Ruth cannot believe her ears. She finally remembered his name-- the guy in her class that she has been crushing on for weeks now.

"James. Ah, sweet James." She whispered gently, as if tasting the sweetness of the name she just uttered on her lips. She heard her blockmate call this guy's name and bam, she was thankful. That at long last, the wild goose chase of unveiling, remembering his name was over.

She let out a long, labored sigh. She got up from her seat and dashed to the ladies' bathroom. She passed by James while she was on her way there. Her stare lingered and then she decided to let it loose.

After going to the bathroom, she told one of her closest friend, Eva about her newly found information.

"Guess what, I remember his name." Ruth started, poking her friend by the waist. Eva snapped her neck at her and let out a grin.

"Oh please. Of course you remember. You even whisper his name as if it's yours." Eva replied, laughing hard after saying that statement.

"I do not!" She chimed, crossing both her arms in front of her chest whilst grinding her teeth.

"Well, I don't think so."

Liar. She thought of him often, too often.

Weeks have careened and her heart grew fonder and fonder of him even if they rarely talk. James was the kind of guy that only talked when it is of importance. And he barely talks first, someone has to initiate a talk before he does. And Ruth was the opposite of him. She was an outspoken lass. Unabashed to laugh boisterously in public places. She was cool and is friends with everybody in her block. While James, pretty, soulful, timid James was all the more silent and reserved. Yet he was never less beautiful to her eyes.

She loved the mysteriousness he holds. With his abyssmal eyes that often stare off space when he was not doing anything, almost seeming that the universe hangs in the balance between those two brown eyes of his.

She knew nothing of him but she was wise enough to observe his actions and that she saw, that he was humble and kind and God-fearing and because of that, she was given more reasons to adore him.

She can even remember the very first time she heard his voice. They were rivals on a debate during their Ethics class back when they were still second year college students. She remembered how she scrutinized him, threw him questions that left him in stupor, in awe.

That was the moment she knew, he existed.

It was a delight for her that she and James are staying in the same dormitory. She was blessed by a myriad of chances to see him in a day. She was nevertheless happy, delighted even by that fact.

"Hey Ruth. Stop daydreaming will you? We have exams to study for." Eva said, snapping Ruth out of her daze. She shrugged her shoulders and continued with her recollection, her remembering the moments where the two of them crossed paths.

She can recall the time when she first messaged him online. It was the first time that she reached out to him. She was with some of her blockmates, making plans to go on a buffet restaurant that was just near her school when she heard that Khael, who happened to be James' roomate, left James' shoulder bag last night at the exact restaurant where they were heading to.

She was told that James and his roommates went to this buffet restaurant last night.

She took this as a chance to help him out, this time, not so subtly. She came up with the reason that because they were heading to the same restaurant, she can pick up the bag herself and return it to him when she gets back to the dormitory.

"Hi James. I overheard Drino saying that Khael left your bag at Pachino's Buffet. I wouldn't mind getting it for you. It wouldn't be much of a trouble since we'll be eating there for lunch anyway." Ruth typed, sending the it to him via Messenger.

"Thank you Ruth for doing this. Khael hasn't texted me but he said he'd go there to claim it." He replied instantaneously.

"Oh okay. It's no big deal. I'll just ask around when I get there. No big deal." She chatted.

"Thank you Ruth." He replied, his last one as a matter of fact.

She cannot help but smile at the memory. He was truly a man of few words. Its as if every word from him was expensive.

There have been plenty of times when they both randomly crossed paths in the dormitory or while they were on their lecture rooms and she remembers all of them. She can recall every encounter they had.

She was that meticulous. He was that important to her. And hew knew nothing. At least not yet.

She has written a letter for him and she plans to give it to James through his roommate who happens to be close to her.

She got out from her backpack the handwritten letter wrote for him.

"James,

It was not so long ago when I first met you. You were alone on the cafeteria hallway, wearing your square-rimmed glasses, parading that beautiful smile. Your chin was held up high, your chest strongly emphasized. I admit that when I saw you, I was still moving on from an unrequited love that time. I was in a phase where writing upholded me and with God's will, in His subtle way, He led me to see you.

I admit that my feelings for you before were not as intense as they are now. I do not know what sparked this fire. I cannot pinpoint the specific reason as to why of all souls out there, my eyes reveled on you.

You are quiet, reserved; words only seem to come out of your mouth when you think it is worth thinking, saying and I, admire you for that. It's a funny thing though. I promised myself to never ever let this crush thing about you progress but boy here I am now.

I cannot reveal myself to you just yet. I am afraid of rejection and pain, of wearing my heart on my sleeve. But remember, I am afraid of being hurt but never ever am I going to be afraid of telling someone that I like them. I always believe that its always a nice gesture, a precious thing to let people know that they are appreciated and that somehow, their lives made a difference on someone else's.

I admit that I am afraid of this feeling, afraid that one day, this will progress into something more than just a silly infatuation but I am willing to put myself out there.

And worry not of me, I am not forcing you to take pity on me, notice me, reciprocate my feelings; all I am asking for is--just let me live with these feelings for you; allow me to walk freely in this world with a heart that admires you. Allow me to wear my heart on my sleeve. Just don't tell me how much of you I am allowed to admire, to appreciate.

James, you are really great and I really want to know more of you. I want to be your friend, your go-to-buddy whenever you need help. Remember thay one time when I asked to help you? That was my subtle way of letting you know that I care about you.

But worry not, I am leaving that to God. I am giving Him the power to decide for me, for my feelings and how he'll let you handle it. I am not rushing for in God's time, what He wills, He wills. Just know that I am here in the corner, silently cheering for you during your swimming practices. Know that I am your biggest fan even though I cheer for you ever so quietly.

Your smile, that poignant sweet smile. In a day, whenever I see you laugh or giggle, it just helps me get by. You are so pure and simple, it brings me to my knees. It gets me to my knees, to pray to God, thanking Him for sending you--you and your kind heart, in this world full of uncertainty and fleeting dreams.

I cannot put to words all my thoughts for you, but I hope that in this gentle confession of mine, you will be able to realize that you are worth admiring and noticing. We almost had the same birthday ya know.

In anyway, thank you for reading this and stay kind!

"His footsteps were planets
His shadows formed comets
He became her whole blazing sky."

"What he gives in love, is far better than anything else you'll find." - James 4:5

Sincerely yours,
Someday you'll know."

* * *
Her final exams were nearing and she was down to her last week in school. She was jovial, but somewhere deep in her she was sad too.

And she knew why. It would take two painstaking weeks until she'd get to see James again.

After she sent the letter last August, everything has changed.

It took James about two weeks to figure out who sent the letter. All else went downhill after him discovering that it was her.

She knew she'd regret her decision of putting her heart out again in the open. But she was always the brave one. She was always the one who loves even if nothing is certain. She was always willing to give even if she ends up getting hurt.

She relished in pain. She was happy to get hurt. She embraced the blows because by then, she'd feel alive the most.

James grew distant from her. Well not that they were close to each other to begin with.

It was painful for her. She was pained to see how he could easily strike up a conversation with her close friends and yet he keeps his mum whenever she is around.

She regretted every bit of her actions. She was just too giving. She just wanted to tell him that he was worth appreciating, worth loving.

She just wanted to appreciate people; tell them how beautiful they are, how they deserve every single blissful thing in this world but she ended up hurting herself and hurting her dignity.

It was a tough life for Ruth. She hated herself for her bravery. She hated how courageous her heart is to confess to someone even in the events of rejection and uncertainty.

She often felt bad for herself. Knowing that never will she ever experience someone liking her back.

She saw herself as unworthy of attention, of love. She thought of herself as devoid of beauty, of grace but that never stopped her to love, the kind that's selfless and unconditional.

Its a funny thing. How those who are ever so willing to give out their heart are the one's who often end up empty handed. How those people who are so benevolent with love are the ones who often end up getting hurt and tossed the seams and forgotten and taken for granted.

While those who do nothing, sit pretty, are the ones who end up getting the perfect love stories.

Its a pain really. How others bleed and burn just to send their love to those they deem are worthy and yet always end up with nothing. And how those who have someone to love them, appreciate them, end up taking others for granted, comfortwd by the fact that they have someone to love them no matter how they treat them.

"Poignant smile, square-rimmed glasses." Ruth whispered, before she downed a whole bottle of Valium, wishing to never wake up.

* * *
She did not die because of him or something that he didn't reciprocate. She dissipated out of all the sadness that accumulated; those that she has kept and felt for years.

The pain that only started out as a tiny blotch on her life's canvas flooded the entire surface, messed her up and killed her.

At least with her gone, she can no longer bleed and feel as if she is being constantly haunted by the love that she has been trying to give around for so long.

With the notion that no one wanted her love-- her heart that she always was ready to give away to those she deems worthy of it-- came crashing back at her and dissolved her.

Fin