I'm back with another update. This as well as the next chapter will deal with some strong themes relating to mental health and mental disorders. Please read only if you are comfortable to do so because your mental health is always the first priority! The views about therapy that I have mentioned do not hold true for all situations. Please seek help if you feel like you need it because therapy can do wonders as well.

If any of you are feeling down or just want to talk or vent, please don't hesitate to message me. I hope you all are doing well in the lockdown and I hope you like this chapter. 

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I didn't really know how many days had passed since my breakdown at school. It may have been a few days or a week or even more than that, time was no longer a clear concept to me. The monsters in my head, from whom I was trying to hide, caught up to me and devoured me whole. All that was left of me was a sorry excuse of the man I used to be, just a bunch of bones and muscles that held my body together because my mind had given up. It had run its final sprint and it had no energy to fight with the monsters anymore.

Jin and Namjoon asked me to consider getting therapy again but I didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to fight my past with some coping mechanisms a psychiatrist assigned me. Anyway, when I tried therapy a few years ago, it helped only minisculely. 

No amount of therapy could help until I accepted the demons in my head and dealt with them on my own. No psychiatrist could provide me mental peace until I vanquished the reason for the dark void in my head in the first place. I vowed to myself that this time around it would be different, this time I would end the beasts once and for all and the first step towards doing that would be telling Jungkook everything.

I knew that the duel between my mind and its demons will be much longer and harder this time around and it was only right for me to air it all out in the open and leave it to Kookie to decide if he wanted to stay. There would be no compulsion from my side because right now, even I wouldn't want to stay with me.

Acting on an impulse, I immediately called Jungkook but it went straight to voicemail. I switched my phone on to check the date and realized it was a Thursday, making it three days since I had gone to school. Namjoon had talked with Mr. Kwon about me taking an off for a few days. I knew it wasn't very professional to not show up for class less than a week after being appointed as a faculty but I was in no headspace to even think about teaching a class full of students at the moment. 

Not knowing what else to do till Jungkook got home, I caught up on some college studies I was lagging behind in. Studying music was like a recluse to me, it always felt like I was home when I was with music. It never felt like a chore that I had to complete. Rather, it was refreshing, like drinking chamomile tea on a winter night. 

I was so engrossed in the study material that I didn't even notice my phone buzzing till it rang the second time. Noticing that it was Jungkook, I quickly picked it up, holding my breath as I waited for him to speak first.

"Tae, you there?" he spoke over the phone and I felt a sense of liberation on hearing his voice, like the problems in my life didn't even exist when he was nearby. 

Sucking a deep breath in, I forced the words off my tongue, my voice raspy from not having talked to anyone in a while, "Hi Jungkook."

I could hear Kookie heave a sigh of relief through the phone and despite myself, my lips turned upwards at the ends. "How are you?" his voice rang through the phone, echoing in my head, bouncing back and forth like an unending discordance of badly tuned instruments. Those three words kept playing back over and over in my head, an endless echo of 'how are you? how are you? how are you?' , the answer to which I hadn't a clue about.

"Tae, please talk to me," Jungkook voiced, desperation lacing every single syllable that left his mouth.

"Can you come over? There's a lot we have to talk about," I breathed, my head spinning. I clutched the table for support as I took deep breaths in, willing my mind to steady itself.

"I'm on my way right now," Jungkook replied to which I whispered an okay before hanging up. My head was pounding and no matter how many measured breaths I took, there did not seem to be enough oxygen going into my brain.

The wait for Jungkook to reach my place was dreadful, every breath dragging across infinite moments of time, ripping pain from my head through my body. I continually tried to calm myself down, even thought about calling Namjoon and Jin but they were at work and I did not want to cause them any more trouble than I already had. So, I told myself  to'man up', the way my father used to tell me and got my shit together, somehow pulling all the fragments my body had broken into, together. It was a shaky foundation but atleast I wasn't completely falling apart.

The sound of the doorbell ringing resonated through my house, signalling the younger was here. On any other day, seeing my Kookie would immediately brighten up my day, making me feel lighter and smile wider. But, today was not one of those days. Today, I was going to reveal the deepest secret I had ever kept to this man, without knowing if he would stick around to hold me together in the aftermath.

I absolutely hated talking about this because no combination of alphabets could ever convey how utterly guilty I felt and what a horrible person I was. However, I had no choice. Jungkook deserved the truth, he deserved to know what kind of a monster I am so I pulled myself to my feet and dragged them to the door.

I pulled my mouth into a wide grimace, hoping that it resembled something of a smile and pulled the door open to see Kookie's face. It hit me that this might be the last time he may want to have anything to do with me so I made a mental note to memorize his face the best I could. So that I could draw his chipmunk cheeks and bunny teeth from memory. So that I could trace his chocolate eyes and the little twinkling stars within them long after he was gone. How he had come to mean so enormously to me in such a short amount of time was not something I could understand or explain.

We stood there, unmoving for several seconds, just looking at each other, unsure of what to say or do next. Then, without a warning, Jungkook lunged at me, pulling me into his arms and holding me tight, like he had no intention of ever letting me go. It didn't take me long to return the hug with just as much force, my head finding purchase on his shoulder as he pulled me in tighter. It was at this moment I realized that being in his arms was like being with music, it was a safe space where nothing in the world could harm me. His arms were a bulletproof vest, shielding me from all the bullets life shot at me and I wished I could stay within this bulletproof vest for eternity. He had come in his pajamas, as if he ran straight from home the second I asked him to come.

My eyes stung as tears made their way to the waterline, little droplets of this salty water squeezing out of my eyes and onto his shirt. He moved one of his hands to the back of my head, his fingers carding through my hair gently as he held me through it all, never loosening his grip around me even for a second. It took a few minutes of him murmuring, "You're okay," into my ear for me to calm down and get a grip over myself. 

Slowly and unwillingly, I pulled myself away from him, his hands loosely falling to his sides, the safe space he created for me no longer existent. It was D-Day and it was time to let everything out in the open. 

I grabbed his wrist lightly and pulled him to the couch, closing the door behind him. The two of us sat a few inches apart from one another, inches that I wanted to annihilate but knew had no right to. When I pulled my hand away, he just grabbed it back, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand.

"You're under no obligation to tell me anything, I hope you know that. You can take as much time as you need," he whispered, his hand pulling mine to his lips before leaving a chaste, gentle kiss on the back of my hand, leaving the skin there burning with the memory of his touch.

"You need to know though, to decide if you want to have anything to do with me," I whispered back, my voice hoarse from crying and my heart pounding in my ears. My vision became bleary as tears once again dotted my eyes, every breath laboured.

"I don't need to hear anything to decide that I want to be with you Tae," he replied, hand gripping mine harder, only concern and affection visible in his eyes. His focused gaze met mine, as if trying to pierce through my insecurities and drench me in an ocean of his love. With immense difficulty, I tore my gaze away, knowing deep down that I was not worthy of any love.

With my gaze trained on the tiled floor, I forced the words I dreaded saying off my tongue, my mouth feeling like sandpaper. "I'm not who you think I am. I am guilty Jungkook, guilty of murder," I replied, looking up to see his expression change.

Hope you all are okay after reading this chapter. The next one will be more heavy, just as a warning to proceed cautiously. I hope you all have a great weekend and I'm here for each and every one of you:)

Also, the Daechwita MV! My wig flew all the way from India to Korea, right into Agust D's hands. He can have my heart and my soul, I don't care. 

PS : Jinkook play-fighting in the background was the most adorable scene. Stream D-2 guys, it's worth the love!

STAN BTS