"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
― Richard Puz, The Carolinian

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Wei Wuxian

My head throbs when my eyes open. I was back in Jingshi, under the familiar soft quilt which contained my favorite scent of sandalwood.

Lan Zhan!

I stand up too fast and almost fall on the bed right after.

Damn this head! I need to find Lan Zhan. He must have talked to Zewu Jun.

I drag myself towards the door and open it. I hold on to the doorframe to steady myself. My head was spinning. I see something white immerging through the entrance from the corner of my eye. I don't have to see what it is to know that it was Lan Zhan.

I've never seen him this way. So broken, so lost. But who is to be blamed? Me. Only me.

He doesn't deserve this. He should be having a happy life.

When our eyes met I felt as if something broke inside me, knowing that the sole reason for his pain was me.

He runs to me and puts his arms around my waist. He trembles as he grips my robes and my hands immediately wrapped around his neck. I pull him close to me, tightening my hug.

He breaks down into my shoulder.

"Lan Zhan," I start, but what can I say? That I'm here, it will be a lie.

He was shaking uncontrollably. He must be dying inside.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper.

"Stay." He simply says, voice cracked, but I know the weight behind it. "Please."

If there was just one piece that was whole inside me, that too broke right now. I feel tears pouring out of my eyes and I tighten my hold on him.

I want to, I want to stay with you, Lan Zhan. I'm trying.

Thousands of things that I want to say, but I felt like I was choking on my words.

He holds on to me as if his life depended on it, maybe it did. So I let him hold me while he can. I let him cry on me.

And I don't let go.

Even when his shaking controls.

Even when he runs out of tears.

Even when his grip on my robes lightens.

Even when he finally lets out a steady breath.

Even when I take him to the bed and we lie down.

I don't let him go. If I could, I will hold on forever.

And now I realize, forever is not a promise, it's a hope.

***

"Lan Zhan?" I call him that night as I lie next to him, with my head on his chest. "Are you awake?"

"Hm," I hear his voice resonate through his chest.

"Hold me."

He does what I requested, by turning to his side and securing me within his arms.

I feel his breath on my forehead as he sighs when I push myself close to him. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I will find a way to survive, Lan Zhan. For you."

Lan Wangji

Sixteen years after losing him. They were the longest years of my life. Each day I woke up with the hope of seeing him again, and sometimes I did, in my mind. I played my Guqin every night hoping I would hear it sound back, only to be lost in the unbearable silence.

I believed that it will be the worst pain I've endured. But I was wrong. Because now that he's back, learning that I'm going to lose him again, it hurts worse.

The only assurance I have is his promise of finding a solution. But that's enough, isn't it?

My thoughts are interrupted when Wei Ying barges into Jingshi with a set of books on his hands. He pauses when he sees me. Seeing him perks up a hint of sadness and happiness within me at the same time. And the week smile he gives says that it was all the same to him.

It has been a few days since he has started working on what he called 'The Wuji array'. And I realize that regardless of what turmoil he goes through, he will always be Wei Ying.

My brother took over my duties for a short time to give me time to help him with it. But I knew that he did so to let me spend time with Wei Ying, for with him was the only place I could stay collected.

I walk towards the table where he was working, which was messy with various books and his own manuscripts opened. Although there was no order in it I noticed how he knew exactly where to find what.

I sit behind him and he leans on me. He was holding a paper with symbols on it.

"Lan Zhan, these are a few of the symbols that Mo Xuanyu used in his array to summon me. This one," he indicates one at the bottom left corner, "is the secret of his success."

"What is the difference?"

"Well, it's not a symbol from any of the books he used. See this small line here, either he put it there by mistake, or on purpose. It channels him straight to the needed soul."

"Are you agreeing to do what the spirit told? To possess into your old body?"

"I'm not sure yet. I don't know if reincarnating thrice is possible, but it seems like that is the only possible way. There's a lot of thinking to be done." He sighs and keeps the paper on the table. Turning around, he sits on my lap.

Well aware of what he wants I say, "You were working."

"But you're here now." He says with a grin.

"Then-" I'm stopped by his lips, as they kiss mine in soft gentle moves. A slow soft kiss, with a great amount of love and care, which he did not intend to initiate to anything.

He pulls away and rests his forehead on mine. "I can't keep my hands to myself these days."

"Hm." I know. I can't bear even a small space between us. "Wei Ying, don't hide anything from me hereafter."

He sighs. "I just... didn't want to hurt you, Lan Zhan."

"Even if it hurts me, don't. Promise me."

He smiles. "I promise."

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Stealing your tears again

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