❝ One who's always crazy,

never calls me baby,

that's the one that I want❞

❦

Harper has classes late in the morning. I feel bad because she hasn't slept much and now she has to go through hours of forcing herself to concentrate.

I, on the other hand, go shopping. I always shop for clothes at thrift stores, which is not very often. I'm not really into shopping, but I'm into searching and finding new things that I like. I don't really have a style and I don't bother with fashion. When buying things, I don't think through with what I'm going to match it with. I buy something because I like it and then work around with it.

I find a few pieces today that I like. Nothing too drastic or that would stand up. I usually just go for plain clothes with no inscriptions on them and in one colour. That's the main reason why I don't buy brands. If I do buy clothes with inscriptions, it's just plain white or black shirts with some sarcastic sayings.

I like to take time when shopping to look through every piece, feel all of them and try them on. It often happens that a piece doesn't look how I imagined it'd look on me. Even though I don't complicate over these things, I still want to feel comfortable in what I wear and that's the main goal for me.

Afterwards, I wander in the city. I visit a museum by myself and even go to the cinema afterwards, just blindly choosing a movie. I don't have preferences when it comes to movies, I watch it all. Old, new, thrillers, dramas, comedies, horror ... Except for romance, I don't like romantic movies, but I watch them if I come across them just for my own fun. Those sappy happy endings are just ... meh for me. They're just for people to make them feel better about their sad lives and to fill them with the hope that they'll get a happy ending like that one day maybe.

I end up watching a horror movie. Nothing to brag about and nothing that would make me remember the movie, just something to pass time with.

When I get out, I see Harper sent me a text.

Going straight to the bar. Where are you?

She's the responsible one. She sends a text because she doesn't want me to be worried. She tells me everywhere she goes and who she goes with, sometimes even giving me their numbers. Just in case, she says. She's always playing it safe. She doesn't party, she doesn't drink.

There's not often she goes somewhere, and when she does, it's with friends from college to go and study together or grab lunch together. It's not that she doesn't have many friends, it's just that she chooses them wisely. She's a social person, yet she doesn't hang out with just everyone. If you're in her circle, you have to be special and this is why I'm never worried about Harper. She always makes sure she's safe, but I appreciate her telling me about her whereabouts.

Went to the cinema. See you later.

Thankfully, she forgot about that movie she wanted us to watch together. I hate when she picks movies because she's a sucker for romance. Movies, books, series, you name it. And I suffer through them because I love her and I owe her for putting up with me.

I wander around the city some more, exploring it like a tourist and discovering new places before I go back to Harper's place and go straight up to the rooftop. The sun is going to set in a few minutes. I get up on the wall and sit on it, looking down at the cars, people and little stores beneath. This always fascinates me. Not really how much you can see from here and how beautiful the view is, but looking down and just watching people walking, running, driving bicycles, motorcycles, cars ...

I lift my head up, looking at the sky and enjoying the breeze blowing across my face. I close my eyes, living in the moment. Up here, away from everyone and everything, enjoying the peace and aloneness. I'm one of those people who just love to be alone. People exhaust me and I'm not the person to eat their bullshit just to appear nice. I'm not nice, but I'm not rude, either. I'm just something in-between. Truthful, if you may. With no pretence in front of anyone.

I take one last look down and around the city before I jump down from the wall and go back in the building. I don't take a book with me tonight because I don't want to read. I'm too restless for that. I need another escape and I might just know how to get it. Or who's going to give it to me.

I go to the bar with the bus and greet Harper. She's still mad at me, but at least she's not holding a grudge and is talking to me. "Hey, Harp, I'll wait for Fai outside and we'll go to his place. I'll stay there tonight, so you don't have to worry about me. Cool?"

Harper presses her lips together, which means it's not cool with her – at all. But she's not going to say that. She's going to say what I want to hear. To make me happy. Even though it doesn't make her happy. "Yeah, okay. See you in the morning?" she asks.

I nod and salute her before jumping down from the stool. Tomorrow is Saturday so I don't have to go to school. I'm not staying at Fai's tonight, that's just a lie because I know she'll check if I'm home when she gets there and I have to go to work tonight.

I go outside the bar, leaning against the wall beside the front door so I see when he comes. And I know he's coming. Because he can't stay away.

I'm smoking a cigarette and twirling my hair around my finger so the time passes faster while I'm waiting for him to come.

I hear him before I see him. The unmistakable sound of his motorcycle is hard to miss. I put the cigarette out and throw it into the wastebin, smiling to myself because I'm excited I get to annoy him. For no reason at all.

I lean back against the wall, placing my foot against the wall and wait for him to finish talking so he comes to the entrance. He's the first one in the group, but is the last one to notice me. Others are not really happy and impressed to see me. I don't care about them, though. They don't even matter. It's not them that I need. Well, I don't need Fai, either, he's just convenient.

When Fai looks up and sees me, his smile disappears, as well while mine reappears. He slows down, turning to the guys and telling them to go ahead and he'll be in in just a few minutes. He stops in front of me. "Waiting for someone?"

"Yeah, you," I say.

His eyebrow arches. He takes out a cigarette and lights it. "Why?" he asks nonchalantly like he can't be bothered.

"Do I need a reason?"

His eyebrows raise. "Yeah, you do."

I grin. "I'm lucky that I have one, then. Take me to that hill again."

Fai just continues looking at me for a few minutes. "What am I? Your chauffeur?" He scoffs. "No," is his answer before he takes a drag of his cigarette.

"Oh, come on, Fai. You know you want to spend time with me." I want to put my hand on his chest, but he steps back, not letting me touch him. He's not letting me play a game with him tonight, it seems.

"The fuck do I get out of it?"

"My company," I grin.

He shakes his head and drops the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it to put it out. "Stop wasting my time." He wants to go inside, but I step in front of the door, blocking the entrance completely by extending my arms out.

His nostrils flare, our faces now inches apart. "Fai, come on. What do you want? A handjob? A blowjob?"

"Move, Kadie. I'm not playing."

"No," I say defiantly.

"I said I'm not taking you anywhere. Quit being annoying and find someone else to take you."

"My, my. You're being really mean to me tonight. I miss the Fai that begged me to come out to a party with him for his birthday and asking for kisses. Where's he hiding?"

His jaw locks. "Move from the door, Kadience."

"Take me to that hill."

"No," Fai says. "Ask someone else."

"But I want to go with you."

He scowls. "And I don't want to go there now."

I drop my arms from the door, showing my defeat. Partly. I still don't go away from the door and I don't have any intention to do it. "Please," I say quietly.

Fai falls silent. He stares at me, his eyes running over my face, his eyebrows furrowing. "Why?"

I shrug. "I feel like going away from everyone. Take me away, please."

Fai steps away from me, putting space between us. He looks like he doesn't know what to do for some moments. "Get on the motorcycle," he says grumpily.

I bite down on my lip, smiling to myself. That was pretty easy. I happily skip to the motorcycle, getting on behind Fai. I feel the bad mood radiating off him when I sit behind him. It's a weird game we're playing here, telling each other to stay away, but then doing things together, kissing and arguing and laughing and dancing.

I'm smiling the whole way to that hill. I watch the city, looking at it as we disappear from it and away from it. Far, far away from it.

When we get there, I get off the motorcycle first while Fai stays on it a few seconds longer. "I could just leave you here, you know."

I turn around. "You could. But you're not going to." I turn back around and walk to the grass, sitting down and taking in the view. Fai comes behind me, quietly sitting down beside me, as well.

We don't talk for a long time and Fai seems like he's starting to get bored. He stretches his legs out, leaning back on his hands.

I look at him sideways and then, with a small, mischievous smile, I turn and lay down on the grass, putting my head on his legs. Fai looks down at me, confused. I also notice he's scowling.

"So I have a better view at the stars," I explain, giving him an innocent grin.

He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't move away, either. I clasp my hands over my stomach, looking up at the night sky. Fai takes a look at it, but quickly loses interest and looks at the city, but I feel his eyes on me a few times. He doesn't say anything. He's not one of the talkative people and that's the main difference between us. I could talk about anything with anyone.

"You know, we're almost completely made up of empty space. Everything around us is made up of atoms, tiny particles composed of a nucleus orbited by electrons. These tiny particles are filled with energy, but they have quite a bit of empty space; in fact 99,99 percent of all of the matter around us is empty space. This means you've never touched anything in your life. We're actually floating above this grass we're sitting on thanks to incredibly small electromagnetic forces."

I extend my arms up, looking at the sky through my fingers and then looking up at Fai who's staring at me, quietly, but with interest. "Pretty crazy, huh?"

"So if I do this," he says, placing his hand on my cheeks, close to my lips, "I'm not really touching you?"

I shake my head.

He removes his hand. "Bullshit," he says, looking at the city again.

"It's science, really. It's hard to understand, but that's why I love it so much."

I look back up at the sky and we're coated in silence once again. "Do you know how to tell stars and planets apart?"

Fai looks up at the sky and then at me. "Am I getting a lecture about science tonight?"

"Don't you want to learn more about everything around us?"

"No, not really, no."

I ignore him, continuing to look up at the sky. "It's actually impossible to see with the naked eye, but the main difference is shape, of course, which you can only see with the telescope. But if you watch the sky closely, you can differentiate stars from planets just to see which ones twinkle and which ones don't, but even that can be deceiving sometimes, because even planets can twinkle sometimes because when looking towards the horizon, we're looking through more atmosphere than when we're looking straight up which means more light refraction that causes them to twink."

I notice Fai is looking up at the sky, even though he feigned disinterest before. "You seem to really love the science," he says as an observation.

I continue looking at him. "And what about you? What do you love? Who do you love?"

He looks at me with a serious expression and then lets out a sigh. "Love is a pretty strong word," he murmurs.

I shift a little on his legs so I have a better look at him. "It is," I agree. "Have you ever felt it before? The rush, the excitement of seeing another person?"

He just stares at me as if he doesn't know what to really say. "No," he says with a gruff voice.

"But do you think you ever could? Feel something so strong towards another human being?"

His eyebrow slowly raises. "I may be fucked up in the head in many ways, bee, but I am still just a human being and I do feel things, just like every other person in the world. If you're asking me if I'm capable to love someone, yeah, I'm pretty sure I am, but that doesn't mean I should."

I smile, lifting up my hand and touching his jaw. His jaw locks, but he doesn't move his face away from my touch.

"What's the point of these questions? Are you trying to ask me out?"

My smile intensifies. "No, you're going to ask me out. I was just wondering."

He moves his face away from my hand. "I already asked you out. You turned me down."

"You asked me to sleep with you. Not really asked, you just made a comment about it."

"So? That's the same thing."

I shake my head to him. "No, Fai, that's a very different thing. And you'll know it. You'll learn the difference one day, I'm sure."

"When I fall in love?" he asks mockingly, laughing like he finds the idea funny.

I don't say anything back.

His face becomes serious again. "And you? Have you ever loved someone?"

"Not anyone. Not ever," I say truthfully. The only person I've loved is Harper, but that's a different kind of love. I haven't even felt love towards my parents. I don't know how that even feels. "Do you believe in soulmates?" I ask him while looking up at the sky again.

He takes out a pack of cigarette, taking one out and lighting it. "Do you?"

"Well, I don't believe in the theory that everyone is made for someone else. So, no, I don't really believe in soulmates. You can only be made for yourself, too. You can end up being with yourself for the rest of your life and that's okay, too. I think we should all ditch an idea that we have to find someone or else we'll end up alone. I mean, you're not alone if you spend your whole life with yourself and friends. You can be your own soulmate."

Fai takes a drag of a cigarette, looking at me. "And you believe you're your own soulmate? Do you believe you're not made for anyone else?"

I chuckle. "I have no idea, Fai. I have a whole life in front of me. I'm just saying that I would never settle for anything less than I really want just because I'd fear to end up alone. I've never belonged anywhere, to anyone, but maybe I'd like to experience that, even if just for one, short moment. And if I don't have that heart-racing love, then I don't want it. That's all." I sit up, so I'm right beside him, facing him. "What's it gonna be, Fai? Do you think you could give me that?" 

*

Since this story is quite different from the others I've written, I'm asking you that you keep it in mind when reading it, since a lot of you like to compare yourselves to the characters in the books and saying what you'd do instead and fail to understand the character's mind. The beauty of reading books is that you get to see the actions and thinking of other people that you don't have to relate to because people are different and we all think and react differently about different things.

I also wanted to remind you that I'm writing poetry on instagram so if you'd like to, you can follow me @patriciakauthor. Thanks!! 

**

I want to share a story with you that I've heard in my meditation class and it left quite an impact on me and made me think. Some of you have probably heard it, some of you will hear it first, and some of you might not even understand the depth of it, but just in case you're interested; 

Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions.

Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young boy paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can't return to the sea by themselves," the youth replied. "When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water."

The old man replied, "But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I'm afraid you won't really be able to make much of a difference."

The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, "It made a difference to that one!"