Mum said that i care too much.

Kids at school see a cold extirior.

Friends see a strong cold girl.

What i see; a broken, abused, afraid girl with trust issues and a fucked up memories.

What i see; a girl that can't trust anyone because when she needs someone to be there to help her everybody is too busy with their own shit. BUT when they need someone i am there thinking they would be there for me.

Mum said that the marks on my body, which i caused, are self harm, self distruction. She is right.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I don't know"

Well it's a lie! I do know why i do this to myself. I do this to remind myself that i should not trust anyone. And every time i trust and they betray me i hurt myself also known as every fucking day.

When they need a psychologist i am there i analyze their shitty problems...i do and i think if they are dumb or i am extremely smart since their problems are the dumbest things i hear every day with one solid solution; TALK ABOUT IT WITH THE PERSON YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM WITH!!!

"My boyfriend broke up with me, what should i do?"

"My parents give me everything i want so i won't get upset!"

Blah blah blah!

Bitches!

They never ask about me! But when they do and i start to talk they don't hear!

"So, yesterday i felt really bad because my parents start screaming at me and my sister and..." I will say and i would get cut and they would say something along the lines of;

"Oh! Check this picture of my boyfriend naked in the snow! What a dumbass!"

After the third time i stopped listening to them and not speaking to them.

Until i need them;

"Hey! I need your help...i'm meeting this guy and i want you two to be with me, i'm afraid alone in case he tries anything, could you two make it? Please?" I beg.

"Sure!" They say.

The day of the event they both cancel so i'm left along and then one of them would text;

"I am sorry mum didn't allow me"

While the other won't even apologize for leaving you alone with an unknown guy.

FUCK YOU ALL!

I'm so tired of them!

Then they go out at night and they don't invite me but they make a check in on Facebook!

It hurts but i expected it long long time ago. Then why does it hurt?

Is it because i decided to start studying for the exams that will tell me what i will do after graduation? Was it because i stress over the future and i study seven days a week?

Am i the bitch in this case or are they?

Then i ask them if they would like to meet me.

"We can't. We went out yesterday and mum won't allow us to go out again."

THEY HAVE THE COURAGE TO ADMIT IT TO MY FACE THAT THEY WENT OUT WITHOUT AND THEY EXCLUDE ME!

Do they deserve me as a friend?

Are they even my friends?

My gut say no. My mind say to use them like they do to me. Keep them around as an illusion that i am not friendless like in the past.

Just for the public eyes. Just for the Social Media's eyes.

Just to prove that i am not alone.

Smile at the camera so how happy you are. Show how it does not hurt to be only noticed when people need something from you. Show how does it not hurt to be used. Play dumb. Show how you are not alone.

Let's go to the other thing i wanted to say;

https://youtu.be/sXiziS0xgSA

My teacher in Appliad Arts;

I speak to her about my ideas about projects or show her my projects and she says;

"It's nice."

"It's good."

"Do whatever you want."

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LOOKS AT MY WORK! SHE DOESN'T CARE!

AND WHEN I SPEAK TO HER SHE INTERUPTS ME TO SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF SUBJECT OR TO ORDER ME AROUND!

EVERYONE DOES IT!

WHY?

MY PARENTS.

MY TEACHER.

MY FRIENDS.

MY SISTER.

Maybe i should stop talking. Then they are going to miss me, i am sure of it.

"You speak too much! Not that is a bad thing!" My classmate Anastasia would say bluntly to my face but her eyes say the opposite.

Me talking is a problem.

I have become an expert in reading the eyes but most times i don't use it because i have reach a point that i am too tired to even force myself to care...well i do care deep deep down and when i will be alone i will cry or think about it.

A day ago i hurt my left shoulder and i couldn't write, i told my algebra teacher and he understood but my friend Elsa asked twice in a twenty minutes why i don't write.

I have understood how much Elsa cares for me....she doesn't. But that event was the last confirmation.

The fun part about it is that i can use it as a sarcasm machenism against them and they won't even realize it.

*Friend talks about their life*

"So what should i do?" The friend asks.

I look at him/her and let a humorless laugh and a sigh and say;

"Why should i give you an advice is not like you are going to hear me talking you would be too busy watching photos of your boyfriends/girlfriends or talk with other people who are in the room with us while i talk. While i help you." I would say with a smile and she/he would laugh like i said a joke.

Dumb people!

I wonder how those people going contribute to our sociaty in the future if they don't understand when someone is offended?

Am i too smart for them or are they too dumb? I keep asking myself.

And at the end of the day i just erase the whole day off my mind.

Am i heartless? Am i the bitch in this case? Am i the victim? Am i an attention seeker? Maybe.

Do i care too much? YES!

Should i stop? YES IF YOU WANT TO BE SANE TILL YOU REACH YOUR ADULT LIFE.

Will I ever find a person or group of people who genuinely care about me? No! So you better starting being your own caretaker because you are alone.

And always will be.

I needed to rant about what is going in my life lately. Sorry if i have spelling mistakes.