit sa sarili. Why can't I just hate her? Why can't I just hurt her the same way or more? "Goddamn it I still forgive you! Kahit ilang beses mo akong pagtaksilan Davina papatawarin pa rin kita!"

Umalis ako at nagpalipas ng sakit at galit. Bumalik ako ng madaling araw na iyon ngunit ibang sakit na naman ang sumalubong sa akin. Davina's ex-fling's friends just found me as the object of vengeance against their imprisoned leader.

Tss. Mga duwag! They don't even fight fair. Malamang matatalo nila ako dahil lima sila laban sa isa. Bunch of asswipes.

Hinayaan ko silang sumapol sa mukha ko, dibdib, tagiliran at sa likod hanggang sa bumulagta na ako sa lupa. Tumama ang aking pisngi sa maliliit na bato, ngunit nakuha ko pa ring ngumiti sa mga sandaling iyon. Hindi nila napuruhan ang utak ko. Naaalala ko pa rin si Davina. So, positive. I'm not losing my memories.

Mas hinayaan ko silang bugbugin ako at pagtatadyakan nang maalala ang mga sinabi niya sa akin.

If the pain caused by her words was able to get past inside me, with these punches and kicks, would the pain be kicked away, too? Would the pain from her words ooze out from my open wounds or yet, die from the pressure of my livid bruise?

Kung malalaman ito ni Davina ay baka babalik siya. Baka bawiin niya ang mga sinabi niya at ang mga maling rason na inaakala niyang tama.

At tatanggapin ko pa rin siya.

One way or another I would, with open bruised arms, accept her. With the whole of my heart, loves her. And in the depthness of my being, would still forgive her.

But she didn't come back. Sa isang linggo ko sa ospital ay walang nagpapakita ni anino niya. It's either she wasn't informed or she just...doesn't care.

It's quite ironic how emptiness feels so heavy it suffocates me.

"Bakit ba siya ang inaalala mo? Ikaw ang nabugbog! Iniwan ka pa niya!"

Hindi ko tinagpo ang tingin ni Denver nang binulalas niya ito. I called him as soon as I woke up from being assaulted. Ilang mura ang nililitanya niya habang hinahatid ako rito sa ospital.

Sinulyapan ko si Gwyn na saktong nakaduty ng graveyard sa araw na iyon. I don't know why she's here. Hindi naman madaling araw ngayon. She's busy checking my IV. Wala namang dapat i-check. Buhay pa ako, with souvenirs of bruises and scrapes.

"She's mourning for her friend. Naiintindihan ko siya."

Sumulyap na rin so Denver kay Gwyn na sinusuri ang bandage ko sa ulo at braso. Hindi nagbago ang pagkukunot-noo nito. I bet he still doesn't like her. Mukha siyang mangangagat, e.

"Bakit ba ikaw ang palaging umiintindi? Bakit sila hindi ka nila intindihin?" Suplado ang tono niya. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang pinaparinggan.

"You're talking about yourself, Denver? Then do what you're saying right now. Understand me," I retorted. He finally shut his mouth up.

I insisted on being discharged the next day kahit ayaw ni mommy. Gusto ko nang puntahan si Davina at sabihin sa kanya ang nangyari. She won't have to worry anymore dahil naipakulong na rin naman ang lima, nag-reunion sila sa bilangguan kasama ng gagong Rex na iyon.

"Vin! I'm here. Open the door, please."

Malakas akong kumatok sa pinto ng bahay niya. Tumakas ako sa amin nang umalis si mommy. Alam kong hindi niya ako papayagang umalis. She was in hysterics as soon as she saw me in the hospital bed so I'm sure she won't allow me to be anywhere outside the Victorian house.

Tumingin ako sa paligid. Tahimik, hangin at mga dumadaang sasakyan lang ang nag-iingay. Paminsan-minsan ay ang lumalakas na volume ng tv galing sa kapitbahayan. Sarado naman ang tattoo parlor kaya ito lang ang tanging alam kong pupuntahan ni Davina.

I fought against knocking on Angelov's door. Naroon kaya siya? Are they living together now? Did she run to him as soon as I walked myself out of her house?

Pinilig ko ang ulo ko. No, they're not. I believe her when she said they have a tight friendship. They don't do each other. I was her first! I know that. Kung may nangyayari na sa dalawa rati ay hindi ko mararamdamang ako ang una niya! So, no. Davina isn't with that addict.

"Vinnie buksan mo—"

Nagulat ako na walang puwersa sa doorknob nang inikot ko. The door's open the whole damn time! Bakit na naman niya hinayaang bukas ang pinto niya?

Pumasok ako at dumiretso sa kanyang kwarto. I didn't expect anything but Davina in her bed, waiting for me to come back, her wide eyes already expecting for my coming back and we would fix things where we left it.

If she'd thought that I won't come back, she's wrong. I'm here, Vin. Medyo natagalan lang.

But what I found is an empty, crumpled top sheet. Binuksan ko ang cabinet at naroon pa naman ang mga damit niya. Her glow in the dark stars where untouched in the ceiling. I couldn't find her boots, though. Where is she?

I made her believe that I was angry. Kasi kung hindi ko gagawin iyon, aasahan niyang babalik ako. At kung aasahan niya iyon, aalis siya. Iiwasan na naman niya ako.

Now that I'm here...did she know that I was coming back?

Bigo akong umupo sa paanan ng kama niya. Inisip ko na lang na may pinuntahan siya kaya naghintay ako.

Ang sana'y buong gabi na paghihintay ay naging apat na buwan. Ilang mga kapitbahayan na ang pinagtanungan ko ngunit wala silang alam. I went to Angelov's but no one's there. Ayon sa pinagtanungan ko ay nakulong raw. I went to Charlie but he's in Singapore.

My last resort was their old house with her mother but nobody's home. Ayoko ring tanungin ang mga kapitbahay nila roon at baka ano pang gawin sa 'kin. The last time I'd been there, halos makipagbuno si Davina.

Dinala ko ang ilang mga gamit ko rito sa bahay niya. I sleep here. I wake up, eat, study...this room of hers has witnessed my daily routines. Tinabi ko ang mga damit ko sa mga damit niya sa kanyang cabinet. I also paid the bills through my savings.

Nagsimula na rin akong mag-aral sa Masterals ko kasabay ang isang part-time job bilang news writer. Dito ako umuuwi sa bahay niya kada natatapos sa klase o trabaho.

I have been living an independent life, all the while waiting for Davina. And in living her life, I also get to know her. To experience what she has been through. To what it feels to be living alone.

At natutunan ko na rin kung paano pumatay ng ipis. I was able to face and fight that fear. Independent life has its perks after all.

I was able to face the fear. Alone. I was able to fight it. Alone. This is Davina's struggle right here. Alone. And somehow I felt for her. I felt her through living in her world. All her life she's alone.

Alam kong may maaasahan siyang mga kaibigan. But when it comes to your inner struggle of feeling the loneliness, it's a different story.

Natigil ako sa pagta-type sa aking laptop nang may marinig na mga kalansing ng susi. Bumukas ang pinto sa baba at doon ako tumayo. Pumalo ang kaba sa dibdib ko. She's back!

My arms were so ready to welcome her. Ngunit agad ko rin iyong binaba nang makita si Charlie imbes na iyong taong inaasahan ko. Nagulat siya nang makita ako.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito?"

"Hinihintay si Davina," simpleng sabi ko.

Lumukot ang mukha niya. "Kailan pa?"

Nagkibit ako. Hindi ko na maalala. Iniisip ko na lang ang itatanong ko sa kanya. So he's back from Singapore.

Naglakbay ang paningin niya sa kwarto. I let him read between the lines so he won't try to ask me any longer. Ang mga bagong laba kong damit ay nakatupi sa gilid ng kama. The top sheet has been replaced too and so as the pillow cases. Ang mga sapatos ko'y nasa ilalim ng tukador ni Vin at nakasabit naman sa pader sa ibabaw ng headboard ng kama ang art bandana na niregalo sa akin ni Davina noong graduation ko.

Sa mukha ni Charlie ay alam kong naiintindihan na niya ang nangyayari. Ngunit nang bumaling sa akin ay pumaibabaw ang awa sa mukha niya.

Nalito ako. Anong kakaawaan niya sa akin? Hindi naman ako namulubi.

Mabagal siyang umiling na mas ikinalito ko pa.

"Hindi na babalik si Davina, Jax. Kinuha na siya ng benefactor niya."

Umawang ang bibig ko. No. What? Hindi...bakit siya papayag na kunin ng benefactor niya? Alam ba niyang babalikan ko siya rito kaya siya umalis?

"You're shitting me, Charlie," walang lakas kong sabi, binabalot ng mga salitang iyon ang paniniwala kong umalis na nga siya.

"I'm not."

"Saan siya dinala?" tanong ko.

"Hindi ko alam. Baka sa ibang bansa."

Nanghihina akong lumundag sa kama. She could have just given me a warning. Or a letter on where she might have went. Bibigyan ko naman siya ng space kung iyon ang gusto niya. Hindi ako mamimilit basta't alam ko lang kung saan ko siya matatagpuan.

Now my fear has come. She left me.

Inikot ko ang paningin sa paligid, naghahanap ng pwedeng magturo sa akin sa kinaroroonan niya. Alam kong bibiguin lang ako nito kaya mga gamit niya ang tinitignan ko. What are most of Davina's things still doing here if she left?

I pictured her out putting her make-up infront of that mirror. I pictured her opening the cabinet then choosing some clothes to wear. I pictured her undressing and dressing up with her edgy outfits. I pictured her swaying her hips, dancing for me, teasing me. I pictured her in this bed with me.

Sad how you can only be this close to me through my memories of you, Vinnie.

Nilunod ko ang mga imaheng iyon sa pagtagay kinagabihan. Sinamahan ako ni Charlie na tagabigay lang ng inumin. Hindi uminom ang loko. Iniwan pa ako kinabukasan dahil magtatrabaho pa raw ito.

"When will you be coming back home, Jaxon?"

Pinanlisikan ni mommy ang mga nagkalat na beer cans sa sahig at ilang pulutan na hindi naubos kagabi. Agad kong pinulot ang nakabulagta kong shirt at sinuot. Inayos ko ang nagugulo kong buhok na ilang buwan nang walang gupit.

"Ma, I told you I'd be living here until I finish my masters."

"And you're doing this just because of that benighted woman living in this godforsaken place?"

Natigil ako at hindi napigilang tignan siya ng masama. I'm instantly forgetting that she's my respected mother.

"You don't dare downgrade her like that, ma. May pinag-aralan si Davina. She graduated from a prestigious university."

"Her education doesn't define who she is, Jaxon. May mga edukadong tao na gumagawa pa rin ng masama. Now look at yourself." Muwestra niya sa akin at sa mga kalat ko. "Look at what that woman has done to you!"

"Bakit? Nag-aaral pa rin naman ako," mapaghamon kong sabi. "Just like what you asked me to! Don't force me to get out of here. Kung may aalis, may babalik, and I'm sure Davina will. Right here, mom. I would wait for her here!"

Matagal niya akong tinitigan bago siya umiling. Her lips are thinning in disapproval. May binunot siya sa mamahalin niyang bag at marahas na inabot sa akin. May pag-aalinlangan ko itong tinanggap at binasa.

"There, see how she left you with that amount while taking your hopes away with her, son. She won't be coming back. So there's nothing left for you to fight for that woman!"

A copy of a five million worth of check named for Davina Claravel with my mom's signature on it. The date was four months ago. The night she...she ruined me.

Kumunot ang noo ko at umiling, tinatanggi ang nasa harap ko. No. She won't do this.

This doesn't make sense to me. Kung umalis siya dala ang ganitong halaga, ibig sabihin ba may tinatanggap na siya rati sa mga pag iwas niya sa akin?

"I offered her, Jaxon. In exchange of her staying away from you." She filled in my question. "Kung nanatili pa siya, ano sa tingin mo ang mangyayari sa kinabukasan mo?"

No. I don't think so. I am more inclined to believe Charlie's words that she left with her benefactor. So this is a shit ton of bullcrap!

"I'm a twenty-two year old man, adult, and have enough sane autonomy to decide for my own. Don't make me your machine, mom. I can decide the future for myself without your help. Why did you do this?"

Nanginginig kong tinaas ang cheke at pinakitang hindi ako naniniwala sa kanya.

"Now you're using that tone with me, Jaxon? Naiimpluwensyahan ka na sa kawalaang hiya ng babaeng iyon—"

"Shut up!" sigaw ko sa kanya. "You don't get to talk against her like that!"

She gasped and looked so terrified. Regret from how I just acted started to crawl into me. Umiling siya at tinakpan ang kanyang bibig. Hindi nakaalpas sa akin ang pamumuo ng kanyang luha.

"Oh dear God..." iyak niya. "Look what that woman has done to you! She's turning you against me, Jaxon..."

I felt even more terrible as I watched my mother cry.

Nanatili akong tumira sa bahay ni Davina hanggang sa matapos ko ang aking Masterals. Not long after I was able to land myself my dream career, the same year my parents invested their share in a renowned station company and sooner became members of the organization.

Two, three, four years...Is this kind of distance really what's best for us, Davina? Is this in fate's best interest for us? Is this the end of the line?

My cratered and beaten up ground on this farside wasn't able to bury the love I have been keeping for the past years. I am still in love with you. So in love I can't get to like any other women. I can't replace you with anything not even whiskey and one-off dates.

It's nights like this where I lie at the middle of the street, and think how she felt every second she was with me.

It's times like these where I watch the silver moon and see her doe eyes shined bright with innocene and curiosity the way she looks at me.

It's moments like these where I talk incessantly to shut off the inner noise in her sleep.

It's nights like these, every night like this, where her name makes a way out from my lips hoping my voice would find her wherever she might be.

Sana okay ka, Vin. Sana nakikita ko ngayon ang mga totoong ngiti mo. Sana nasasaksihan ko kung paano ka naging masaya. I want to take a peek on the kind of contentment you've always been seeking, at nararamdaman kong nakukuha mo na iyon ngayon.

Then and there, I would be the happiest man. But it would be better off if I were there with you. Celebrating life.

And I would be the first one to tell you that I'm proud of you for not giving up on this life.

When I almost did.