"There's so much more that you can live for
So much life to explore, just don't give up"

Chapter 2:
The Cost of Fame

Molly's P.O.V.

BEING accused of a crime you didn't commit; how does that feel?

Being rejected and suddenly excluded from a community that took sweat and tears to build a name; how does that feel?

What does it feel like to be abandoned, to be publicly ridiculed, to be called shameful despite trying to conform with harmless intentions?

Those are some of the questions I had to enduringly answer when I decided to get therapy. At first, I felt intimidated by the presence of a professional, but eventually, I got to speak with unavoidable tears in my eyes.

To sum it all up, it felt shitty.

They said you need to be honest when talking to get the best help, so I said how I really feel during those times.

"Molly," my therapist, Doctor Czarina, called me and I caught myself staring blankly. Parehas kaming nakaupo sa malambot na sofa ng clinic niya, magkaharapan. Hindi ko pa rin ginagalaw 'yung tsaa na hinanda niya.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

She sighed and leaned back. "I just wondered why you're not angry."

"Angry?" Bigla akong napaisip. Hindi ba ako galit? Bakit ako magagalit?

"You've been accused of a crime you didn't commit; you knew that you never plagiarized someone's work, isn't that upsetting?"

"Well... I'm upset."

"You're more hurt than angry, Molly."

Kinuha ko 'yung tasa sa lamesita at humigop muna. Chamomile is a stress-soothing tea for a patient like me.

"Isn't that the same?"

"Those are response feelings. Hindi ka galit sa accusation sa'yo dahil deep inside alam mo ang totoo na wala kang ginawang mali. You are guiltless but your hurt cripples your whole being because you felt betrayed."

I heaved a sign and leaned back. Tumingala ako sa kisame para pigilan ang mga nagbabadyang luha.

"Alam n'yo po ba 'yung pakiramdam na parang naghihintay lang silang lahat na magkamali ka? All this time I felt like those people I thought my friends are just waiting for that exact moment, waiting for the time I fall down and grabbed that chance to destroy me."

Doctora Czarina's composure remained stoic but I can see the expression of pity in her eyes.

"Bakit mo naman naisip 'yan?"

"I thought... I thought I had friends there, it turns out to be none."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Competition, I guess? Discrimination of beliefs? Because I don't belong to their herd?" She noted the uncertainty in my words. "Well, I guess this is the cost of fame. When you're in the spotlight, everybody claps and adores you, maraming gustong dumikit sa'yo. Pero 'yung oras na nasa baba ka na, wala na."

"Those are the people in the community that you're talking about, right?" tumango ako. "You're hurt because you built your world in that for long, right?"

Masakit man pero totoo. Five years ago, I gave up the engineering job and pursued my writing dream once again. And I did it. I succeeded and achieved what I always wanted to achieve. During those moments in the spotlight, totoo na maraming pumalakpak para sa'kin. From that moment, doon na umikot ang mundo ko—sa kanila—sa estado na narating ko.

Until one time, out of the blue na parang isang malaking plot twist sa kwento, somebody accuses me of plagiarism. As if somebody planned a demolition job to destroy me, weaving a narrative that suits their agenda. They even grabbed almost a decade of posts just to discredit everything I achieved which has no sense.

But people... People love to react, aren't they? Especially those who claimed to be the victims. They called me this and that. And told the worst, as if I murdered someone. It's devastating because I didn't even get the chance to fight back.

How could I fight back when the people I used to admire and called colleagues already gave a sentence?

Power, they had it. I gave it away because it's not my nature to confront people.

I just chose... to fall away and hide.

"How about your home friends?"

Home friends...

"They're... They're all busy." Bigla ko tuloy silang naalala. Kailan ko nga ba sila huling nakita? Kailan nga ulit kami nagsama-sama ng kumpleto? Was it two years ago? Nang kumpleto kaming dumalaw sa puntod ni Cole at noong magkakasama kaming nag-celebrate ng birthday ko?

Namalayan ko na lang na isa-isa nang nagkaroon ng kanya-kanyang direksyon ang mga buhay namin. Jasper went abroad, Alexa married and now had children, and Garnet was already dedicated in his life-calling and moving place to place to reach the lost youth.

Bigla akong napatingin kay Doktora Czarina nang mapansin kong nakatitig na lang siya sa'kin, hinihintay akong magsalita pa.

"If you're going to ask if I told them about what happened..." Umiling ako. "This is my personal problem and not a big deal on a grand scale of things." Bahagya akong napangiti. "I believe that it will be okay eventually."

"Why do you think so?" I really don't like that follow-up question. Para kasing may gusto pa siyang hukayin sa pinakaloob ko.

"I learned to believe in myself, that I can surpass any obstacles on my own—for my dreams."

The doctor paused for a second before glancing at the wall clock. "It's almost time, Molly. Before we end this, I'd like to give a simple assignment."

"Ano po 'yon?"

"Please think about this, how do you become your own friend?" Napakunot ako dahil medyo hindi ko maintindihan 'yung sinabi niya.

"Paano ko magiging kaibigan ang sarili ko?" That's weird. Parang alam ko 'yun sagot pero parang nasa dulo ng dila ko.

"Yes. I'll hear your answer on our next meeting," sabi niya saka sabay kaming tumayo.

"Thank you, doktora."

"Anytime."

Paglabas ko ng silid ay napaisip ako kung babalik pa ba ako sa susunod. Naglakad ako sa parking lot at hindi ko napansin 'yung nakasunod sa'king lalaki. Kinukuha ko 'yung susi ng kotse sa bag ko nang mahulog 'yung panyo ko.

"Your handkerchief, Miss."

"Thanks." Tatalikod na sana 'ko nang bigla siyang nagsalita.

"You know what, you can't always believe on yourself. It's absurd to do things on your own." Napakunot ako at tiningnan siya nang may pagdududa. Is he a stalker or what? "Aksidente kong napakinggan 'yung pinag-uusapan n'yo kanina."

Halos malaglag 'yung panga ko sa sahig. "T-that's—"

"Unethical, I know, I'm sorry. Hindi alam ng tita ko na natutulog ako sa kabilang cubicle ng office niya, she didn't know I was there. Nagising ako nang patapos na 'yung session n'yo."

Ayokong dumagdag pa 'to sa stress ko kaya tinalikuran ko na lang siya at dali-daling nagpunta sa sasakyan ko. Kaso napansin kong nakabuntot pa rin siya sa'kin kaya galit ko siyang hinarap.

"Will you stop following me?"

"Chill, Miss." Tinaas pa niya ang dalawang kamay. Napansin ko 'yung kumikinang na kwintas niyang krus. "Nakaparada rin dito 'yung sasakyan ko." Tinuro niya 'yung kotse sa tabi namin.

Inirapan ko siya bago ako pumasok sa sasakyan ko. Pagkasuot ko ng seatbelt ay hinayaan ko siyang maunang umalis.

Bakit ako naiinis?

"It's absurd?" bulong ko sa sarili ko. "What's wrong with believing myself?" Then I finally drove away.

*****

GOOD news came the next day.

Katulad nang napag-usapan ay nagpunta ako sa meeting namin ng editor ko. Talagang hindi niya sinabi kung tungkol saan ang pag-uusapan namin. It was dreadful while waiting, I thought they're going to drop and kiss me goodbye.

Lahat ng worst ay na-imagine ko na hanggang sa sinabi ni Miss Zoe sa'kin ang isang balita.

"I want you to write a new book, Molly."

"A-a new book?"

"Yes."

Napakunot ako at nag-alangan. "B-but... you know what happened." Tumango-tango si Miss Zoe.

"Yes, I know. And this is the perfect chance to prove them wrong."

"Then, you... you believe that I—"

"I investigated it on my own, you're innocent. I also persuaded my bosses. Kaya wala kang dapat ikabahala." Parang may isang tinik na natanggal sa dibdib ko nang marinig 'yon. Though the way she said it could had been more... emphatic.

I believe you. Ako lang sa sarili ko yata ang kayang magsabi niyan.

"Why a new book?" tanong ko.

Miss Zoe remained expressionless. She's probably one of the most rational people I met, wala man sa itsura niya pero she appreciates the stories I write that are mostly about life and drama.

"Strike the iron while it's hot they say. Negative publicity is still publicity, your books' sales increased despite the accusations, probably they wanted to scrutinize your works, pero paniguradong wala silang makikitang butas. That's why I'm proposing this, write a book that would prove them wrong." There's a determination in her voice, kulang na lang ay mag-apoy 'yung mga mata niya.

Hindi ko pa matukoy kung magandang senyales ba 'yon o ano but somehow it gave me something to hope for.

Ever since that happened, nawalan ako ng interes na gawin 'yung bagay na dating mahal na mahal ko. I couldn't write a single word because of it. At dumating pa nga sa punto na naisip kong bitawan na lang lahat. Naisip kong iwanan ang pagsusulat, that maybe I'll just pursue my engineering career again.

Thinking that I'll write again... I can revive the fire that has been lost inside me.

"W-what kind of book?"

Napakibit-balikat si Miss Zoe. "Something emotional, something raw, something... personal." She stared at me, para bang may gustong ipahiwatig. "Remember the debut novel you published?"

"Wake Up, Dreamers?"

"Naalala ko sa isang interview sa'yo noon, you mentioned that someone special inspired that book, right?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango.

"What if you write about him?"

I was taken aback. Write... About Cole?

"Not exactly about him, but... you know... Something inspired by him again. And we can use it as a narrative to promote your book."

Okay na sana 'yung naisip niya, hindi ko lang gaano gusto 'yung nabanggit niya sa huli.

"I'm sorry, I know it's too personal." Napansin niya ata 'yung ekspresyon ng mukha ko. "But think about it, Molly." Biglang lumambot ang boses niya. "I want you to write again."

Matipid akong ngumiti at saglit na yumuko. "Thanks, Miss Zoe. I really appreciate it. Let me just... have some time to think."

"No problem. Just call me as soon as possible. Kaya kaya tomorrow?" hindi ko napigilang matawa dahil talagang consistent ang character niya pagdating sa deadlines at trabaho. This woman has no time for any emotional dramas I guess.

"Excuse me." Biglang dumating ang isang babae at naglapag ng dalawang coffee sa table. "Sorry, Miss Zoe, kung late dumating 'yung coffee."

"Ah, oo nga pala, Molly, this is my new assistant editor, Luvina."

"Hi, Luvina." Inabot ko 'yung kamay ko sa kanya.

"You can call me Lulu." Ngumiti siya pabalik nang tanggapin ang kamay.

"Luvina's better," parang nang-aasar na sabi ni Miss Zoe.

Nang matapos ang meeting namin ay nagprisinta si Lulu na ihatid ako sa parking lot. She insisted to carry the paper bag containing the complimentary books that Miss Zoe gave me.

"Kamusta naman dito?" I started a small talk, ang awkward kasi na tahimik lang kaming naglalakad sa hallway. "I mean dito sa new work."

Lulu smiled. "Oh, it's better than my previous job."

"How's Miss Zoe as the boss?"

She smirked. "She's not really a boss, her words. She just looked strict pero she's caring in her own way." Tinaas niya 'yung hawak niya at tumango naman ako. "I was there in the meeting when she defended you."

Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot do'n kaya ngumiti lang ako.

"I'm sorry for what happened, it must be hard." Bigla akong tumigil sa paglalakad kaya tumigil din siya.

No, Molly, don't freaking cry in front of her.

Tinapik ako ni Lulu sa balikat. Sabay kaming naglakad ulit.

"I'm rooting for your new book, Molly," sabi niya nang makarating kami sa parking lot at inabot sa'kin ang paper back.

"Thank you." Bago siya umalis ay bigla kong naisipang itanong sa kanya. "Kung ikaw... Kung ikaw 'yung nasa kalagayan ko, anong isusulat mo? I mean... Can you write like what Miss Zoe wants? 'Yung something personal and emotional?"

Nag-isip siya saglit, ngumiti siya sa kawalan at parang may naalalang magandang maalala.

"If I were you, I'll write about our Ikigai."

"Ikigai?" parang narinig ko na 'yung salitang 'yon somewhere.

"It's a Japanese word, that simply means the reason to wake up and live." Lulu's eyes stared far. "A woman named Golda helped me to figure it out. So, if I were you, I'll certainly write about that." 

-xxx-

Thanks for reading! Soli Deo Gloria <3

Molly meets Lulu uwu