Chapter 06

They say that people come and people go. It's better to let them go than to beg them to stay. I wonder what would happen if I begged him to stay. 

I would probably be laughing at myself that I chose to beg for him to stay even though I know we're on the edge of giving up. Hindi ko rin nakikita ang sarili ko nagmamakaawa sa kahit sinong tao. I am my father's daughter, and it's not good to see if I'll beg while my father is proud of me for being that brave—that was when I was still close with him. 

I almost begged... But I stopped myself because even though I begged, he would still leave me. Not in a part that he left me without a goodbye, but in a way that will surely break me as a person. 

I didn't want to lose him, but he just disappeared without me knowing it. Well, I had news about his departure the next day, but he didn't even break up with me before leaving me. I think that's also the reason why I'm still holding on—that maybe we're still in a relationship after he left. 

But I'm just fooling myself; his departure is already the answer to my question. He already broke up with me, but he didn't want to tell it in person. So he left without saying anything and left me broken into pieces that I couldn't imagine. The dinner was already the farewell dinner for us.

"Why..." My brother trailed off, catching his breath because of crying. "Why didn't I check you during those times?" 

I looked away. I don't want to see him crying just because of me. I know he cried because of me, but not in this way that he's hurting after I told him what happened to me when he left me in the house. 

After the breakup, I left the house and found myself a condo. It was a separate condo from my brother because his condo was far from my school, so it will be a hassle for me. For him, it's not since he's already working and his condo is near our company. 

Right now, I can feel him blaming himself for what happened. He didn't protect me from everything, but how can he protect me if pain is part of the relationship? How can he protect me from the pain if it was given by someone who's not him? Why is he blaming himself if he didn't contribute to the pain I'm feeling? 

"I'll go home with you... I'll stay there. Babawi ako, Prim." Suminghot siya. "Babawi si Kuya." 

My tears fell when I heard him sob. I looked away and shut my eyes. It hurts to hear him like this. I'm not used to it. He doesn't cry... He didn't shed a tear ever since he was a kid, when Kuya Vance left, when he broke up with Ate Sachi, etc., but this time he did cry because of me. 

I wiped my tears away before heaving a sigh. Humarap ako sa kaniya at ngumiti nang tipid. "Convoy?" 

He nodded. "Let's go," he replied with a smile. His dimples are showing, and his smile reaches his eyes. 

I nodded and went out of his car, and he did the same. Sabay pa kaming lumapit sa iba dahil nandoon din sa banda nila ang kotse ko. Some of them were puffing cigarettes, and they threw them when they saw me walking towards them. 

I love their bond and the respect they have for me. Whenever they know that their actions will make me uncomfortable, they will eventually stop and apologize. I still remember how Shiloh begged in front of me just because I saw him puffing a cigarette one time. He almost cried while saying sorry, which made me laugh. 

"Sorry," sabay-sabay na sabi nila nang makalapit na kami sa kanila.

I chuckled and shook my head. "Parang sira! I'm used to it naman na!" 

"Thank you for coming tonight," I said and walked towards my car. 

Kinausap na rin sila ni Kuya, kaya malaya akong sumakay sa sasakyan ko. I breathed heavily before putting my hands on the steering wheel. I watched them talk and laugh about something. 

A smile formed on my lips when I saw my brother's squinted eyes while laughing. He's happy. He looked happy despite the things we were carrying. 

I think most of the racers I know have a problem with their family or parents. Some of them have a healthy relationship with their parents. I think fate's made a way for them to meet and have the kind of friendship they have. 

There are ten people in front of me, smiling, laughing, and joking around with each other like they're not rivals inside the racetrack. They're friends outside the racetrack, but they're rivals inside. It looked like they weren't friends when they were inside the racetrack. 

Walang gustong magpatalo at magpaubaya dahil lang magkaibigan sila. Isinasantabi ang pagiging magkaibigan dahil mas gusto nilang manalo. 

"Hindi ba napapagalitan si Conrad sa pagre-race niya?" I heard one of my blockmates ask Shiloh. 

Shiloh looked confused. "Bakit naman papagalitan 'yon? E, supported siya ng parents niya," he replied, licking his lower lip and taking a glance at me. 

Magkalayo kasi kami ng table, nasa may right side ako at siya ay nasa left side. Nasa gitna dapat siya, kaso pinalipat siya ng isang blockmate namin dahil katabi ni Shiloh ang jowa n'ong blockmate namin. Seloso rin kasi ang isang 'yon. 

"Uh, siyempre mayroong times na sumasali kayo sa illegal rac—"

"Ang fake news naman ng pinagkuhanan mo ng kwento tungkol sa amin!" Shiloh laughed. I'm aware of those races they're joining, but it's not illegal since they're competing for their districts and team.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ng kausap ni Shiloh. "Shiloh, huwag ka nang magpanggap. Sumasali kayo sa illegal racing." 

Shiloh smirked and shook his head disappointedly. "Pakisabi sa nagsabi sa 'yo niyan ay matuto siyang mag-fact check bago siya magkalat ng news, ha?" he said, annoyed with the accusations. "Ibang team naman 'yon, hindi Red Hunter at Hot Shots." 

I shrugged and didn't look at them after that. I just plugged my AirPods into my ear and focused on reading my notes. We'll be having our long quiz for our next subject, and I don't want to fail. Who wants to fail anyway? No one. Unless you're attending your class just because your parents required you to attend it. 

For me, it's like a responsibility to attend this class because I'm the daughter of a businessman and a businesswoman. It felt like a shame if you didn't attend the classes and didn't pass. They would think it's easy because they've been here, but the truth is, it's not as easy as they think. Maybe for them, it's easy, but for me, because I don't love business, it's quite difficult to say it's easy. 

In this course, I have to pass or else I'll be sent back to England, where I have to face my grandmother's wrath, which I never imagined I would experience. She's merciless when it comes to punishing her own family. While my grandfather is just cool with what I'm doing. I am the only girl of Bearman's. All of my cousins are boys; that's why they expect a lot from me. 

"Do you think he's in England?" I asked Kuya Simon while we were eating here in my living room. 

He went straight here from work because he said he would make it up to me. Hindi naman kailangan dahil tapos na 'yon, pero heto siya, pinaninindigan ang mga salita. Ayaw talaga akong iwanan pagkatapos niyang malaman 'yung nangyari. 

"I don't think he's there," he replied. "You know how he fears Nanna. He doesn't like going to England whenever we're going there; that's why I don't think he's there." 

"If he's not there, where could he possibly go?" I asked, munching my food slowly. 

It suddenly popped into my head. Where could he've been? He's so good at hiding that we don't know where he is. 

Kuya Simon stopped eating and looked at me. "Stop caring about that dumbass, Primy. Let's just focus on ourselves right now. We don't need him here," he said seriously and continued watching. 

I bit my lower lip and nodded. Yeah, right. We don't need him here, but he's still my brother. I am mad, but at the same time, I want to know where he is. I still care for him, even though he left us a huge responsibility. 

After we ate, Kuya Simon volunteered to wash the dishes, and I just agreed. He fixed everything on the table before I did. Wala akong nagawa kun'di maupo sa sofa ko at hintayin siyang matapos para ma-play ko na 'yung movie na pinapanood namin. 

He would always wait for me to go to sleep before he would go home to his condo. He would always make sure that I was safe before going back to his condo. As much as he wanted to stay, he knew that I didn't want him around because I wanted to be alone. Pinagbibigyan ko lang siya dahil nga gusto niyang bumawi kahit hindi naman na dapat. 

I was lying on my couch when I heard the doorbell ring. Hindi ko 'yon pinansin at pinagpatuloy ang pagkakahiga hanggang sa sunod-sunod na ang pagdo-doorbell. 

"Primy, open the door! My best friends came to visit!" Kuya Simon shouted from the kitchen. 

Puta, ano raw? Best friends niya... 

Hayop na 'yan! Makikita ko na naman si Conrad. Okay pa kung si Kuya Thirdy lang, pero hindi. Kasama pa si Conrad sa best friend niya. Pero sana wala siya. Ayaw ko siya makita. The last time we saw each other, he didn't apologize to me. Hindi pa rin siya nagso-sorry sa ginawa niya sa akin. 

Sunod-sunod ang pagdo-doorbell kaya nainis na ako. Padabog akong tumayo at binuksan ang pinto. I glared at Conrad, who was about to press the doorbell again. 

He didn't look shocked. He was smirking as if he were having fun playing with the doorbell. I clenched my jaw when he smiled sweetly at me, like he didn't annoy me by pressing the doorbell repeatedly. 

"Hello, Prim." Bati ni Kuya Thirdy. 

I nodded and looked at Conrad again. "No pets allowed dito, ah?" I said. 

"Then, why are you here?" he asked.

Putang ina, lumalaban. 

"Of course, this is my condo. I'm allowed here. And I don't look animal, but you do." I smiled sweetly at him. 

"Oh, sabagay you look like an alien." 

My blood boiled over what I heard. I glared at him, and he just smiled innocently at me. "Alien lang, ikaw nga mukhang unggoy." 

"Ang pogi ko naman if I look like a monkey." 

"Wala akong paki. Bawal hayop dito." 

"E 'di umalis ka." 

"Ikaw ang umalis." 

"Bakit, are you the owner of this?"

"Sabing condo ko nga 'to, e! Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi o tanga ka?!" 

Kuya Thirdy chuckled and held my arm. "Tama na, tama na. Baka magsuntukan na kayo riyan," he said and pulled me gently inside. 

Sumunod si Conrad na may dalang box ng cake at isang paper bag ng isang kilala kong clothing store. I pouted and sat down on the sofa, still glaring at Conrad, who comfortably put the box of cake on the top of my coffee table. Umupo siya sa dulong side ng sofa na kinauupuan ko at pinaggigitnaan namin si Kuya Thirdy. 

"Pinikon mo na naman," Kuya Simon said when he went out from the kitchen and saw me glaring at his best friend. 

"Nauna siya. I didn't know she's pikon," Conrad said. 

I grabbed the throw pillow near me and was ready to throw it to him when Kuya Thirdy pulled my hand down. Natatawa itong tumingin sa aking kapatid na wala lang sa kaniya ang nangyayari. Sanay na sanay na siya. Halos magkaroon nga lagi ng live brawl kapag magkasama kami. 

"You're pikon pala, Prim, e." Kuya Thirdy laughed. 

"And he looked like a monkey," I fired. 

Kuya Simon burst into laughter. Conrad glared at him, but he didn't stop laughing. He laughed until he had to wipe his eyes because of the tears. 

"Tang ina, hindi... H-hindi na ako makahinga." Kuya Simon was almost out of breath. 

"E 'di magpatugtog ka ng Air Supply," barumbadong sabi ni Conrad.

I didn't know if I'd laugh or be annoyed by what he said. Mas lalo namang natawa ang dalawa habang ako ay gusto na siyang patayin sa tingin. 

When my brother and Kuya Thirdy went to my kitchen, bringing the cake and pizza with them, I was left with Conrad, who was staring at me. I rolled my eyes at him and looked at the TV. 

"Haven," he called. 

I glanced at him, and he was just staring at me, like he was memorizing my face. I crossed my arms over my chest and didn't reply. 

Haven. 

Siya lang naman may lakas na tawagin ako sa second name ko magmula bata. Hindi na ako magtataka kung iyon pa rin ang tawag niya sa akin kahit na nagpipikunan kami. 

"What are your plans tomorrow?" he asked. 

At bakit niya tinatanong? Hindi ko naman siya kapatid, kaibigan o pinsan para malaman niya ang mga ganap sa buhay ko. 

"Bakit? Sisirain mo na naman ba ang araw ko?" I asked, annoyed. 

"No," he replied. "I'm just curious about what you are doing every six months of the year." 

Huh? 

"Magpapagupit." Irita kong sagot bago siya talikuran nang tuluyan. 

Umayos lang ako ng upo dahil bumalik na sina Kuya. May dala na silang platito, tinidor, at baso. I watched them slice the cake carefully and fair. Nilagay nila 'yon sa platito at binigay sa akin. I ate silently, not minding them. 

"Shiloh's asking me if I'm joining an illegal race," Conrad said irritatedly, making me look at him. He furrowed his brows. "Why the fuck am I going to do that? I'm contented on driving with my team." 

Tumawa si Kuya Thirdy. "Harmony said that their blockmates were asking him," then he glanced at me. "Shiloh looked offended because he's not into illegal things, yet you were accused of the thing you're not doing." 

"Si Yaji lang naman ang nagi-illegal race na kakilala natin," my brother said. 

Yaji? 'Yung Chinese na kasali sa isang team? Pogi rin 'yon, e. Pero hindi ko rin type. Ewan ko ba, hindi ko rin alam ang type ko. May natitupuhan naman ako, babae nga lang. 

Nasa architecture siya, kaklase ng pinsan ko sa father side na si Niara. Minsan ko na lang din 'yon makausap dahil busy kaming dalawa. Noong SHS naman ay madalang din kami magkita at mag-usap dahil sa dami kong responsibilidad. 

"Niara's looking for you, Prim," tumingin ako kay Kuya Thirdy nang sabihin niya 'yon. Oo nga pala, pinsan niya rin ang isang 'yon. 

"Bakit daw? Hindi na 'yon nagpaparamdam sa 'min, ah," Kuya Simon interrupted. 

"Ewan, sabi niya ay may gusto raw humingi ng number ni Prim at socials. Type raw siya ng mga babae niyang kaklase," Kuya Thirdy replied. "Hindi ka raw kasi nagrereply sa kaniya." 

"Paano ako magrereply, e hindi ko nga nabubuksan 'yung accounts ko?" Sumimangot ako.

Tumawa sila. "'Di bale, Sabado naman bukas. I'll just tell her that she'll accompany you on getting your haircut," Kuya Simon said. 

I nodded. 

I want to bond with her. I have to bond with her. Kailangan kong makakuha ng balita roon sa crush ko na blockmate niya. Best friend niya rin naman 'yon, kaya hindi ako mahihirapang makakuha ng information. 

"Bruha ka! Sabi ko ayusin mo ang account mo nang maka-communicate tayo nang maayos!" 

I have to cover my ears because of Niara's loud voice. Nakakahiya siya. Sigawan ba naman ako kahit na magkalapit lang kami. 

"You don't have to sho—"

"Primrose!" I was cut off by Alys, who's with Conrad behind her. She was waving her hand at me, so I waved back. 

When they stopped near us, Niara had to cling to my arm and look at them with a smile. I averted Conrad's deep stare because I didn't want to start bickering again. Pagod na rin ako. 

"Saan kayo?" Alys asked. 

"Sasamahan ko magpagupit 'tong si Prim, kayo ba?" Niara replied. 

"Oh, tamang-tama! Magpapa-treatment din ako, e. Puwede kami sumabay?" Alys' eyes were twinkling as she looked at Niara. 

Niara's a masc girl. She can wear girl's wear at the same time as boy's wear. Katulad ko, mas gusto niya rin sa babae dahil sa trauma niya. I never imagined that it would happen to her. It was unexpected, and it wasn't good. 

If Niara and I had similarities, I would think it's our eyes. Both are almond eyes yet different colors. Ang almond eyes namin ay nakuha namin sa mga tatay namin. My eye color is coffee brown, and hers is black, but when light strikes her eyes, they appear brown. 

"Bading," bulong ko nang maunang maglakad si Niara at iniwan ako kay Alys. 

Alys giggled and held my arms. "Ang ganda niya talaga!"

"Putang ina, baliw," I whispered again when she squealed. 

Naunang pumasok si Niara sa salon na kung saan kami nagpapagupit. Sumunod naman ako at nakita ko kaagad ang naggu-gupit sa akin palagi. She smiled at me and welcomed me with a hug. 

"Wolf cut ba?" she asked.

Tumango ako at umupo na. I relaxed my back on the chair and closed my eyes. Nagmulat ako ng mata at nakita ang tingin ni Conrad sa akin. I averted his gaze and looked at my reflection. 

"Ayaw mo magchange ng hairstyle?" Tanong ng kasama ng naggu-gupit sa akin. 

Umiling ako at ngumiti. "I don't like other hairstyles, po. I prefer wolf cut," I replied. 

Tumango sila. I smiled and closed my eyes. When she had already finished my haircut, I opened my eyes and took a mirror shot of me before standing up.

I already paid for my haircut, Niara's hair care, and Alys' treatment. Wala naman akong paggagastusan kaya nilibre ko na sila. Mamaya pa matatapos si Alys, kaya naupo muna ako sa waiting area, malapit kay Conrad. 

"Haven," mahinang tawag sa akin ni Conrad. 

I tilted my head and looked at him. "What?" 

"Your haircut suits you, even me."