The road disappeared hours ago. The blond-haired, blue-eyed Zander Burke searched Townsend's conservation land for a hidden geocache. We'd been searching for this thing since we were ten years old. At eighteen, Zander was still determined to find the item, fueled by the stories of success from online forums. "If they can find it, then so can we," he said.

Zander hoped to find the stupid thing before he left for Barcelona tomorrow. I gave up years ago. In my opinion, he was distracting himself from the inevitable goodbye. We wouldn't see each other for a whole year. A year was an eternity in the lives of eighteen-year-olds. We'd been out here for hours, on the verge of getting lost. The woods seemed to stretch on forever. Hungry and bored, I was done with this search.

"I think it's time we found a way back home," I said to Zander. He was always the cool, calm, and collected one, the one who kept me in line whenever I was about to lose it. And now I was about to lose it for a variety of reasons.

"You know what your problem is, Holden? You give up too easily. You'll never get what you want in life if you always give up."

Zander was right. I gave up all the time. I mean, I never fought for anything. Whenever things got difficult, I shriveled up and shrunk, hoping to fade away. The slightest confrontation was enough to shut me down.

If I fought just a little, then maybe I'd be going on this backpacking adventure with my lifelong friend, Zander.

He wasn't just a friend, though. He was everything to me. We discovered we were soulmates on a camping trip the summer before we entered middle school. Scared and confused, I'd been struggling with these emotions for a year before I confronted Zander... or rather Zander confronted me. It turned out that he also struggled with these emotions. On a Boy Scout camping trip, we lay on our backs in our tent, unable to sleep, the crickets chirping outside. It wasn't the crickets that were keeping us awake, though. We had a lot of things on our minds.

"I think I'm gay," Zander said.

"What?" I couldn't believe what I just heard.

"Yeah, I like boys," he said matter-of-factly.

I'd never been so happy in my life. I was so happy I almost cried, but I was brought up to believe that 'boys don't cry.' "I think I am, too."

"Liar. You're just saying it because I said it."

Zander was always the leader while I was the follower. But this was different. To prove him wrong, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. It was the most courageous thing I'd ever done in my life. At eleven years old, kissing each other's cheeks was as far as things went. By the end of middle school, we'd perfected kissing and yearned for more. Rather, Zander yearned for more. I was too scared. After all these years, Zander and I didn't consummate our friendship until six months ago.

Being gay wasn't an option for me, just like taking a year off after high school to travel around Europe wasn't an option.

But was being gay really an option?

In my Boy Scout years, fear and anxiety hadn't yet got a grip on me. Damn, I missed the days when I was just a kid. My fear became my shadow, and I didn't know how to let go of it. As I grew up, I lost so many things, and it my own damn fault I lost those things.

Just like the road, Zander disappeared although I heard him in the distance, the sound of leaves crunching under his feet. "Earth to Holden! Hello, Holden!" Zander called from somewhere in the woods.

"Zander, where are you?"

"Over here! You're so slow! I found it! Come quick! You gotta see this!"

I followed his voice, hoping I wouldn't get lost on my way to him. As I fought off the tree branches, I spotted Zander holding a black plastic cylinder. He rushed to me and hugged and kissed me as if he just struck gold. "Open it so we can get going," I said.

He dumped out the contents. As he unrolled the prize, he burst into laughter. "It's Flat Stanley," I said as if we didn't already know that.

"This is apropos, isn't it?" Zander said. As Flat Stanley lay on the ground, Zander recorded his find on the tiny piece of paper and stuck it back in the cylinder. He then rolled Flat Stanley back up and placed it in his backpack. "Oh, you won't believe the places this guy will go." The goal was to find a geocache in Europe and place Flat Stanley there for the next person to find. Hopefully Flat Stanley would make it around the world.

Shadows cast over the trees, a sign it was about to rain, or we'd been out there so long the sun was about to set. I sat on the nearby boulder and took a sip from my water bottle. Zander sat beside me and brought his arm around me, sensing my sadness.

"It's not too late to change your mind," he said. "I can lend you some money."

Zander had been saving for this trip for as long as I could remember. I had a few bucks, but I couldn't spare a penny since I was about to start college, a very expensive college. I hoped to become a physical therapist and Northeastern University had one of the best programs in the state. Zander opted to take a year or two off before college. I totally would have gone with him if my parents didn't control every aspect of my life. Inseparable since the first grade, he begged me to go and continued pleading, both verbally and nonverbally with his eyes until he walked through the airport gate.

His parents didn't give a crap what he did while mine were the overbearing helicopter type who organized my life for me. It was college or nothing.

It was straight or heterosexual or nothing.

I never knew what was worse: overbearing over-involved parents or parents who didn't give a shit. His parents were what I considered high functioning alcoholics. They worked regular nine to five jobs but spent most of their evenings drinking bottles of wine. I didn't blame Zander for wanting to leave. I had no idea what it was like to be invisible, but Zander'd been invisible forever. His parents were the types who probably shouldn't have had kids.

"Don't do this," I said.

"We were born to roam together, Holden," he said, pleading his case, his attempt to convince me to go with him... again. "You have a choice. Don't let your parents make choices for you."

Ever since we were five years old, Zander and I roamed in our own little world. The two of us wreaked havoc in my backyard, digging up worms and calling them our friends. We had only each other and the worms.. We were two misfits and we liked it that way.

"Don't make this harder than it already is," I said as he patted my back.

"You're gonna stay with me tonight, right?"

I nodded. It would be the last night we'd spend together until next year. My parents thought of us as little kids, camping in the backyard in our sleeping bags. Sure, maybe we slept in the backyard occasionally, but we shared a sleeping bag and did other things besides sleep.

Nowadays we usually slept in his bedroom in his bed.

We didn't sleep a wink that night, doing everything but sleep.

Zander promised to send me a postcard every week, and he never broke a promise. A year after we said goodbye at the airport, he still hadn't broken a promise. He sent me postcards from Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon, several cities in France, one from Belgium, a few from the Netherlands, and Germany. He even made it to the Czech Republic, Croatia, and Poland. Each postcard made me miss him more.

The longest year of my life was finally coming to an end. Fifty-two postcards lay on my bed as I picked up one at a time, re-reading them all. I never expected a fifty-third.

My mother knocked on my door and opened it before I responded.

"You got another postcard," she said. "I'm sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to seeing him."

Her apology confused me. I got off the bed and retrieved the postcard from her. It was a postcard from Killarney, Ireland. As I returned to bed, I read it.

Dear Holden,

I can't tell you how much I've missed you, but you already know that. I was supposed to come home on August 1st, but I'm not ready to come home. To tell you the truth, I see myself as a nomad. You'd love it, Holden, exploring different cities and cultures. I won't be landing in Boston. I plan to visit the state parks. My first stop is Utah. Zion National Park is supposed to be stunning. I know this isn't what you wanted. Wherever I am, you'll always be in my heart. I'll be landing in Salt Lake City around 9:00 pm tomorrow. I'll call you when I can.

Love,

Zander

Tears welled in my eyes; my heart torn in two. Suddenly, I snapped and flung the postcards across my room as if that would solve anything. My heart ached in the worst way.

My mother stood in the doorway her arms folded across her chest as she shook her head. "I don't understand why you don't make new friends," she said. "He obviously has different goals as you. It's on him if he wants to roam the world aimlessly with no goals in life."

"He has goals," I said. "And Zander isn't just a friend. I've told you that before. I've been looking forward to this day all year! Look!" I pointed to the calendar on the wall where I drew a large heart on tomorrow's date.

"What do you mean he's not a friend? What is he then?"

My parents insisted their only child was straight. They expected me to get married to a woman and have the cute little grandchildren my mother always wanted. But I couldn't let guilt consume me anymore. It's not my fault I was gay and an only child.

"Zander's my boyfriend. Disown me if you want. I'll never get married to a woman. Don't you get it?"

There was a fire raging inside me, something I'd never encountered before, and it filled me with a newfound strength. I was ready to fight.

"What's gotten into you, Holden? You're being totally irrational."

This was usually the time where I gave up, not ready or willing to fight. I belonged with Zander. College would always be there.

Despite my parents' overbearing nature, I liked them and loved living in Massachusetts. I just wished they'd listen to me and acknowledge I'll never be what they want me to be. Acceptance would have been nice, too.

And it was time I was my own person.

"I'm not irrational," I said. "I belong with him. What if he never comes home? No... no... his heart is my home."

"What are you talking about? Go take a walk, have a shower, and we'll all go out to eat or something. It's no sense in you getting so worked up."

"You haven't heard a word I've said. I'm not going for a walk. It's raining out, anyway," I said, plopping down on my bed, sulking.

"That's never stopped you before."

"Just go," I said. "I need to think."

"Think about what?"

"About my life! It's my life, not yours, so go."

Reluctantly, she backed out of my room, closing the door behind her. As soon as she left, tears poured out of me. So much for 'boys don't cry.' After sobbing for an hour, I came to my senses, kicking my shadow of fear to the curb. I opened my laptop and searched for cheap flights to Utah. Zander was always the super romantic one. It was about time I did something spontaneous and romantic.

By now, Zander was already on a plane back to the states. I doubted he'd receive a text in the air, but I sent it, anyway. 'See you in Utah. Wherever is your heart I call home.'

I saved my credit card for emergencies. Seeing this as an emergency, I put the plane ticket on my credit card. As if my life depended it on, I frantically stuffed jeans and t-shirts into a suitcase. In my haste, I almost forgot to pack underwear.

"What do you think you're doing?" my dad said as I fetched my toothbrush from the bathroom.

"I'm going on a trip. I may or may not be back in time for school. I have a month to decide." I didn't have time for a father-son discussion or lecture.

"What about work?"

My summer job as a lifeguard at the small-town pond was boring as hell and I wouldn't miss it. I could get a job anywhere. My dad didn't wait for me to respond.

"You have responsibilities," he continued. "You can't just run off whenever the hell you want. Life doesn't work that way."

"I need to figure things out on my own. I'm going. You can choose to accept me or not... tell me I'm not your son and you never want to see me again. I don't care. I have to go."

"Why would I tell you you're not my son and I don't want to see you again? I may not agree with what you're doing, but you're still my son. Just don't expect me to bail you out when you're stuck and can't find your way back home."

"I don't need your help. I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'm not dropping out of college. I might take a  sabbatical."

"A sabbatical at nineteen?"

"Yeah... in Utah."

"Yeah, I just heard that's where Zander's heading, and that's where you're heading, huh?"

"Yep."

"How are you getting to the airport?"

"Um... uh... " I stammered, surprised with my dad's reaction. I figured he'd disown me for flying cross country to be with a boy. "I guess I'll take a taxi... an Uber or something."

"Nah. I'll drive you. It'll cost you a fortune to take a taxi to Boston."

"Don't encourage him!" my mother shouted from the kitchen.

"Aren't you mad?" I asked my dad.

"I'm more disappointed," he said. "But you're an adult. You gotta make your own decisions, even if they're bad ones. You can't rely on Mom and Dad forever."

My mother was so mad and 'disappointed,' she didn't even say goodbye. She didn't want to acknowledge that love was sending my to Utah, love for a man. She might have felt differently if Zander was a girl.

"She'll get over it," my dad said.

She didn't even wish me a safe flight.

I'd never been on a plane before, mostly because my dad had an intense fear of flying. He refused to come into the airport with me, dropping me off at the curb in terminal A.

As the plane took off, I gripped the arms of the seat, taking deep breaths to ease my anxiety. "Take off is always the hardest part," the woman next to me said. "You'll be fine once we're up in the air."

The initial jitters faded as I became more and more excited, envisioning holding Zander again. One hour into the flight and I couldn't stop smiling.

"I said you'd feel better once we were up in the air, didn't I?" the same woman said to me.

At approximately 7:30, the plane landed in Salt Lake City, an hour and a half before Zander was due to land. Even after I collected my suitcase, I still had an hour to spare. To waste time, I wandered around the gift shop. I ended up buying a bouquet of daisies, all various colors.

The excitement and anticipation were almost too much for me to bear. His plane landed and I saw all the passengers making their way through the gate, but I didn't see Zander anywhere. My heart sunk as I realized he wasn't on the plane. My phone buzzed inside my back pocket, startling me. I discovered a fresh text from Zander. 'Look behind you.'

Slowly, I turned around to find Zander standing there, his blond hair practically touching his shoulders. No wonder I didn't see him. Stunned, I froze, overwhelmed with his presence. I cupped his chin and my palms and kissed his mouth. He hugged me, crushing the flowers. Once in my arms, I didn't want to let him go. "Wherever is your heart I call home," he whispered in his ear.

I smiled, nodding against his cheek. "I'm home."