❝ Feeling all the highs,

feeling all the pain❞

❦

I have enough fingers on my one hand to count how many times in life I've been scared to death. Definitely that time my father came to my room for the first time. And then, one time, when I thought my mother stopped breathing. That was a time I still loved her. And then when my stepfather hit me.

That's it. Ever since then, I've been looking fear dead in the eyes and showing it my middle finger. Sometimes, we were even friends. Sometimes, we liked to make out.

But not right now.

I immediately started freaking out as soon as Fai delivers that punch. "How do you know that she's missing?"

"Jon's keeping an eye on here and she's nowhere to be found."

Fai is already standing up, getting ready to go out. I stand up with him. "She's supposed to be at classes. Are you sure she's not there?"

Fai gives me a pointed look. "Yeah, Kadie. He's sure she's not there. She never made it there, in fact."

I feel chills run down my body in shock when he says that. "How's that even possible? You said he's keeping an eye on her!" That shouldn't have happened. She shouldn't be involved in any of this.

"Yeah, but you stayed with her at night and he'd thought you two would be alright."

I put my hands in my hair, gripping it hard. "I had to go to school. Her classes started later than mine."

"This is not your fault," Fai says calmly.

I take my phone and dial her number. Her phone is turned off, which makes it all too real because she never does that. She's too paranoid for that and she always tries to keep safe.

When he grabs his gun, making sure it's loaded before he tucks it in the waist of his paints, I really start losing it. "So, do you think they just took her like they took me? Did they watch her? Wait for her to be alone? Oh, my God. What if they already did something to her?"

Fai is in front of me in seconds, clasping his hand around my wrists to keep my hands from flailing out like crazy, coming into my personal space. "I'm sure she's fine and they just want to scare us, but we can't know until we find her. I'm always prepared for the worst scenario and so should be you. That comes with my life."

I try to punch him in the chest, but it doesn't work. "That's your way of trying to calm me down?!" I yell. "We have to go and find her!"

Fai shakes his head. "No, that's me telling you how it is. I'll inform you as soon as we find anything new." He puts a jacket on, grabbing his keys and a helmet.

"What? No. I'm going with you," I say, grabbing my jacket hastily.

Fai just shakes his head and walks towards the door. "You're staying here."

"No way. There's no way. It's Harper."

I think he heard the panic and desperation in my voice because he swiftly turns around to face me. "Yes, and you're you. We'll make sure she's okay and I have to make sure you're okay. You're staying here."

He doesn't raise his voice at me, although he says the words fiercely to prove a point. "No, Fai. I don't care about me, I'm going with you. You're not going to stop me."

"Watch me," he says, dangling the keys of his apartment in front of my eyes.

I'm really desperate here and it's obvious. I mean, it's Harper. I want to go with them and help them. It's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I'd only feel too helpless if I stayed here and waited. "Please," I beg him. And I never beg.

Fai keeps walking. He's not going to budge on this. I go after him, grabbing the sleeve of his jacket to stop him. "Just ... She doesn't know. About any of the stuff you guys do."

Fai looks at me and just gives me one court nod. I think he already knew that, but I just wanted to remind him that Harper is not like me. Far from it.

When he closes the door and I hear him turning the key, the frustration only grows. "I could just jump out of the window."

"I don't advise you to do that. You won't do us any good if you're dead."

I put my forehead against the door. "Fai?"

"Yeah?" His voice is already distant. He's walking away. "Be safe."

"Yeah," he calls back.

"And, please ... find her."

The answer comes, although hesitantly this time. "Yeah." And then he's gone.

The pacing starts then because I don't know what to do with myself. I'm gripping my hair, biting my nails, chewing on my lip ... Overall, just going insane with worry.

I'm scared because I knew this would happen, yet I still allowed her to get involved with Jon. And look at the mess now. He turned out to be an asshole and now she's also in danger. But I also stayed at her place tonight and I have a target on my back, so they could easily kidnap her just to get to all of us.

I wish there's some other explanation because I can't even begin to think that she's facing the same fate as I did. She's not cut for this. She can't go through what I did because I know she's not going to fight back.

I sit down, placing my chin on my hands. And then stand up because I can't sit still. I check the phone. I look out of the window.

It's only been 15 minutes since Fai left and I know this could take hours, even days. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I know that if I just sit and wait, I'm going to go crazy with worry. I start walking around Fai's apartment and start cleaning up, although there's not much to clean. The guy lives a pretty clean life (at least when it comes to tidiness), which is admirable.

I still scrub the bathroom clean. Wash the dishes in the kitchen. Change the bed sheets in the bedroom. I even go so far that I start organizing things, just going through his stuff. Is he going to be mad about that? Absolutely. But he'll get over it, especially if I give him a blowjob. He always falls for that.

I occupy my mind with Fai instead of Harper and her disappearance because it would drive me crazy otherwise that I can't do anything to help finding her. So, yeah. Fai. I've been avoiding these thoughts about him at all cost because I'm scared to dive too deep with him, although I'm sure it's already too late for that.

He and I started our thing with a plan to make things simple and easy. We both know we have a timestamp when this is all going to be over and we'll go our own paths. I'm not delusional. A guy like him won't wait for me to finish college and do long-distance. And I don't want that, either. At least I didn't from the beginning, but now I'm starting to realise it's going to be really hard to say goodbye to him. He's already way too deep under my skin to just get him out as easily as I thought I would.

When my phone rings, it almost slips from my hands because of how fast I try to answer the call. "Yes?" I ask eagerly.

"We got her," Fai says.

I sit down on the couch putting my head on my hands, closing my eyes as the relief washes over me. "Thank you," I say, my voice hoarse with gratitude.

I know Fai catches it because there's a long pause. "See you soon," he says.

I grip the phone in my hands, sagged like an empty bag on the couch. I let out a long breath that I've been holding probably since Fai left, feeling my body relax finally. A small smile appears on my lips because I'm happy it turned out okay and I'm happy she's okay. At least I hope that she is.

I wait for all of them, curled up on the couch just staring out the window. I have to go to work in a few hours and just the thought of that makes me want to groan out loud.

When I hear the key turn in the door, I immediately jump on my feet. Fai is the first one to walk in, followed by the boys. Harper comes in last with Jon's arm around her shoulders. She's huddled against his chest, physically looking okay.

I immediately attack her with a bear hug, making her stumble back a little and causing Jon's arm to fall down. "Oh, Christ," Harper says and chuckles. "I'm alright. Nothing happened to me."

I lean backwards, looking her over, trying to see if she's hurt. "What happened?"

"False alarm," Fai says. I hear he's irritated. "She was just out, roaming the streets, deliberately turning her phone off because someone," he glances at Jon, "wouldn't stop bugging her."

"Fuck off, man," Jon mutters.

I give Harper a stern, disbelieving look and she turns embarrassed. She looks remorseful as if she did something bad. Which she did. "Harp." I level her with a stare. "What the fuck?"

"I just needed some break and to clear my head. I didn't know I wasn't allowed to do that," she mutters like a small child.

I give her a serious look. "But you realize how serious this is, Harp? You can't just wander the streets alone anymore."

She looks down at her feet. "I know, I ... Kind of forgot about it a little," she murmurs. What she means is that she's not used to this. She's used to a simple life, no limitations, other than the ones she created for herself.

"It's alright, Harper. Just, please. Be careful. This is serious."

She lifts her eyes, looking at me from under her lashes. "Is it always going to be like this? Will we always have to look over our shoulders?" Harper whispers, not wanting to be heard by the others.

I give her a tight smile. I don't know the answer to that myself. "Hopefully not," I say. It's not okay for me to see her hurting like this when it's partly my fault I brought us in this mess. "Let's just be careful and trust these guys for now."

A small smile stretches her lips. "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but Fai looked so hot when he went all badass."

I let out a laugh and peek in Fai's direction. "I know, right? Hot, but annoying," I say it with a grin. But then I get serious when I notice her staring at Jon. "And you and Jon?"

"We're going to figure things out." Harper nods confidently. I kind of knew that because there's no way for two people looking at each other like that and not figure things out. "But slowly and at my pace."

I grin at her. "Make him work for it." I wink at her.

Fai walks to the kitchen and I follow him with my eyes. "I'll be right back," I tell Harper.

She nods and watches me go after him with a grin on her face before she turns and walks towards Jon who immediately, as if it's a completely subconscious move, wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to his side, and kissing her temple.

I look away from them, walking to the kitchen. I sit on the counter right next to where Fai is and he lifts his head, looking at me. "What's up?" he asks casually, pouring some drinks.

"Come here," I say.

"I am here."

I part my legs. "Here," I say, patting the counter between my legs.

Fai's eyebrow lifts. "We can't have sex with people around."

I just shake my head. He sees I'm actually serious and he must see the look on my face because he puts the bottle on the counter and steps between my legs. "What?" he asks, his eyebrows pulling together.

I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling his head a little lower. I place my lips on his jaw, kissing him tenderly. "Thank you," I whisper.

I feel him shudder a little. He doesn't ask what I'm thanking him for. He knows.

In this moment, in my state of vulnerability, I want to say so much more. I want to say so many things to him. I love you. You're only the second person in my life that I've ever loved. Thank you. Thank you for choosing to be gentle with me when everyone else only ever chose to be rough and harsh. Thank you for showing me the world can be kind and gentle when I used to wander around, all lost and tired, thinking this world is nothing but ugly. Thank you for coming into my life at the exact right moment. Thank you for saving me from myself. Thank you for painting my world in colors after it's been black and white for so long.

I don't say any of those words. I can't. Because our thing has an end date and we're getting closer to it every day. I know I shouldn't start anything with him. Deep down, I knew it was going to be my ruin. That he was going to be the one person I'll willingly give my heart to, even though it's full of scars from everyone that hurt it before.

I tighten my arms around him and hold him just a little closer, just a little longer, hoping he can feel what I can't say. 

*

I'm going to make myself cry so hard with this book ... you guys literally have NO idea. No idea at all what's coming.