❝ With the same damn hunger

to be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all  ❞

❦

Those surprise tests we randomly get at school bore the shit out of me because they give us the easiest questions that I always finish early and then forbid us to leave the classroom, because the lesson will continue after we're done writing.

It's always the same shit. I usually do the questions in approximately 7 minutes and I have 23 minutes left to do ... nothing.

In times like this, I either plop my elbow on the table, support my head with my hand and just stare through the window. Other times, like today, I draw. I like to draw when I have time and when imagination strikes me.

I draw a lion today, the one I saw on Fai's back, but drawing it by memory is quite hard because I don't remember all the details, so I only draw what I remember I saw, even if just for a few seconds. I have to draw it on the test paper because I'm not allowed to use anything else right now, but I'll get it back, anyway, so it's all good. I have to make it small, though.

When I look at it, I smile. It's not quite right because I know some of the details are missing, but I swear I'll have him show me his tattoos one day because his body is a work of art and I could get a lot of inspiration from it.

When the teacher comes to collect the tests, he stops by my table, looking at the drawing. She shakes her head to herself, not commenting anything, but I know she's impressed. They don't know how I do, probably because there's no one else like me. And I'm not sucking my own tits, but I'm just seeing it how it is.

The rest of the class, I sort of just stare out of the window, twirling the pen in my hand and wait until the bell rings so I can get the hell out of here for today.

When I'm out in the hallway, I'm approached by Mandy, my classmate and also the bitch of this school. She's not even a bad bitch, she's just a bitch thinking she's bad because her daddy's rich and she can wear designer clothes, thinking that'll make up for her shitty personality.

But she's someone other people want to be on good terms with, if not even friends with her. Guys want to fuck her, girls want to befriend her. To be completely honest, I've never given two shits about her. I don't give two shits about anyone at this school and she's not an exception. She tried things with me a few times, but that never went well for her, so she just left me alone.

"Hey, Kadience," she says sweetly, doing her infamous hair flip with her long, black, shiny hair.

I just raise my eyebrows at her, not even bothering to say anything back to her.

She straightens her posture, trying to look intimidating. My eyebrows lift even higher. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Just shoot it out and get moving, I'm in a hurry here," I tell her, not in the mood to eat any of her shit today.

"Are you dating Fai Mills?"

If it'd be possible, my eyebrows would raise to the moon right now. Ah, so the word is spreading fast around here. People are already making assumptions, and she's one to believe them. Of course she is. She's actually someone who makes assumptions about people and spreads them around like she's spreading her legs, if she's right or not, she doesn't care, as long as she has shit coming out her mouth, she's content. And others are too, because they're eating everything she gives them.

"What's it to you?" I ask her in annoyance. If I don't like something, it's people spreading rumours. I don't care about them, but I don't like them.

"So you are?" she asks, her own eyebrows shooting up in surprise. She loses some of her confidence she approached me with, I see.

I smile to her, stepping closer to her as if I'm going to tell her a secret. "None of your goddamn business. Maybe focus a little more on the history book the next time because I saw you struggling in there today instead of things that don't have to do anything with you." I give her a wink before I push past her, my shoulder brushing hers.

I didn't think people in this school knew who he was, but I know there are people from here who go to the bar frequently and it's no surprise they're talking, although it makes me so fed up to listen to assumptions about me and about other people. I don't care if they're correct or incorrect, but it's annoying as hell and that's why I'm always careful I never tell anyone anything more than they deserve to know; which is nothing.

Fai doesn't come to the bar that night. He doesn't come the night after that, either. He actually shows up on the fourth night when I'm not even expecting him to show up anymore. And it's messed up that I was kind of looking forward to seeing him because it's exciting and we have some fun together, but it's whatever.

I've been drawing these past three nights at the bar. I put the lion from his back on A4 format, but it's still making me mad that I can't get the details right, so the whole drawing is off as a result.

Fai is a head-turner and that's a fact. It's hard not to notice him when he goes somewhere because everyone looks. He has something that makes you want to look. Besides a hell of a good looking face, that is. I have to look over my shoulder to see him. He doesn't look at me, at all. They sit at their regular table and Fai lazily scans the bar.

I look away before he can look at me. And I know he will, he's just trying to play it cool. Harper is trying not to look, too, but she's not succeeding. I just wait for him to come to me.

I feel him standing behind me just minutes later, looking at the drawing I don't even try to hide from him. I don't care if he sees it. He watches it for some moments, inspecting it.

"That looks very familiar," comes his familiar gruff voice.

My lips turn up at the corners. "I'd be disappointed if it didn't."

Fai sits beside me and I turn my head to look at him, my smile freezing on my face slightly. His face is bruised. His lip is cut and he has a bruise that turned purple on his temple. "Oh, wow. You gave yourself a make-over to suit your bad boy persona going on, huh?"

He gives me a half-smile. "Wanna kiss it all better?"

My eyebrow raises. "I'm good, thanks."

Fai glances at my sketch once more before he stands up. "Come on, let's go," he suddenly says.

I give him a weird look. "Excuse me, what?"

"I said come on, let's go."

I have to chuckle. "Go where, Fai? Where was the question in this?"

He rolls his eyes. "You can stay here for all I care, bee. You know where I'm going. I'll wait outside, if you're not out in three minutes, I'm going without you."

I stare at him as he walks out, biting the inside of my lip and smiling like a goddamn fool. Okay, then. I look at Harper and catch her watching with raised eyebrows. I close my sketchbook and jump down from the stool, giving her a wave. I think Harper started warming up to the idea of me hanging out with Fai.

She was always so afraid of me ending up with someone destructive that would ruin my life with his dangerous ways of living, but she might've finally started seeing that I'm, in fact, a big girl that has her own head to think with. Fai is not a threat. He's not going to do anything.

I walk out, making him exactly for three minutes. He's smoking a cigarette, leaning against his motorcycle with a helmet in his hand. He notices me walking towards him, but he shows indifference. He's not surprised I came. We both play this game around each other.

Fai puts a cigarette out, throwing it into the wastebin this time, handing me the helmet. "Put it on."

I stare at the helmet in his hand. "Order me to do something one more time if you dare."

He only raises his eyebrows, obviously not taking me seriously. "Put it on," he repeats his order.

"No, fuck you. You put it on."

Fai stares at me, his amusement quickly disappearing from his face. "For fuck's sake, if you got paid for being annoying, you'd be a fucking millionaire. Jesus Christ," he mutters, stepping to me and putting the helmet on my head. He rests his hands on top of it, keeping my head in place and looking into my eyes. "There's a time and place for your defiance, bee. This is not it."

I make a mocking face at him, although, inside, I'm gloating at the way he knows how to handle me and doesn't back down when I get up against him. Hot damn.

He gets up on the motorcycle and, with no further words, I sit behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

I don't know what's riding with him, but it's addicting. I feel so free, so safe. It's almost unhealthy, but it brings a smile on my face. This is all fun and games. I know Fai and I have no future together. We're not going to get married and have kids running around. This is not us. This is Harper, but this is not me. I don't get to have that kind of future.

I've always liked to live on the more dangerous and adventurous side. If that gets me down at the end, I'll go down happy. In some way, at least. Or content.

I think this is becoming my new happy place. I have to share it with Fai, though, but it's no problem. It's because of him that I discovered this place. It's so peaceful up here, especially here on the hill, in the middle of the meadow, away from the road, away from the city, away from everything, everyone. Just us. In the middle of nothing and with a hell of a pretty view.

I turn to Fai, looking at his face, inspecting his bruise. I lightly press my fingertips against it, barely touching it. He sharply turns his head into my direction. "What are you doing?" he asks abruptly.

"Do you know why bruises change colour?" Fai groans, but I don't let this discourage me. "Bruised capillaries release fresh blood that's coloured red by hemoglobin; a protein that transports oxygen throughout your body. The oxygen-rich blood causes the injury to appear read at first and then after one or two days without circulation, the hemoglobin begins to break down, coloring the bruise blue, purple or black.

"A week-old bruise becomes olive green because the iron in hemoglobin that's used to make new blood cells, for example, is gone. And at the final stage, your bruise turns yellow or light brown. The color comes from bilirubin, a byproduct of hemoglobin breakdown.

"And about the bruise changing shapes, that's –"

Fai's mouth is suddenly on mine, shutting me up, his hand in my hair, gripping my head so it stays where he wants it to while he mercilessly attacks my lips. He kisses me fast and hard at first, his movements strong and desperate, but then the kiss softens and he becomes more gentle, his tongue coming out to search for my own that happily greets his.

A soft, barely there groan leaves his mouth and he lays me down on the grass, climbing on top of me, keeping his lips on mine. I put my hand on his neck, open my legs to make room for him and he settles between them, his hard-on pressed right against my center. He pushes against me, getting a moan out of me.

Oh my God, this guy knows how to kiss. He takes my other hand that's free and laces it with his own, bringing it over my head and moving his mouth down my jaw to my neck where he softly sucks the skin, all the while his hips are expertly moving against me. It feels like he's fucking me without really fucking me.

But then my phone starts ringing with Harper's ringtone. "Oh, fuuuck," I say in disappointment. Fai backs off and the spell between us is immediately broken. My mind feels a little hazy for a few moments.

I answer with a breathless, "Yeah?"

"Kadie, where are you?" Harper's panicked voice makes me immediately sit up and put me on alert. "Something happened. I'm still at the bar, I can't get out. Some guy ... I don't know, it was scary. He was looking for you and Fai."

"Stay right where you are, I'm coming to get you." I'm already on my feet and Fai is looking up at me, standing up too. We look at each other and by my expression, he immediately notices something's wrong. He threads his hand through his hair, impatiently waiting for me to finish the call.

"No. Don't come here, Kadie. I don't know if he's still here. He'll hurt you. Don't come here," Harper repeats, but she's so scared, her voice is shaking and she's on the verge of tears.

"Just stay where you are, Harper," I say, trying to sound calm and reassuring.

I end the call without breaking the gaze with Fai. "We have to go back. Something happened at the bar. Some guy was looking for us."

Understanding dawns over Fai's face. "Let's go," he says, spurring into action.

*

I'm booking a vacation in december and this is stressful af