I feel like a part of me is messing more things up rather than fixing them. And I really don't want that to be true.

Honestly, as I'm sitting here upset, I don't have anyone to turn to.

My only real friend is busy. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the universe is probably mad at me. There isn't a moment where I'm feeling that it's okay to just relax and calm the fuck down.

Because I'm not calm. I don't know how to fix anything that's happening.

I'm a mess, full of anxiety and my face screams "someone get her a doctor!"

If what I'm doing is so right, then why isn't anyone siding with me? It can't be that the whole universe thinks I'm wrong. Only two people so far have said I'm right. One person was just so overly excited that it ended up befuddling me.

I keep thinking back to before I did all of this, but I wasn't happy then either.

So, what would make me happy right now? Honestly...I just wish people would apologize and mean it. Prove it. Promise that shit like this won't happen again. I wish people wouldn't ghost me and would just yell at me and get it out with the first time. I wish I could find some people who wanted me in their lives no matter what happens.

Is that immature? A fantasy of a life so perfect with people that I want it to be a reality. But it won't be.

I can't help thinking back to why I started all of this in the first place. What was my mindset then that made me think that this was the way to go with my life? The fact that I didn't want to be pushed around? The feeling of keeping so much anger in that I exploded? Seeing the bad guys get away?

All of the above.

But even now, if I try, I couldn't just go back to the way things were before. Because with my newfound bravery comes consequences I suppose.

Talking to everyone isn't going to solve anything. No one wants to hold up a conversation.

No matter how many times I call them out, they won't hear me or pretend they didn't hear me.

So, I am left alone to think. But I hope you guys read this and can offer some advice. Because as you can see, I've got nothing.