[ CHAPTER ONE ! ]

the day i died

SEPTEMBER 26, 2003

I WAS SLEEPING WHEN I heard the front door slam shut. With the front door being directly below Joel and I's bedroom and this house being poorly built, the entire room shook with the harsh slam. I take a moment to analyze my surroundings and look at the clock next to me, revealing the fact that it's three in the morning. 

I pull the covers off of me and notice Joel still isn't back. It's been nearly four hours and he still isn't back. I felt my heart begin to quicken as I peeked through the blinds on my window. There were planes military planes flying ahead and the road to our house was dark and had an eery vibe to it that made my stomach twist into knots. The street lights were dimmed and slowly flashed. But Joel's truck was nowhere to be found in our driveway. Meaning, he for sure wasn't back. I made my way to the closet and hidden amongst my few shoe boxes, was a bright green one where my gun lay.

Taking it out of the box, I secure the lid and put it back in the pile before standing and grazing my hand over the trigger of the gun. The metal is cold against my fingers but my shaking hands are the only things I can focus on. 

Slowly, I twist the doorknob that belongs to Sarah's bedroom, and as the door creaks when it opens only makes my heart rate fasten. Her bed is empty and I question her safety. With a-somewhat-steady hand, I grip the gun tighter and make my way down the staircase. 

I can hear the TV on and the sound only gets louder as I approach the living room. 

It's a black background with the words National Alert: Law Enforcements in your area will be in contact with further instructions shortly. My heart sinks and then, I hear a motorcycle engine revving and tires screeching. I look to my left and out the window and I spot Sarah in the Adler's yard. 

I don't hesitate when running outside and to Sarah. I clutch onto her and am relieved she's safe but my gut is still screaming at me.

"The Adler's dog--" Sarah seemed to be in a slight panic. 

I pull away from her but keep my left hand on her face, forcing her to look at me while my gun remains tight in my opposite hand. "What? What is it, baby?" 

She moves her gaze to the Adler's door. It's wide open and as I examine it, my body tenses and everything within me is screaming don't go in! "Their dog ran that way and I need to tell them." 

I find myself sighing once I know it's only the dog that she's stressed about. I see the collar in her hand and hide my gun away in my pocket. "Here. Give me the collar and I'll go tell them. You just go back inside and go back to sleep. Okay?" 

She nods and I can tell there's still some worry behind the brave face she's putting on. She hands me the collar and I jog up the steps of their porch as I knock lightly on their open door. "Mrs. Adler?" 

No answer. I wait a few seconds before walking in. There's a strong smell of copper and it's awful. An overwhelming scent that I can't shake. My gut begins to clench and my heart quickens. "Mrs. Adler?" I call out again but once again, don't get a response. As I look around, there's not a person in sight. The room is dark and ahead of me, I see two brown doors--the ones you push open for entry. As I'm ready to enter, I begin to slip as the end of my shoe seems to slide through liquid. I look down and find the answer to why it reeked of copper. Blood. 

Blood everywhere. There's a trail of it. I follow the red river and find Mr. Adler staring directly at me. There's blood oozing out of his neck and streaming down his body. 

I freeze. I'm frozen in place as he stares at me and rasps for me to help him. I let out a gasp but didn't have time to shield my terror because once the man nodded to his left, my entire body shut down. 

I was staring at this supposed bedridden elderly woman eating her daughter. Eating her.

Mrs. Adler spots me and I'm convinced this is where I die. I don't feel entirely here. I feel like I've disappeared and my body is just taking off while my mind stays frozen.

My hand attaches to the gun in my pocket and I'm clutching to it harder than I ever have. As I run out of the house, I see Sarah standing there. She's still standing there, staring at me in horror. "Sarah, go! Get inside!" 

She doesn't move. She seems frozen. In shock. I make it to the sidewalk and grab Sarah's hand and am about to take off running into our house when a truck pulls up behind us and the screeching of the tires echoes throughout the area. Both Sarah and I look back to see Joel and Tommy getting out of Joel's black truck. 

Joel has a wrench with his hand clenched around it and Tommy has a shotgun. 

"Get in the truck!" Joel is shouting at us but neither of us seems to be able to move. My entire body is shaking and my lungs can't seem to get enough air.

We watch as infected Mrs. Adler stands from the ground and begins to run toward Joel. 

"What are we doing here, Joel?" Tommy croaks as the woman gets closer and his finger tremble over the gun's trigger.

I'm wondering the same thing as I watch the scene unfold. But none of us can move. My heart is beating out my chest and my brain is screaming for me to get in the car but my feet remain stuck to the concrete sidewalk. 

I blink and Joel's wrench hits the side of Mrs. Adler's skull and she's down. I can't even think to stop the gasp escaping my lips before it does. I feel Sarah's shaking hand squeeze mine and as I look back, her big brown eyes are welling with tears and her bottom lip begins to quiver. "It's okay, baby," I attempt to steady my hands as I pull her into my embrace, my hand holding the back of her head, keeping her gaze down as I turn her the opposite way. Away from Mrs. Adler's dead body. I'm not only trying to convince Sarah but myself. I'm petrified and don't know what to say or do.

Joel seems to realize how he may have affected Sarah by doing this and he tosses the wrench on the ground and approaches us. He kneels down to get on our daughter's height level, "I'm so sorry, baby," his eyes are full of nothing but empathy. Yet, he still had that brave face shielding what I knew was terror. "Listen, it isn't just the Adler's. It's other people, too. But, we're going to be brave and get through this." 

Sarah read his gaze, examined his features, and then decided. She nodded and Joel opened the car door. I help her in the truck and get in behind her. 

Joel is shouting something at our neighbor from across the street--something I can't make out. I grab Sarah's hands and hold them tightly. The harsh movement of Joel's truck door slamming behind him makes me jump. Reminds me of the feeling I had just minutes ago when I was in my bedroom. The feeling that has only worsened.

Tommy puts the truck into drive and is attempting to escape this street when we see two bodies in front of the car. One infected, one not. I hardly have time to even process it before Tommy runs the infected over. The way the truck's wheels rolled over it like it would a speed bump. How the intensity made her want to throw up. 

I felt myself begin to disassociate from reality and my skull felt like it was pressing against my brain, creating a forced pressure. My ears were ringing but I couldn't hear a thing outside of the high pitch. 

I watched as we passed a house along the road. It was very clear to be on fire, flames going every way the wind blew. 

"The Adlers would take nana to the city. to the hospital for stuff." this cut the ringing echoing in my head off. Something Sarah said.

"That's right. they would. that's probably why."

"But... you'd have to go a lot, right?"

"We're fine. Trust me."

I look out my window and spot a small group of people pulled over on the side of the road, waving for help. 

The uneasy feeling in my stomach grows, once again. Tommy begins to pull over, worsening it.

"What are you doing?" Joel is scolding his brother and I can see panic begin to show through his mask.

Tommy's eyes were full of sympathy and his eyebrows furrowed together with reason. "They got a kid, Joel."

"So do we." Joel glanced back at Sarah. "Keep driving."

"We could put them in the back." Sarah just watched her father kill someone murderous and she was still being optimistic. Hopeful. This was something I always loved about her, her optimism. Something I hope she'll carry with her for the rest of her life. 

"Somebody else'll come along."

The truck speeds up and within seconds we can see the highway now. It's jammed and there are a dozen cars speeding in the opposite direction. Toward us.

Tommy begins to beep. "Fuck!" he slams his fist onto the dashboard and it makes me jump. "Everybody had the same fucking idea."

The two men sputter directions to each other in a collective panic and begin to drive through the field. 

I bring Sarah's hands--that are clasped around mine--and press my lips gently against them. I look into her scared brown eyes and attempt to smile. "We're gonna be okay. You know that, right?" 

I'm hoping that I can reflect hope onto her. On to my optimistic little girl. Even though my body is tense and my heart is racing and my mind is spewing a thousand words at once. 

She nods and I feel my heart ping.

When I look back out the window I see that we're back on the main road and speeding down it as a military plane soars right above us. The sound is high and eery and I think my eardrums might explode. It's an intense pressure and I can't stop it. 

Police cars beat us to the bridge into the north when Tommy takes a sharp turn and pulls the truck into a culdesac of small-town businesses. 

I've been down this street a hundred thousand times but have never been so scared for my life. There are people in the middle of the street, running in synchronized panic. Joel is barking orders at his brother to keep going but the people spread across the street prevent it. A second later, the doors of the bar in front of them blast open and floods of screaming people run out. The truck began to go backward but there was hardly anywhere we could go. The people behind us began to gasp and look up at the sky and when I looked back, I knew why and my heart stopped. "Joel!" 

He looks back and the silence in this vehicle is deafening. 

There's a plane--supposedly landing--and headed right for us. It's diagonal and appears to have a broken wing. 

The cries of civilians around us only get louder and that's all I can hear beneath my beating heart before everything goes black and silent.

I'M THE FIRST TO WAKE UP amongst the four of us. I see Joel, Tommy, and Sarah passed out around me. The truck behind me is upside down but I'm on the gravel road. There are unconscious bodies all around me and I don't know what to do for a moment. But when I see the blood oozing down my pants, what I need to do is so clear. 

I watch as Joel turns the corner of the flipped-over truck with instability in his leg. Sarah is still stuck in the backseat of the truck and I can see her slowly regain consciousness. 

First, Joel helps Sarah out of the vehicle. And then, Sarah is the first to see the condition I'm in. I'll never forget the way her innocent eyes widened and filled with tears. Joel followed her gaze and landed on my legs. My blood-covered jeans.

He freezes for a moment before joining me at my side and placing his hand on the middle of my back. "Lay down," his voice is shaky and almost like a whisper. "try not to move, okay? We're gonna--we're gonna get you out of here." 

I can't feel anything from my waist down which I know isn't good. I think I'm in shock but I know that I'm losing my baby. Our baby. "I'm having a miscarriage." 

I see his heart break. I can see it in his eyes. I can see everything he's thinking and he's finally letting himself be transparent. "I know." 

This is it. I think. I'm dying. 

It was at that moment when I had my first gun pointed at me. Ever. There was a flashlight shining right in my eyes, not allowing me to make out who was pointing the gun at me. I didn't hear this person say anything, either. He just pointed the gun at me. I couldn't hear Joel say anything, either. But I knew he was. 

I was frozen and watched as the man slowly tilted the gun down and walked away from me. 

Joel pushed the loose hairs from my ponytail out of my face. "Sweetheart, look at me."

"Joel," I breathe out but my voice is so quiet. I can see tears begin to form in his eyes. "I don't want to die." 

His lips begin to shape into a frown and his eyes are glassier but he still looks so guarded. He still has that goddamn wall built between us. "You'll be okay, sweetheart. You'll be okay."

I didn't believe him, though. I don't believe him. "I'm sorry." 

He knows what I'm sorry for. He fucking knew yet he still asked me, "What for?" 

Breaking my heart into a million more pieces. "For losing our baby."

He doesn't say anything. Just clings onto my hand tighter as his jaw twitches and I can tell he's fighting off tears. He embraces me and holds me and he's warm against me.

He smells of ash and sweat and cologne and it's perfect. His lips meet the top of my head and I can just barely feel it. I can just barely feel the way his fingers caress my back. I want to feel it, all of it. But I can't. My body is slowly going numb and my heart finally begins to slow down. My hands' shaking finally comes to a stop and my mind isn't running anymore. 

He didn't say anything to me. He didn't tell me it was okay or that he loved me. He just held me. He held me and it was enough.

"I'll see you again, right?" He's sobbing and shaking all over as he holds my body. "When you finish saving the world."

I still don't know if he could hear me or not. I don't know if he ever will finish saving this world.

But I'm at peace. I was at peace when I died.