"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Hiyawan at palakpakan ang umiral sa loob ng Orangery dito sa Avington. Evan and Scarlet's wedding ceremony took place under this stunning glass roof and French windows.

Nakihiyaw ako nang nagtama ang mga labi nila. Flashes of camera, greetings and laughters backed the perfect picturesque as petals and confetti's were showered all over the newlyweds.

They were apart for three years. Nabanggit iyon ni Evan sa vow niya. Sa totoo lang inasahan kong katulad ng sa kanila, magkakatagpo kami ni Davina pagkatapos ng tatlong taon. It's been four years now.

With the waiting came the realization. No matter how the two or three scenarios share the same situation, they will always tell different stories. Ours are different.

"Hey, beautiful."

Nilingon ko si Denver sa kanyang British accent. Nahuli kong ningingitian nito ang pinsan ko sa mother side.

"Not her, Denver," tahimik kong sita. One of the Zamorano sisters was being charmed by my lothario cousin. Namula ang mukha nito at umalis.

Nagkibit si Denver at sinusundan ang kanyang paglayo.

The current of people keep on flowing towards the extensive lawn outside the manor for the drinks reception. Kumontra ako sa alon habang may hinahanap. I immediately spotted her fixing Scarlet's gown since siya ang stylist nito sa okasyon.

Nilapitan ko sila at nakiisa sa ibang mga pinsan kong binabati si Evan. Mom's near the French windows chitchatting to my titas. To my utter surprise, my dad's here, too! Now talking to Evan's Irish father. Galing itong New York at dumiretso rito sa London para sa kasal.

"O kayo, kailan?"

Bigla akong inakbayan ni Denver at ninguso si Kelsey sa tabi ko. Nakatingin siya sa bagong mag-asawa katabi ang photographer na kumukuha ng litrato.

Ayokong aminin kay Denver na pumayat siya. Ewan ko kung sadya o dahil na-stress siya sa pag-aaral ng Law.

Humalukiphip ako at nilingon si Kelsey. "Naging tayo ba?"

Umiling siya. "No, definitely not. Just...no." Humagikhik siya.

Binalikan ko si Denver. "You have your answer." At humakbang na sa harap para sa picture taking.

A longing feeling is coursing through me bearing a spawn of wonder if somewhere along this place, as one of the guests, I would see Davina. Kahit saang lugar ako mapadpad, kasama ko ang pag-asang makita siya.

I am kinda' expecting to see her walking along the sidewalks, lying at the middle of the street, or hitching a ride.

Sinubukan kong hindi umasa. Because that's what they said, it would come when you least expect it. But everywhere I go, expectation seems to love me as a company.

There's a force pulling me back to expect and to wait with awareness, so it occurred to me that maybe there is still something for me to hope for.

I am meant to expect because what I'm expecting is meant to happen. Bakit may pupuwersa pa sa aking gawin iyon kahit anong pilit kong ayawin kung hindi ito dadating sa akin?

I have often envisioned that in one look in that side of the street, she would be there looking straight back at me. Longing in her eyes, as pure longing as mine, and I would walk to her direction. Tears and regret mated in her eyes.

Heartbreak is nature, so I won't forgive her for that. She hasn't done anything wrong. The situation was what has wronged us.

My love prevails than the resentment I should have preserved. My love prevails than the hurt she has caused. Every endeavor of moving on only embeds me deeper to my cratered ground. Every attempt is in vain. I'm stuck, Vin. I could never move on. This is my testimonial of trial.

Hindi ni minsang dumaan sa isip ko na ipahanap si Davina. I have the money to have her whereabouts be investigated. But would the money be worth it to find her? Maa-assure ko bang babalik siya sa 'kin kapag nahanap ko siya?

I'm sorry for doubting but...I came to the point of doubting her. She's the one who left. She never gave me any parting words like...to wait for her to come back. To wait for her until she's done soul searching. To wait for her until she's ready to love me with the whole of her heart. Dahil kung may sinabi lang siyang ganon, aba'y gagawin ko! Handa akong maghintay.

Pero kahit naman wala siyang sinabi ay heto pa rin ako, naghihintay.

I met her with my mind caged on abstract standards. She left me with a new set of ideals to hope for.

Hindi ba ganon? Someone comes along and would introduce you to change your views. And that became your new criteria once you look for someone new.

I tried giving my love away to any women of my type. Women that reminds me of her. Women with issues. I was in empty commitments. I'm an empty bottle in a rope tied to another bottle. I couldn't give them anything in return.

Affection is devoid of. I held their hands. Kiss their cheeks. Sinubukan kong punan ang kakulangang lumulutang nang ilang taon.

If she was all kinds of clusterfuck, then I was all kinds of ruined. For the entire four years, even when I was with another woman, I was still a broken man. I am, without her...

I was thinking that maybe she's just one of those girls that comes and goes. Passerby. Someone who would turn out to be strangers. Someone that would perennially remain as a history. Maybe she is not my constant someone.

Katulad na lang ni Gwyn. When I thought she was the one I was gonna marry, Davina came, then the vision just combusted and was dearly forgotten.

I was scared to fall out of love of Davina. I am still grasping for that hope to find her and pick up where we left. Pero bakit ko ba kinatatakutang mawala ang pagmamahal sa kanya kung hindi ako sigurado na may nararamdaman siya sa akin? Who knows? It's been four years now. And Davina is never an orthodox woman.

Or it could be that maybe I needed someone like her. Maybe I have this bizarre fetish for girls with dark issues. I'm done liking achievers. Maybe my standards for girls has changed and Davina was the quintessence of that change.

So I tried dating an abused woman. Pakiramdam ko nga ginagamit ko si tita Martha para maghanap lang ng panakip butas. She's a therapist so I occasionally visit her office, looking for possible prospects.

I gave up. Nothing clicked. Nothing worked out. Instead, I just distracted the emptiness through travelling a lot and working hard and somehow it has filled some gaps of myself like embracing my achievements.

Along came Kelsey. She's the closest thing to how I felt towards Davina.

I met her in a media function last year. One look, and I approached her. She wore an all black ensemble of dress and make-up which initially reminded me of her.

Nauwi ang gabing iyon sa isang maling akala. I instantly apologized for having mistaken her as someone I used to know.

I courted her. I won't deny that. I was empty. Love is here but the recipient is away. I was trying to fill the void of the need through this want. I was trying to fill the void of love through this like. Through doing something with my fondness of Kelsey because I like her.

But that was all there is to it.

"We still have our hang-ups from someone in our pasts, Jaxon. We're both on the rebound."

I watched Kelsey's lips as she spoke. Sure they're pinkish, pero iyon lang. They're pink. And everytime I look at any women's lips, I always have glimpses of the black-painted one. That later turned out pink and plumpy.

"So...you don't like me? At all?" tanong ko at tinignan ang bouquet ng Peonies na binigay ko sa kanya.

Inadjust niya ang sarili sa pagkakaupo. We're in her condo and I came here to let her know my intention. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata. Not in a way that she's offended but more on the curious side.

"Do you really like me, Jaxon?"

Nalito ako sa tanong niya. Hindi naman ako manliligaw kung hindi ko siya gusto. What is this with girls making us guys bleed our brains out with their twisted analytical questions? This is not fucking math!

Tinawanan ni Kelsey ang reaksyon ko.

Now I am more confused.

"Base sa kinuwento mo sa aking babae, I could say we won't work. Knowing what you did for her? For your undying longing? The intensity of your feelings for her can't even rival to what you would feel for me in the future if we keep this going."

Kinunutan ko lang siya ng noo habang unti-unting binabati ang mga salita sa isip ko. I welcomed the words, but they still haven't settled themselves in my brain yet.

"Hindi mapupunan ng magiging relasyon natin ang pangungulila mo sa kanya. May pagkakatulad man kami, maging kamukha ko man siya, siya pa rin ang mahal mo, Jaxon. We're just identical pieces of the puzzle but what would fit to that lost piece is the real one. Her."

Umawang ang bibig ko. Kung ano man ang sana'y sasabihin ay kinulong ng mga salita niya. That deep truth froze me to the core it's venom flowing through my veins. Burning my blood.

I thought I had justified the means when I broke up with Gwyneth just to be with Davina. At para sa akin, naging kami ni Davina. Wala namang mangyayari sa amin kung hindi naging kami.

But then she went away. Makes me think that I probably wasn't good in handling relationships, because I wasn't even able to make Davina stay.

Then what Kelsey said...she's right. No perfect relationship could fill this void in my heart that could only be fitted with Davina's presence. No perfect someone could replace even the most imperfect one that owns me.

We have never even had a proper relationship, kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito katindi at kasidhi ang tama na iniwan niya sa akin.

She left a cratered ground where I still remain stranded.

Umiling ako. Pwede naman naming subukan, 'di ba? Maybe I'm just used to Davina occupying my brain making me think that I'm still in love with her. Yes! That could be right.

"Do you want to kiss me, Jaxon? Do you want to have sex with me?"

"What? No!"

Halos mapatayo ako! My hair rised by just the thought of it! No! I like Kelsey but I can't do something like that with her! My Goodness!

Iniwan ako ng determinasyon kong subukan na magkaroon ng relasyon sa kanya.

"Hm. Exactly my point, Jax. " Natuwa pa siya at dumekwatro. "If you're willing to have a relationship with me, we would be doing that. Pero ngayon pa lang humihindi ka nang makipaghalikan sa akin. So no, you don't want this relationship. You want to fill the void because of someone. And indeed, who you need right now is not me or some willing sluts. You only need her. Kung sino ang rason ng kawalan mo, siya ang magpupuno nito, Jaxon, Hindi ako. Hindi ang ibang tao."

"So you're brushing me off?"

Tumawa siya. "See? Hindi ka nga nasaktan."

So we remain good friends. Ilang beses na kaming na-link since sikat siyang stylist ng mga artista. We work in the same company. The artists she was styling were talents of the station I am working in.

Hinila ako ni Kelsey papunta sa labas hawak ang bouquet na hiniram niya sa isa sa mga bridesmaids. She made me took her picture na ipo-post niya sa social media.

The Georgian manor sets as a classically stunning backdrop of the photo. With a variety of vintage cars lining the outline of the establishment.

Dinala niya ako sa fountain na nasa labas ng Orangery. The contrasting colors of the sky blue sky, brown concrete walla, flanking iron conservatories, open French windows and wide green lawn is just breathtaking.

Kukunan ko na sana ulit siya ng panibagong shot nang tumama ang balikat ko sa kung sino. Nang nilingon dala ang kunot noo ay lumala lang ito na makita si Denver.

"Bloody hell, man!" inis kong bulalas. "Gumraduate ka na lang ng Law ay makulit ka pa rin!"

May bahagya siyang tinuro sa pangkat ng mga babaeng nagkukuhanan rin ng litrato. Those are my cousins! They're in the lime tree avenue that leads down to the side of the house.

"What's her name? That pretty lady. Tinakbuhan ako nun kanina."

I saw my girl cousin among the group that he's trying to flirt with. She's with her two sisters. Their father is my mom's brother at dito na sila nag-reside sa London. Matalik rin itong kaibigan ng dad ni Evan. He somehow suggested Avington Park to be the venue of the wedding, and since dito na rin nag-settle ang pamilya ni Scarlet.

Inalis ko ang akbay ni Denver at binabantaan siya sa aking tingin.

"Not beating around the bush, huh? You can hit on the older one or the young one. Basta huwag siya."

Tinulak niya ako patagilid sa balikat. "She's your cousin, right? I only asked for the name. Not advice."

Sumuko ako sa isang buntong hininga saka kinuhanan na si Kelsey na kanina pa nakangisi.

"Pristine."

Sumipol siya. "Sounds virginal."

"Huwag mong lapitan," agap kong banta.

Sinimangutan niya ako. "Kailan ka pa naging bakod?"

Binantayan ko siya buong magdamag sa reception. Thank Jesus he followed my advice and flirted with the older sibling instead. May issue lang talaga ang isa kaya ayaw kong lumala kapag nilapitan ni Denver.

Nasa kalagitnaan kami ng kuwentuhan ni Kelsey kasama ang isa sa mga guests nang mabulabog kami ng mga hiyawan.

Bumukas nang bahagya ang lipumpon ng mga tao sapat upang mahagip ko ang malaking ngisi ni Evan hawak si Scarlet sa baywang at nakikipagkamayan sa mga tao.

Papunta ang sila sa direksyon namin kaya nanatili ako.

"Anong nangyari?" tanong ko. Tumabi sa akin ang nakangiting si mommy at inakbayan siya.

Bumaling sa akin si Evan. Parang bata itong ngumingisi. Ginugulo pa ni Denver ang buhok niya at kasamang humihiyaw si Riley.

"I'm pregnant!" Si Evan ang nag-anunsyo at hinalikan ang tiyan ni Scarlet. Natatawa nitong sinuklay ang buhok ng pinsan ko.

"Whoah! Nice one. Congrats!" At tinapik siya sa balikat. Sumunod ang panibagong saboy ng mga confetti sa kanila at petals.

Tila inanod ako ng mga tanong ko sa malayo hanggang sa nabaon ang ingay ng patuloy nilang kasiyahan. I wonder If Davina has felt my love based from how I look at her seeing Evan staring at Scarlet. Balewala na ang iba maliban sa babaeng sentro ng paningin niya.

I was like that with Vinnie. But why did she still leave me?

And Scarlet...she reminds me of Davina because of her issues. She looks at my cousin like he's a god. Evan noticed, and he's fulfilling her prayers through a kiss.

Ngumiti ako. He's predictable like that.

Did Davina look at me that way? Yeah...I felt it. I saw it. She looked at me that way. Na parang ako lang ang kailangan niya sa buhay niya at wala nang iba. Sana hinahanap din niya ako. She knows where to find me. I ain't the world's most kept secret while she was trying to be one. Still in running.

The running time, the days and the years can testify my trials of love and longing.

I flew to New York together with some crew to receive an award regarding this particular documentary that was secretely inspired by her. Sa gawang ito binuhos ko ang pangungulila sa kanya.

With my interviews of the subjects, I tried to seek for possible reasons of Davina's departure.

Nabababawan lang talaga ako sa rason mo, Vin. Hindi ko maintindihan ang lohiko o paniniwala mo sa mga desisiyon mo. Kung sabagay, magkaiba naman tayo. At napagtanto kong hindi ko pinagdaanan ang mga naranasan mo, kaya siguro hindi ko maintindihan.

Kaya naisip ko na ikaw ang dapat kong intindihin at hindi ang rason mo. Kung noon ay sa gantinong paraan ko tinanggap ang paliwanag mo, aalis ka pa rin kaya?

Isang linggo ang balak kong manatili para na rin magkaroon ako ng New Year break. My schedule's tight on that holiday so I wasn't able to celebrate with my family.

Bringing my camera pack, I strolled along the frigid winter streets of Time's Square. Binalot ng naka-knitted gloves kong mga kamay ang video camera kong kinukuhanan ang actual winter sa siyudad.

Tinama ko ang video sa nakatalikod na babaeng hanggang baywang ang silver at itim na buhok. Yumuko ito ay may pinulot sa niyebeng lupa. Ililipat ko na sana ang video sa ibang direksyon.

Shiver shoots through my spine. Tuluyan nang binaon ng niyebe ang paa ko at nanigas sa kinatatayuan.

"Fuck me..."

The beat of familiarity at the pit of my longing heart is screaming an alarm.

Davina. I was still denying this realm. This just feels so surreal to find her after being aware of searching for her. Tunay nga talagang huwag mag-expect at maghanap dahil kusa itong magpapakita.

And oh my, with longer hair cascading along her small beautiful face, my entire being ached by the sight of her. Almost six years, Vin. Jesus...

May tumawag sa kanyang kakilala dahilan ng kanyang paglingon. Kausap niya ito, and God forbid the surge of my emotions when I saw her laugh. A real one.

Sa distanya ko mula sa kanya ay kita ko kung gaano siya kasaya. It didn't just reach her eyes. Her smiles reach me. And I'm reaching her.

Binaba ko na ang camera. Surprisingly, I was still able to walk despite my weak bones. Ngunit tila kay bagal ng mga hakbang ko hindi ko man sadyain. It's like treading on moving water flowing against purpose. Sa halip na ianod ako sa kanya ay tila pinipigilan pa ako nito!

Isang tawag ko lang sa pangalan niya ay lilingunin niya ako pero hindi ko man lang mabuksan ang bibig ko. Her name is at the base of my throat, suffocating me.

Hinahayaan ko na ang utak ko ang sumigaw sa pangalan niya. It might work some magic spell and she would turn her pretty head in my direction.

Tapos na siya sa kausap. She's walking away. Mas binilisan ko ang mga hakbang ko. My legs started to ache but the pain be damned!

Sinundan ko siya hanggang sa pumasok siya sa isang sikat na brand ng coffee shop.

Is she working there? May kikitain ba siya o gusto lang niyang magkape? Was she alone? Or is somene waiting for her? Oh, God! Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin! I'm just...I just want to talk to her. I want to hug her. Kiss her nonstop. Bring her home or marry her.

Ni hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula kapag magkita kami. What would be her reaction? Matutuwa kaya siya?

Hindi siya lumingon nang pumasok ako. I adjusted my beanie to cover my whole forehead. Bumilis ang paghinga ko nang dumaan ako sa likod niya.

I smelled her from there. She doesn't smell like lavender anymore but she still smells great.

I'm torn between wishing na kakausapin niya ako but at the same time not. Takot ako na wala akong masabi. Sa dami ng gusto kong sabihin at gawin sa kanya ay hindi ko alam kung alin ang uunahin.

Ano ba dapat unahin? Kamustahin siya? Yakapin ? Halikan? Tabihan mag-kape?

I strained my ears to hear her laugh at what the female barista told her.

"Name please?"

"Vinnie."

Ngumiti ako. Another wave of shiver coursed through me hearing your voice. Pumikit ako at halos mapaluhod. Nilalagpasan na ako ng pagpipigil ko!

And fuck! You use my name for you, Vinnie! Gusto kong mag-wild sa saya!

Isang beses ko pa siyang sinulyapan at pinasidahan ang haba ng buhok niya. Natutukso akong hilain ang hibla upang ipaalam sa kanyang nasa likod niya lang ako.

Vinnie! Dito! Lingon ka!

Muntik ko pa iyong inamoy. I'm such a creep.

Ngunit ngayong abot kamay kita, nilalayo ko naman ang sarili ko. Siguro hindi pa ako handa. Hindi ko naman ito pinaghandaan. Papanoorin nalang muna kita habang hinahanda ang sarili ko.

She sat near the glass wall. Nakaharap siya rito sa pwesto na inuupuan ko sa pinakadulo. May tinawag akong barista, nagsabi ng order at sinabing ihatid na lang ang kape ko.

Hiding is taking priority 'cause I can't seem to face her right now. I'm insecure through those people who made her laugh like that. Tangina gusto kong ako ang nakakarinig ng totoo mong tawa, Davina. Iyong hindi peke.

At sa nakikita ko, totoo ang kasiyahan mo ngayon. Hiniling ko na sana ako ang rason pero imposible yata.

Sinasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko sa mga iniisip ko. Every wish is painful for me because they're all for you and you don't know it. I wish you knew. Your real smile is an answered prayer of mine, Vin.

Ngunit masakit ang bawat hiling dahil alam kong hanggang hiling lang ito.

I pulled out a book from my bag and covered my face, leaving my eyes open for me to watch her. Binuksan niya ang kanyang Mac, nagsuot ng headphone at masayang nag headbang sabay sa kung anong pinapatugtog niya.

I wonder if she's working. Kung nag order lang siya ng kape rito then she must have another job. Is she pursuing a career in correlation to her course? She's busy typing on her laptop so it must involve something that uses online connection. Home-based?

Hanggang sa dumating ang kape niya ay sinundan ko siya ng tingin sa pagkuha nito. She sipped, and helped herself with the cake. Pagkatapos lamunin ang kinakain ay sinasabayan niya ang kanta.

I watched her lips move. I wish those have not been kissed by another lips, Vinnie. Just like mine that stays faithful.

Wala sa sariling lumipad ang daliri ko sa aking labi at inipit ito. Bumuntong hininga ako.

This is just so overwhelming my chest ached so bad to the extremes.

Mukhang naipon ang mga nawalang taon para sa atin Davina at tinambak ngayon, at matindi ang bagsak nito nang makita ulit kita. The downpour of my emotions as I catch sight of you again is as heay as the snowfall.

White snowfall as pure as this love that has never been given to just anyone. Never. This has always been yours, Vin. I have always been yours.

Without her dark make-up, with the falling snow outside as the backdrop. She glows. She looks ethereal.

Stab of pain hits me in my chest ending with a throb of weighted emptiness. Then again, how could emptiness feels so heavy that it entails the strength of suffocating me?

Kasi kulang ang ganito lang, Vin. I have to be there next to you but I couldn't find my feet walking towards you. Kahit ang tumayo ay sadyang kay hirap dala ang mabigat na kasiyahang ito!

Tutok na tutok siya sa screen ng laptop habang hinihila ang hibla ng buhok niya sa ilalim malapit sa batok. Nakanguso siya.

I smiled again. That never changes. I missed that move of yours everytime you're deep-thinking. Or deep-thoughtng, as you term it.

Shit!

Mabilis kong inangat ang libro nang mag-taas siya ng tingin. Binibingi ako ng sariling kaba. My sweat is competing against the cold winter.

Goddamn it, Jaxon! Nakikita ka ng sambayanang Pilipino sa mga pagre-report mo sa TV, pero ang ni-magpakita kay Davina ay naduduwag ka? To where did you misplace your balls?

Naiwan pa yata sa reclining chair sa tattoo parlor.

She is here in fucking New York. All along! Hindi pa masyadong nag sink-in sa utak ko.

Sinundan ko siya hanggang sa tinitirhan niyang apartment. I also found out that she's a regular in the coffee shop. I followed her through her working place in a designing firm.

Turns out, she's big here! Sa mga nakapanayam kong co-workers niya ay malaking kompanya ang ginagawan niya ng logo designs and movie posters galing sa mga bigating pelikula. That gained my interest to set an interview with her.

Ngayon ay sinusundan ko sila ng kaibigan niya. She's talkative and funny. Reminds me of her best friend Tori. Kaya siguro sila close dahil sa pagkakatulad ng dalawa. I'm happy to know she has someone here.

Magkakasundo kami. She makes my Vinnie happy. I'm glad it's not some other American guy. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag nakita siyang may iba, at Kano pa!

"Kels," tawag ko sa kaibigan kinagabihan.

"Hey, how's New York?"

"I saw her, Kels."

The wake of seeing her again is a fireball burning in my skin. Lalo na sa kaliwang dibdib ko. Too much overwhelmdness and surreality is so painful, not even ten deep-breathings were able to soothe the burn.

"Who?"

"Davina. She's here. God...I-Ican't..." Mariin akong napapikit at wala sa sariling sinusuklay ng mga daliri ang buhok ko.

"Really?" she gasped and shrieked. "Oh my God! And? What did you do? Anong sinabi niya? Was she shocked, too?"

"I...I didn't talk to her." Ramdam ko ang disappointment sa sarili. "Jesus! Naduwag ako! I mean...h-hindi ko alam! I didn't know what to do, Kels. I think I just lost my brain out there. What should I do?" Bumuntong hininga ako at hinaplos ang dibdib pagkatapos bugbugin ng ilang beses. "Fuck..."

Tumawa si Kelsey sa kabilang linya. "Wait, are you crying, Jaxon?"

"No..." But my voice betrayed me. I am almost crying! Sa sobrang saya o pinaghalong pakiramdam ay nag-uumalpas at gustong kumawala! "It's just that...it hurts. It hurts..." The impact of seeing her hurts. "I can't explain. I was shocked! Un-fucking-believable. I almost shit fire in my pants and send winter into a wildfire!"

"Oh my God!" tawa ni Kelsey. "I don't know if I should be disappointed at you o tatawanan kita."

"Both?" Napailing ako nang binalikan ang kahapon. "Holy mother of God...she's so beautiful! Long hair, silver and black, she drinks coffee every morning and during afternoon breaks. Namumula ang pisngi niya sa lamig dito. She works in a designing firm and...she 's tall!"

Nanginig ang bibig ko habang kinukuwento ito sa kanya. I still can't move on it feels like a dream.

Tumawa siya. Napangiti na rin ako, tinatawanan ang sarili.

"Come on, Jaxon. You've been looking for her for going six years now. You two should meet. Because at last, right? You seeing her speaks for something."

Pero naghiwalay ang mga landas namin na may poot sa puso. She pushed me away. I want her to be the one to pull me into her this time. Pero paano mangyayari iyon kung hindi kami magkikita?

Unless kung nakita na niya ako. At hindi niya ako nilapitan. That added to the hurt.

"Her birthday's this Sunday. Do you think I should surprise her?" I asked.

"Voila! That's what you should do!"

Dalawang dosenang red roses ang inorder ko pagkatapat ng Linggo. I don't know what to expect but the thrill had already deprived me of sleep since last night.

Tinungo ko ang daan papunta sa suki niyang coffee shop. Alam kong tapos na siyang makapag-kape dahil lumagpas na ang umaga. I'm just going to buy her favorite cake. Not a slice this time but a whole bunch for her day.

She's twenty seven today. You made it, babe!

Lumiko ako sa isang deli at bahagya pang nagulat na makita siyang nasa parehong sidewalk kung saan ako naglalakad. Handa na ang ngiti ko at ang mga bulaklak nang lumingon siya.

Kaagad akong huminto. I froze, bracing myself for the moment that she'd meet my eyes.

But no, it didn't happen. She was holding her own set of flowers, too. Hindi ko naawat ang sama ng tingin ko. She likes roses! Naka-tattoo nga ang mga rosas sa kanya! So I bet my ass she doesn't like those fucking flowers who the fucking ever gave her that!

May tumawag sa kanya. It's a man this time. Ngumiwi ako. Naka-scarf pa! Tss. Pussy.

But I feel like I am the pussy one when her lips pulled into a smile for him. For him! Ngumiti siya sa lalakeng iyon! Tangina! Nanginig ang mga kamay kong hawak ang bouquet. Para akong tanga na nakatayo rito at pinapanood kayo!

This made me think if she ever smiled at me as real as how she does to that scarf man.

How I wish those smiles you held for me were not fake ones, Vin. Baka kasi naging peke lang din ang nararamdaman mo sa akin. Ayoko. Hindi ako papayag! What would make this true love if what it gets in return is a fake one?

Nanginig ako sa galit na nilalabo nito ang paningin ko nang lumapat ang labi niya sa kay Davina. Walang panama ang bagsak ng niyebe sa akin at tinunaw lang ito sa pag-aalab ko.

Umusok ang bibig ko gawa ng lamig sa marahas kong paghinga. Umiinit ang mga mata ko na hindi alam kung sa galit na rin ba o sa luha na.

Fuck, Vin. Siya na ba? Kayo na ba, Davina? Kaya ka niya hinahalikan at hinahayaan mo siya dahil kayo na, Vin? Itsapuwera na ako, huh? Tangina nandito ako! Nasa harap niyo lang!

Pero sa bagay, posible nga naman. Anim na taon din, Vin. Ikaw ang nang-iwan kaya malamang ikaw ang unang makakahanap ng iba!

Nabingi ako sa ragasa ng dugo ko. Hiniling na sana bangungot lang ang nasa harapan ko.

But my silent hope failed me. Their lips still touched. Nakapikit pa siya habang hinahalikan ng lalakeng iyan! Humigpit pa ang hawak niya sa bouquet bigay ng lalakeng iyan!

Wala na akong maintindihan sa paligid na ang una kong ginawa ay ihagis ang mga bulaklak. Tumalikod ako at umalis bitbit ang galit ko. Marahas kong hinati ang pangkat ng mga nagtatawanan sa pagdaan ko.

Namamanhid ang mga tuhod at kamay ko. I want to punch someone! At dahil wala akong masuntok ay bumalik ako sa hotel.

May dahas kong hinubad ang aking trench coat at shirt saka hinagis sila sa kung saan. Sumigaw ako at ilang beses sinuntok ang pader habang inaalala bawat hagod ng labi ng lalakeng iyon kay Davina.

That should have been me, Vinnie. I should have been the one kissing you like that!

Kinuha ko ang mga throw pillows at tinapon ng paulit-ulit. Hindi pa ako nakalma sa galit ay ang mga vase ang sinunod ko at ang mesa mismo ay tinumba ko. Nagpunta ako sa kwarto at inalis ang mga kumot at tinapon ang mga unan. Tinadyakan ko ang kama at subukang baligtarin. Tinapon ko ang telepono. Inuga ang cabinet. Tumumba ng panibagong mesa hanggang sa ako'y makalma.

Hingal kong pinagmasdan ang paligid. My room is a disaster now. Not long after I called room service and I paid for the damages. Pinapanood ko lang ang mga tauhan na naglilinis ng mga kalat ko at mga binasag kong bagay.

"What the hell, Jaxon? Naka-set na iyong Safari trip ko para sa documentary sa Africa! And now you want a last minute exchange of assignment? I thought your interview with Davina Claravel was final? Alam na ba 'to ni boss?"

Nilayo ko ang cellphone ko sa naghihisterikal na boses ni Selma. She's also in New York with me ngunit sa ibang hotel siya nagpa-book.

"Just do it, Selma. Ask me any favors in the future and I'll do it."

Buntong hininga lang ang nakuha ko at tinapos na niya ang tawag. I know she'll do it at ako ang pupunta ng Africa. I know what I did was unprofessional but I just want to calm the hurt. That wasn't too much to ask.

"Are you okay, Sir? Would you like me to call a nurse for your hand?"

Umiling ako na hindi tinignan ang nagtanong na amerikanang staff. Mahapdi nga ang kamao ko pero wala lang ito. This pain is nothing.

"I'm fine," ani ko, nagdidikit ang ngipin at halos hindi bumuka ang bibig.

Hindi pa rin ako nagbibihis. I remain topless and sitting at the windowsill watching them fix my damages. Inabutan ako ng kumot ng isang staff. Umiling ulit ako. Anong gagawin ko sa kumot? Mainit ang pakiramdam ko so I don't need it! I'm not even cold. I'm still hot angry!

It's your birthday, Vin. Ano na kaya ang ginagawa mo ngayon kasama ng lalakeng iyon? Kasi kung ako lang ang kasama mo, we would have probably made love already.

Pero hindi ako ang kasama mo, e. Ganon ba ang ginagawa niyo ngayon?

May dahas akong napahilamos sa aking mukha. Nanginginig na ako isipin ko pa lang iyon!

No, please, Vin. Don't dare make love with someone else. It would be the death of me hearing echoes of your voice moaning someone else's name.

Instead of dumping the pain, I welcome every hurt to put myself together. Stronger.

I still miss you, Vin. So much. Wala akong galit na dapat alagaan para sa iyo. I'm not mad at you at all. Sa sarili ko ako galit. Kung mas maaga lang kitang nahanap. Kung naging matapang lang ako nang nakita ulit kita, then that kiss would not have happened. And I'm mad at the situation. Not at you, Vinnie. Not at you.

You with another man doesn't mean you're going to end up with him. Iyon ang pinanghahawakan ko. No matter how many times he has kissed you, a kiss or a fuck won't assure that he's the one for you! You're not going to end up with just someone else.

I am the man for you, Davina. No other than.