❝ The more I stray the less I fear

And the more I reach the more I fade away❞

❦

When everyone finally leaves, it's just us again. I don't mind company, but I'm happy I get to spend some time alone with just Fai before I have to go to work. I'm so not in the mood to go there today, but I know I have to do what I have to do. It's for my future.

"I'm going with you tonight," Fai says when I come to the bedroom from the kitchen after washing the dishes.

"Oh?" I ask casually. Internally, I'm thankful it's him and not one of his friends.

"Yeah," he replies, putting his phone away and sitting on the bed. "What do you want to do until then? Because I have a few ideas," he says suggestively.

I grin. "Do you? Let's hear them."

His palm connects with my thigh and he looks at it in thought, starting to trace patterns with his finger. "I want to make you come."

I give him a funny look. "You can't do that."

He gives me a challenging look back. "Can't I?" he asks lazily, still drawing patterns on my thigh, going higher now. He shifts closer to me, climbing on top of me, plastering his lips on mine.

I kiss him back with a surprised groan, burying my hands in his hair. His hand goes under my shirt, pausing my stomach before going upwards to cup my breast in his hand. He squeezes it, hard, twisting the hardened nipple. My hips buck upwards and I let out a sigh.

"You're going to just tease me. Bringing me towards the edge and leaving me there."

Fai kisses down my jaw. "No," he states.

I want to believe him. So badly, but I just know how it's going to end. "Don't torture me," I beg him, tilting my head back to give him for space when he starts trailing kisses down my neck.

He ignores me, sucking on the skin on my neck. He pushes my shirt up and I help him take it off and then he pushes my bra down, just enough to attack my nipples with my mouth. I let out a loud moan of pleasure, my eyes closing. My breathing is getting heavier now. He softly grazes my nipple with his teeth and then twirls his tongue around it.

I become a writhing mess under him and it's already getting too much to take. I let him continue, though, because I'm curious to see what he has in mind, even though it's going to be painful for me in the end when I'll be unsatisfied. Again.

He takes his shirt off, but leaves his pants on and busies himself with putting my pants down my legs until I'm only in my underwear and he pushes that aside, too.

When he goes lower on my body, I tense up. "What are you doing?" I ask him. No one has ever gone down on me. And I literally mean no one.

"Making you feel good," Fai replies, placing a kiss on my inner thigh, awfully close to my center.

My legs are all tensed up as are my stomach muscles because I'm holding in a breath, suddenly all nervous.

He puts his mouth on me – finally, and I have to grip the sheets, my eyes rolling back in my head. "Oh, God," I groan out because sweet Jesus!

I can feel his piercing move against me when he sucks and licks and circles and it's sending shocks of pleasure down my body. I'm starting to sweat and I'm panting like I'm running a marathon, only this is more pleasurable.

When he pushes first one, then two fingers inside, I place my arm over my eyes, just chanting, "Please, please, please ..." Although I'm not really sure what I'm begging for.

I can't fully relax. Even though I want to because Fai's doing wonderful things to me that are making me a screaming mess, but my legs are still tense and when I have my eyes closed, I still see him. And I want to throw up.

"Look at me, Kadie. Fucking look at me and don't you dare to look away," Fai growls suddenly, his hands tensing on my outer thighs, gripping me more firmly.

He noticed he was losing me.

I drop my arm and look at him, biting down on my lip. "I can't do it," I say brokenly. "Please stop." I'm almost sobbing now.

I see the frustration on Fai's face, but there's also a hint of determination. He sits up and starts unbuckling his pants, pulling them off. I almost whimper from the loss of him, but I'm also relieved, even though this is pure torture to me. Wanting to come so badly, but not being able to ... it's hell.

He lays down on the bed next to me, saying, "Get on top."

When I want to sit on him, he stops me. "Turn around. Suck me."

"Can I at least get a please?" I mumble under my breath, sitting on top of him as he requested.

"You're also not going to talk back," he says, slapping my ass before he puts his hands on my hips and drags me back, putting his mouth back on me.

"Jesus," I say with a sigh, my head dropping.

Fai lifts his hips up, a silent request to wrap my lips around him. I grip him in my hand, putting my lips against the head and tease him at first, but then he pushes his tongue inside me and I let out a long moan that he silences by pushing his hips up and his cock in my mouth.

I let my hair fall down like a curtain when I start moving up and down because I forgot to put it in a ponytail before.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Fai murmurs, pushing his hips up to meet my movements.

I just moan in response. He occupies my head with him. Because he's everywhere. On me, against me, in me ... My thoughts have no space to think about anything or anyone else and I only get to focus on the pleasure he's giving me and the pleasure I'm giving him back.

No one has ever done this to me before, but I feel the pressure inside of me building and it almost makes me start crying in frustration.

I suck him harder. He licks me faster. His fingers are inside me, and his mouth and tongue are playing with my clit.

I'm digging my nails into his thighs when he suddenly pulls his fingers out and presses them against my butt. I tense up again, but he keeps licking me and pressing his finger slowly, slowly inside the tight hole where no one has ever been before.

"Fai," I warn, but he sucks on my clit and I let out a moan right afterwards.

My chest is heaving and I'm panting and it feels so good.

And then, all of a sudden, he slips his finger fully inside me and I feel it. I feel how my inner muscles clench and I feel something so strong and powerful I've never felt before in my life.

I'm gasping for air, crying out his name in pure pleasure. I'm coming and coming and it's so good, I feel tears run down my cheeks.

Fai is caressing my backside, keeping his mouth on me. I'm almost sobbing now, placing my forehead against his thigh to calm myself down. "Oh, my God," I whisper when I'm starting to regain my focus. "Oh, my God," I say again. My body is still shaking.

Fai pulls his finger out of me and slips from underneath me, then grabs me and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me to calm me down because I'm still too shaken up to speak.

"I told you I'm going to do it. And now you're mine. Completely."

He didn't come yet. He doesn't ask me to finish him off, either. Not this time. He lets me have my moment.

I'm walking to my next class after my lunch break the next day when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I take it out with a groan, seeing it's a number I don't have saved in my phone. I consider not even answering it, but I never know who's calling me and for what reason.

"Yes?" I answer. Not cautiously and not reservedly as some people do when answering unknown numbers, just a normal who the hell are you and what do you want yes.

"Kadie. Kadie, is it you?"

My spine stiffens and I stop in the hallway. Someone runs into me from the back and I hear them shout, "Can you fucking move?!"

I'm too shocked to even show them my middle finger.

"Who's this?"

"Kadie. Oh, it's your mom."

I taste bitterness in my mouth when I hear her say that. "Sorry, wrong number," I say, hanging up. I go to the bathroom to take a few deep breaths, but it's not empty. I don't care.

My phone starts vibrating again and I consider just turning it off. "What?" I bark into the receiver. "What do you want?" I get a few curious looks and I even hear a snicker.

"Kadie, please, I need your help." My mom's voice is tired and she's begging. Is she crying?

I scrunch my nose up, turning to the wall so the other girls can't see my face. "I don't have time."

"Please, it's important. I – Stephen left. He – he's not coming back and it's really bad. I just need a little bit of money. I can't pay all these bills by myself."

I close my eyes, feeling vulnerable and weak. And guilty. Although I have nothing to be guilty about. "Go get a fucking job then. Don't call me again because I'm not going to help you."

I end the call before I'd break down and help her. I turn it off, too, so she doesn't call again. And then I just stand there, facing the wall, all the voices around me disappearing.

I shouldn't feel obligated to help her. She didn't give me anything. Everything I have in my life is because of me because no one ever gave me shit. I'm not going to help her just like she didn't help me when I was a kid and I went to her for help and she called me a liar. And just like she didn't help me when she got another man that was abusing me and she just turned blind because it was suiting her. She didn't care about me as long as she was okay and living well. Meaning she had the money for alcohol and probably drugs.

She's not my mother. She gave me birth, but that's all she ever gave me. Besides pain and mystery, that is.

And I'm especially not giving her money because that money is for my future and no one is touching it. I have to work at a strip club to afford to be alive for fuck's sake.

I pull my shoulders back and lift my head up.

I am not going to be her daughter when it's convenient for her just because she couldn't be a mother when I truly needed it before.

Tit for tat, mom. Tit for fucking tat.

When Fai comes and picks me up after school, he immediately notices something is off about me. I don't know how, but it only takes him a few seconds and one good look at me to see that something happened. I used to believe I'm very good at hiding my emotions, but it appears that I'm not.

"Something happened?" he asks me, sitting on his motorcycle, looking all cool and hot.

"Life happened," I answer vaguely. "Can we stop at the library? I need a few books."

"Sure," he says, his eyes still roaming all over my face.

I don't want to talk about my mother right now and I don't even want to think about her, so I sit behind him so he can't see my face anymore and read too much into it because he was making me feel nervous. And I never get nervous.

We drive through the streets towards the city's library. It's the largest and I love going there because I always find what I'm looking for because the library at our school just sucks. I'm plastered against his back, enjoying the ride there.

Fai waits outside for me, lighting up a cigarette. I promise him I'll be quick because I know what I'm looking for.

But then things get a little complicated when they can't find a book that I'm looking for and it says it should be in the library. And when they finally find it, there's a big line.

Fai has called me twice already and I had to shoot him a quick text that it'll take a little longer but it's not my fault. I'm already having a shitty day, so this just adds to my platter, and I come back out in an even worse mood than I was in before.

Fai is visibly frustrated and irritated because he had to wait so long. "Let's just go," I tell him, placing the books in my bag and sitting on the motorcycle again. I think he hears the tone of my voice that tells him I'm not in the brightest mood, too, so he wordlessly takes us to his place.

I go straight for his bedroom, getting on his bed with one of the books I brought home with me.

Fai appears at the door literally minutes later, his arms crossed over his chest. "What's the deal with you today? Did something happen?"

I flick my eyes to his. "No," I say, dropping my eyes back to the book.

"Really? What is it then?"

"Why does it have to be something?" I mumble, not even looking at him.

"Because it's you. And if you don't tell me one of your witty or sarcastic remarks the moment you see me or at least after spending an hour with me, then something is clearly wrong."

I close my book with a loud snap, glaring at him. "Alright. Do you want something witty and sarcastic from me? You have a small cock. There you go."

He makes a weird face. "That's not sarcastic, that's a straight up lie and you can do better than that."

He's taunting me and I'm punishing him when this is none of his fault. I fall back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, the book resting on my stomach. I'll have to get used to the idea that he's just someone who cares about me, besides Harper. That I have someone else besides her who I can talk to and trust now because he's already saved my ass so many times by now.

"My mom called today," I say.

He knows my story and he knows why that's not a usual thing for her to do. "What did she want?"

"Money," I say casually. "Her husband left and she has no one to finance her alcohol and drug addiction anymore."

"I hope you told her to go straight to hell," Fai says with venom and anger.

A smile rises on my face. "Not like that, but maybe I should."

"And what? Are you going to help her?" Fai asks after a few beats of silence between us, his voice merely curious.

I sit up on the bed so I can look at him now. "She's not getting a penny from me. She brought me to this world to ruin my life. I'm not going to save her ass and do good by her. But that doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel a little shitty, you know? And how fucking sad is that?"

Fai carefully sits on the edge of the bed. "Not as sad as you think it is. You're just a good person, despite having to deal with bad people all your life and that's not sad; it's brave. But like you said, just because she gave birth to you, it does not mean you're obligated to do anything. She wasn't there when you needed her. Let her deal with her own problems like she left you – as a child – to live with your own, looking the other way."

I crawl over to him, pushing his hands away from his lap and laying my head on his thighs, needing to be close to him because my soul is too heavy with emotions right now and I can't carry them on my own. And it's different now, laying down in bed. It's different because my demons used to lie down with me, filling all the space, but now I'm so full of him that the demons have no space to live inside me anymore. 

*

Wattpad didn't want me to update today, apparently, because it kept fucking things up for me and I now need to go meditate to calm down