"Thankfully, joy is an all-season response to life. Even in the dark times, sorrow enlarges the capacity of the heart for joy. Like a diamond against black velvet, true spiritual joy shines brightest against the darkness of trials, tragedies and testing."
-Richard Mayhue

Chapter 18: Fall Back to Move Forward

[Molly's POV]

IT felt the same. . .

I know how it feels. . .

to be publicly humiliated, shamed, and accused. . .

"Molly?"

I know how it feels . . .

"Molly!"

Namalayan ko na lang na niyuyugyog na pala ni Blake ang magkabilang balikat ko.

"H-huh?"

"Are you okay? You're spacing out. We're here."

"S-sorry." Inalalayan niya akong makababa ng motor niya. Saka tumambad sa paningin ko ang isang two-storey cabin house. "N-nasaan tayo?"

"My retreat house," kaswal niyang sagot.

"I-it's yours?" Hindi na siya kumibo pa at iginiya ako sa bahay.

Pagpasok namin sa loob ay tumambad sa'min ang malinis na all-wooden designed na bahay. It's nice and comforting. Hindi pa rin nawala ang pangamba sa dibdib ko.

"Golda," I heard Blake called that name. Sa dining area ay naroon siya, nakaupo, bagsak ang balikat. Nang makita niya kami'y tumayo siya.

I don't know what got me but I just ran towards her and hugged her tight. Dama ko ang bahagyang ilang at gulat ni Golda sa ginawa ko.

"A-are you okay?" pabulong kong tanong. Nang bitawan ko siya'y mas nakita ko nang malapitan ang mukha niya. She looked pale because she's not wearing any make up. Her face remained composed but I can still sense the dread in her being.

Sunod-sunod siyang tumango at hinawakan ako sa braso. "Salamat sa pag-aalala mo, Molly."

"S-si Sir Theo?" tanong ko kay Blake.

"He's resting upstairs, he's covered in injuries pero may natawag naman na kaming doktor kanina kaya nagamot naman na ang mga sugat niya," he answered and he turned to Golda. "You should rest as well. Kami na muna ni Molly ang bahalang magprepare ng dinner, we'll call you later."

Isang matipid na tango lang ang sinagot niya at pinanood namin siyang umakyat sa itaas.

Nang maglaho si Golda sa paningin namin ay nagtungo kami ni Blake sa living room area at umupo muna. He looked tired as well.

"T-thank you pala kanina," basag ko sa katahimikan. Pakiramdam ko kasi'y hinintay talaga niya akong dumating kanina para sunduin. Blake just nodded. Bahagya akong napayuko. "G-gano'n na ba kalala ang nangyari sa kanila?"

Tumango ulit si Blake. "The news spread like a wildfire. Hindi lang sila sa lugar na 'to pinag-uusapan pati na rin sa national news ay trending ang nangyari."

"W-why?"

"Pastor Theo's known for his firm stance against the death penalty, he's widely known for it. This scandal was intended to destroy not only his belief but his whole life."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit para akong binuhusan nang malamig na tubig sa narinig ko. T-that's terrible.

"A-at si Golda?"

"Obviously, Golda has a lot of political enemies here because of her popularity. They intended to destroy her chance to run for a higher position in the future."

It all makes sense because of what Blake said.

"Kung gano'n ka-obvious, maybe they can have a chance to defend themselves," sabi ko.

Blake sighed. "Not now, Molly. Any actions they make will just cause more damage." My jaw almost dropped when he said that. Bigla akong hindi mapakali. "We may be the only people who know that Golda and Pastor Theo are innocent."

"W-what should we do?"

Tinitigan lang ako ni Blake at pagkaraan ay tumayo siya.

"We should prepare for dinner first." Nauna na siyang pumunta sa kitchen area.

Nagpaiwan ako saglit at hindi ko napigilang kunin ang phone ko para sumilip sa social media . . .

Tama nga si Blake dahil sa posisyon nina Sir Theo at Golda ay kumalat hanggang sa mainstream media ang balita. At hindi na nga nakakagulat ang mga reaksyon ng mga tao, they're all angry and throwing a lot of harsh words kahit na wala silang kamalay-malay na hindi naman totoo na may relasyon ang dalawa.

Apparently, noon pa may kumakalat na balita na hiwalay na sa asawa si Golda at may kinikita raw itong lalaki. The story was all made up dahil pinarating nila na nagpunta ng Damgo Island si Sir Theo dahil kay Golda.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita kong may larawan din silang dalawa na stolen noong gabing nagtalo sila sa labas ng Ikigai's. Kagaya nga nang sinabi ni Blake . . . it was all set up to destroy them because of hidden agendas.

It's too good to be true para sa mga hindi nag-iisip ay madaling paniwalaan ang lahat nang nakikita nilang binabalita. Some news outlet and pages don't really care if the story's true or not, ang mahalaga lang sa kanila ay makisabay sa trending na balita para umani nang maraming likes para sa sarili nilang interes.

Sumulpot din ang kung sino-sinong mga tao, sikat man o nagpipilit na sikat, para magbigay ng mga opinion nila na akala mo'y sila na ang pinaka-expert kung paano mabuhay ng tama. People like them will do anything to ride the clout just to stay relevant, lahat sila may say sa mga trending na bagay.

This is not fair. This is not fair for Sir Theo and Golda.

I turned off my phone after being overwhelmed by a lot of negativities I consumed in social media. People . . . why are they so cruel? Why are they so stupid for easily believing lies? Bakit napakadali lang sa kanila na magbitiw ng mga salita na maaaring ikasira ng buhay ng iba?

Mabilis kong pinahid ang luhang tumulo sa pisngi ko. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago sumunod kay Blake sa kusina.

Be strong, Molly.

*****

SUMAPIT ang hapunan at tanging tunog lang ng mga kubyertos at plato ang maririnig.

Kanina ko pa palihim na pinagmamasdan sina Golda at Sir Theo, hindi ko maiwasang magtaka at mamangha dahil kalmado lang sila at hindi nababakas sa mukha ang anumang pangamba. As if they already embraced their fate, I couldn't help it but to wonder kung saan sila nakakahugot ng lakas.

"Umm..." Napatingin sila sa'kin. Napapikit ako saglit. Bakit ba hindi ka mapakali, Molly. "I'm sorry . . . but . . . I—"

"Don't worry too much about us, Molly," putol sa'kin ni Sir Theo, he even warmly smiled at me. It's like he's telling me that I shouldn't burden myself about their problems. Dahil kung tutuusin, wala naman akong kinalaman sa nangyari sa kanila.

But something's urging inside me that I couldn't explain.

"I-I just wanted to ask both of you . . . what will you do?"

The three of them just stared at me while silence permeated the room.

Tumikhim bigla si Golda at kaswal na pinagpatuloy ang pagkain. "Papasok ako sa trabaho bukas."

"W-what?" maang ko.

Napakibit-balikat siya at muling tumingin sa'kin ng direkta. "Kailangan kong harapin ang mga tao, kung magtatago ako ay para ko na ring pinatunayan na totoo ang alegasyon nila," Golda said in a firm voice.

"But what if hindi sila maniwala sa'yo?" parang bata kong tanong.

"Hindi ko na kontrolado ang pag-iisip ng ibang tao, Molly," sabi niya saka napahinga nang malalim. "Ang mahalaga sinubukan kong lumaban."

Ang mahalaga sinubukan kong lumaban. Tila umalingawngaw sa isip ko ang mga salitang binitawan ni Golda.

Ang mahalaga sinubukan kong lumaban.

. . . sinubukan kong lumaban.

. . . lumaban.

. . . laban.

"I'll do the same," Sir Theo said. "I'll go back to Manila tomorrow to face the people, my church, and my family. I'll face the consequences."

"A-aren't you afraid, Sir?"

Sir Theo paused briefly, then he smiled at me. "I am not afraid, because I know that my God is with me."

For him, it's a no-brainer answer to my question. Pero para sa'kin . . . iba ang dating nang sinabi niya. I don't understand kung bakit ganoon siya ka-confident sa sagot na 'yon. How can be he so confident that God is with him?

"I know you're confused," at parang nabasa niya ang nasa isip ko, "dahil kung kasama ko ang Diyos, bakit nangyari sa'kin 'to? Bakit nangyari sa'min 'to ni Golda? If God loves us, why would he allow such bad things to happen."

Golda stared at him. Si Blake naman ay bahagyang napayuko.

Sir Theo continued. "Remember the story I told you when we were on the beach?" I nodded. "The story of Joseph the Dreamer who was sold to slavery because of his jealous brothers and who was thrown into prison because he was wrongly accused." I nodded again. "Katulad nga nang sinabi ni Golda, hindi natin kontrolado ang pag-iisip ng ibang tao, hindi rin natin kontrolado ang mga pagkikilos nila. At dahil sa sinful nature ng mga tao, nagkakasakitan ang bawat isa. People often ask why bad things happen to good people. But . . . Ano ba ang tunay na kahulugan ng 'good'? We believed we were good, but the truth is we're all sinners who desperately needed a savior. People do evil with each other because they put the law in their hands, and we suffer of the consequences na kung minsan ay unfair talaga. But like what Joseph the Dreamer said, 'You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good'.

Even if what happened to us seemed so unfair and unjust, I believe . . . All things will work together for good in the end. I believe in my faithful God, that He's with me, and He'll do the battle on behalf of us."

Sir Theo's now tearfully smiling at us. Bigla siyang tumayo at mabilis ding bumalik. He's now holding his Bible.

"Still, naapektuhan pa rin ako sa nangyari. I'll be a hypocrite kung hindi ko aaminin sa inyo na hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon. It hurts. Truly. I talked to my wife earlier and she's crying so much. It hurts because this issue affected the ones, I loved the most. But you know what I told them? I told them that we should rejoice and be glad."

"R-really?" hindi ko mapigilang magreact. "W-why would you say that?"

Sir Theo looked at me, and his face could not deny the joy radiating in his face. It's weird because I can also see the pain in his eyes, but there's this undeniable aura of peace that I cannot understand.

"Because I serve the Lord, the Most High God. I preach the good news of Jesus Christ," he said those words with no shame at all. "We're already told by Jesus Himself that the world will hate us because of Him. But He also promised, 'Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.'" Tumayo si Sir Theo at hawak pa rin ang libro. "The suffering and persecution I'm experiencing right now is just proof that the Word is alive. And I knew the Author of this book, that's why I already knew the ending."

"Ending?" ulit ko.

"That everything's going to be alright in the end, Molly."

Matapos 'yong sabihin ni Sir Theo ay biglang humagulgol si Golda sa kaliwa ko. Pero kaagad din niyang inayos 'yung sarili niya. Nakatingin kaming lahat sa kanya, naghihintay sa sasabihin niya.

"Sorry, Theo, kung sinira ko ang moment mo," aniya saka suminghot. "'Di ko lang mapigilan, kanina ko pa gustong ilabas 'tong pesteng luha na 'to."

Umupo si Sir Theo na kaharap ni Golda. "It's alright, go on," he even encouraged her.

Golda took a deep sigh before looking at us. "Ang nasa isip ko simula pa kanina, pinarurusahan ako ng Diyos dahil sa mga sinabi ko sa kanya—dahil tama si Theo na nagalit at iniwan ko Siya matapos Niya akong bigyan ng panibagong buhay. Pero matapos kong marinig 'yung mga sinabi ni Theo n-narealize ko bigla . . . kung gaano ako kamali—hindi ko dapat sinisi ang Diyos sa pagkamatay ng anak namin."

Hinawakan ko 'yung kamay niya na tinanggap naman niya.

"Kaya naman, patawarin mo ako, Theo, sa mga sinabi ko." Sir Theo shook his head. "Mapapatawad ba ako ng Diyos? Pwede pa ba ulit ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya na maayos 'tong problema na 'to?"

"You already knew the answer to your questions, Golda," Sir Theo said. "His love is unfailing; His grace is unending. He's always waiting to welcome you back in His arms."

Golda finally let herself cry. We just waited for her until she finally calmed herself and faced us again with a smile on her face.

"Thank you."

"Forgive me for telling this," biglang nagsalita si Blake. "Katulad nga nang sinabi ni Pastor Theo, Golda, I'm glad that this happened, because I went here to somehow help you. I'm glad because it means something good is going to happen. There's just a breaking before the breakthrough."

"Blake's right," pagsang-ayon ni Sir Theo.

Napayuko ako bigla. "I . . ."

"Yes, Molly?"

"I'm diagnosed with depression." Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita silang nakatitig sa'kin. "Last year, when Garnet and I broke up, I met a new guy who was a writer as well, we became close but I never knew that he's known in the industry because of his anonymity. B-because I s-still cannot get over my ex, I-I gave my all to this new guy." Pumikit ako saglit para ayusin ang paghinga ko. "W-we lived in together, and I was foolish to think that it's a fairy tale—two writers falling in love? I was only in love with the idea of romance. Until we both published our works separately. It was revealed that . . . w-we had the same concept and story."

"And then?" Blake urged me to continue when he sensed my hesitation to continue.

"He was way more popular than me, kung hindi ko pa siya nakita sa isang book signing event ay hindi ko malalaman na siya ang author behind that pen name, but he didn't tell me even though we're living together. Then people accused me of plagiarism because of the similarities of our book, it damaged my reputation and career. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kinaya at kinompronta ko si Arthur, but he just shrugged me off. When I tried to threaten him that I'd expose him, he turned the tables quickly. He said that if I'll do that, malalaman ng public na may relasyon kami."

"So? Bakit hindi mo binuking ang animal na 'yon?" Segunda ni Golda.

"I-I was afraid because. . . I didn't know that . . . he's already married. Saka niya sinabi na may asawa't anak na siya." Sunod-sunod na pumatak ang luha ko. "I'm so ashamed of my stupidity. I'm afraid that . . . I'm just so afraid of everything."

Biglang tumayo si Golda at sinunggaban ako ng yakap. I hugged her back and cried my all to her. I can't believe that I'll easily confess it all to them than to my therapist and my editor.

"Wala kang kasalanan, Molly," sabi ni Golda habang hinahagod ang likuran ko kaya mas lalo akong napahagulgol. "Maniwala ka, wala kang kasalanan. Wala kang ginawang mali. Hindi mo alam, kaya wala kang kasalanan, okay?"

"P-pero . . ."

Binitawan niya ako at tinitigan nang direkta sa mga mata. "All this time, sinusubukan mong takbuhan ang problema na 'yan pero katulad ko, kailangan mo na ring harapin 'yan at tapusin. Narinig mo na kanina lahat, 'di ba? Hindi ka nag-iisa, dahil?"

Tumingin ako kay Sir Theo, he was looking at me with so much compassion in his eyes. He stood near me to tap my shoulders.

"P-pwede ko rin po ba maging kakampi ang Diyos?" it sounded like a childish question. Sir Theo smiled at me.

"You are so much loved, Molly," he said in a tender voice. "You are a beloved writer of God."

Hearing that made me bawl like a kid again.

"I-I want Him too."

Nagkatinginan sina Golda at Sir Theo. Si Blake naman ay tumayo rin at lumapit sa'min.

"Hearing all this stuff made my heart beat fast for some reason," Blake said smiling, tumingin siya kay Golda. "I remember the time you were trying to convince me to accept God, but I was hesitant because I was trying to study the science of mind. But now, I'm compelled to accept Him sincerely."

"Well then," Sir Theo urged us to hold hands and he began to pray.

Th four of us bowed our heads, while Sir Theo's voice echoed the whole room. Nakapikit ang mga mata ko pero pakiramdam ko'y may mainit na dumapo sa ulo ko hanggang paibaba ng katawan ko.

There's just a breaking before the breakthrough.

Finally, I can see a glimmer of hope. My sorrows and pain are not meaningless because there's a great purpose to it.

To find Him.