Gen

My face falls as I watch Bridget quickly exit the room. I didn't come back to separate these two when they needed to be together! After all, Bridget was Lacy's sister long before I was.

I pull up a chair that's behind me and sit down next to Lacy.

My heart nearly stops beating as I catch her frightened gaze, looking at me as if I held the key to fixing everything wrong with the world. She hadn't looked this hopeless and lost since the day I first met her.

A mix between a cry and a hiccup escapes her and I squeeze her hand some more.

"I- Wasn't- Allowed- to-l-leave the- the room so- I- didn't- e- even get to- to say g- goodbye," Lacy cries, every word an agonizing truth.

I swallow the cry trying to escape me and whisper, "I know, I know, Baby. It's not fair. I-"

I take a huge gulp of air before continuing.

"I should've been here for her."

Lacy sniffs and tried to catch up to her rapid breathing.

I listen anxiously to the beeps around the room and watch the tubes in her chest, hoping the way her body is reacting to her emotions won't end up hurting her more.

She finally finds her breath and with her next sentence, makes mine catch in my throat.

"Bridgey said you were s-scared," she sniffs. "Why are you scared?"

Another tear drops out of my eye as I look at this girl, more scared and upset than she's been since her diagnosis. Yet, she wants to know what's scaring me. And... Losing her is what's scaring me.

I take my thumb and wipe away a stray tear on Lacy's pale cheek.

"Don't worry your pretty little head about me," I smile.

Her eyes flick to my hand and then start to search my eyes.

As I go to take my hand away, she stops me, grabbing on to my pointer finger.

"Can I tell you something I've never told anyone?" she whispers.

"Of course, if you want to," I say, intertwining my fingers with hers despite the lines trying to get in our way.

She grips my hand like she's holding onto life itself. Even so, her touch has a certain gentleness around it. Her head turns so that she's facing the ceiling. Her breathing seems to just be getting back to completely even when she suddenly lets out another cry.

"Genny, I- I'm afraid to die, Genny," she sobs.

This time, my heart does stop. My mouth goes dry and my eyes water all the more.

What am I supposed to tell her? What do you say to a seven year old who has to be hooked up to several machines in order to keep her breathing? How do you comfort her? When her very life is being sucked from her and our best treatment option was to dump poisons into her fragile body during her chemo?

She said she hadn't told anyone else this... Fear... She didn't want people to be afraid for her. Of course we all... Assumed she'd be scared, but she felt as if she just let a huge secret off her chest. She's been holding this fear in...

I take a shaky breath to try to begin to speak but Lacy's shaky, gentle whisper starts in again.

"I prayed a lot after the doctors left me alone, like you always said I should. I guess you weren't the only person I told. I told Jesus too, but that's different. He knows everything anyway."

She takes a deep breath.

"He gave me a hug and said I'd be going home soon..."

Her voice fades and I feel as if I'm about to explode.

"He... He did?" I choke.

She just nods solemnly. "That peace you talked about... That none of us can understand? He gave me that peace, but I was still confused. Because I don't know if He means home with you guys or... Home with Him."

A hopeless sob finally escapes me and Lacy wheels her head back my way.

"Oh no, I shouldn't have told you I was scared, Genny don't cry-"

"No," I croak. "Lacy, it's ok. You never be afraid to tell me that stuff ok? We're family and I'm gonna help you pull through, ok honey?"

I cup her little hand in both of mine and a shaky exhale rocks me.

She seems to consider what I said for a moment before nodding.

"Thank you, Genny."

For a moment I just muster up the courage to smile.

Then, in a rather forced attempt to lighten the mood I say, "Hey. Your big bro Benjamin found himself a girl."

A slight smile teases the corners of Lacy's mouth. "What?"

"Ben's getting married!" I exclaim quietly but enthusiastically.

Her smile widens and her eyes light up. "Really?" she gasps.

I nod. "Mmm hm!"

"That's amazing!"

"We were all really surprised when he announced it," I say with a teasing smile.

Lacy puts on a mock serious face and says, "Is the girl going to treat him right?"

This tricky kid got me to do the last thing I though I would today. I laughed. I laughed a genuine laugh.

As I chuckle, she smiles with doe thing like relief, as if she's glad I'm not crying about her anymore, but just laughing with her instead.

"Knock knock," I hear from behind me.

I turn my head just in time to see Bridget quickly wipe a runaway tear and give us her best smile.

"What do you think, Bridge?" I ask. "Is Ben's girl going to treat her right?"

Bridget, caught off guard furrows her eyebrows and gives a curious half smile. "Wha... What?" she laughs.

"Will Ben be happy with her?" Lacy's voice chimes in.

"I... I like her. And I guess Ben does too so..." Bridget shrugs.

I sputter a bit and teasingly roll my eyes at her.

Bridget makes her way over, stopping behind the chair.

"Ya know what he said yesterday at dinner when we were talking about wedding plans?"

Lacy giggles. "What?"

"He said he thinks you should be a flower girl."

The way Lacy's face lights up is the biggest blessing of my year.