❝ If I knew it all then would I do it again?

Would I do it again? ❞

❦

I go to school with the bus the next morning. It almost feels weird doing it because I got used to Fai taking me every day. But now he's not speaking to me, apparently, so fuck him.

The air feels chilly today, not usual spring weather. The sky is grey, showing signs it's going to most likely rain today. It seems like today's weather decided to match my mood.

The bus is late, which means I'm late. I don't know what expression I'm wearing today, but everyone leaves me the fuck alone – even the teacher.

I pull the earbuds out of my ears as I sit down and stare out the window, not even bothering to take notes. I know this stuff already and I know that most of it is useless because I'll never need it in the real world.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I smile to myself because I already know who the text is from.

You in school? Fai decided to break the silence and get his head out of his ass.

I consider not responding to him, but I also can't help but be a little petty about it.

Yeah. Can say hi to your good friend Mands if you want.

I deliberately use the nickname he used for her once. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about them. No, she makes me want to throw up and I still hope that one day she'll get what she deserves for every bad thing she's ever done to others. She's just a bully with a rich daddy, nothing else. If anything, I feel sorry for her because, deep down, she's just a sad little girl that wants attention.

She can fool others, but she won't fool me.

Fai reads the message, but he doesn't respond. I throw the phone on the trouble in anger and it creates a loud thud. The teacher stops talking and turns towards me. "Mademoiselle Myers, arrêtez d'interrompre la classe."

I make the most innocent expression I can muster. "Je suis désolé. Cela ne se reproduira plus." Basically me pointing a middle finger at mademoiselle Green's face because she hates my guts and I hate French, even though I can speak it well enough for her to shut the hell up every time she decides to speak because I kill her with kindness. In French. Every time.

Mandy throws a bitchy smile over her shoulder, clearly thinking she knows more than she does. I cross my legs under my table, staring at her, basically telling her to mind her own fucking business for once.

God, I'll throttle this bitch one day, I swear. Just not today. I don't feel like dealing with her stupid, self-centred ass today.

When the classes are over, I almost miss Fai waiting for me outside the school because I wasn't expecting him. I don't know what made me slow down and look to my left. Probably a reflexive thing. And there he was, leaning against his motorcycle with shades on, his arms crossed, looking all badass. He's also wearing a scowl like jewellery.

"You here for Mands? I saw her in the hallway, she'll be out soon." I'm being bitchy to him on purpose because he pissed me off with him ignoring my texts.

This is why I avoided getting involved with someone. I absolutely hate being needy and dependent on someone and Fai's making me all those things.

His scowl deepens. "Don't be ridiculous, Kadie. Hop on," he says as if everything's back to normal again.

"Oh! So now you're actually speaking to me. Good to know," I snicker, detangling the earbuds in my hands.

Fai lets out a deep breath and I can just see him trying to calm down. "What exactly is your problem again, Kadience?"

"My problem? My problem? You threw a whole goddamn fit yesterday because I spent the night with my cousin and refused to talk to me. And you ask me what my goddamn problem is? What is yours?" I get into his face, feeling all kinds of angry and frustrated with him. I'm making a scene in front of the entire school, but I can't bring myself to care.

"Are you really going to do this now? Here?"

I bite the inside of my lip. Hard. I stare at him and then just shake my head. "You know what? No. No, I'm not doing this. At all. Have a nice day." I angrily shove the earbuds in my ears and leave it like that, not playing any music because I'm curious what he's going to do next.

He doesn't disappoint. He rounds me, stepping in front of me, stopping me. I raise my chin up and he takes the sunglasses off so I can see his glare, yet I refuse to be intimidated by it.

"Park your ass on the motorcycle and let's finish what's bothering you at my place. Preferably in bed."

I huff. "I'm not going anywhere with you. You made your point."

"I did not make anything, bee," he growls. "Now walk to the motorcycle and get on or I'll put you on there myself. You have ten seconds to decide. The clock's ticking, babe." He gives me a devious grin. He's totally serious.

We get into a staredown match, the seconds passing by. I groan loudly, grinding my teeth together. "You're so fucking annoying, holy shit," I mutter, but I walk to the motorcycle and get on, ripping the earbuds out of my ears.

Fai is fighting his grin when he walks towards me and it makes me even angrier. He takes the helmet and puts it over my head. I refuse to help him and make it any easier for him. I'm acting childish and petty and I actually hate it, but I also absolutely hate being ignored on purpose, so I want to serve him the dish he cooked.

We go to his place and I try to ignore him as much as I can, letting him know that I'm actually really mad about the way he acted for absolutely no reason, but he refuses to let me be mad and instead just pokes me with amused looks. God, I want to punch his handsome face so much sometimes.

I don't make myself home this time. I let Fai know that I don't have any plans to stay here. "You better start explaining yourself some time today. I don't have the whole day to stand here."

Fai raises his eyebrow, dropping his keys on the table, putting the jacket off. "Explain what, exactly?"

I roll my eyes. "You acting like a child because I didn't do what you wanted."

Fai shakes his head. "You actually got it all wrong in your head. It wasn't about you spending the night at Harper's, it's about you not trusting me and refusing to open up to me."

I gape at him. Actually gape because I can't believe what he just said. "I'm sorry? I'm fucking sorry, what? I don't open up to you? I?" my voice gets louder and more hysterical. "I told you about things not even Harper knows about, Fai. And you? You didn't tell me shit. You couldn't even tell me about the shit you're in and the things you're doing when you go on your missions."

Fai slams his fist against the table. "I can't talk to you about that! I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't," he stresses the word, gritting it through his teeth.

"Well, tough shit, Fai! Because I got kidnapped and almost raped the last time because you thought it's better I don't know anything about it. So, tell me, who's it better for? Because it doesn't make any sense that I'm safer if I don't know anything. I have absolutely zero ideas the danger I'm in."

He walks closer to me and he raises his hand to touch me, but I step back, not allowing it. "You can't know things because people can get to you just because of that. They'll use you for information. Don't you get it?"

I tilt my head to the side. "No. But it seems like I don't get a lot of things."

Fai sits down suddenly, pulling his hair in frustration. "Fuck," he murmurs with a tight voice, his hand trailing down to the back of his head.

"What happened to your eye?" I ask him. I reckon I asked him this once, but he didn't answer.

He sits back in the chair, his tongue playing with his lip piercing, his fingers tapping on the table. I see he considers what he's going to answer. I cross my arms over the chest and tilt my head slightly, showing him I mean business.

"I was not much of a fighter before my father died. When I learned about the business he left behind, it was a little too late to get experience. The first fight I got into – or more like a hit they did on me – was so bad I ended up in the hospital. My face felt like it was broken. My eye lost the color because of all the blows it received, but I still see normally. Any more questions?"

I sit down, too, feeling a little calmer now. "What the hell do you do? In those missions? And why? What's the point of it?"

Fai grabs a pack of cigarettes and takes one out. He offers me one, but I decline, yet I patiently wait for him to light it. "I can't go into the details with you," he says.

"Just tell me the basics then."

He rubs his forehead with the hand he's holding a cigarette with and then takes a long drag of smoke, tilting his head backwards, exhaling it out slowly. I cross my legs and while I appreciate the sight before me, I'm trying to learn things and I'm not giving it a rest until I get answers. "I haven't seen my mother and my sister or even heard from them for 9 years. My mother doesn't know if I'm alive or not. I don't know how she's doing either. She knew things, not much, but enough that she understood she married a monster and that her son has to finish what the bastard started. You see where I'm going with this? I had to say goodbye to my family when I was 15 and I haven't seen them since."

I kind of knew about this already because he told me some of this stuff, but it doesn't make my heart break any less hearing it for the second time. We're both so fucked up in our own ways, both so broken in different parts ... I think that's our thing. We understand how it is.

We understand how it is to wander around this world all alone. We understand each other's pain and that brings us closer.

"So, yeah, Kadie. Trust me, the less you know, the better. I know what I'm doing because I've been in this shit for years while you've been only in it for weeks. It can get pretty ugly if it blows up."

"At least tell me some things ... Just to fill me in. Like, what do you do when you go out on those missions? What are you involved in exactly?"

Fai looks down at the table and stares at it for a hot minute. "The deals I do ... it's mostly drugs and collecting money – or more like paying visits to those who did not pay and won't pay and just ... do what I have to do."

"You kill them," I say, feeling the chills run down my body.

"Yeah," Fai says. "I do. I kill all of them, no matter who they are. I kill them, even though they have their own lives and families because if I don't kill them, they kill me and everyone else. It's a whole goddamn pyramid system." He finally lifts his eyes to look at me. "Can you take that? Can you be with a murderer?"

I shake my head, wrapping my head around it. I knew it. I mean, I assumed most of it, but I didn't want to assume too much unless I heard it from him directly. "I told you I don't have a problem with that."

Fai chuckles darkly. "You don't have a problem with someone killing people?"

"I don't have any problems with people killing bad people."

Fai raises his eyebrow lazily, taking a long inhale from the cigarette. "But doesn't that make them a bad person?"

I chuckle. "Honestly, Fai, everyone has different definitions of wanting to have a good world to live and everyone does different things to make that happen. I'm here for it. Criminals, murderers, rapists ... in my opinion, they deserve an instant death. But, sadly, we live in a world where justice won't help us with that so we have to take matters into our own hands."

"And you want to actually become a lawyer with that mindset?" Fai asks me.

I shrug, crossing arms over my body. "I want bad people locked up and I want them to suffer. I have my own ways to make that happen, you have your own."

Fai leans forward, a small smirk on his face. "You know you could easily throw my ass in jail for all the things I've done and will do, yeah?"

A mischievous smile forms on my face. "Yeah, darling. I know that and I'm glad you do, too, so you better not get on my shit list." I wink.

He runs his tongue over his upper lip, smiling a little. His phone goes off then and he takes it out of his pocket with no hurry at all, sighing. He turns the screen around to show me the caller. "Wanna take this?"

It's Jon calling and I narrow my eyes at the screen. "He's currently on my shit list, so no."

Fai chuckles, leaning back in the chair with an easy, relaxed smile, keeping his eyes on me when he answers. "Yeah?" His smile falters a little. "Hold up." He moves the phone down to his shoulder. "Have you heard from Harper today?" Fai asks me.

"No. She's supposed to have classes," I say, looking at the clock and then back at Fai's face, trying to guess what's going on.

"Fuck," Fai curses, putting the cigarette out on the table. Just one word. Just one word that makes my stomach drop. "You're sure of it?" Another pause. "Alright. See you in a few."

He hangs up and I stare at him, waiting for an explanation, already on the verge of my chair.

"Harper went missing." 

*

My French's a little rusty, so if those sentences don't make any sense, feel free to correct me

Alsooo, had to throw in a little Billie Eilish at the beginning because it's been raining for the whole day today and it's just such a mood song for me