She turned on her phone's music player as she tied up her hair to a messy bun. She adjusted her eyes and blinked a couple of times before she took a deep breath. It was time.

It was a typical weekend for her. One where even she had a lot of readings and homeworks to do, she chose to indulge herself with the complex world of doing nothing and chilling.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror, and she somehow didn't recognize the eyes that looked back at her. The stare was all the same--glassy and longing for something that her subtle lips cannot name-- yet now she stares hard and long, as if she won't stop carving a hole into someone's soul not until she'd find an answer to her stare.

NP: She used to be mine by Sarah Bareilles

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

She averted her gaze from the mirror and brought herself to sit on her bed. She took a long dwindling breath and lay her back gently on her soft duvets. She began again to stare intently on her ceiling as the song that was playing filled her entire room.

Most days, she couldn't recognize herself-- seeming to be lost in the vast wave of souls that walk the streets of the world, looking for purpose, looking for substance, as to why one continues to exist even without knowing its purpose.

It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She was never the achiever, her brother shadowing her small accomplishments yet she was grateful that she had them, experienced them herself. She was a complacent girl, not aiming for attention, just recognition even if oblivion came in next.

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help

She have had a lot of moments where she was not proud of what she has done; moments where she thought she should have tried harder, moments where she could have made a difference yet she wasn't able to. And yet she strives to love herself despite what she has done and what she hadn't.

She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time

She lay on her side as her tears fell, seeping across her pink pillows. The past few months wasn't an easy road to trudge for her and yet she managed to get past it.

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

She'll never be the same girl; her old self was gone. Her successes, failures, smiles, tears, her scars changed her yet she evolved to make her new self a whole lot stronger than the old one.

She'll have the same heart but stronger; she'd weep the same tears but not for the same reason; she'd feel pain as long as she was fighting but she'll be better.

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Her old self has gone but never forgotten. She will continue to fight. She will. For herself.

With what seemed to be ab infallible smile on her face, she closed her eyes and drifted to sleep, as the song from her phone quietly faded into the seams.

Happy birthday Czar. 💕 kimjonginxx