Umuulan noong hapon ng Biyernes. Month of August.

Sinipsip ko ang straw ng softdrinks na naka-plastic habang pinapanood ang mga naglalaro ng basketball sa court field. The athletes didn't let the drizzle stop them from playing. Sa covered court kasi sa gym ay inokupahan na ng volleyball girls at mga miyembro ng theatre.

Nakasilong si Denver sa malaking puno ng Narra na katabi lang ng court. Umabot pa rito ang tawa niya. Today is meeting of the clubs. E, bakit siya pinapalibutan ng mga babae diyan? Baka out of school club ang sinalihan ng lintik.

Gusto niya pang pareho kami ng papasukan na eskwelahan. He said he doesn't want us to separate. Siya rin naman itong nangingindiyan dahil sa mga babae niya! What an ass.

Siniko ako ni Jensen.

"Bakit?" tanong ko. Kumunot ang noo ko nang wala na akong masipsip na Coke. Nangulubot na ang ubos na plastic. Pinaglalaruan ko na lang ang straw sa ngipin ko. I'm still darn thirsty.

Tinutok ni Jensen ang baba sa harap at pinagpag ang kamay sa uniform pants.

"Crush mo, dumaan."

Binalingan ko ang tinuro niya saka hinanap ang bulto ni Gwyneth Eileen Loyola, one of the members of our school's student council. Merit card awardee.  President of Science club. Daughter of a business tycoon and resident doctor in one of the prestigious hospitals in the city. I'm sure her educational and family background is going to win gold in my mother's book of approval.

"Saan? Wala naman." Iniisa-isa ko ang mga babaeng tinatakpan ng bag ang mga ulo nila dahil sa ambon.

"Papuntang canteen," ngumunguyang sabi ni Jensen. Umabot sa pandinig ko ang kaingayan ng pagsipsip niya ng inumin.

"Balik tayo. Kulang, e." Angat ko sa plastic.

"Sus...kunwari ka pa, Jax..."

"Kulang naman talaga," natatawa kong sabi. "Sana nga isang litro ang binili ko!" 

Tinapon ko ang plastic nang madaanan namin ang trash can sa hallway. Jensen has been my classmate for three inconsecutive years of highschool. Noong sophomore year lang kami hindi magkaklase. Sinadya niyang maging member ng Homemaking club dahil wala naman daw ginagawa roon, palagi lang silang kumakain ng fastfood kaya ito't nakikuha ako ng sobra nilang burger.

"Calvillo! Montero!"

Nilingon ko ang tumawag sa amin. Isa sa mga babae ni Denver dahil nagsegunda sa pagtawag ang ilan sa kanila roon. Mahinang tumatawa si Jensen sa tabi ko.

"Anong ginawa natin? Why are they shouting?" wala sa sarili kong tanong.

"Dumaan lang," natatawang sabi niya.

Napailing ako. May dalawa pa roong kumakaway rito. Hindi ko sila kilala. Ewan ko lang kung kami ang kinakawayan o isa sa mga naglalaro ng basketball.

"Bromance, dude. What the fuck...!" madramang sigaw ni Denver.

Nag-angat ako ng middle finger sa kanya. Nakita iyon ng mga babae niya at mas lalo pang natuwa! Luh?

Sumimangot si Denver at umiiling.

"Yabang! Mas guwapo ako sa  'yo!"

Nagtawanan lang kami ni Jensen at nagpatuloy papuntang canteen.

Madaming tao dahil sa unti-unting paglakas ng ambon. Ilang players ang dumiretso na rin dito. Wala na nga kaming mahanap na upuan dahil okupado lahat.

Tinawag kami ni Jensen ng kambal niya na kabilang sa isang mesa.

"Doon tayo."

Isang beses akong tumango. "Sunod ako."

Tinanguan ko rin ang kanyang kapatid bago mag-isang tumungo sa counter upang bumili ng tubig. Sumakit ang lalamunan ko sa softdrinks.

Bumunot na ako ng bill sa wallet. Nakatalikod ang empleyado ng canteen na may kinukuhang inumin.

"Tubig po, isa."

"Water, please."

I instantly turned my head towards that voice. My stomach flipped seeing her this close beside me. Lumingon din siya at ningitian ako. Bahagyang nagkagatla ang aking noo. She smiled...At.Me?

I really don't know how to react since this is just my first time meeting her this close. Sandali at bahagya ang ginawad kong ngiti sa kanya saka mabilis umiwas. I'm not sure from that moment if I smiled or winced at her. I probably looked uninterested and unfriendly. That would have been a turn-off for most girls. Agad kong pinagsisihan iyon. Dapat ngumiti na lang ako ng pagkalaki-laki.

Kung alam ko lang na sa akin siya tatabi, sana nag-practice na akong ngumiti kanina.

Magkatabi ang mga kamay naming may hawak na bill. Tinutukan ko iyon. She has cute fingernails. Clean and pinkish. May manipis siyang singsing sa kanyang pinkie finger.

Nag-angat ako. She looks classy with her hair in a high ponytail making me notice her small heart-shaped earrings. She seem stiffed, at mukhang pinagiisipan pa kung lilingon dahil pansin niyang nakatingin ako sa kanya. Sa huli ay lumingon siya na may pag-aalinlangan.

Ginawa ko ang dapat na ginawa. Ngumiti ako.

"Hi," sabi ko.

I bit the insides of my lower lip when her face blushed. Bahagya pang nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata. It's a different color. Well, maybe because of her foreign blood.

I still have yet to know why we get attracted to someone. Ayaw kong ibase sa pisikal na itsura ang dahilan ng aking atraksyon. I don't do Denver's reason of dating girls just because they're hot and that's it. May mga nakikita naman akong hindi masyadong kagandahan at kaguwapauhn pero committed.

Is it on the attitude? Let's see. Hindi ko pa naman alam ang ugali niya. For now, I'll base it on the outside character. Sa pisikal na anyo naman talaga iyan nagsisimula.

Highschool was my stage of self-discovery. Dito ko nalalaman kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko, and how I should carry on this aptitude as I step higher into the ladder. My preference, of course, girls. Women.

I get to finally find the common ground on why I got attracted to Gwyneth.

My previous relationships, they're always on the honor roll. So I was able put two and two together. I have a bizarre affinity for girls who are achievers. The proverbial opposite attracts doesn't sit well to me. It could be to someone but not to me. Kasi ang mga tipo ko ay iyong kung saan nakikita ko ang sarili sa kanya. Someone who shares the same interests with me; Success. Perpetuation of our obligations. Constancy.

"Nalapitan mo na? Bilis, a. Nako, dalas-dalasan mo. Hindi mo na makikita iyan. Magnu-nursing sa UC, e."

Nauna kami ni Jensen sa grupo ng kambal niya papalabas ng canteen. Kakatunog lang ng bell tanda ng papalapit na flag ceremony sa hapon. Hindi natuloy ang ulan at tumila na rin ang ambon.

"Ba't mo alam?" Lumingon ako sa likod at nakita na lumalabas na rin si Gwyn at isang kaibigan niya. I bet she's talking about how I asked her for number. Namumula ang mukha, e habang kausap ang kaibigan.

"Sabay kaming kumuha ng entrance exam. Nursing din kaya kukunin ko. Ikaw?"

"MassCom."

"Recoletos? O sa UP?"

Nagkibit ako. "Pag-iisipan ko pa."

Nakiisa na kami sa pila para sa section namin. Ningitian ko ang ilang mga kaklase kong babae na tinatapik ako sa braso at balikat. Are they congratulating me for something I didn't know I've won?

Kinalabit ako ni Jensen at tinuro si Denver na tuwid ang tayo sa harap ng flag pole at nakasaludo. Napangiwi ako. Sino ba iyan? Kilala ko ba siya?

"Hoy Denver! Tigilan mo iyan at ikakahiya kita! I'll cut your branch in our family tree!"

Bumaling dito ang suplado niyang mukha."Who you?"

Nagtawanan ang buong school ground sa ginawa niyang iyon. Isisigaw ko na sana ang mura sa kanya kung hindi lang dumating iyong prinicipal. Turns out, he was being punished to stand there in front of everyone for not signing himself in any one of the clubs. Iyan kasi!

"Okay lang kung MU tayo?"

"MU? Ano iyon?"

Gywn looked up from the flowers I gave her.

"Hindi mo alam? I saw you with girls before, Jaxon. Nakakadalawang girlfriends ka na, right? Wala ka naging ka-MU sa kanila?"

Kylie and Farheen are both equally smart in academic and relationships. They're likeable as a girlfriend. Kylie transferred school while Farheen is a Muslim and returned to Saudi. So both relationships ended mutually and so far, never had a can of worms. So what's MU?

"Nanligaw lang ako, then sinagot." Nagkibit ako.

Anong silbi ng MU? You like each other, then might as well call yourself being in a relationship. Kahit limitado lang ang ginagawa niyan kesa sa totoong magkarelasyon, still, they like each other. They're attracted to each other. So I don't understand the concept behind mutual understanding. Bakit pa kung mayroon namang palang sila? Sila na 'parang hindi'? Saan nanggaling ang 'parang hindi'?

"So you've never been in a relationship?" I inquired.

Umiling si Gwyn. "But I got suitors. They tried to pursue pero nagsawa rin at tumigil. Natagalan sa hinihintay na panahon na maging handa ako sa isang relasyon."

Isa pa iyan. Hindi ko maintinaihan kung bakit kailangan pa itong paghandaan. What are the set of preparations do you need before involving yourself in a relationship? Experience? Saan ka naman huhugot ng karanasan kung hindi mo pa nga nasubukan ang bagay na pinaghahandaan mo?

I can only hope for in the nature of things, the answers would come and enlighten me. Highschool pa lang naman ako. I'm not some full-bearded philosopher with a brain brimmed with thought-provoking and life-altering wisdom.

In the fullness of time, I would be able to know things that I want to know, there is to know and should know about.

"I'll wait...until you say yes."

And I did. Hindi ko akalain na hindi lang pala simple na 'matagal na panahon' ang ibig niyang sabihin.

"Jax, don't wear that. Hindi iyan magugustuhan ni Mom. Here, wear this. We have to please them."

Tamad kong hinubad ang suot na maroon polo saka pinalitan ng pinili niyang white button down at vest.

Ano ba ako sa dinner party? Waiter? Barista? What the heck? May bowtie pa!

Gwyn's busy tying her hair kaya hindi niya nakikita ang paghihimagsik sa mukha ko. Kinabit ko na ang bow tie. I'm eyeing it with disdain in front of the mirror. God. I'm going to be a laughingstock to Denver. I could already hear him taunting an 'I told you so'.

"You're going to introduce me to your parents? I'm still courting you, Gwyn."

After one hundred years, unfortunately. That's how it feels like. Pakiramdam ko ang tanda ko na, tapos nanliligaw pa ako. This is your choice, Jaxon. Kaya magdusa ka!

May kinuha siyang make-up sa kanyang tukador at tinabihan ako sa full body mirror. She's putting something on her eyelashes to make it look longer.

"I'm going to introduce you as my suitor. If they approve of you, then you passed."

Kumunot ang noo. Ano daw? So my being in the dinner party is more of like a screening test? What is this, a reality show? My goodness!

Hindi naman ako ganito nahirapang manligaw sa mga naging girlfriends ko noon. What's wrong with the world?

"But I think they're going to like you. You have the manners and the etiquette. I see it on the way you eat. Pero minsan pilyo ka. You play with your food, and you talk too much while eating. That's a no-no in our dining."

I almost face-palmed. So nakikita niya ang ugali ko dahil lang sa kung paano ako kumain? Not because of my patience? Not because of how I treat her? Wow. I'm...amazed!

"And don't smile too much in front of them. They don't like it. Don't ask questions, wait for them to ask you first. Kung ano ang itatanong, iyon lang din ang isasagot. You don't have to elaborate your answers. Magtira ka rin ng kaunting pagkain sa plato mo, kasi kung ubos lahat, they would assume that you're too voracious..." And the list of do's and don'ts goes on and on and on...

Hindi ko na pinahalatang gusto ko nang atrasan ang gabing 'to. It's a norm for me to talk a lot. It's a norm for me to finish the food in my plate. Lahat ng pinagbabawal  niya ay normal kong ginagawa and I don't see anything wrong with my norms.

Hindi ko alam kung ako ang may mali o ang pamilya niya.  

When I thought I've already been being my best. Being the best. I never saw this coming that someone would still has the guts to change me into someone that I am not. Just for the approval? No, no, no.  I'm not signing up for this life.

We usually look for someone who we can relate with. Di ba nga ang iba'y pinipilit gustuhin ang interest ng mga taong gusto nila para masabing soul mates sila? Ganon din ako.  I came about to like her because I thought we have something in common. And in finding a common ground with another person, deeper attraction and connection is to follow suit.

I tried to take stock of the situation and looked out for my mistake in every hole. Gusto ko siya ngunit bakit pakiramdam ko may mali? Should I let go of this courtship, what would I have felt? Would I regret it?

Ilang beses ko nang ginustong subukan na ihinto na. But that would be a showmanship of irresponsibility. Sinimulan ko tapos hindi ko tatapusin? That's never been my motto.

With Davina, all my ropes were untied. My chains unlocked. The bottles been wrecked. Sa mundo niya walang kumokontrol sa akin. Walang nagdidikta sa mga galaw ko. Ours is filled with criteria. In her world, it's boundless. I get appreciated. I am needed.

Then the most absurd and unpredictable happened.

"Tayo na kayo! Kiss na!"

Hindi ko nagustuhan ang kung anong lumabas sa bibig niya. She wants me and Gwyn to kiss? In front of her? I almost shout the hysterics!

Do you really want me to, Vin? Why do you like the idea of me kissing another girl so much when I didn't even come close into wanting to kiss another woman but you?

It took me so long to sink-in what happened. I thought I was going to be enraptured to be finally be Gwyneth's boyfriend. But only it felt like I was thrown light years away from the truth. I felt surprisingly numb.

I'm more accustomed to Gwyneth's presence and company, but in the depths of my soul, nothing knows about her. Ibang tao ang kinikilala nito. Ng isip ko. Ng puso ko. Ng kaluluwa ko.

Akala ko kasi paaabutin pa niya hanggang sa lumagpas ang mga edad namin sa kalendaryo. I was supposed to tell her that I'm gonna give up until she told me, 'Tayo na, sinasagot na kita'.

First thing that went through my mind was...paano ko ito sasabihin kay Davina? And I could hear my own disappointment in my damn frustrated head!

Then here she goes. Nagsasaya, nakihiyaw, sayaw, tawanan...She celebrated with the announcement. Habang ako'y hinahabol ang kasiyahan na dapat kong maramdaman. But they slipped from my hands as soon as I inched close coming into grips with joy. I've been waiting to hear this answer. Now what happened, Jaxon? 

In my heart of hearts, I know why. I just chose to believe the other thing. I just chose to believe what's safe.

Pero gusto mo pa lang naman ako, Davina, 'di ba? So hindi pa gaanong masakit iyan. You would soon forget feeling something for me. Pero bakit ko hinihiling na sana mahal mo na ako? At the same time, I wish that what you have for me was just a simple infatuation. Or I wish you have never felt something for me at all for this to be easier.

Kahit gaano kaliit, o kahit anong klaseng atraksyon pa iyan, damdamin pa rin iyan. Meron pa rin. Gugulo pa rin sa isip ko.

Hindi ko magawang ngitian nang mabuti ang mga tumatapik sa aking likod at balikat. I acted that I've had one too many drinks to excuse myself from the fun. I felt even more terrible for pretending.

But Davina, I could never deny it to myself the hate on how you have to distract yourself from the pain and disappointment through inebriated nights and neck kisses from your bad boys.

Kasi alam ko, nasaktan kita. And God knows the dread consuming me right now. Kung sana hininto ko na noong una pa lang kitang makita. My head is brimming with... Regret, for the lack of a better word.

My irritation has skyrocketed off the charts it makes me want to shit in my pants. Isang kalabit na lang, kung sosobra pa ang gagawin ninyo diyan ay ipapakita ko na may kasamaan din ako. That the extent of my patience is not a long winding road but a short circuit. I'm always in good terms with my temper when it comes to you, Davina. I should have let you know!

Umaangat ang crop top niya. Her flat stomach and slim waist exposed. At ang de-tattoo'ng lalakeng iyan ay ginagapang pa ang mga kamay sa balat mo! On your damn soft-looking skin that I haven't even laid my hands on to! Unfair!  Hindi lang kamao ko ang kumuyom sa nakikitang paghalik ng lalakeng iyan sa leeg mo! Tangina! 

Namimilipit ang buong katawan ko sa inis. I could almost shatter the beer bottle with my raw and bare hands, damn it! The alcohol just added heat to my already passionate annoyance.

Tinitigan ko siya habang may binubulong sa akin si Gwyn. Nagpapabili ng tubig. Walang pagdadalawang isip ko siyang sinunod. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko. Hindi dahil sa nagpapaalipin na naman ako.  Atat na akong lumayo! My chest tightens every second I spend in this area. It felt like they're tormenting my feelings when in fact I was the one doing this to myself.

"Seriously, Jax?"

Hindi ko nilingon si Denver nang magkibit balikat ako. Because that only means I have to look at her direction. I don't wanna. Not when my cousin's arm is wrapped around her shoulders.

Habang inaabot ang bill sa tindera sabay bigay sa akin ng tubig ay may nahagip ako. Hindi ko ito nilulubayan ng titig.

"Magkano po iyong...sigarilyo?" usisa ko.

"Alin dito?"

That left me a wake of question mark. Ano ba ang pinagkaiba ng red sa green? Well, okay green is menthol flavor. How about iyong red. Barbecue? Strawberry?

Bago pa ako makasagot ay inunahan akong magsalita ng isang lalake na nakikisaya rin sa Sinulog. Nagsindi siya ng sigarilyo at pinanood ko kung paano siya huminga rito at bumuga.  Naningkit ang mga mata nito pagkadaan ng usok sa kanyang mukha.

Hindi pa nga ako gumagamit ay umaanghang na ang baga ko nang maanod sa akin ang usok.

Nilingon ako ng binatilyo. Hindi ako nag-iwas. I was staring at the cigarette. What's so special about the cigarette? Why do people take it? Why do Davina's 'people' take it?

"Gusto mong subukan?" Nilapit niya sa akin ang sigarilyo. Napangiwi ako sa amoy. Paano ba nila natiis ipasok ang amoy na iyan sa mga baga nila?

"Pwede?"

Mas nilapit niya lang ang stick kaya kinuha ko. Just a try. One try is not bad. Wala namang mawawala.

Hinintay ko munang lumayo ang usok sa mukha ko bago ko ito sinubo sa aking bibig. Hindi ko pa nahalikan ang dulo ng stick ay umubo na ako. Holy hell!

Pakiramdam ko hinaharangan ang daluyan ng lalamunan ko ng usok at matapang na amoy. Mabilis kong nilayo ang sigarilyo at binigay sa humahagalpak na may-ari.

"Sa una lang iyan," aniya saka sumubo.

Hindi natanggal ang ngiwi sa mukha ko habang pinagmamasdan siyang bumuga. What? They're not even affected?

Umiling ako. Kahit makailang trial ako diyan, ayoko pa rin! One dreadful inhale is enough. It won't make me less of a man if I don't know how to smoke. Okay na ako sa whiskey at beer.

Bumalik na ako sa loob ng Scaffold dala ng pinapabili ni Gwyn. Nagtaka ako na lumipat siya ng upuan. She's with her friends, they're having fun playing spin the bottle so I let her.

Binigay ko sa kanya ang tubig saka bumalik sa dating pwesto kanina.

Nadatnan ko ang mahigpit na pag akbay ni Denver kay Davina sa puntong naiipit na ito sa malalaki niyang braso. Denver's never a skeletal man. And definitely he's never the good boy. He's always been the playful one. All play. Bad-boy looking. Mga tipo ni Davina. Like that guy who just kissed her neck. Buti nga umuwi na iyon. Ang isang 'to, pauuwiin ko pa.

"Denver. What are you doing?" I could hear darkness in my tone I almost wince. May isa pang tono roon na pamilyar ako ngunit ayokong aminin. Possession.

"What is it to you?" masungit niyang ganti.

"Ang lapit niyo sa isa't isa. Give a lil' distance," I demanded.

Ininis lang ako lalo ni Denver sa paghigpit ng akbay niya kay Davina. What is his fucking problem? Bakit ba palagi niya akong kinokontra? He's the younger one here so he should be the one submitting like a lil' puppy but he's defying me like the older man instead! Asshole.

Humigpit ang mga ugat ko. Natutukso akong tawirin 'tong mahabang mesa at sugurin siya.  I want to blame the alcohol for almost flying off the handle but that would be a feckless reason. Hindi ko nga napangahalatian iyong beer.

"Kung naiinggit ka, Jax, dumikit ka kay Gwyneth, Kayo na rin naman, e," sarkastiko niyang ani.

Hindi ko siya sinabayan sa ngiti niya. Why should I? Hindi nga niya sinunod ang gusto ko! I want his arm off Davina! What is so hard about following that simple commandment alone? Is it easier to not follow, then? Is that what you want, Davina? Rule breakers?

Fine. I'm going to be a rule breaker. I'm going to break our rules of friendship. Iyan naman ang gusto mo, Davina, 'di ba? Iyong mahilig sa gulo? Kaya makikigulo rin ako sa mundo mo. Welcome me to your world now. I've become a misfit since the day you let me in.

Then I'm going to silently torture myself being engaged in a mediocre relationship while secretly royally fucking things up by falling in love with my best friend.

Because damn it. I already fell.

Damn. It.

Fuck.