there goes another story from my past that I'll bury deep inside,
never to be brought up, never to be remembered, 
never to be cherished, for that happiness is unparalleled.

-----------------------------

As soon as I go through the front door of our apartment, a punch lands on my abdomen knocking the air out of my lungs.

"Can you stop disappearing for fuck's sake? At least answer your phone idiot." Cheng growls at me. He had his hand raised for another punch, but Xingchen who was next to him was holding it back. "Hereafter, you're going to tell me before going out of this house."

"Okay..." I reply.

My answer stops whatever that was going to come out of his mouth.

"Where did you go?" he asks.

"The hospital," I reply dryly while removing my jacket. I could see the two of them exchanging a glance from the corner of my eye.

"How is he?" Xingchen asks after some time.

"In a coma," I answer with no emotion. It's much easier than explaining all that's in my head.

I sit on the couch, pull my phone out, start scrolling the home screen up and down.

"Let's visit him again in the evening," Cheng says. "We can come with-"

"No." my voice comes out louder than I intended to. "We're not visiting anyone."

Why can't he drop it?

"Of course we are." He says. "He's our friend too and your boyfriend."

"Not anymore. Okay? We're not going to see him again. Not as a friend, not as a boyfriend." I roar. Cheng stares at me, dumbfounded. I don't know why talking about this pisses me off this much. "Just let go, Cheng," I whisper.

"Let go? Just like that?" Cheng asks. "Just because his uncle said no. Come on Xian he must have been out of his mind to decide to go with his uncle. We all know that he will always choose you."

"Tell me this Cheng," I say, turning to look at him. "What will you do if you're told to leave the family to be with Qing? Fine, choose her. Then what? Live in the streets? Do you think she'll want you to choose her? To lose all you have right now?" I scoff.

The look on Cheng's face said that my words were sinking in.

"If he's going to choose me then that's exactly why I should let go," I say as I walk towards my room.

All I want is for them to leave me alone. Let me suffer for the pain I caused everyone.

Why can't they leave me to it?

Time passed, painfully slow.

I never saw him again.

We didn't hear about him for about two years, till he showed up in media again. Appearing and disappearing from time to time from different parts of the world, always next to his uncle, almost as if he was showing off his perfect model of a nephew. But still, he was out there ruling the world, which was exactly where he should be.

Never once did he try to contact me, which made me realize that he had forgotten about me, or moved on. 'It doesn't matter,' I always tell myself.

And me? I'm good...

I was standing in front of Shijie's door after ringing the bell, waiting for her. She invited me over for dinner, to catch up. Peacock is on a business trip according to her.

Not long after, she opens the door. She gives me a warm smile and leans in to hug me. "Aw Xian, it's so good to see you." She says.

"You too, Shijie. I missed you." I reply, returning the hug.

"I missed you too. Come in," she says.

"Almost forgot," I say and give her the package I brought. "A cake. Orange flavored as you like. Baked by me."

She caresses my cheek. "You're the sweetest Xian." She says while taking the package. "Smells great. I guess my cooking lessons worked."

"Yup. They did. You taught me well."

"Well, you're a fast learner."

"That, and the fear of eating Cheng's food," I reply, making her laugh. "I've got to learn fast to survive." That's when a savory aroma enters my nostrils. "Wait, is that Lotus root soup?"

"Mm-hmm. Lotus root soup and stake for dinner. Your favorite."

"Shijie... You don't have to do all that."

"Come on, I wanted to do it, and you know how much I like cooking." She says. "Come, let's eat before it gets cold."

We have dinner, we catch up on everything that happened. It felt good to hang around her. It's been a while since the last time I felt this way.

"When is the peacock coming back?" I ask while helping Shijie with the dishes.

"In two days." She replies.

"Could've had some fun if he was here," I say with a smirk.

"Xian." She warns and glares at me. In a few seconds, we both erupt into laughter. "He's still terrified of two of you." She says, in the middle of her laugh.

Once we were done with the dishes, we leave the kitchen to the living room and have a seat on the couch.

"Why couldn't Cheng make it today?" Shijie asks.

"Out with Qing. Anniversary."

She doesn't reply for a while, causing me to look at her. "You still think of him, don't you?" she asks, catching me off guard. I don't need to hear it twice to know that this 'him' isn't Cheng.

"No," I reply.

She smiles, but it is a sad one. "What changed you, Xian? You used to be so energetic, so bright... What happened to you?"

"I still am. I'm just having fun."

"Like this? Doing the total opposite of your plans? Drinking almost every night? Bringing random people home?" she asks, making me look at her with a jolt. "Don't give me that look, I know what you're doing."

Damn Cheng, you traitor.

"Why, Xian? It's like you've gone back to who you were, the self from whom you changed. Even worse."

I smile weakly. "Maybe the change was the issue Shijie. Maybe this is what's best for me."

"How can you say that? You used to hate it."

"I hate loss more than that. This costs me nothing and I earn nothing. No commitments, no one gets hurt. I prefer to keep it this way."

She will never understand. No one will. So what's the point of explaining, what's the point of changing when I can't find any purpose in my life?

I'll go high till I can no more. Till I'm overwhelmed. Till it makes me numb. No one has to know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

You made me, and you destroyed me.

Why shouldn't I live with this rubble of your love you left?