I'm the stone that's tied to your ankle, so I'll have to leave.
I'm the disaster who looked like happiness, so I'll have to leave.

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Everything that happened earlier felt like looking at an old photo-real. The arrival of the ambulance, Lan Zhan being laid on a stretcher, watching them drive away to the hospital, my friends' pitiful gazes on me, turning my back towards them and walking away... As if my body was doing it, and I was trapped somewhere inside, watching it happen.

I don't know how long I've been walking. I only know that it's been hours since it got dark, and my bottle of Vodka was empty. I guess I walked halfway through the town, turning to directions that I felt like turning, avoiding crowds, till there wasn't anyone to avoid.

I heard my phone blowing off from time to time. But I didn't bother to pick it up. Maybe it was because I didn't want to face anyone right now, or maybe because I knew that it's not his call, and it never will be. The thought makes me bring the bottle to my lips and realize, again, that it's empty.

For some reason, I walk home. I clumsily enter the passcode and open the door. Cheng comes rushing to the hallway. I didn't expect him to be here, I don't know if I was thinking straight enough to expect anything.

"Where the fuck were you?" he asks. He goes on about being worried and looking for me and I pick up a sentence or two about Sang telling him about Lan Zhan's uncle.

Finally, he stops. Maybe he realized that his words just flew past me.

"Forget it. Are you okay?" he asks. I stay silent, unable to find words to answer him. "Are you drunk?"

"Maybe," I mumble and walk past him to go to my room.

"Xian, talk to me." He yells.

I know he wants to help me. But I just can't. Not right now.

"Xian-"

I slam the door shut and lean on it. Tears were already blurring my vision. My legs felt week, I didn't have any energy left in me. I just slide down it to sit on the ground. Either because of the alcohol in my system or because I felt safe to be whatever I want within these four walls, ugly sobs came out of my mouth.

I could hear Cheng sitting down on the other side of the door. I quickly pull my phone out and play the first song I could get my hands into with maximum volume, hoping it will drown my sounds. He deserves better than witnessing my misery.

I hug my knees because that's the only thing I could hold onto right now, and I break down into them. Now I understand why it's called breaking down. Because that's how it felt. Like there are cracks forming in my gut and my insides are crumbling down. Piece by piece, slowly, painfully.

Words will never explain the guilt I felt deep within me.

Even though something told me that Lan Zhan is alive, knowing the damaged I caused his life, another life... it burned me alive.

If I hadn't called his name on that road, if I wasn't selfish for his love, for what we shared, he would have been fine, climbing to heights he never would with my weight dragging him down.

Why is it he who's paying the price? Why can't it be me? I would've happily exchanged out places.

For some reason, an image of what it would have been like if he was here comes into my mind. How he would have held me close to him, whispering comforting words in my ear. How he would have told me that he loves me, carried me to bed, and stroke my back till I fall asleep. His warmth, his comfort...

How can you still wish for it Xian? Even after all you've done?

Right... When have I ever been sensible?

All I know is to hurt others...

With the sharp pain that shoots through my hand, I realize that I have punched on the ground. I curse at nothing as I stand up. I don't know if Cheng was still there. I wish he didn't. I didn't want him to waste his time on me.

I climb on the bed. Curl into a ball. Pull the blanket over my head. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep sometime later.

Maybe I'll wake up next to him and realize this was all a nightmare.

Or maybe it's better if I don't wake up at all.

The next morning, I wake up, all alone to learn that none of my wishes had become true.

After giving it a lot of thought, I dress up and head to the hospital.

After last night's crying, I thought I'd be ready to see this. But the tears that I'm blinking away proved me wrong.

Seeing Lan Zhan so solemnly laying on the hospital bed, the pipes he was connected to, the mechanical sound of the machine which was on the side of the bed... It all brought horrors I thought I'd never feel.

All my fault...

I was staring at him near the door, too scared to move an inch forward, as if it could harm him more. It seemed like a déjà vu, I couldn't help but recall the last time...

I felt hollow when I stared at her body covered in a white cloth on the hospital bed. I didn't even know how I was responsible, but the guilt I felt needed no explanations to build.

There was a woman next to her, crying as if a piece of her was missing. By her looks, I figured that it is her mother. Suddenly I remembered how I felt when I got to know that I wouldn't see my parents again and realized, that she felt just the same.

She heard my footsteps and turned around. She recognized my face. She lets out a broken sob and slaps me.

I know I deserved it.

"This is all because of you..." she said.

Yes, she was right. It is all because of me.

With my hand over my mouth, I walk over to him. I slowly take his hand which wasn't connected to the IV and run my thumb over his knuckles.

For the first time ever, he didn't respond to my touch.

Is this how you show me that you can't live without me, Lan Zhan?

At once the door opens and Xichen comes in with another person, whom I recognized to be a doctor. Noticing my presence, the doctor looks at Xichen and he nods.

"His reports came this morning." He continues whatever he was saying. "His surgery last night was successful. He has a few broken bones, mendable, but he lost a lot of blood. Also, there's a swelling in his brain. He's in an induced coma right now. It'll take some time for him to regain consciousness."

I could only keep staring at Lan Zhan's pale face. I didn't know what I felt, I didn't know what I should have felt... nothing seemed right anymore.

I could see Xichen's usually calm demeanor completely taken over by a worried brother. "Is there anything more you could do?" he asks, trying to hide his desperation.

The doctor sighs. "We are doing our best Mr. Lan. He's a lucky one for making it to the hospital."

Xichen nods.

The doctor looks at me and then at Xichen, "I'll leave now." He says. "Don't lose hope."

"Thank you," Xichen mumbles, when the doctor disappears through the door.

An awkward silence spreads between us, emphasizing the beeping noise of the cardiac monitor.

"I thought you would be here last night." He finally says.

I smile weakly. "Both of us know that I shouldn't," I reply. "How is Mr. Lan?"

"Broken arm and a fractured knee. Wangji saved him." He says, with what emotion, I didn't know. I guess even he's confused between the right thing to feel and true emotions.

"He always does," I reply.

Xichen sighs. "Xian..." he starts, and I've already guessed where the conversation is going.

"I won't come again." I cut him off. "The two of you are all he has known for his entire life. I won't ruin it, Xichen. You don't have to worry."

"You're leaving him?" he asks.

What does he mean? That's what all of them want.

"It's the best thing to do, isn't it?" I question in reply. "If I stay it will only complicate things more, you know that. I don't want to hurt him more." I say, looking directly into his eyes.

He doesn't reply and I know that I just spoke his mind.

I sigh. "Maybe I am that one mistake he made."

Both of us stay silent for a while, reflecting on the mess we can't fix.

"Isn't this the time he needs you the most?" he finally asks, sending my heart to a pit of darkness. "Shouldn't you be with him to help him recover?"

"Maybe" I reply. "Maybe knowing that I was not here for him will help him move on."

Hatred is the easy way out...

After some time of frail hoping for some reaction from his fingers which I laced against mine, I decide to take my leave, knowing that staying too long will only make the letting go harder.

For one last time I look at his face, he had his own beauty even in this state.

Thank you for coming into my life Lan Zhan... Thank you for teaching me what love is. Nothing will ever be compared to what we shared.

I let the tears flow, having no energy to hold them in. I kiss his forehead and whisper next to his ear. "Fight for me, Lan Zhan. Don't die."

I leave the room, the hospital, I leave half of me in there in a coma.

It almost felt like I had to fight a physical barrier with each step I take because my whole being was screaming to stay with him.

I might be broken, but at least he will have the best...