Chapter 19

The door opened and Aldridge looked at it. Since his attention was shifted into that open door, I took advantage of that to look away and quickly dried the tears formed at the side of my eyes.

“Bumili akong ulam sa baba. Let’s eat.” It was Tita Amelia who just entered. She’s holding a medium size plastic bag and put it on top of the table.

“Ma, kilala mo rin po siya?” tanong ni Aldridge dahilan para matigilan si Tita sa ginagawa niya at mapatingin sa akin.

Pagkatapos makabawi sa pagkagulat, she immediately went near her son at pinakatitigan niya itong mabuti. Ako naman ay pumagilid na lamang.

“She’s Megan, anak. Why are you asking that?” Confusion now drew in Tita’s face.

“Is she my friend? Pero sa pagkakatanda ko ay wala naman po akong kaibigan dito.” When Aldridge uttered that, napatingin ulit si Tita sa direksyon ko. There’s now this pity in her eyes. Napangiti na lamang ako pero gumuhit doon ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

“What’s happening to you? She’s your—”

“Gutom na ako, Ma. Kain na tayo,” pag-iiba nito sa usapan.

Tita was stunned with the strange things happening to Aldridge. Mabilis namang kumilos si Tito Rafael at siya iyong nag-ayos ng mga pagkain sa mesa. Naglagay na rin ito sa pinggan ni Aldridge at dinala iyon sa higaan niya. He wanted me to feed Aldridge katulad ng madalas kong gawin pero hindi ko siya kayang tignan ngayon nang harap-harapan.

I sniffed a bit, then went in front of that table. Naramdaman ko naman ang pagtapik ni Tita sa likod ko.

“I want to apologize for his part, hija.”

Mabilis akong napailing. “No, Tita. It’s not your fault why he can’t remember me,” pahayag ko pero naroon ‘yung pait sa tono ko.

As I’m eating, my eyes were focused only in Aldridge’s direction. He’s holding his plate on his lap at nakatingin lamang ito sa kawalan. Mayamaya pa ay iniabot na nito ‘yung pinggan sa tatay niya, only finishing a bit of what was put on his plate.

“Can I do it po?” I asked Tita when she prepared Aldridge’s medicine. Tumango ito sa akin at binigyan ako ng ngiting nagsasabing magiging okay din ang lahat.

She also gave me a glass of water saka ako lumapit sa direksyon ni Aldridge.

“Hey, here’s your med.” I sounded normal while offering him the tablet. Tinignan lang ako nito sa blankong tingin.

“Let me do it,” he plainly insisted, saka nito kinuha ‘yung gamot sa kamay ko at uminom doon sa tubig na bitbit ko. When he’s done, muli kong ibinalik ‘yung baso sa mesa saka ko binitbit ‘yung bag ko.

“Are you leaving?” napatango ako sa tanong ni Tita saka ko sinabing may pasok pa ako ngayong tanghali. They nodded at me.

Matapos kong magpaalam sa kanila, muli kong tinignan si Aldridge. He’s also looking at me pero iba iyong tinging ibinibigay niya sa akin. It’s telling me that he doesn’t know me, that he really can’t remember me.

When I closed that door, napasandal na lamang ako roon saka ako bumuntong-hininga. I even looked up to stop my tears. It’s just hard for me to accept that Aldridge can’t remember me.

I took a taxi in going back to the university. When I saw Shane, I took long strides so I could come near her and I weakly hugged her. Doon na ring tuluyang lumandas ang mga luha ko.

“Meg, oy, okay ka lang?” Even though I can’t see her face, I know she’s confused. “Teka, are you crying Meg?”

Napatungo ako sa pagitan ng leeg niya and there I cried even harder but there was no sound coming out of my mouth. I felt Shane tapped my back at inayos nito ang sarili niya para mas maging kumportable ako sa posisyon ko.

“He can’t remember me, Shane. Aldridge can’t remember me,” I sobbed. Marahan nitong hinaplos ang ulo ko saka niya ako pinaharap sa kanya.

“I know it’s hard, but try to understand him, alright? He’d undergone multiple surgeries and I know memory loss is one of its risk factors. He can surpass this, Meg? Trust him, okay?” saka ako nito muling niyakap.

Alam ko naman iyon, e. I know it’s possible for him to experience memory loss. Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasang hindi mag-isip ng kung anu-ano. Paano kung mas matagal pa sa inaasahan ko ang pagkawala ng ala-ala niya? Paano kung tuluyan na niya akong hindi maalala?

“I know my words aren’t enough to comfort you. Just cry, Meg, and I’ll listen to you,” marahan nitong hinahagod-hagod ang likod ko.

Shane, for the first time, was able to comfort me. It was also my first time to share my problem to her, to tell her how scared I am, to show her how weak I am. And it was only then that I realized how good it is to be comforted by someone.

Opening up to Shane made me realize that we are not alone in this battle. Anumang problema ang kahaharapin natin, there is someone out there who’s willing to understand our pain. Na handa silang samahan at damayan tayo. Na hindi pagiging mahina ang pagbabahagi ng problema sa kanila.

Sharing your problems to someone doesn’t mean you are weak. At kung nalaman ko lang na ganito pala sa pakiramdam ang may handang makinig sa mga problema ko, sana noon pa lang ay hindi ko ikinulong ang sarili ko sa lahat ng mga mapapait na pinagdaanan ko.

Having Shane beside me, kahit papaano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.

Despite of losing his memory of me, nagagawa ko pa ring dalawin si Aldridge sa hospital pero hindi ko na nagagawa sa kanya ‘yung mga dati kong ginagawa. Naka-assist na lang ako kina Tita.

Kung minsan pa ay nakikita kong nakatingin lamang si Aldridge sa akin, na para bang iniisip niya kung sino talaga ako sa buhay niya. Sa huli ay nginingitian ko na lamang siya.

Being a stranger in Aldridge’s eyes lasted not just for a day or a week, but it lasted up to a month and it scares me. It really scares me. What if he’s experiencing a long term memory loss?

God, I don’t want to think too much. I never wanted to, but thoughts are always meddling in my mind.

Pagkahinto ng kotse, Dad smiled at me bago ako bumaba. Kumaway na lang ako sa kanilang dalawa ni Mommy saka ako pumasok sa hospital. It’s weekend today and since they don’t have work, they decided to drop me here. They wanted to visit Aldridge pero may nareceive daw silang message from their clients and kailangan nila itong daanan.

They once visited Aldridge, that’s just last week. Unfortunately, he’s asleep that time kaya hindi na lang namin siya ginising.

Pagkabukas ko ng elevator, dumiretso na ako sa kwarto ni Aldridge. There, I saw him sitting at the edge of his bed. Nakahawak ang kamay nito sa magkabila niyang gilid habang nakatungo lamang siya. Gawa ng tunog ng pagkabukas ng pintuan, napatingin ito sa gawi ko.

“Are your parents not here? Nasaan sila Tita?” tanong ko matapos kong ilibot ang paningin ko sa kwarto niya subalit nakatingin lamang ito nang diretso sa akin.

I just smiled at him. Since the day he had a memory loss, I’m already used to his way of staring me.

“You okay?” tanong kong muli saka ako lumapit sa kanya but before I could go near him, Aldridge reached for me, clung his arm on my body, and pulled me towards him hanggang sa yakapin ako nito nang mahigpit.

Gulat man sa kanyang ginawa ay hindi ako nagreklamo. Naramdaman ko na lang na isiniksik nito ang ulo niya sa katawan ko hanggang sa may maramdaman akong mainit na likidong tumagos sa damit ko.

“Are you crying?” Instead of answering me, he hugged me tighter. “Aldridge—”

“I’m sorry. I’m s-sorry, love.” Just by hearing the last word he uttered, it seems like my tears had its own life until it cascaded down on my cheeks.

I loosen his hug from me and let him faced me. “You said love, right? Did I hear it right?” paniniguro ko dahil ayaw kong umasang tama ‘yung hinala ko.

“I’m s-sorry for not remembering you after my surgery, Megan. I’m sorry for making you suffer. I didn’t mean it. I d-didn’t mean it, love.” Napapikit na lang ako ng mata at hinayaan ko ang luha ko pababa sa pisngi ko. Muli akong niyakap ni Aldridge at doon na naging matunog ang pag-iyak ko.

Thanks God. At last, after a month, he was able to remember me now.

When Aldridge’s parents arrived, sobrang tuwa ng mga ito nang malaman nilang bumalik na ang kanyang ala-ala. They called his doctor and according to him, it’s a good thing that his memory has now returned.

During their free time, my parents including Ate Trixie were able to visit Aldridge at the hospital. I somehow felt relieved because seeing how my parents talked to Aldridge, nakikita ko ‘yung concern nila sa kanya. They also told him the things he should and should not do. Pati sila Tita ay nakakausap na rin nila Mommy at Daddy. Sina Shane at Louie ay dumalaw rin kamakailan.

“Did I give you a hard time in previous month?” Aldridge asked. Pareho kaming nakaupo sa gilid ng hospital bed niya. Binuksan ko lang ‘yung bintana sa tapat niya at doon kami nakatanaw ngayon.

“Hmm,” I nodded. “At natakot ako na baka makalimutan mo ako ng tuluyan.”

“That won’t happen, Meg,” usal nito saka nilaro-laro iyong daliri ko. “I may forget you in my mind, but I will never forget you in my heart.” Aldridge held me in my shoulder and he let my head rest on him.

Napapikit na lang ako ng mata habang nasa ganoon kaming posisyon. We’ve been through a lot especially in our personal lives. Aldridge was with me when I’m slowly losing myself. Ngayon ay ako naman ang mananatili sa tabi niya at sasamahan ko siya sa laban niya.

“Ms. Uy, would you mind to read the first paragraph and answer the given question?” Our professor in Patient Doctor Relationship 1 asked out of nowhere.

Hearing my name, I quickly stopped myself from jotting down information in my notebook. Nang makita ko iyong naka-flash na information sa projector, agad akong napatayo at binasa iyon saka ko in-explain ‘yung ideas ko. At the last part of that slide, there’s a question included in it asking how would I establish a harmonious doctor-patient relationship.

“Vey good, Ms. Uy. Thank you for sharing your ideas.” Nakangiti akong napaupo dahil nakita kong satisfied ‘yung prof namin sa isinagot ko.

Sa kabila ng tadtad na activities na ibinibigay sa amin kada week, masaya naman akong nama-manage ko pa rin ‘yong oras ko. I do sometimes procrastinate things especially when I’m tired but I make sure to wrap things up before its deadline.

Wednesday came and in one of our subjects, the Parasitology, we will be having our long quiz as our schedule time approaches. Kaya noong matapos ang mga nauna naming subjects, my classmates drew their attention in reviewing their notes.

Nang dumating na ang professor namin, saglit ko lang na ini-scan iyong notebook ko. When we’re told to keep all our notes, itinago ko na ulit iyon sa bag ko.

“You are given one hour to finish your long quiz. Avoid cheating or copying with your classmates. Otherwise, I’ll deduct your scores if you are caught. You may begin now.” Our prof stated with authority.

Done passing the test papers one by one, saka namin iyon sinimulan. But in the middle of our long quiz, my phone suddenly rings causing everyone to look at me. Hinayaan ko iyon sa una niyang ring dahil ayaw kong isipin nilang baka titingin ako sa notes ko kung sakaling in-open ko ‘yung bag ko, but after its first ring muli na naman iyong tumunog.

“Turn off your phone, Ms. Uy,” masungit na paalala ng prof namin.

“Sorry, Ma’am,” hinging paumanhin ko. Mabilis kong hinanap iyong phone sa loob ng bag ko. It’s Tita Amelia who’s calling.

“Ma’am, excuse me? Can I answer this po? Baka lang po kasi emergency,” paliwanag ko dahil bihira namang tumawag si Tita lalo pa’t alam niyang nasa school ako.

“Make it quick,” nakataas ang kilay na saad nito sa kabila ng eyeglasses na suot niya.

With her permission, mabilis akong lumabas ng room saka ko iyon sinagot. “Tita, what is it po? We’re having a long quiz po—”

[Aldridge had an intense headache and he needed to undergo whole-brain radiotherapy this time.] Nanghihinang napasandal ako sa pader matapos kong marinig ang iyak ni Tita sa kabilang linya. [I don’t k-know what to do anymore, Megan. I r-really don’t k-know...]

“Malalampasan po iyan ni Aldridge, Tita. H-hang in there po. Pupunta po ako r’yan.” I comforted her. After that call, I went back inside. Halos takbuhin ko pa ang pwesto ko.

Mabilis na inayos ko iyong gamit ko at ramdam kong napatingin silang lahat sa akin. I also took my test paper and even though it’s unfinished, wala sa sariling ibinigay ko iyon sa prof namin.

“You haven’t answered the last part of the exam—”

“Yes po, Ma’am. I’m s-sorry but it’s really an emergency po,” maging ako ay rinig ko ang pagpiyok ng boses ko.

Our professor, who’s known to be a strict, her expression softened. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha ko sa harapan niya.

“Ayaw mo ba munang tapusin—”

“It’s okay, Ma’am. Can I go now po?" Nang tumango ito sa akin, dali-dali akong lumabas at dumiretso sa gate para mag-abang ng taxi. Nang makahanap ako, maging ang driver ay minadali ko sa pagmamaneho.

Mahalaga sa akin ang pag-aaral ko and I don’t want to fail in our subjects, but Aldridge needs me. Mas kailangan niya ako ngayon.

I was rubbing both of my hands as the car is moving. When we arrived in the hospital, I handed a money to the driver at ni hindi ko na inabalang kunin pa iyong sukli ko.

“What’s h-happening po? May sinabi na po ba ‘yung doctor niya?” Hinihingal kong tanong pagkarating ko sa operating room. Tita just cried while Tito Rafael kept on caressing her back.

Doctors from that operating room went out. Akala namin ay tapos na kaya agad kaming tumayo pero mabilis na nagsipagtakbuhan ang mga ito at tumawag ng ilan pang neurosurgeon para i-assist sila.

I weakly sat at the hospital bench and kept biting my nails while watching how the doctors kept going in and out of that OR. Kumpara sa mga naunang pinagdaanan niyang therapies at surgeries, ngayon ‘yong pinakamatagal na halos umabot na ng limang oras subalit wala pa ring impormasyon kung kumusta na si Aldridge sa loob.

“It was showed in his MRI scan that there’s a presence of a tumor in the posterior part of his right frontal lobe. We will be doing a daily radiation treatments to monitor how fast his tumor will spread and he will be advised for a regular scans.”

Matapos ng therapy niya, ipinasok si Aldridge sa recovery room. There were nurses who monitor his condition and some measures his vital signs, such as his heart rate, blood pressure and oxygen level. May IV ding nakakabit sa kamay nito at nakadipende ang pagstay niya sa recovery room hanggang sa magising siya.

After almost three hours, Aldridge woke up and they transferred him to the nursing care unit at noon lamang namin siya nalapitan.

But the following days, Aldridge is having delirium and worst, he now coughs blood and that literally alarmed us.

Muli na naman siyang ipinasok sa OR. All of my strength lost that time, na ni ang pagtayo ay hindi ko na magawa. Para akong lantang gulay habang patuloy na lumalandas ang luha sa pisngi ko. I know crying won’t help us ease our worries but we really can’t help it.

Our parents then arrived at alalang-alala ang mga mukha nito. Kahit na wala akong lakas, I took my Mom’s hand saka ako lumuhod sa harapan niya.

“Mom, p-please help me. I know y-you have doctor friends in abroad. P-wede... P-pwede po b-bang tulungan n-natin si Aldridge? I c-can’t afford to lose him, M-mom. Hindi ko kaya. H-hindi ko po k-kaya...” I pleaded in front of my Mom. She also knelt down in front of me saka niya ako niyakap nang mahigpit at pilit pinapatahan.

Habang naroon sa loob ng OR si Aldridge at nilalabanan ang kanyang buhay, narito naman ako sa labas, nagmamakaawa sa parents ko na tulungan siya habang ang magulang niya ay umiiyak lamang, umaasang sana ay maging maganda ang kalalabasan ng kanyang operasyon.

“I’ll try to contact them. We will immediately process his hospital transfer to another country kapag pumayag ‘yung doctor niya.” Mom caressed my back and I cried in her arms.

The doctor came out and he looked hopeless. “The patient’s condition is declining all the medications we are doing to him due to the tumor progression. In his case now, tumor treatment is not an option, but the end-of-life phase begins. I’m sorry.” Mas lalo akong nanghina dahil sa impormasyong ibinigay ng doctor.

“I knew a leading hospital abroad. Can we transfer the patient immediately?” My Mom butted in.

The doctor agreed but there are many factors to consider. My Mom told them that it would be under her care. Upon exchanging their words, the doctor then informed that they will start coordinating and arranging Aldridge’s transfer from abroad hospital but it would take one or two weeks before he can fly abroad.

I’m now sitting beside Aldridge while playing with his hair. Mahimbing ang tulog nito and I can’t help but stare in his face. No doubt that he lose weight. Maging ang balat nito ay nanlalata but I can’t seem to avoid my eyes in him.

“Stay with me, huh? H’wag mo muna akong iwan.” I whispered saka ko siya hinalikan sa kanyang noo.

My parents quickly processed his transfer papers. I learned that the hospital they were referring to is the University Hospital Muenster in Germany. I once searched that hospital and I found out na marami nga silang napagaling na mga globiastoma patients. Some even enjoyed their lives up to decades and reading some articles about their patients, nabuhayan muli ako.

Days before his flight, I visited Aldridge in their house. Matapos maproseso ‘yung mga papeles niya, pumayag ang mga doctor na i-discharge na ito para makapagpahinga na rin siya bago sila umalis.

Aldridge asked if we could walk before he will leave. I asked his parents kung okay lang ba sa kanila and after asking his doctor, um-okay sila basta i-check lang daw lagi ang kilos niya.

Aldridge and I then reached the bridge where we first met. Sabay kaming napahawak doon sa railings ng tulay at tinignan iyong repleksyon ng sunset sa tubig. After a short silence, I faced him and gave him a smile but my tears fell.

“Stop crying, love, please...” pakiusap nito sa akin habang pinupunasan niya ‘yung luha sa gilid ng mata ko.

“You’ll be f-flying three d-days from now,” my voice broke as I met his eyes. “Magpagaling ka roon, ha? Kapag hindi nila nagawa, hintayin mo akong maging ganap na doctor at ako mismo ang magpapagaling sa’yo.” I smiled painfully.

Aldridge cupped my face, pressed his forehead to mine and he closed his eyes. “Will you wait for me?” he asked.

I answered him with a nod. “Remember when your doctor told that globiastoma patients can live up to five years or more, yet it’s rare?” pagpapaalala ko sa kanya. He opened his eyes and he looked at me.

“Our chance may be small but be that rare, Aldridge. Be that rare.” He immediately prisoned me in his arms tightly.

“I will, love. I will.” Saka ako nito hinalikan sa ulo.

Three days quickly passed by and today’s their flight. Habang nasa byahe na kami papuntang airport, Aldridge leaned his head on my shoulder saka niya nilalaro ‘yung mga daliri ko.

While waiting for their final boarding call, sinamahan ko si Aldridge sa labas hanggang sa mapadpad kami sa may hagdanan. Naupo ako roon sa tuktok ng hagdan habang siya ay biglang umunan sa hita ko.

I played with his hair and I even pranked him, but the thought that he’s now leaving, silence suddenly embraced us.

“Megan, look at me,” tawag niya sa akin, seryoso.

“Hmm?” I smiled but that smile couldn’t outdo the pain in my voice.

“Love,” tawag niya ulit sa akin.

“I’m alright. I’m just sad but I’m alright." Pag-amin ko sa kanya, nakangiti pa rin.

Agad itong bumangon at pinunasan ang luha kong hindi ko man lang namalayang tumulo. Niyakap niya ako’t niyakap ko rin siya pabalik. Mahigpit. At kung pwede lang na huwag ko siyang pakawalan ay gagawin ko pero ayokong maging makasarili sa oras na ito.

“Aldridge!” sabay kaming napalingon sa parents niya. They were calling him now.

He stood up, offered me his hand and I took it. Nang makatayo kami pareho ay hindi na niya binitawan pa ang kamay ko at sabay kaming lumapit sa parents niya.

Now is their flight at kahit masakit, gusto ko siyang ihatid paalis.

As their final boarding call was announced, I bit my lower lip and I tightened my grip on his hand because minutes after this, I won’t be able to hold his hand so tight again like this.

He faced me and dried the tears on my cheeks. “Will you really be alright if I leave?” he asked me.

Tumango ako sa kanya at ngumiti pero unti-unti kong naramdaman ang pagdaloy ulit ng mainit na likido sa aking pisngi. What I told him is not the same as to what I’m feeling right now.

“Babalik ka naman ‘di ba?” nasasaktang tanong ko sa kanya.

“Of course, I’ll be back, love,” sagot nito pero naroon ang pait sa kanyang tono.

Pinilit kong huwag gumawa ng ingay sa aking pag-iyak dahil alam kong walang kasiguraduhan sa mga salitang kanyang binitawan pero naroon ang kaunting pag-asa sa dibdib ko.

I need to trust Aldridge. I need to trust us.

“I’ll be back when the right time comes,” he added and gently kissed me, and he hugged me again for the last time.

“When the right time comes.” Pag-uulit ko sa sinabi niya.

Nang magsipasukan na ang ibang mga pasahero, maging sila ay sumabay na. I just waved my hand at him, and smiled even if it hurts.

That very moment, I watched the man I love walked away from me. Not because he wants to, but because he needs to. He has to.

Pagkalabas ko sa airport, tumingin ako sa itaas. And seeing that plane becoming smaller and smaller in my eyes, my heart twitched in pain. I raised my right hand as if I’m holding that plane and even if it really hurts, I once smiled.

“I’ll wait for you and we will be together again... when the right time comes, love.”