CHAPTER 39 - Every Second Counts

"I'M SORRY FOR NOT saying how much I love you that day . . . and I still do. Until now."

Kara wiped her tears and stared at Janus who's looking at her with the same intensity. She cupped his face and she felt the warmth of his skin. Janus closed his eyes and looked down as if he already knew what she was about to say.

She tried to speak even with the lump in her throat. "Let's fix ourselves first, shall we?"

Janus slowly nodded as a tear fell on his right cheek. "I don't want you to fix me while destroying you in the process. I just want someone to lean on . . . to be with me, holding my hand while I fix myself."

Kara nodded and looked at Janus as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked at her deeper and deeper as if he could see every inch of her soul.

"Honestly, I am scared," he added, "I don't want to hurt you, not with my broken shards nor with my shattered pieces and never with my damaged soul."

Kara shook her head with guilt and pain. Hindi niya inaasahang gano'n ang nararamdaman ni Janus. Every single one of us has broken shards, shattered pieces and damaged soul. But we can build something beautiful out of it. We just gotta try and let ourselves in. She gave the same stare and intensity, and wiped her tears.

"I can accept you for who you are and for what you could bring. I know we can use each other's broken pieces to fill the hole we have inside, but it wasn't right. Hindi tama . . . because how can you expect someone to accept you when you yourself can't even accept who you really are?"

Janus looked away but his eyes flickered with pain. He was hiding his eyes from her using his palm, but she still continued. She has to say this or else she'll regret it for the rest of her life.

"We all deserve pure happiness, Janus. Kindness is necessary, but remember to put yourself first, too. Your happiness shouldn't be dependent on someone else's soul. We are in charge of our own selves. Don't depend your happiness on me or the people around you because I can't complete you," she added.

Yumuko siya, hinimas ang palapulsuhan niya kung saan nakaukit ang tanda nang pagpapatiwakal niya. Tinatakpan iyon ng daisy niyang tattoo. Her scar that proves how weak she had been for hurting herself. A mark that was embedded through her body. It was a reminder from her past that you can turn the ugliest scar into something beautiful.

"Kahit ako, hindi kita kayang buoin. I can't because I have demons to face, too. I learned that from you. Stop fixing others. We need to let go in order to grow because only then, you'll realize how lucky you are right now. You already achieved your dream. You're one of the stars that's shining in the sky. Stop thinking that you're useless. You achieved it because you have talent and you have this," she said, pointing her finger on Janus' chest.

"You've touched the hearts of your fans because of your music . . . because of your pure heart. Without knowing you helped thousands of your fans cope up with their problems. Your songs gave them their hope back. The music you create to inspire saved thousands of lives. Hindi mo lang napapansin kasi nakatuon ka sa mga bagay na wala sa 'yo."

Janus hugged her as she felt him sobbing again. "You're not famous for nothing," she whispered, it came from her heart.

She wanted him to realize those. Dahan-dahan siyang humiwalay sa yakap nito, tinitigan niya ang namumulang mata ni Janus, ngunit umiwas ito ng tingin.

"Look at me."

Janus shifted his gaze on her, his eyes were filled with tears.

"You're Janus Axl Valderama. The guy who captivated thousands of audience with your dreamy vocals and intense, personal lyrics, including me. So keep shining, keep singing. You have to do it for yourself. I'm always here to support you. We are with you all the way. Despite all the things that people say about you, they don't know you. Huwag kang magpaapekto dahil hindi ka nila kilala."

Kara's tears kept on falling, blurring her vision. Her heart was heavy, but she had to say it. She wanted to say it.

"I will always love and support you." She fought back her tears but they are so eager to fall, so as her heart. "I'm so proud of you. Now go, and inspire them with your music. "

Kara's heart skipped a beat when Janus slowly rested his forehead on hers, inching their gap with his softest expression.

"I've spent thousand nights dying to hear that," he uttered.

Bumaba ang tingin nito sa labi niya. She licked her lips, the vulnerability of her innocence glowed softly in her eyes. Janus then looked back again on her eyes. She can see some other emotions—tenderness, affection, love?

Kara's sanity left her when Janus claimed her lips and devoured her soul. The kiss was slow, but he poured his heart into it. She felt it, she felt his longing and pain as he kissed her. A tear fell from Kara's eyes as she responded to his kisses.

She felt a pang in her heart as they shared the intimate kiss, because after that, she knew they both need to choose themselves first. They needed to heal, before they come back into each other's arms. For loving is not all about holding on, love also includes letting go not just for yourself, but also for your other half. Letting yourselves explore life, knowing yourself more and growing up in your own ways.

Maybe when the time is right and the situation approves, she can find her way back into his arms with a stronger and more matured version of herself. And if Janus finds someone on his way to heal himself, she would be happy since she knew he deserved it even if it's not her in the end. Because maybe, some people were just meant to be in the same story, but were bound to have different endings.

But for now, she has to savor the time before it runs out.

Janus' hand cupped her face, deepening the kiss as he slowly laid her on the bed. Both their subconscious desire, being fulfilled and exposed, like their body as clothes were ripped and thrown on the floor, her fingers tracing his sides and his arms around her waist. Their breathing synchronized as their lips crashed into each other, giving the same passion they'd received. They shared the night as their concealed craving being quenched somewhere in the four corners of Janus' room.

"Let me heal myself first, then let me love you. I'll do it proper this time."

That was the last words Janus whispered as he kissed her forehead and they both fall into deep slumber.

JANUS woke up alone and naked. He woke up touching the empty space beside him. Last night, they shared his brightest dream, but like all of his other dreams, it only lasted for a night and he was left alone in his bed like an exquisite mistake.

He sat on his bed listening to his phone as it rang, maybe it was his manager calling again. Hindi niya iyon pinansin at natulala sa kisame habang iniisa-isa ang nangyari kagabi. How Kara urged him to do more and continue his passion. How she calmed his monster with her gentle touch. And how she brought him back to his sanity.

Napapikit si Janus sa iritasyon nang muling tumunog ang phone niya na nasa side table. Kinuha niya iyon at inilagay sa tainga.

"Valderama, we have an appointment with . . . ."

His manager talked but his mind was stuck on the piece of paper on the floor. Nilapitan niya iyon saka pinulot. His brow arched when he saw that it was a ticket to Simple Plan's concert last night.

Damn, did she miss the concert last night because of him?

"Get your ass here, Janus or else I'll—" Hindi na niya pinatapos ang pananakot ng manager.

"Cancel all my appointments today and tomorrow," pirmi niyang sinabi.

"What the hell, Valderama! Nasisiraan ka na ba?" rinig niya ang prustrasyon sa boses nito.

"Just this one, Kuya Yves."

Rinig niya ang malalim na pagbuga nito ng hininga sa kabilang linya. Marahil ay hirap na rin dahil sa katigasan ng ulo niya.

"Ngayon lang 'to, Janus. Whatever it is, I know it's important for you, but please behave. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin sa 'yo!"

"A'ight! Can I also ask you a favor?" dagdag pa niya. Sandaling natahimik ang kausap niya.

"Ano na naman 'yan? Make sure na hindi gulo 'yang pinapasok mo ha!"

Hinilot niya ang bridge ng ilong habang nakapikit saka nagsalita. "Can you buy me two tickets for the next tour of Simple Plan in Asia?"

"Are you serious? It will be at Singapore!"

"That one! And please book me a ticket for two, back and forth. Same day as the concert," aniya.

"Fine! Noted! Pagkatapos nito, siguro naman titino ka na." Nahimigan niya ang pagtatampo sa boses ng manager kaya naman napangisi siya.

"I will, Kuya. And I also need to talk to you after this," he said and heaved a sigh. He needs to talk to his manager about something. Nakapagdesisyon na siya. He has to fix his damn life!

"Have a safe trip." Then his manager ended the call.

Muli siyang tumitig sa hawak niyang ticket ng Simple Plan. Surely, he was the reason why Kara missed it. At hindi siya papayag na hindi siya makabawi rito. He knew how Kara wanted to go to their concert and it was almost her dream.

After settling everything he had prepared, from the booking, the ticket and the hotel reservation, he dialed her phone number wishing she would consider his request— his last request. He sat on the sofa of his living room, listening to the dial tone and staring at the canvas hanging on his wall.

"Hello?"

Awtomatiko siyang napaayos ng upo nang marinig niya ang boses nito. Her voice sounds like he woke her up from a deep slumber. He looked at his wrist watch, and it was six in the evening.

"Are you busy? Did I interrupt you?" he asked, knowing she must be tired remembering what they did last night.

He heard her yawn before answering. "No. I'm just sleeping. Why did you call? We don't have a session."

"I know. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Uhm . . . what is it first?"

Unti-unting tumaas ang sulok ng labi niya. "Sigurista," he mumbled. "Can you spend a two-day trip with me?"

Sandaling tumahimik ang kausap niya sa kabilang linya. He even heard a deep sigh after another. Nakagat niya ang ibabang labi saka mariing ipinikit ang mata. Maybe he was too fast on asking that, they just reconciled from their past and now here he was, asking a two-day trip. Yeah. That was fast!

"It's not what you think. I just need someone to be with," he added.

He let out a sigh and stared blackly. He just wanted to spend time with her even for a day or two for the last time.

"I want to, but I'm not sure if I can file a leave for that. I just started to work and I can't leave just like that. Maybe we can resched it for the weekend?"

"I already talked to Mrs. Vergara."

"No way . . . you did?"

"He's Kuya Yves' wife and she said she can do a favor for you."

Before answering him, he heard her chuckle on the other line. "You already planned it, huh? So what's the point of asking me then?" she said and laughed sarcastically.

He smirked. Damn, he missed that laugh. "Consent? I mean even if she already let you have that two-day leave, it's still your choice. Just tell me if you don't want to. I can resched it."

"Fine. I'm going!" She chuckled.

Lihim siyang napangiti nang sumang-ayon ito. He'll make sure she will enjoy the trip and take home good memories with her to keep.

"Pack up. I'll pick you up by eight."

"Are you kidding?"

"I'm serious." He let out a small laugh. "We'll get behind by our flight."

"Damn! Why did I sign up for this!" He heard her grunt but he just laughed it off.

After the call ended, Janus prepared himself and put his baggage into his car. He drove off to Yves' house as he was instructed. When he parked, he took the song Kara composed and scanned it again. He already finished the arrangements and it was ready for recording. Nang matapos suriin ang wedding song na c-in-ompose ni Kara ay inilipat niya iyon sa likod para tingnan ang isang pang kanta na nais niya ring muling kantahin.

That Cold Christmas Night.

He heaved a deepest sigh as he looked on the music score. This is the song that started it all. Everything started because of this and ended eventually. He knew he can't bring back their past to change what he had done and lessen the pain he inflicted, but it wasn't too late to correct it. He shouldn't have let his past mistake determine his future and the chaos it brought: his addiction.

Kara was right. They have to fixe themselves first— and he has to fix himself alone. Because only then he can find his true happiness.

He doesn't want to inflict her another ounce of pain. A guy like him don't deserve a girl so precious as her. He was chaos and she was peace. A two, complete opposite person as them wouldn't ended up perfect for each other. He'll just drag her down and that's the least he wanted.

After this trip, he won't promise, but he will try to do his best to be happy again. He wanna believe that he still deserve another shot of happiness despite it all. He wanna believe that someday, he'll be totally healed from what's pinching his heart right now.

But he'd like to claim it rather than just wanting to believe it. He wanna let go of all these burdens he's carrying now. No more lonely nights filled with unending regrets. No more feeling of being unimportant, unappreciated, and unloved. No more feeling of less than what he truly deserve. One day, he'll be able to wake up saying he's okay and found his bunch of happiness! Only then, he can be deserving to come back to her life again.

But first, he has to fix his mess.

"I already emailed you the electronic ticket for the concert and here is the plane ticket. Call me when you arrived at Changi Airport so I can contact the hotel service."

Yves handed him an envelope. Ch-in-eck muna niya iyon bago tumango.

"A'ight." He nodded. "I also want to talk about this kaya ako dumaan." He gave Yves the copy of the two songs.

Yves' brows knitted when he looked at the file inside the folder. Tumikhim muna ito bago inayos ang salamin at naupo sa balcony kung nasaan sila.

"You wanted to record That Cold Christmas Night again?"

He gave him a slight nod. "I want to give Kara the copyright of the song. It was hers in the first place."

Tumango ang manager niya. "I know, but it will ruin your career."

"I want to say that I don't care anymore because it was already ruined, but my success was on you, too, and the people behind Empty." He looked down because he can't look in the eyes of his manager.

"Kuya Yves, I know I've been so harsh not only to myself, but also on you and the management so I wanted to say sorry and thank you for not leaving me when everyone did. I want to redeem myself. I want to fix the goddamn mess that I made and I want to start here— where it all started."

He felt a soft tap on his shoulder. Yves smiled at him. "Remember the night you walked out of the prison and came to me? You said you wanna start over again."

He nodded, urging him to continue.

"I was in the verge of letting you go that night, but Oddity came to see me. Ang sabi niya, masakit na makita kang nagkakaganoon. He said, hindi na ikaw ang nakilala niyang Janus. You lost your way and it pained him. Matagal ko nang gustong sabihin 'to, but because I promised that I won't, I kept it silent. But I think you need to hear this now."

Yves looked at the scenery on his balcony and heaved a sigh.

"That night, Oddity wanted you to leave Empty. He came to me and said that I should guide you. That I should not leave you. He wanted you to leave because he can see that the passion you once loved became a rope on your neck. He can't look at you as you hang yourself in the sea of misery. Hindi lang ako ang nasa tabi mo noong mga oras na iyon. He was always there, watching you as you pick up yourself.

"And now I must say that he was right. That's why I don't want to let go of you after that. You're talented and you have a good heart. Nawala ka man sa daan patungo sa pangarap mo, pero nagpatuloy ka pa rin. You want to correct your past mistakes? Do it! I will always be here to guide you."

Janus didn't know what to say, but he felt the heaviness in his heart lightened. Hindi lamang nagsasalita si Oddity ngunit alam at ramdam niyang may mabigat itong nais sabihin sa kaniya. They always act as if nothing big happened on the two of them, but he knew he owe him an apology, too.

"Thank you, Kuya Yves for everything." He gave him a tight hug, and that felt securing.

"Baka maiwan ka na ng flight n'yo," he said, chuckling and guided him out.

Tumango na siya saka tuluyan nang nagpaalam. Nang makapasok sa loob ng kotse, ibinaon niya ang ulo sa manibela saka doon ibinuhos ang mga luhang pinipigilan.

He wants to let it out, all of his frustrations and pain. He wants to drink. He wants an ounce of booze or met, it would do to suffice his needs. He wants to let his emotions out, but he restrained himself. Just the thought of going back to his addiction wasn't good for him so he stopped himself and dialed Kara's phone number.

"Hello, are you on your way?" she asked on the line.

Just the sound of her sweet voice calmed him, it tamed the beast inside him.

"Yes, are you done?" he asked in his most normal voice.

"Yeah, I'll wait for you."

Janus clenched his phone and felt the lump in this throat. "Okay." That was one of the hardest word that came out from his mouth.

He wanted to hear those words again. From her lips as she look deep into his eyes. He wanted to hear that she'll wait for him— to fix himself. But that was selfish and that want would only chain Kara into him. It's not what he wanted; he wanted to love her freely so that she'll grow and reach her peak even if it meant letting her go.

It took half an hour for Janus to get back to his usual self. When he calmed himself, he drove off to Kara's condo. She texted her address that made it easier for him to locate her. Bago bumaba ng sasakyan, naglagay siya ng pampatak sa mata para mawala ang pamumula noon. He can't look sad in front of her. This trip was for her to enjoy.

Kara was already on the lobby of her condominium. She was wearing a baby pink jumper dress; and a black and white stripes as her inner along with a pair of sneakers. Her long, wavy hair was in a bun and some strands of her hair was on the side of her face. Janus smiled as he scanned her and her classy yet simple look. The usual Kara.

Kara gave him a small smile. She watched all of his moves like he was a lion ready to attack. Janus chuckled in his mind, she has been like that ever since. Watching every move that he would make. At first, it was intimidating, but he got used to it.

"Traffic ba? Natagalan ka yata?" Kara asked when she finally entered his car.

"May dinaan lang akong files kay Kuya Yves. Nag-dinner ka na?" he asked and started his engine.

"Yep. Ikaw?"

"Sa flight na." Janus focused his sight on the road.

"Anong oras ang flight? And where are we going again?" Kara asked and her voice sounded like she's regretting she joined him on the trip.

He chuckled lightly before he answered, "10 p.m.," tipid niyang sinabi. At dahil nakahinto ang sasakyan dahil sa traffic light. Hinanap niya sa cellphone ang electronic ticket na in-email ni Yves. "And we're going to Singapore for this." He gave her his phone.

Janus stepped on the gas when the traffic light turned to green. Pasimple niyang sinilip ang reaction ni Kara ngunit tahimik itong nakatingin sa screen na pinakita niya. Pasimpleng tumaas ang sulok ng labi niya dahil sa reaksyon nito.

"Thank you . . .," she almost whispered but enough for him to hear because of the silence in his car.

"I was the one who should say thank you for taking care of me last night even if it was their concert."

He gripped the steering wheel for he remembered what happened. He took a glance at Kara whose cheeks were turning red.

"Naiwan mo siguro kagabi 'yong tickets. Coincidentally, Kuya Yves also gave me two of them. Kaya naalala kita and good thing, his wife also wants you to have fun," he said, not looking into her eyes, changing the topic with his white lies.

Baka kapag sinabi kasi niyang pina-cancel niya ang appointments niya nang dalawang araw at pinilit ang manager na bumili ng ticket ay hindi na ito sumama. His efforts would be in vain. He wants to spend time with her so he wouldn't risk it even if he had to lie.

"I'll just pay you my expenses—"

Mabilis siyang umiling. "I asked you, so it's my treat."

Kokontra pa sana ito nang muli siyang magsalita, "Take this as my thank you gift for . . . ." He felt a pang in his chest as he mumbled the last words, ". . . for everything."

For a moment, his eyes started to water but he looked away fast and focused his eyes on the road. It wasn't the time to be emotional. They arrived at the airport on their departure time, so they didn't wait long for their flight.

Kara was seated beside the window. Nagbabasa ito sa kindle niya at nakasuot ng earphone habang siya naman ay kumakain at tsine-check ang itinerary ng trip nila. After eating his dinner and checking all the places, he took a glance at Kara who was sleeping safe and sound beside him.

Her hair was messy because of the bun, but she still look cute. Hindi mapigilan ni Janus na picture-an ito. He even giggled when she scratched her nose. Matapos titigan ang mukha nito ay unti-unti niyang inalis ang specs na nakasuot at inalis din ang hawak niyang kindle.

He placed it on the compartment in front. He gave her his blanket and lowered the aircon on their side. Kinuha muna niya ang phone saka nagpatugtog ng playlist at sinuot ang earphone bago dahan-dahang ipinatong ang ulo ni Kara sa balikat niya. He once again glanced at her before taking his nap.

Janus slowly opened his eyes when he felt that someone was slowly grabbing his earphone. Pumupungas pa ang kaniyang mata nang lingunin ito.

"Pa-share." Kara put the earphone on her right ear and giggled.

Dahil sa antok ay hindi niya ito pinansin saka muling ipinikit ang mata. He handed over his phone to her that she gladly took. Kahit nakapikit ay hindi niya mapigilang mapangiti. When it comes to music, his taste was her favorite ever since.

Nakapikit pa rin siya ngunit nawala na ang antok niya dahil sa sumunod na kanta. It was a song from one of his favorite band Faber Drive entitled When I'm With You.

"It's been two years to the day
Half the time I've been away
I know I'm not there enough but that's gonna change
Cause I'm coming back
To show you that I'm keeping the promise I made."

The first seconds of the song, Kara was humming the melody but she sung the chorus that made his heart race. Mapait siyang napangiti habang pinapakinggan ang boses nito. It was the first time he heard her sing and it calmed and soothed him.

"When I'm with you I'll make every second count
Cause I miss you
Whenever you're not around
When I kiss you I'll still get butterflies years from now
I'll make every second count when I'm with you."

Whenever he hears the song, it didn't give him any emotion not until now. The lyrics wasn't painful, but as Kara sing every words, it was like a sharp knife to him. It cut deeper into his soul— into his heart.

"Wishing I was by your side
Cause when I'm not there enough
Nothing feels right
So I'm coming back to show you that
I'll love you the rest of my life."

He sang the next stanza with his eyes firmly shut. Meaning every words that came from his lips.

When that time comes that this two-day trip is over, he can only watch her from afar. He can't be by her side just like now. When the trip is over, he has to let her go and fix his damn life. Because right now, he knew that Kara deserve more than what he could offer.

Iminulat ni Janus ang mata niya saka sinalubong ang tingin ni Kara. She's looking at him with her eyebrows raised. Siguro ay nagulat sa biglaang pagsabay niya sa pagkanta nito.

Janus smiled at her even when his heart was breaking. He smiled to hold his tears and hide his pain because he doesn't want to bother her anymore.

"Thank you for joining me on this trip. I promise . . . I'll make every seconds count."