❝'Cause I was filled with poison 
but blessed with beauty and rage❞

❦

I have a secret.

Well, I have many secrets, but I want to only talk about this one this time.

No one knows about it and no one can know about it, especially not Harper.

I'm working at a strip club.

I'm not a dancer, I only serve drinks there. I'm always dressed, even though if you go topless, it brings you better tips.

I work nights, sneaking out so no one can see me and come back before Harper wakes up. I'm not ashamed of my job, but if Harper found out, she'd have a heart attack.

But she doesn't understand. I'd do anything to get the hell out of this town. This is why I need to save. And I need a good job for this. I'm finishing high school this year and I'm going to college. Hopefully far away from here. And I need money for that.

Also, I really like the people there. I know other people see this as something wrong. I don't. I met girls there who are stripping on the stage to get money for college. They're all very bright and smart, they just have to get money to get a degree. There are single mothers who are doing this for their kids.

But people are so goddamn quick to put a label on them if they know where they're working.

People who come there aren't that bad, either. It's a high-budget strip-club. Not anyone can get into it. You have to have some privileges, you have to fit into some categories and, most importantly, you have to be rich.

This is why I'm not worried that someone may recognise me there. And I'm telling you, working in the environment when people don't know people is so refreshing. You don't have to tell anyone shit. You can lie about who you are if you want to. Most of us do, of course. Because we don't want to be recognised outside of the club. We can be anyone we want to in there. No one will ever know if you're telling the truth or not.

I've been keeping this secret for three years now. I was a minor when I got a job there, which is illegal, but did anyone know that? No. Because I could lie. And so did my employer.

I work at nights, sleep to 3-4 hours and then go to school. I take naps sometimes in the afternoon to fulfil my basic need for sleeping so I survive.

That's the secret I'm hiding from everyone. I'm a person full of secrets. I'm a complicated person if I put it simply. I realise I don't do the things people my age do, but then again, I'm not people my age. I'm different from them in so many ways and I wouldn't even know how to fit in if I tried. So I don't. I'm my own person – have been my whole life and I won't say I'm proud of who I am, but at least I know who I am and I know I'm not trying to be someone else.

This is why I like working here. We're all the same here. No one is better than someone else. You don't hold any kind of power on someone else, no matter the age, religion or gender. No one cares who you are.

I did meet some good women here, although I'm not the one to chit-chat and we're not really people who love to share stories about our lives – well, most of us. I use the breaks to go outside, sit, light a cigarette and just be by myself, staring at nothing but darkness.

Being alone is something I learned to enjoy at a very young age. I love the simplicity of it. I love silence. The calmness that it brings. I prefer this than having to pretend to be nice to people or be careful what you say around them so they don't take it the wrong way or you don't end up being the weird one in their mind. That's exhausting. I don't get why people create what's right and what's wrong in their minds and you have to reach then they judge you whether you reach the certain standards in their minds or not.

I always wondered how exhausting it must be to constantly judge people based on what they think it's socially and morally acceptable or not. These must be such sad people. They don't know how to be themselves. They're afraid to be themselves so they show their anger at those who have the balls to express themselves by pointing fingers and saying that's not okay.

If you constantly live your life in fear of what other people think, you're not living your life for yourself. You're living it for them. You live to please the world and people around you, but you never please yourself. And I never wanted to be that person. I don't like to be around people like that, either.

When my break is over, I put the cigarette out and throw it into the trash. I make sure I make my face look pleasant and nice before going back inside. I have to wear this mask to get money. Because I need this money. I'm willing to pretend to be someone and something I'm not for it if I have to.

Harper doesn't suspect a thing.

I'm glad she's hard to wake up, although I make sure I'm as quiet as I can be. I didn't always have the chance to stay at her place so I don't want to mess it up or make it seem like I'm taking this for granted. I hate staying at my house. I rarely do. Harper understands it and she's trying to help me out as much as she can.

Harper doesn't know my whole story. She only knows the parts of it because even though she's the person I trust the most in the world, I still don't trust her enough to not tell anyone. She could tell her parents – my aunt and my uncle and then things wouldn't be pretty. People are unpredictable and I'm a person who doesn't trust easily, even those the closest to me. I have my guard up so high that probably no one can climb it.

A part of me feels guilty sometimes that I keep this from Harper, but I know she wouldn't understand. She'd try to make me quit the job and I can't do that. I don't like keeping things from her (well, some are acceptable to keep from her), but it's for the best. I know what I'm doing so I don't want to worry her even more since she worries about every little thing all the time.

I come to the bar in the evening as usual. I have a history book with me today. Not the one that's required in school. I've always liked history, it has always interested me. Especially the people, all the leaders and their motives.

Harper chats with me when she has time, asking me how was in school – like she always does. She asks me how I am a lot of times during the day and I know that she's afraid that I'm actually depressed or just deeply sad and thinking about harming myself. I know that because she admitted to me once when she got drunk, which never happens.

I'm not depressed. I'm not even sad. Truthfully, I don't know what I am. I just am. It's so hard to explain, but I always try to reassure her that I'm good and I'm fine and everything is okay and that I'll tell her if I ever have any kind of problems. She's a sweetheart, really. But that's the problem. She's just too sweet. And it's not me who she should be worried about, it's herself. That's part of the reason I come to the bar so often – Harper is too soft to deal with jackasses the way they should be dealt with.

And that's when I step in.

And speaking about jackasses ... "Hey, could you please move just a little bit, you're blocking the light," I say to the man that's leaning over the bar counter right next to me and preventing the light to illuminate my book so I can continue reading.

The man looks at me and then at my book, a distaste appearing on his face. Oh, here we go. "How about you go find yourself a library then, nerd." He turns his attention back to Harper, waiting for her to notice him while he doesn't even move an inch. "Can a man get a fucking beer in here or what."

Now, I usually don't care if people call me a nerd. I call myself a nerd because, heck yeah, I love learning and I love reading. Why should I feel ashamed of that? Why do other people even feel the need to shame others for that?

"Maybe she should get you a book about manners instead of a beer. It seems like you've already had enough of the latter, but you're lacking former."

Now I get his attention. He turns his whole body towards me. He reeks of alcohol. "The fuck did you just say?"

"You heard me, old man."

Harper loudly places the beer bottle on the bar counter, giving me a stare. "Behave," she mouths. I just roll my eyes at her. The man leaves right after he gets his beer and I eye him as he walks away. He looks at me a few times, too, wearing a dark expression. Such a sad soul you are.

I go back to reading my book, but a few pages after, I'm yet again disturbed. Well, not me directly, but Harper. But by someone I now recognise just by hearing his voice. Sadly. Fai the jackass appeared again. I see this is already going to be a good night.

He's standing on my right, his tall frame preventing me to see his face. He's dressed in all black again, which is not that surprising.

Harper is in front of him immediately, probably in fear that I'm going to try to engage in a conversation with him. Rest easy, dear, I don't want to talk to him.

I try to go back to reading, but the question he asks Harper makes me sharply turn my head to him. "Are you single?"

"Are you fucking serious?" I burst out, turning my whole body towards him. Is he dumb? Is he desperate? Or he's just wanting to play some stupid perversive games. "I told you to find someone else who'll sleep with you and she won't do it, either. Just walk away, dude, before I start feeling sorry for you."

Fai leans his elbow on the counter, facing me. "Kadie, sweetheart, there's no reason to be jealous." I scowl, making a face that must be full of disgust. He turns back to Harper. "Actually, my friend was wondering. He just thinks you're hot."

I stare at him for exactly three seconds before I burst out laughing. "In that case, you can tell him that she's not dating cowards."

Fai arches his eyebrow. "A coward? He's far from that. You know, it's really not nice to judge a person you don't even know."

"He doesn't even have the balls to come here and ask her for his number himself. That's cowardly. Make sure you deliver your message with the drinks." I smile.

I see Harper is trying to give me a stare and grab my attention, but I'm just enjoying myself.

"Maybe he was just scared of the rottweiler guarding her, a.k.a you." He chuckles.

"Let me spell it out for you since you clearly didn't understand it the first time: c-o-w-a-r-d."

"Fuck, can you just chill? He's not trying to date her, it's just a question. For fuck's sake, you're so difficult." He rakes his hand through his hair.

I'm not even affected by his words. They make me laugh, actually. "You already received the answer to your stupid question. Don't get mad now because it wasn't something you wanted." I pout a little, mocking him.

Harper slaps her hand down on the bar counter, but neither of us gives her the attention she's calling for. "Princess, I heard no answer coming from the person I asked that question. Now hide your claws because she can speak for herself."

"Seriously, can you just fuck off already and leave us alone? I get that you're trying to be cool and edgy with that macho show you're putting on, but it makes me cringe so badly, you have no idea. Just stay the fuck away from both of us."

Fai has the decency to chuckle that, completely disregarding my comment that wasn't funny at all. I meant every word I said. I just want him to stay the hell away from me and Harper and just mind his own damn business. I'm leaving him alone, as he wished, yet he's now being the one who's coming back here.

"Maybe I'll send my friend over here instead so you can bite some of his nerves off, too. I don't have many left anymore."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, you're lacking some brain cells as well, check that too when you're at it."

Fai chuckles, shaking his head. "Man," he mutters to himself and just walks off, still smiling. I stare after him, killing him with just my stare. Harper interrupts me by slamming her hands down on the counter once again. "Kadience Rose Myers! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"What?" I ask. "It's not my fault he manages to get on my very last nerve, okay? He's annoying."

"That doesn't mean you have to deal with him! Please, just – leave him alone, yeah? Just – leave him alone!" Harper is so frustrated she's turning red.

My face scrunches up. "So, what, did you want to give him your number or what's the deal now?"

"No!" Harper exclaims. "But I didn't want you to go into a full debate, either! Just don't do that. I told you people are talking about him and I don't want them to associate you with him, Kadie. Please. Talk to anyone else, just not him."

I shrug. "Yeah, alright. Whatever," I mutter, not having any energy to deal with people anymore tonight.

I feel Harper staring at me, but I just ignore her and go back to reading the book. I get that she's worried, but maybe she's overreacting. I haven't heard about him from anyone and even if I did, what is he going to do? He can bark all he wants if he doesn't know how to bite.

He's just trying to come off as intimidating and all macho, but he's really not fooling me and I'm not letting him get under Harper's skin. I don't care if he tries to play games with me, but Harper is a big no and I'm not letting him do that.

I have to reread the page I just read because I lost my focus and because I'm still fuming. And the night is still young, so who knows what else is going to happen. 

*

I don't know why Sundays seem to be the most productive days for me. 

Anyways, I was wondering if there is someone you imagine Kadie and Fai as someone? I'm not putting anyone in the cast because I want you to picture whoever you want, but I'm just wondering.

Don't forget to vote and comment! 

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