For two years, I've been with people who I thought were my real friends. People who understood me.

My story may not be as severe as yours, but it hurts me.

So, I met four girls and sat with them at lunch, waited for them after school, hung out between classes. It's been two years and towards the end of grade nine I noticed somethings.

They became more distant. They had more inside jokes, and I wasn't included much. Although I think of myself as dramatic, or I take things way to personally, I don't think that's the case here.

Whenever a girl would approach us for a couple minutes and leave, they would back bite, gossip, give each other the "ew who is that clown" look, and just go away to complain and be fake somewhere else.

As a Muslim girl who is struggling with her identity, I gave in. I used to gossip too and give the looks. It sounds incredibly foolish, but trust me, I learned my lesson. So, I tried following the path of righteousness. I stopped back biting, I wouldn't gossip, or do any of the fake girly stuff. I didn't like their jokes.

And a time came when I was more distant, and it makes me cry. Because when I go home with them (Like on the bus and stuff), they made fun of my facial expressions. They always pointed out my insecurities. I shoved it off for a couple of months, but then I couldn't take it. I was depressed and I hated myself extremely, and I lost all my vibrant colour (my lifestyle) and my uniqueness, because I thought something was wrong with me. I remember coming home and just crying saying "what is wrong with me why can't I just have a normal face and expression.

I was so embarrassed.

Then I turned to God. I try to only complain to him because if I told any of them, they would judge and hurt me more.

I've never been in a group chat - Apart from my older cousins and my siblings or my family - I mean in school, with people my age. I never got shout-outs, memes, any real friends, and no long paragraphs. It was always "what's up, nm u?" It still is. It just hurts me every time I'm with them.

I have to be careful. Quiet. Whatever I say, they look at each other, and give the looks I hate. I'm familiar with it because I've seen them do it to other girls and I just feel bad. That's how I found out they were fake friends.

So now, since quarantine, we barely talked until recently. I replied to one of her stories. I was like "ya same hw is too much." and she was like, "ya." A few seconds later, I get dms from other friends. They know each other and I go home with them. So, because of my anxiety of not being normal...I cried because I assumed the worst.

I thought it wasn't a coincidence, that they talked to each other.

Like it's been months! Only now they text me! I was mad. I'm tired of fake people.

When will I find real people who actually stick by me?

I never tell my parents anything because they don't believe in mental health. They can't relate, they only make things worse, they will pity me, and become ashamed. That's why I've been keeping to myself. But it's so hard when you literally have no soul to work it out with.

I'm thankful to complain to God but it's not like he talks back.

Worst of all, the very people that fake everything, they post "ugh I hate fake ppl." HOW CAN THEY BE SO TWO FACED!!! The very people that are fake to me giving me looks whenever I'm with them. They text each other too! On the bus when it's quiet.

The audacity!

My choices? Well right now I'm trusting God. I convince myself he's the only friend but it doesn't help me much I'm going to admit.

What steps do I want to take in the future? I want to express myself.

No more fake. No more hate. Only self-love. By writing and building my connection with god.

Because I'm done with fake friends. They only care about gossip, Air pods, shoes, and how many followers they have. They're not even real. This is a material world. They make fun of anything, everything. They have no respect. Human feelings, like love and compassion, exist.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE ALMIGHTY PUT UR EGO ASIDE AND TALK. DON'T LEAVE ME DRY HANGING!! You know what I mean?

I pray that I get good company in University, at my wedding, at my funeral, and for the rest of my life. I want good natured people who will dm me first.

I don't want to be angry; Always plotting revenge. Because I don't want to stoop lower. I don't want to hate because it makes me a monster.

I want people to send me their thoughts, feelings, and pressures. Anything. I don't want to know "wyd, what's up."

Like can you just be real? I'm a human being too. Hell, we were born in the same year, yet we're treated differently and I'm tired of it.

So, yah that's my final rant

Thoughts?

~M

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Author's Note:

This is the story of M.

I haven't known M for long. Only few months actually but this is something that greatly affects her just like how the stuff in the last entry affected me.

If you have any advice for M then please let it out. If you can relate to M then please do.

If you have a story of your own, then please, send it over.

Sometimes all we need is someone that understands our situation and supports us.

Sometimes all we need to do is just breathe.

Where There's a Lyba, There's a Lane

~Lyba Ali