❝ And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head  ❞

❦

Fai drives us to my home and before he can even come to a full stop, I say, "No."

He puts his feet down, but I don't do the same. "God help me, Fai, if you don't take me to that goddamn bar right at this moment." I'm angry as hell. Angry because Harper was in danger tonight. Angry that she's alone there, alone and afraid, not knowing what's going on. I'll be damned if anyone's keeping me away.

"I'll make sure Harper gets home safe," Fai says with a calm voice.

I punch him in the shoulder. "No, I'll make sure she gets home safe. She's my family, I'm looking out for her!"

Fai turns to look at me, giving me an angry glare. "And who's going to look out for you?" he asks with a bitter tone.

I don't dwell on his comment too much. "Me!" I reply. "I can take a taxi there. Or bus. But you're not keeping me away, you hear me? I'm involved in this and I'm fighting back."

Fai groans to himself, now pissed, too. "Can you just get the hell off and stop causing problems for me? The longer we're arguing here, the more things could happen to you cousin."

And don't I know that. "Drive, Fai. I have a knife I'm not afraid to use; even on you if it means getting what I want."

He lets out one last frustrated growl and afterwards, we're on our way to the bar.

It's not that far from here and when we reach it, Fai doesn't even come to a full stop and I'm already jumping down, pulling the helmet off my head and running straight towards the bar. "Kadie, wait! Goddamn it," I hear Fai behind me, but I don't stop.

He grabs my arm, stalling me and I give him an exasperated, annoyed look. "Stop playing my goddamn hero, Fai," I say, more pissed at the situation than at him.

He clenches jaw, but he doesn't bother saying anything back, yet he doesn't go of my arm either, walking one step in before me, which pisses me off, but his hold only tightens when I want him to release me and I just stop bothering because I have enough of everything today.

Stepping into the bar, we both stop. It's a mess. The workers, the police, everyone is here, inspecting the mess and cleaning it up. Or at least trying to. I look at all the faces in here, at each one of them, but I don't find Harper's.

She said she's in the back and I manage to lose Fai's grip on me, taking advantage of people not looking and slipping back where I want Harper sitting on the floor with her legs extended, her head laid against the wall, her eyes closed, with a phone in her hand.

"Harp," I say softly, crouching down beside her. Her eyes fly open. "You okay?"

She hesitates before nodding her head once. "Are you?" she asks.

"Yes. I was with Fai. What the hell happened?"

Harper shudders. "A planned attack, apparently. Guns and everything. It was messy, Kadie. I thought we were all going to die. You could smell fear in the air. But they were looking for someone. Fai, I think. Someone mentioned you but I'm not sure because I was hiding behind the bar." She shakes her head, obviously shaken up.

Well, shit. This evening is really going to shit. "Come on, let's go home."

I make Harper a hot chocolate when we get home because it's her favourite thing and she always makes it for me when she thinks I'm feeling down, although it was never really my favourite thing, but I appreciate her thoughtfulness, so I never told her that.

She's sitting on the couch, mindlessly staring out of the window. Something's on her mind, but she isn't speaking about it. She will, when she'll want to. I know that by now.

I sit down next to her, giving her the mug with the hot chocolate. She takes it, looking down at it. "Can I tell you something?" she says all of the sudden, still looking down at the cup.

I sit with my legs beneath me. "Anything," I promise her.

She looks at me, deep in the eyes then. "Today, when I felt I was for sure going to die with everyone else, I was so scared. Scared of dying and not living my life, not really. Scared that I'll die without knowing the true meaning of life. Without experiencing love. Heartbreak. All that stuff."

My chest seizes up because, holy fuck, Harper could die tonight and I'd probably lose my goddamn head if it happened. Harper's really the only person in my life that I trust and doesn't get on my last nerve. If something happened to her, I'd just die with her because she's the only one that actually kept me alive and she doesn't even know that.

"You're going to experience that and so much more, Harp," I say with reassurance, truly believing that. Of course she's going to. She's hot as fuck and twice as smart.

"When you're with Fai, what do you feel?"

Her question confuses me for a moment. I know what she wants to know. "Free. Most of all, I feel free because I am who I am with him and he just ... lets me. But what Fai and I isn't love, Harp. It's just two young people having lots of fun and living recklessly."

Harper smiles a sad smile. "What is love if not reckless? I always watched you from a distance. Always envied you a little because you're so nonchalant, not giving shit about people and anything, just doing your own thing and doing it proudly. You live, Kadie. You're out here living your life and I'm ... not."

"You are," I tell her, putting my hands on top of hers. "You just do it differently, but you are living it. You're going to be successful and you're going to marry someone who's going to be good to you and you're going to have children, a big house and a nice car, all that. That's what your living for."

Harper thinks for just a few seconds. "I don't ... think I care about all that stuff because at the end of the day, they don't mean anything. I want something real. Someone who's going to give me a real thing. Maybe a little reckless and spontaneous. Someone that will make my heart race. I don't want to settle for a shitty sex, either."

"Harper, there's going to be someone crazy about you – because how could he not? – but it doesn't have to be someone like Fai, either. It doesn't matter who he is and what he does, you'll know it when it's right."

Harper is thoughtful for some moments. "And what if it is someone like Fai?" When she sees my confused look, she shakes her head. "Never mind. I just need to rest."

When Harper gets read for bed, she asks me if I could stay with her until she falls asleep because she doesn't want to be alone right now. I go with her to her room, sitting on the bed while she lays down. We're in complete darkness, neither of us saying anything.

What if it is someone like Fai? Yes, what if it is? I always thought Harper's type are people that aren't like me and Fai, I always thought she'd want someone stable, someone she'd know what to expect from.

But we don't always choose who we fall in love with and her question makes me scared for her. Harper isn't for this. She's pure and honest and innocent. This life would ruin her.

I stare forward into the dark space when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I take it out and when I see a number I don't recognise, I just put it on silent so it stops vibrating and ignore the call. Seconds later, it starts vibrating again. I frown and silence it once again.

Then a text comes through.

It's Fai. Pick up your phone.

My frown is replaced with the incredulous look.

I don't remember giving you my number, I type.

He calls me again and I walk out of Harper's bedroom so I don't wake her up. I answer him while walking outside of the apartment. "Where did you get my number?"

I walk up the stairs to the rooftop. "That's not important," Fai says. "How's your friend?" he asks.

"Shaken up but she's going to be okay," I say with assurance.

"Good," Fai says as I step out on the rooftop. "And how are you?"

"What do you think? Pissed as fuck. She could get hurt tonight."

Fai is silent for a few seconds. "She wouldn't. My guys were there."

"That's not the point. She had to see this, had to be a part of this because of me."

"Technically because of me, but yeah," Fai corrects me.

I lean on the concrete wall and just enjoy the view for a view seconds, feeling calmer already.

"You can't go to the bar for some time now, you know that, yeah?" Fai reminds me. I know it. Of course I do. It was because of me and Fai they were there. Both of us.

"That's not an option, though. Harper isn't safe there alone."

Fai lets out a long exhale. "My guys will make sure she's safe."

"Yes, sure. But your guys don't love her like I do. I'd die for her if that meant she'd stay safe."

Fai is silent for a heartbeat. "Good thing Lev has hots for her, then, huh?" he says it lightly but he's not joking.

I smile to myself. I think Lev is a good guy from what I saw. Hot, too. He's not for Harper, but he could fight if he needed to and I think he needs to do that. A lot. "And what about you? Are you going to stay away from the bar, too?" I ask Fai, resting my head on my hand, looking into the distance, not focusing on anything particular.

"Yeah. I'm staying on the low for now, just in case."

My forehead scrunches. "And what if I want to see you?"

Fai is quiet for some moments now, obviously debating if I'm serious or not. "Then you'll see me," he tells me with a confirming tone.

I grin, biting down on my lip. Hanging out with Fai is becoming addicting. It's exciting. It makes me feel carefree. Free. He takes my mind off of the shitty things that go through it.

"I'll go now. Bye, Fai. Message me some time now that you have my number." I make a kissing sound and Fai's laugh rings in my ear.

"Yeah, bee," he says gruffly.

We disconnect and I place the phone on the concrete wall. I lean forward a little, looking down on the street. I close my eyes, trying to envision the fall – like I always do. Trying to envision how it feels like. How fast would I reach the bottom? But this time, it turns out, I don't want to imagine the fall.

Just the view from the top stays behind my closed eyes. No fall tonight.

I'm trying to convince Harper to find a different job, but she doesn't even want to hear about it and that budges me. She saw how dangerous that place got and, yes, it might be because I was stubborn and kept hanging out with Fai, stupidly thinking that Harper wouldn't get involved, but now that they know about me, they'll know about her, too, and I'm scared shitless for her.

She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to worry about it, not even a bit. Which is weird. Because Harper is always the panicked one, about everything. She gets scared quickly.

It seems that the accident she saw truly moved something inside of her and she's fighting against herself.

I haven't gone to the bar in three days. I haven't seen Fai, not even talked to him since that night, either. But I'm getting bored. If I have to stay at home, forcingly watching some boring movie and worrying about Harper, I'm going to go nuts.

I think about inviting Fai here. When Harper's not home, of course, but I don't even mention that to her because I don't really know what her reaction would be. She warmed up to the guy, but she still has some restrictions and limits if I know her well. And I do know her very well.

After school, I go to the library, but I don't find anything new that would be interest me enough so I'd read it.

I cave in and shoot Fai a text.

Meet me tonight?

I put the earbuds in and play some music on my phone, taking the bus to Harper's place, my hood over my head.

I see Fai texted me back when I'm exiting the bus.

Wanna come to my place?

I shake my head with a grin. I was wondering how long he'd last without asking that question. He lasted pretty damn long for someone like him, so I give him props.

I think he deserves a little award for that.

Yep. Pick me up around 6, have to go to work later.

Fai's text comes in seconds. I guess he was waiting for my answer.

I got ya.

You don't. But you will soon, it seems.

I put the phone back into my pocket, whistling to myself the rest of the way.

*

I know you all probably hate me because of how slow these updates are but I swear I'm trying my best. I'm working on so many things atm, but uni and working kill my motivation and drain my energy. I'm trying!