Hold me close, in your warmth and affection,
Oh, my love, your name is redemption.

--------------------------------------

Warning: Mentions of suicide

About twenty songs pass. I don't remember what they were. I just skipped the ones that felt annoying to listen to without really considering what they were. I was picturing alternate endings for tonight

Do I have the energy to plan something again? Honestly, I don't know. It was hard enough to make up my mind to take up this one step. And I'm convinced that Lan Zhan wouldn't like me back.

I picture him with a pretty woman, holding hands. Oh, I hate that image. As much as I hate it, I guess it suits him.

Hell... I should stop thinking about these things. I try to focus on the lyrics, it works.

At once I'm taken back to reality by the doorbell. I turn on my phone to check the time. 1.15AM. Did Cheng drag himself home? Oh god!

I get down from the bed and go out of my room. I walk over to the door. What if it's a robber?

Why would a robber ring the doorbell? Stupid.

With a little flattered heartbeat, I open the door. I almost do a double-take.

"Lan Zhan?"

"Wei Ying."

"What are you-"

He hugs me, cutting me off. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me with his head on my shoulder. He was too close. The never leaving sandalwood smell coming from his clothes, his warmth, his breath, all too close.

"Lan Zhan?" I mumble unable to process what's happening.

"I missed you, Wei Ying." He says and I freeze.

He said it. With no alcohol.

My hands work on their own to wrap around him.

"I missed you too," I reply as I hold him there, his warmth giving me all the consolation and assurance I need. This simple contact soothed something inside in a way that I couldn't explain.

I don't know how long we stayed there because we enjoyed the moment too much to let go.

When he pulls away we hold our gazes for a moment, there's a nervous silence between us. I notice that his ears are blushed again. "Come in." I simply say bottling up the urge to scream out my euphoria.

I offer him to sit and go into the kitchen without a word, to get something for us to drink. I fill some water into a glass and take it over to the living room.

"How was the meeting?" I ask trying to break the nervousness between us.

"As usual." He says monotonously.

It has been like this from the day he came to our college. He was dragged again and again for the company's work by his uncle, regardless of his young age. I guess it's a weight he must take given his brother's position and the name the family carries. But never even once did he complain.

"Is this what you really want?" I ask. "Do you like to live this way?"

"It doesn't matter if I like it or not. Uncle raised us. We should be grateful."

I look at him tenderly. "Optimistic, aren't you?"

He is silent for a while. "I don't have a choice," he says, and I'd be lying if I say that there wasn't a hint of longing in his voice.

I look at him with a smile. "I admire you, Lan Zhan, for the way you keep going with your life. I really do"

He nods, a few times I'm sure he's flattered.

Some time pass by and then I realize how tired he looks. Of course, it was almost two in the morning. College, going out, then a meeting, then staying up late, any person will doze off on the spot. Given he's an early sleeper, I have no idea how he kept at it for this long.

"Come, you need to sleep. It's late."

I take him to my room and give him a towel to freshen up and keep a couple of sets of clothes of the kind Lan Zhan would wear to sleep. I leave the room for him to finish up.

I sit on the couch and lean back on the comfortable surface. Today was such a rollercoaster. It has taken up most of my energy. Again that extra-comfortable-after-an-exhausting-day magic happens. The couch was soft, and my eyes were heavy.

I was panting. I was climbing staircase after staircase, desperate to reach the top. My legs were almost giving out, but I couldn't stop myself. I needed to catch my breath so badly, but my body wouldn't listen. It kept climbing as if I'm a puppet tied to strings.

I lost the count of steps midway. I climb for what feels like an eternity, and then I see a door. I open it.

At once cold wind envelops me making me shiver. I was on a rooftop. I try to take a breath, but it felt as if I'm breathing ice.

I look ahead and see her at the edge, looking down.

"Quinyang?" I don't dare to walk over to her.

She turns around. Her eyes were puffed after long nights of crying, there were fresh tears which made her cheeks glimmer.

"I'm sorry, Xian." She says.

"What are you trying to do?"

"I have to leave."

"What do you mean?"

"I will be gone. You will be free." She says and takes a step behind. She falls. I run to the edge but I'm too late. I stare at the darkness below.

"I'm gone." The same voice says behind me.

I turn around to see a disoriented figure of her. Her skull was cracked and the insides were visible, making me feel sick. Her limbs were twisted. There was blood everywhere. Her face was beyond recognizing.

I try to scream but no words come out of my mouth. She holds my shoulder and shakes me repeating "I'm gone" over and over again.

The scene changes. I was staring at a ceiling instead. Suddenly I'm pulled up and wrapped by a comforting warmth and I could hear soothing words in my ear. I clutch a fabric that I can get ahold of.

I was awake. I register that. I desperately hold on to the warmth around me trying to calm my breath and make sense of what was happening.

"I'm here. It's okay." I hear a voice, his voice.

"Lan Zhan?" My voice comes out coarsely.

"I'm here, Wei Ying." He says.

For the second time that night, he holds me close to him, softly stroking my hair, calming me down wrapped in his warmth.

 I pull away when I'm confident that this, not my dream is real. He keeps looking at me with concern but  doesn't ask any questions, and I'm thankful for it.

I was in my room. But the last thing I remember is lying on the couch.

"How did I end up here?" I ask.

"You fell asleep on the couch. I brought you here." He says. "Sleep now."

He stands up, but I grab his wrist. He turns to look at me. "Can you... can you stay? Here?"

It takes him a moment to realize what I asked for. He nods and lifts the comforter to get in. He lies down next to me and puts his arm around me. To my surprise, places a gentle kiss on my temple.

"Good night," he says in his deep voice.

"Good night, Lan Zhan."

Extra:

We all know, Lan Wangji can't say no to Wei Wuxian...

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