Chapter 1

Tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. 

I immediately wiped it away before I let out a whimper. The burning sensation in my legs was still there and I couldn’t even move them without being in pain. Biting my lips, I stood and didn’t attempt to sit again on the floor. It was much more comfortable for me to stand than to sit.

As much as I wanted to complain, I couldn’t.

“You should be flexible enough to do those choreographies,” said Ate Mina, our dance teacher. She stood in front of me with her arms crossed on her chest.

AC, our leader, scoffed. “What’s the use? Mukha lang naman ang pinapansin sa kanya. Remember, she was instantly famous just by releasing her pictures to the public? They didn’t even question her talent.” 

She then rolled her eyes, combing her short brown hair.

Hindi ko hinayaan na maapektuhan ako sa komento niya. Alam ko rin naman na totoo iyon. 

Since when did I get complimented because of my dancing?

Ate Mina sharply looked at me. “She still needs her talent or she’ll stay as a flower of the group! Do you want to be just a pretty face, Moira?”

I looked down and didn’t answer.

Hindi ako makatingin diretso sa mga mata niya. She may be harsh, but I know she only wanted me to improve and do my best to fit the role I was given. Dancing was her passion, so she wanted to see results from usㅡher students. I give her that. But sometimes, I just wanted to escape from her and her sermons.

Ate Mina said a few harsher words before she dismissed us.

“Don’t mind her, Moi,” Ate Nina, the oldest member, said. She stood and caressed me gently on my back. 

I only sighed and forced a smile.

“Siya kaya ang mag-split na bugbog halos ang katawan dahil sa araw-araw na praktis!” Reklamo ni Jesh bago lumapit sa akin at kumapit sa braso ko. “Our poor Moira. You should rest, babe. ‘Wag mo masyadong isipin ang sinabi ni Ate Mina, okay?”

Tuluyan na akong napangiti nang yumakap siya sa akin kahit na pareho kaming pawis.  Mabilis naman na yumakap din sa amin si Ate Nina na may malawak na ngiti.

The pain and sadness became bearable knowing that I had them by my side. Aside from chasing my dream to be an idol and show the world my talent, Jesh and Ate Nina were one of the reasons why I was still holding on. They’ve been with me and believed in me since my trainee days. I couldn’t afford to fail them.

We let each other go when someone laughed mockingly. AC clapped her hands slowly while watching us. “How sweet of you. You’re treating her like a baby that’s why she won't grow and improve. Why did you even become part of the group and take the main dancer position?”

Jesh arched her eyebrows. “Why did you even become our leader? Mas kilala pa kami kaysa sa iyo.”

“Shut up, Jesh!”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, sabi ko nga shut up na ako, e.”

Mabilis naman na tinapik ni Ate si Jesh upang awatin na ito habang ang dalawa pang miyembro ng grupo ay lumapit na kay AC.

“Let’s just go, Ate. I’m so tired that I can hear my bed calling for me,” Mica, our youngest member, pouted and poked our leader’s shoulder.

Debbie agreed without even glancing at us. Pangalawa siya sa mas bata sa grupo at malapit din sa lider namin. Kung may Jesh at Nina ako, si AC naman ay may Debbie at Mica.

I just shook my head when the three left.

I’m already used to them. Kahit noong trainees pa lang kami ay pinaramdam na sa akin nina AC na ayaw nila sa akin. They were always picking on me while Nina and Jesh were defending me. To be honest, I didn’t mind, hoping that they would stop. Kaso para bang mas lumalim ang inis nila sa akin noong nag debut kami. It’s not like I’m enjoying the attention the people were giving me. Siguro sa umpisa ay masaya ako kasi pakiramdam ko ay importante ako at tanggap ng lahat. Ngunit, habang tumatagal din ay para bang nasasakal na ako sa bawat atensyon na aking nakukuha. Kahit na bago pa lang naman kami.

Nag-aalala na tumingin sa akin si Ate Nina. “Sure ka bang maiiwan ka rito?”

I looked at her while stretching. “Yes. Don’t worry, uuwi rin ako kaagad sa dorm.”

She stared at me for a moment before she let out a sigh. Ate walked closer to me and reached for my head. I adjusted myself since I was taller than her. 

A gentle smile flashed on her face as she patted me gently. “Basta kapag hindi mo na kaya, tama na.”

Isang tango lang ang sinagot ko sa kanya bago bumaling kay Jesh na nakasimangot na sa akin.

“Kawawa naman iyang katawan mo. Kanina pa tayo sumasayaw, Moi. Baka naman kumalas na iyan.”

I pouted. “I’m fine. I just need an hour to check the routine, again.”

She just rolled her eyes at me and called Ate Nina. Jesh was older than me by months, that's why she acted as a big sister to me while Ate Nina was like a mother to us.

Nagpaalam sila sa akin bago sumunod kina Mica na nauna sa van. 

I waited for them to leave before I practiced again.

Even when my body refused to move anymore, I continued to dance until I reached my limit and was already lying on the floor. When I got the energy to sit, I massaged my legs, putting a little bit of pressure on my thighs.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata nang may kirot akong naramdaman. Nang mapatingin ako sa aking harap ay doon ko lang napansin ang mga luha na pumapatak mula sa aking mga mata. 

I was crying again.

When will my tears even dry? I couldn’t even remember a day when I didn’t shed tears since I debuted.

I watched myself cry in front of the big mirror. When I finally got to debut, I was happy. Yet, the reflection in the mirror was someone so sad. Someone who was trying hard to please others.

Nang umayos ang aking pakiramdam ay mabilis akong tumayo’t inayos ang mga gamit ko. I put on a ball cap and face mask before leaving the building. It was already midnight and our manager was probably asleep at the moment so I took a cab to go back to the dorm. Luckily, the driver seems to not notice or suspect my get-up. 

As soon as I entered the dorm, my eyes landed on the person standing in front of the counter table. Ate Nina turned to me and gave me a warm smile. “Welcome home, Moi.” She put her phone down on the table before walking inside the kitchen and shouted. “I’ll prepare lukewarm water. You should take a bath using it.”

Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya at niyakap siya. “Thanks, Ate Nins. Nanay talaga kita!”

She giggled at that. I released her and waited in the living room.

Our dorm was simple with enough space for the seven of us. There’s a hallway leading to the four rooms. Kami ni Ate ang roommate habang si Jesh ay solo ang isang kwarto. Magkasama naman sina Debbie at Mica habang si AC ay ang manidyer namin ang kasama sa kwarto.

A hand tapped me on my head lightly. Ate Nina handed me a towel and tilted her head towards the bathroom. “You should go now. We have an early schedule. Mauuna na ako sa kwarto, a?”

“Okay. Goodnight, Ate! Thank you so much.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I almost lost balance when Jesh jumped toward me as soon as I got out of the room. She hugged me tightly. “Good morning, Moira!”

“Good morning, Jesh,” I greeted back with weak energy.

Sa sobrang pagod ko kagabi ay mabilis akong nakatulog. I didn’t even do my skincare routine after the shower and just threw myself on my bed. Even in my dreams, I was practicing. It didn’t help because I woke up exhausted.

Jesh was hyper early in the morning that it became loud in the dorm. Everyone prepared for the early schedule as we took turns taking a bath since we only have one bathroom. Good thing that we don’t need to prepare that much because we’ll do our hair and makeup in the salon.

Just like usual our hairstylist and makeup artists were already ready when we came to the salon. They started to do their work as we just sat quietly. 

We turned to Ate Nerissa, our manager, who came back with iced coffees.  She handed it to the stylists and us. She even bought one for herself. Our manager loves using our company card in times like this.

Ate placed my drink on the table in front of me. She stared at my reflection. “You’re beautiful as always, our beloved Moira.” Ate caressed my cheeks carefully. “Natural and light makeup suits you. You look like a porcelain doll.”

Satisfied with my look, Ate Nerissa fixed my curtain bangs and my blonde hair that was pulled up in a messy bun. She then went to check on the other members while I just sat there with a heavy heart.

Porcelain doll, huh?

I scoffed and applied a lip gloss to add some shine effect on my lips that were tinted with pink color. 

My eyes blinked a few times. My pale face looks more alive now thanks to the power of makeup. Still, I couldn’t appreciate the things that the others appreciate about me anymore.

I snapped back to reality when our manager called us. She quickly told us our other schedules and gave us our interview script on our way to the broadcasting studio. The moment we arrived, the assistant producer guided and briefed us about the show.

The cheer of the fans could be heard even backstage. My heart pounded so fast at that. I took a deep breath before we walked up the stage.

We all lined up and turned to the audience. AC glanced and counted before we introduced ourselves simultaneously. “We bring sparkles! Hello, we are Flairies!”

The studio erupted with cheers and fan chants and we have to wait for them to settle down before we introduce ourselves individually.

“Hello, everyone! I’m the leader of the group, AC,” our leader said, waving her hands.

“The youngest member in the building, Mica!” She then winked which made the fans cheer loudly again.

They quiet down again after a few seconds.

“Hi, I’m Debbie the main vocalist of Flairies,” she introduced herself in a singsong.

Our head turned to Jesh who clapped loudly. “Happy virus at your service. I’m Jesh!”

“The oldest and caring friend, Nina!” She gave a finger-heart to the fans.

I bit my lower lip when it was my turn. “I’m Moira, the main dancer and visual of the Flairies that would bring light to your life!”

I almost flinched at my introduction.

Everyone became louder as they chanted my name.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the people in the studio. They look so happy just by seeing us. Masaya rin ako dahil kung hindi dahil sa kanila ay baka wala ako sa kung nasaan ako ngayon. Para din sa kanila kung bakit mas gusto namin gawin iyong best namin.

It was heartwarming. I was grateful to our fans that they accepted us as a group and me as an individual. Yet, the way they see me was something I don’t want. The visual position they admired in me was something I couldn’t be happy about.

Hindi ko maiwasan hindi makaramdam ng kirot. Mabuti na lang at nagsimula na ang interview namin.

It lasted for thirty minutes. The questions were only connected to our upcoming album and our plans. However, I couldn’t control my expression when I was told that I was fit to pursue a career in the modeling industry. The smile I wore just faded instantly when the host showered me with compliments. He even ignored the other members and was focused on me.

Thankfully, Jesh tried her best to catch the attention of the host when it was already uncomfortable. I didn’t even notice that I let out a sigh of relief when the show went back to normal flow.

I only realized my mistake the moment we stepped inside our waiting room. I immediately bit my lower lip and looked down.

Ate Nerissa told the staff to leave us for a moment while the members sat on chairs in the corner of the room.

Nakatayo lang ako sa harap ng pinto habang masamang nakatingin naman sa akin ang minidyer namin.

“May problema ba tayo, Moira?” tanong niya.

Mabilis ako umiling bilang sagot.

Ate hissed and grabbed me on my chin harshly. My body froze when she forcefully made me look at her sharp gaze. “How many times do I have to tell you that you should smile like a sweet little girl? All you have to do is smile, Moira! Anong attitude iyong pinakita mo kanina, huh? Pinupuri ka na nga pero sumimangot ka! Pasalamat ka nakausap ko ang director ng show para i-edit iyong clip na iyon.”

Other artists may be harsh to their managers or treat them like a helper, but we couldn’t do that. She holds power in us. We couldn’t just complain about it since she was the one who allowed us to be where we are right now. She was the one who totally handles our career. She was good at it. Kaya rin sa kanya kami pinagkatiwala ng CEO namin dahil si Ate Nerissa ang isa sa mga manidyer na nagkaroon ng maraming alagang successful na sa industriyang ito.

I caressed my chin when she let go of it. “Sorry.”

Our manager glared at me for the last time before she stormed out of the room. She would probably cool herself down.

AC smiled at me mockingly before she proceeded to change her clothes along with Debbie and Mica.

Jesh stood beside me and poked me on my cheeks. “Stop biting your lips already. Baka mamaya ay dumugo na iyan, babe. Hindi worth it iyang bruha nating manidyer ng dugo ng labi mo!”

Umiiling na lumapit naman si Ate Nins sa amin bago niya ako hinagod sa aking likod. “Magpalit na rin tayo ng damit. Ate said that we’ll go back to the dorm to take a rest before we go to the company for practice.”

Jesh and I groaned in unison.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I woke up from my twenty minutes nap, I walked out of the room when there were noises outside.

I frowned when everyone gathered in the living room. Their attention was on the television and they didn’t even notice me. I settled myself on the chair near the counter table. A variety show of the Grand Knights played on the screen. As far as I remember, it’s part of their promotion for their upcoming album.

The guys welcomed their guests, who were also part of E Entertainment. The way they joked around the girls showed how close they were to their labelmates.

“I hope we’ll have an opportunity to be in the same show with the Grand Knights,” said Debbie with a pout. “It looks fun!”

“I’ve heard they are nice even off-cam. Also, look how comfortable the Scarlet Dolls are with them!” Mica commented, sipping on her milk tea.

I nodded at that.

Nakita na rin namin sila isang beses sa isang music show. Madalas nilang kasama ang iba pang artist ng E Entertainment. I envy them, to be honest. They looked like a family.

We’re also part of a big company but every artist of Sakura Entertainment has their own worlds. We could only pretend that we’re close whenever there’s a camera. Mabait naman ang ibang grupo ng Sakura pero para bang may linya na humihiwalay sa amin. Mas lalong hindi kami malapit sa mga babaeng artist. We're all colleagues but couldn't be considered as friends like those in E Entertainment.

I looked away and my shoulders dropped when one of the members of the Grand Knights teased the leader of Scarlet Dolls for being too serious and how she didn’t hide her disappointment when they were defeated in one game. However, they were playful and didn’t make a big deal even when the girl kept her serious face. She didn’t even try to look sweet or kind during the show. She looked raw and true to what she was showing the people.

I felt a pang when I remembered how I got scolded earlier. Can’t I be like her? Can’t I show my true self and emotion to others? Should I stay with the image that the company set for me?

The girls giggled when there was a censored beep. A member cursed while everyone just laughed at him. The corner of my lips curved upward. Not every idol has the luxury to be chaotic on-cam. E Entertainment gave them freedom as to how they would express themselves even in live broadcasts.

Everyone dreamed of being part of the companyㅡeven I did.

“Who knows, we might also have the chance to date one of them,” AC  squealed.

My jaw dropped at her. How could she even think of that?

We may not have a dating ban but that was one of the scariest things in the entertainment industry. Your dating life may destroy the career you built for years. We were also rookies in this industry so it was possible that entering a relationship would bring us down.

There are times where we have to listen to the public's opinion about our love livesㅡespecially someone who just started in this industry.

Jesh scoffed. “Then what? They might cheat if they dated someone like you. Remember, their leader even revealed that Hendreich Lee dated someone and when they broke up, he dated the sister of his ex-girlfriend! Isa pa, malapit sila halos sa lahat ng babae. Kaya nga hindi mo alam baka may karelasyon pala ang isa sa kanila.”

Ate Nina nodded. "Hendreich even admitted that he can't stay committed for too long in a relationship. He always gives his partner a reason to break up with him."

AC only made a face at their comments.

Napailing na lang ako bago bumalik sa aking silid. I won’t waste my energy watching and listening to the members. I would rather rest than be reminded of how messed up this industry was in many aspects.

Aside from the consequences dating could bring, being with someone who you truly don’t know was scary.

Never trust someone working for entertainment. They don’t last that long. Just like how dramas ended suddenly while you’re still enjoying them, relationships could also end while you’re at the highest or maybe even at your lowest moment. After all, everyone in the industry was trained to hide their darkest side and trained to act as someone according to the public’s taste so it won’t damage their reputation.

We're made to entertain people. A public figure should always prioritize showing what the public only wanted to see.

That's what our agency taught us.

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly.

For now, I should focus on improving my dance skill. I should prove to others that I deserve to be an idol. That I’m more than just a pretty face. I shouldn’t think about any other things.

Even dating.

ㅡㅡㅡ

Hello! It's been a while! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this story~

Also, I created a Twitter account. You guys can follow me there @MiyazuHimeee

Thank you and love lots ^^