Chapter 20

It’s been a week since Aldridge and his family left. Tita just beeped me that they landed safely, then I haven’t receive any call from them. Kahit gusto ko silang tawagan, pinigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil sigurado akong abala ang mga iyon ngayon. Maybe I will just wait for their call.

Afternoon that day when I received an international call. When I answered it, nalaman kong si Tito iyon. After a short talk, si Tita naman ang nakausap ko. That was 5:30 in the afternoon while 11:30 naman ng umaga sa kanila.

We decided to just have a video call kaya iyon ang ginawa namin. Aldridge is already at the hospital and I felt better when I saw his smile again kahit na through screen ko lang iyon nakita. His parents then allowed us to talk with each other freely.

Aldridge told me that the doctors who are handling him reviewed his laboratory test results and his history documents for them to know what are the next procedures they will do.

[I’m scared, love.] Mahina nitong sambit. It was then my first time to hear him in this kind of tone.

“It’s okay to feel scared, love. It’s normal to feel scared. Just don’t give up, okay?” advice ko sa kanya, nakangiti.

[Thanks, Meg. Thank you for giving me strength. I love you so much.] Through my phone screen, I can see how deep his stares were.

“I love you so much too. Let’s see each other again soon, Aldridge.” I replied sweetly.

Hindi ko na pinatagal ang tawag na iyon dahil alam kong kailangan niya ring magpahinga. Dumating na rin ‘yung nurse na nagmomonitor sa kanya kaya tinapos na namin ang tawag. Tita Amelia just informed me na tatawag na lang daw sila ulit and I told them I’ll wait for their call.

“Are they doing fine there?” Napalingon ako sa nagsalita at nakita kong ang Mom ko iyon. I was here in the pool. Nakaupo lamang ako roon sa outdoor chaise lounge and she sat beside me.

Napatango ako. “We just had a call earlier and thanks God, they were doing fine,” I answered.

After inhaling a large amount of breath, I faced my Mom. “Thanks, Mom. Thank you for helping them.”

Hinaplos lang nito ang ulo ko. “No worries, hija. If that will make you feel better, I’m willing to do it. Kahit sa ganoong paraan ay makabawi man lang ako sa’yo.” Mom then hugged me and smiled widely.

Gano’n lagi ang ginagawa namin. Although they are thousand miles away from me, masaya pa rin ako dahil nakakausap ko sila. It’s just that we have to consider the time interval since Germany is six hours behind Philippines.

I was told by Tita na they did a radiation therapy to Aldridge. Then sunod naman daw ang chemotherapy with temozolomide substance. According to the neurosurgeon, it is considered the most effective weapon against glioblastoma and I’m praying that it will be effective to Aldridge.

While we’re having a video call again, our conversation stopped when Aldridge suddenly dropped the phone. Ginapangan ako ng kaba sa dibdib no’ng mga oras na iyon. The video call was still ongoing but I could only see the ceiling because Aldridge fell it.

Rinig ko rin ang takbuhan papasok sa kwarto niya. I kept calling him and even his parents so I could know what’s happening but it’s of no use.

[Prepare the operating room. We will be transferring the patient in ten minutes.] I heard a voice said. [Quickly check the patient’s vital signs.]

Bukod sa mga sinabi nila, iyon lamang ang tanging naintindihan ko at wala na akong ibang maintindihan pa dahil ang iba ay gumagamit na ng ibang lenggwahe.

Mayamaya pa, I heard Tita’s cries, begging for the doctors to save Aldridge. Minutes after, the screen moved until Tita’s face appeared. Although she’s fighting back her tears, it already ran down her cheeks.

[Let’s talk later, hija.]

“Tita, ano po bang nangya—” The call immediately stopped at napahilamos na lang ako ng mukha. From that position, I am secretly praying that Aldridge will be okay, that everything will be okay.

God. Please save Aldridge. Please save him.

Since that scene, I never received any call from them anymore. Isang araw, isang linggo, isang buwan... gano’n katagal at ni wala na akong balita sa kanila. What I’m doing is to always send Aldridge a message or voice messages, telling him that he will surpass this.

Sa ganoong paraan, kahit papaano ay nasasabi ko ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya araw-araw. Kahit pa hindi niya mabasa kaagad, okay lang sa akin. Ang importante ay maiparamdam ko sa kanyang kasama niya ako lagi sa laban niya, na hindi ko siya iiwanan, na hindi ko siya susukuan.

“Love, may long quiz na naman kami ngayon. Good luck sa akin and God bless sa’yo! Pagaling ka ha? I love you.”

“Aldridge! Sina Shane at Louie na! Uwi ka na rito agad. Celebrate natin relationship nila pagkauwi mo. Ikaw na raw bahala sa foods!” natatawa kong sambit.

“May debate kami ngayon, love. Good thing si Shane ka-pair ko. God bless na lang sa amin mamaya. Stay safe kayo r’yan. Sabihin mo kina Tita, miss ko na rin sila.”

“Oy, miss ko na boses mo, love! Hintayin ko tawag niyo.”

“Aldridge!” saka ako natawa habang kinukuhanan ko ng video ang sarili ko. “Wala lang. Mahal kita! Ingat ka lagi r’yan!” saka ko iyon sinend sa kanya.

That’s what I always do. Sending him voice messages or video clips of myself. Na para bang nakikipagkwentuhan lang ako sa kanya kahit nasa malayo siya at kahit hindi niya ako nakikita. Aldridge actually became my online diary.

After wearing my school uniform, saka ako lumabas ng kwarto. Upon stepping on the stairs, my phone vibrated and an international call appeared in my screen.

Out of nowhere, my heart leaped in joy. Kahit pa ibang number ang gamit ngayon, I believe it was Tita Amelia lalo pa’t same ‘yung first code ng number.

“Tita, is this you? Kumusta po? Ang tagal niyo pong hindi nakatawag.” pambungad ko.

[M-megan...] And I’m right when I heard her but I don’t know why Tita’s voice on the other line stuttered.

“Hello po, Tita. Kumusta na po? Pwede ko po bang makausap si Aldridge mamaya?” masaya kong paalam sa kanya habang bumababa ako ng hagdan.

[Meg...]

“Po? Bakit po Tita?” Hindi ko alam pero nagsimulang dumagundong ang dibdib ko sa hindi malamang dahilan. I stopped from walking and waited for Tita’s response but she’s just sobbing, na pati ang paghinga nito ay parang pinipigilan niya.

“Tita?”

[Meg...] Basag ang boses na tawag nito sa pangalan ko, hanggang sa lumakas na iyong hikbi niya sa kabilang linya.

“Tita, do you want to say something po?” Curiosity is now killing me and I hate it. I’m afraid of it.

[Meg...] She once called my name. [He’s gone, hija. Aldridge is g-gone.]

With her loud cries in the other line, my phone quickly slipped from my hand because of that news. The way my phone shattered when it fell is the same as to how my heart broke into tiny pieces. My breathing also stopped and I gulped hard. And when I closed my eyes, tears now flooded in my cheeks.

Napahawak na lang ako sa railings ng hagdan para suportahan ang sarili ko pero pakiramdam ko ay wala akong buto dahilan para maupo na lamang ako roon. Hinang-hina, nahihirapang huminga.

After months of waiting their call, ni sa hinagap ko na ganito ang balitang maririnig ko.

“Meg! Gosh, what’s happening?” Naguguluhang tanong ni Ate Trixie. She immediately ran upstairs and stopped in front of me. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya, nanlaki ang mga mata nito dahil sa luhang umaapaw ngayon sa mukha ko.

“Meg? Please tell me what happened. Makikinig ako. Makikinig si Ate sa’yo. Just tell me what happened.” Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong braso at pilit niyang inaangat ang ulo ko.

“Ate...” I burst in tears. “He’s g-gone, Ate. He’s...g-gone.” I replied with a broken voice and that was the most painful words I have ever uttered.

I also heard our parent’s footsteps. Like what Ate Trixie did, they also stopped in front of me.

“Are you okay, honey? What happened?” nag-aalala ring tanong nila sa akin. Napatungo na lamang ako at ngayo’y nakikita ko na ang sunud-sunod na pagpatak ng sarili kong luha sa may paanan ko.

“Iniwan na niya ako, Mom. Iniwan na niya ako nang tuluyan.” Like a pitiful puppy, I rested my head on my knees and I let my broken heart overpowered my feelings.

That news broke me emotionally. He left me. Aldridge already left me. And this time, he left me permanently.

I locked myself the following days. Pumapasok pa rin ako sa school pero nawawala na naman ako sa focus kahit anong pilit pa ang gawin ko.

“Let’s go?” Tawag ni Ate Trixie pagkapasok niya sa kwarto ko.

I gaved myself a weak smile in front of the mirror saka ako tumayo. Lulan ng kotse, tanging sa mga dinadaanan lamang namin nakatutok ang paningin ko. Ate Trixie offered me chips but I just shook my head. Until we reached the airport.

While waiting, my body is shivering and my hands are trembling right now. As I saw how they lifted down the hermetically-sealed metal casket, nagsimulang umapaw ang luha sa mukha ko.

Inilang hakbang ko lang ang layo no’n sa direksyon ko and when I’m already in front of that casket, napahawak ako sa dulo ng kabaong na iyon at doon na ako humagulgol.

“Aldridge... A-aldridge...” I hugged his casket. I tried to remove the outer packaging of it but my family, Tita Amelia and Tito Rafael stopped me.

“No, n-no...” Napailing ako. “Love, l-love p-please. G-gumising ka naman d’yan oh. H-hindi mo ako p-pwedeng iwan ng ganito... Aldridge, w-wake up p-please...” I burst into tears, begging for him to wake up as my father hugged me so tight to stop me from wanting to open the casket.

“Dad, p-parang awa mo na. I want to s-see him. P-please, I w-want to see him.” Pagmamakaawa ko at pilit inaalis ‘yung pagkaka-package sa kabaong niya dahil gusto ko siyang makita but they didn’t allow me.

They took that casket away and put it in a funeral car instead. Nasasaktang napaluhod na lamang ako habang nakikita ko kung paanong dahan-dahan nilang inilayo ang kabaong niya sa akin. Tears freely pooled from my eyes.

With the airline company which offered them human remains shipping, with the paperwork associated with repatriation; Aldridge just got home. And seeing him inside his casket, wala na yatang mas isasakit pa roon para sa akin.

Inihatid ko siyang buhay noon pero hindi ko alam na pagkalipas ng ilang buwan, susunduin ko siyang wala ng buhay.

This is not what I’m expecting. This is not what I’m expecting at all.

Nandito na kami ngayon sa funeral home kung saan nila idinala ang katawan ni Aldridge. The casket was now half opened for the visitors and upon taking steps near him, a trail of tears started to fall at the sides of my eyes again.

Habang papalapit ako nang papalapit sa direksyon niya, ayokong isiping wala na talaga siya pero kinakalaban ako ng katotohanan. How painful the truth could be? Bakit ganito kasakit? Bakit ganito kabigat sa dibdib?

“Love...” I called him while caressing that casket glass cover. I rested my chin on it while staring at his face with pooled tears.

Aldridge is now sleeping peacefully inside his casket and even if it hurts, I will try to accept it wholly.

His wake was private and his classmates, his professors, including Shane and Louie visited him. When Shane saw me, niyakap niya akong mahigpit.

“I know he doesn’t want this. No one wanted this. But let him sleep in peace, Meg.” Habang yakap ni Shane, napatango na lamang ako.

Since the first day up to the last day of his wake, I never leave Aldridge in the funeral. I was always with him, sitting at the side of his casket while staring at him. Sinubukan ko ring aliwin ang sarili ko sa pagbabasa sa lahat ng mga messages na isinend ko sa kanya noong naroon pa sila sa Germany.

Noong bilang na lang ang mga oras niya, doon na naman muling pumatak ang mga luha ko. Minutes after this, I won’t be able to see him for real.

After the prayer vigil, I once cried in front of him while hugging his picture. Tita then approached me and she handed me a notebook.

“It was Aldridge’s diary, hija. Before he lost his breathing, he asked me to give you this. Let’s stay strong for him, huh? Aldridge told us that he doesn’t want us to cry in his funeral.”

As I took that that notebook, may letterings sa harap no’n and it says ‘My Megan’. Naroon na naman ulit ‘yung luha sa pisngi ko. Tita then hugged me. Sinabi rin nitong tigilan ko na ang pag-iyak pero kahit anong pilit ang gawin ko, hindi ko magawa.

Hugging Aldridge’s picture and diary, we are now walking into his final resting place.

We offered him a prayer again and his parents gave him a message. Sunod ang ilan sa relatives niya at ako ‘yung pinahuli nila. And I can’t stop my voice from breaking. Never did I realize that I will give him a message for his last day.

“You did a great fight, love. Rest in peace now. I love you.” Before placing a white rose, I bowed in his casket glass cover and kissed him. “I love you.” I once whispered.

When I stepped backwards, doon na nila unti-unting sinara iyong kabaong niya. Then they started moving the frigid casket lowering device hanggang sa bumababa na iyon sa hinukay na lupa.

With eyes closed, I just cried my heart out. You will be missed, love. You will forever be missed.

Matapos ng libing ni Aldridge, umuwi na kami sa bahay. I just locked myself inside my room, still hugging his picture and the diary he left to me. Gusto kong basahin kung anong nakasulat doon pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil sigurado akong iiyak lang na naman ulit ako.

The door opened and my Mom entered. Walang sabi-sabing nilapitan niya ako at niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit.

“Feel free to cry your heart out. If that will make you feel better, I won’t stop you.” Hagod-hagod lang ng Mom ko ang likod ko habang bumabaha na naman sa luha ang pisngi ko.

This is so an ironic. The person whom I once hated the most is the person who’s now comforting me at my worst.

Days, weeks, and months had passed and I’m still at the process of moving on. Sa totoo lang ay itinuon ko ang oras ko sa pag-aaral. I did that as my way to lighten up the heavy feeling I had in my heart.

Tuwing hapon ay dinadalaw ko si Aldridge sa sementeryo at kahit wala na siya, nagkukuwento pa rin ako ng mga kaganapan ko sa buhay. Be it worst or the happiest days of my life.

Binibisita ko rin sila Tita sa bahay nila and they were glad that even though Aldridge was already gone, hindi ko pa rin daw pinuputol ang connection ko sa kanila. I told them I won’t do it. I will never do it.

We even celebrated his birthday. Ayon, nagkwento sila Tita sa akin tungkol sa buhay ni Aldridge na hindi ko pa alam.

That became our every day cycle which lasted not just for weeks, months but years. Yes, years, until days before our graduation approaches.

I visited Aldridge that afternoon and that’s when I decided to read the diary he left to me.

To my Megan, if you’re reading this, I love you so much.

Napangiti at napailing na lang ako nang wala sa oras dahil iyon ang nakasulat sa first page ng diary niya. Kung mayroon lang siya sa tabi ko, baka ay nahampas ko na siya.

When I first met you, I saw something uncommon to you. I don’t have interest with other people but you are different. When you cried in front of me, I just thought of wanting to be that person to stay by your side, to let you feel that you are not alone, to comfort you, and to make you happy.

“Kainis ka, Aldridge!” I commented with his letter. Saka ko ulit binasa ang nasa next page.

What has written in this diary is all the memories we had in each other, but it’s more about me. It’s about Aldridge’s side feelings towards me.

Remember when you asked me if I have friends? Yes, I don’t have friends and I never wanted to because I’m afraid of leaving them in the end.

Napabuntong hininga ako. Pakiramdam ko ay ito na ‘yung araw na bumabalik na ‘yung sakit niya. It is also connected to what his parents told me before, na baka ay inihinto niyang magkaroon ng kaibigan dahil ayaw niyang bigyan ng problema ang mga ito.

How could he think of others’ feelings gayong nasa ganoong sitwasyon na siya?

I love you, Megan Uy. Thank you for giving me chance to be part of your life. Hindi naman ako babae pero kinikilig ako. Napakagago lang.

Natawa ako nang malakas habang binabasa ko iyon. Hindi ko alam na pati iyong araw na sinagot ko siya ay isinulat niya rin dito. Bumabalik tuloy sa ala-ala ko ang lahat.

I’m afraid, love. Kung kailan ko hinayaang pumasok ka sa buhay ko, saka ko naman malalamang bumalik ulit ang sakit ko. Love, sobrang natatakot ako.

Napatingala ako saglit at huminga ng malalim bago ko ibinalik ang tingin ko sa sulat na iyon. The next letters is all about his experiences simula no’ng ma-admit ito sa hospital.

When you told me that we will fight this sickness together, sobrang nabuhayan ako. Thank you for always being with me, Meg. I couldn’t ask for more. Your presence is enough for me.

I smiled. I still remember everything.

Sorry if I had forgotten you. I so hated myself that time. I didn’t mean it, love. Every time na nai-imagine ko how painful it is for you that I don’t remember you, doble ‘yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.

“It is really painful, love, but it’s not your fault.” I told him while looking at his grave.

I continued reading his diary. He also included that he read my messages to him when he was in Germany and he even commented na ‘ang corny ko raw’.

“Baliw ka talaga!” natatawa kong saad.

Habang binabasa ko lahat ng ‘yon, there were times na mapapangiti at matatawa ako pero may pagkakataon ding iiyak ako. Until I reached the last page of his diry.

I’m sorry for leaving you this early. Even if I’m already gone, I will always watch you, Meg. I will secretly watch you until the day when you have to step upstairs for your graduation day. Finish your studies and be a successful doctor, love. Kahit iyon na lang ang pinakahuling regalong ibigay mo sa akin.

I love you, Megan Uy. Always and forever.

My eyes welled with tears upon reading the last letter he wrote in his diary.

“Mahal din kita, Aldridge. Always remember that.” Though he won’t hear me anymore, that’s what I replied.

The day of our graduation day came and this feels better compared to the previous graduation I had. I was so grateful and happy, yet there’s also a part of me which feels sad.

Kung kailan kasing narito ngayon sa tabi ko ang parents ko, si Aldridge naman ang wala.

“Compared to us, I know he’s more than proud of you.” I smiled with my family. Upon walking downstairs, sinalubong ako ng mga ito and they handed me gifts which I never expected.

“Thank you,” usal ko saka ko sila niyakap isa-isa.

Nanay Orsing, Uncle Danny and Ate Adel also gave me gifts. Sabi ko sa kanila ay hindi naman nila kailangang bigyan ako ng regalo pero sabi nila ay tanggapin ko raw dahil para talaga iyon sa akin.

“Happy graduation, Meg. Congrats sa atin.” Shane hugged me tight nang makita namin ang isat’t isa sa university.

“Congrats to us! Happy graduation din!”

Since Shane’s surname is Olivares, hindi kami magkatabi ng upuan but it’s okay for me dahil alphabetical naman lagi kapag graduation. Tita Amelia and Tito Rafael also attended my graduation and I’m so happy.

“Uy, Megan. Cum Laude.” As they called my name, I walked upstairs wearing a big curve plastered in my lips.

Upon receiving my diploma and my certificate, I looked at my family’s direction and I waved it to them, telling them that finally, after years of battling with my course, napagtagumpayan ko rin siya at bonus na lang sa akin ang pagiging Cum Laude ko.

“Here’s our gift, hija.”

“Naku po Tita. Hindi niyo naman po ako kailangang bigyan—”

“Come on, hija. Just take it, okay?” napangiti na lamang ako sa mag-asawang Samonte saka ko kinuha iyong medyo may kalakihang regalo na dala nila. “And here,” muli ay may inabot siya sa aking box.

“May pa-part 2 po pala ang gift niyo, Tita.” They all laughed and I also laughed because of my own joke.

“No. It’s Aldridge’s gift.” Nang marinig ko ang pangalan niya, napatitig na lamang ako roon sa pangalawang box na bigay sa akin.

“Salamat po.” malawak ang ngiting saad ko.

We took pictures after that. First ‘yung kasama ko ang parents ko and Aldridge’s parents, mayroon din ‘yung kasama sila Nanay Orsing and I also had pictures with Ate Trixie and Shane. After that, we decided to go home. But I told my parents if it’s okay na dalawin muna namin saglit si Aldridge sa puntod niya.

Tita and Tito came with us. After half an hour of stay there, naisipan na naming umalis but I told them na I will stay a bit more. Pumayag naman sila, so right now I’m all alone in Aldridge’s grave.

“I already received your gift for me. Nako, may paganito ka pa ha? Masyado mo akong mahal, Mr. Samonte.” I laughed a little and started unboxing the gift Tita gave me.

When I opened that box, I noticed that it was a phone. Yes, it’s Aldridge’s phone. I then inserted my birth date as his password and it opened.

Sinimulan ko na ring i-browse ‘yung phone niya until I stopped in his gallery. Pagkabukas ko, nagulat ako na halos picture ko lahat ang nandoon. Most of which are my solos, others were our pictures together.

“Daig mo pa stalker dito, love.”

Ipinagpatuloy ko ulit ‘yung pagkakalikot sa phone niya hanggang sa makita ko ‘yung nag-iisang video doon. Nang buksan ko ‘yon, napangiti na lamang ako.

In that video clip, Aldridge is telling me how much he loves me, kung gaano siya ka-proud sa akin at kung gaano siya kasaya no’ng makilala niya ako.

Love, I know I’m already gone if you’re watching this now, but I just want you to know that I’m so happy to have you in my life. At first I thought my life is nothing but having you with me, the meaningless life I had became meaningful. Nawala man ako ng maaga sa tabi mo, masaya ako dahil kahit papaano, may isa akong mabuting nagawa sa buhay mo, at ‘yun ay ang maibalik sa dati ang relasyon mo sa magulang mo.

I’m not certain if I’m really the reason why you and your parents got back in track, but I’m certain that it’s the purpose of my life... And it was you who gave my life a purpose, love.

Anyway, ingatan mo lagi ang sarili mo, love. Mahal kita, Megan kong maganda.

And that video clip ended with him winking at me. Baliw talaga.

“Thanks, love. I really appreciate it.” saka ko maingat na inilagay ‘yung phone sa maliit kong bag. “Remember the last letter you wrote in your diary?” I asked him while wiping his grave.

“I did it. I already graduated, love, and all thanks to you. Despite your absence, thank you for being my strength.”

Not knowing if it’s real or just a myth, I closed my eyes when sudden cold wind touched my skin. That happened for just seconds. Nang imulat ko ulit ang mga mata ko, inilagay ko na iyong bungkos ng bulaklak sa gilid ng puntod niya, saka ako ngumiti nang malapad.

“I’ll go ahead now, love. I’ll visit you again soon.”